Every Breath

by Tasha Ivey

“Thanks,” I say, nodding toward the old tarp. “What’s under there?”

  He looks over his shoulder. “Oh, just my car, why?”

  “Oh, really,” I deadpan. “It’s obviously a car. I meant what kind of car.”

  “Her name is Bellezza, which means ‘beauty’ in Italian.”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  He holds his hand out to me. “I don’t kid when it comes to my car. Come on, let’s go inside. It’s cold out here. I’ll show her to you tomorrow when you can truly appreciate its beauty in the sunlight.”

  Oh jeez. He’s totally being serious. If it’s an old Ford Pinto, I’m just gonna die.

  He drags me inside to show me around, and I’m impressed that it’s much more updated on the inside than the outside would allow you to suspect. There’s only three rooms, but they are large and seem to be fairly recently renovated. The living area and kitchen share the same room, but the cathedral ceiling really opens up the space. The bathroom is just off the kitchen, and it has a huge garden tub and a walk-in shower. The entire back of the house is the bedroom, and it has two large windows along the back wall with a door leading out to a screened porch.

  It smells a little musty, and most everything is still covered in sheets, but I really love it. Seeing Sawyer walking around in his own space, I have the privilege to witness a transformation in him. He’s at peace here, and it’s a moving thing to see.

  “I know it’s all dusty, but I hope you’ll be comfortable here tonight. I’ve already washed the sheets and put them on the bed, so at least that’s clean. Tomorrow, I’ll uncover everything and get it cleaned up a little better. I have a friend that comes by to check on everything while I’m deployed, but he’s not much of a housekeeper. But in return for checking on the house, he gets to borrow my car on occasion, which helps keep it running, so it’s a win-win for me.” He pauses and points at me. “Well, you’ve met him, actually. Dalton . . . you know, the doctor?”

  “Oh, of course.”

  “Damn, I’m rambling, aren’t I? Having you in my house makes me nervous. I feel like I should’ve had everything already cleaned up before I had you over here. I know it looks disgusting now, but I swear it’s not that bad.”

  I walk over and sit in the rocking chair in front of the fire. “It’s nice, Sawyer. I think it’s kinda awesome, actually, so don’t sweat it.”

  “Well, if there’s something you need, just let me know, and I’ll make sure you have it.”

  “There is one thing. I’d rather sleep on the couch and let you have the bed. This is your first night back home in forever, so you need to be able to sleep in your bed. I can be away from home just one night, and I have serious withdrawals from it, so I can’t imagine what it’s like for you.”

  He shakes his head. “No, no, no. You are not sleeping on the couch. I won’t be sleeping much anyway, so I’d rather you take the bed. It makes more sense.”

  A sly smile creeps across my lips, and I can’t believe what I’m about to say. “Fine. Share the bed with me then.”

  He swallows so hard that I don’t know how his tongue is still in his mouth. “No. I couldn’t do that.”

  “Okay, either we both sleep in the bed, or I’m sleeping in my car.”

  “Makenna,” he groans, clearly torn between what he wants to do and what he should do. “This is payback for making you come home with me, isn’t it?”

  I smirk and raise one eyebrow.

  “Fine.”

  I start yawning after we chat for a bit about his trip home, so he decides it’s time for bed. I change into my pajamas and brush my teeth, and by the time I crawl under the sheets, he’s softly snoring. Not going to sleep, huh? But he has made a point to scoot himself to the very edge of the queen-size bed—out of fear of me or respect, I’ll never know.

  It doesn’t take me long to fall asleep either, and I know I’m sleeping once I find myself back in Shane’s car. No accident this time. I’m just suddenly there, but Shane isn’t.

  I look all around the outside and see nothing but darkness, but out of nowhere, he’s standing in front of the car. “What are you doing out there?” I call out to him.

  “You might be thinking your happy ending is on the horizon, baby girl, but your nightmare is far from over. Trust your gut.”

  I stretch and wiggle my toes before opening my eyes. The light streaming from the windows is brutal to my sleepy eyes, so I clamp them shut again. After I think for a second about what windows I’m looking out of, though, they fly right back open. I forgot I’m at Sawyer’s house and not Drew’s. Yeah, that doesn’t sound slutty at all.

  The thing that makes waking up in his bed a little more comfortable is the fact that he’s not in it. I don’t mean I wouldn’t like waking up next to him, I just mean that . . . wait . . . what the hell did I mean by that? Waking up next to him? Oh dear Lord. As I was saying . . . I just meant that I wasn’t ready for him to see me with bed head and be in the vicinity of my morning breath, that’s all.

  I roll my eyes at myself and reach over to grab my cell phone from the nightstand to check the time. I actually slept until ten o’clock in the morning? I don’t know what the deal is with me sleeping so late lately, but I guess I need it with the state my emotions have been in. I know first-hand how draining it is. I just didn’t know it was literally wearing my body down, too.

  I want to jump up and brush my hair and teeth before Sawyer sees me, but I’m suddenly hit with the realization that there’s no way to get into the bathroom without walking into the living room. Great. Instead, I run my fingers through my hair until I tame a few of the tangles and hope for the best. Quietly padding to the cracked door, I peek out into the living room and listen carefully. Nothing. No Sawyer. No sound.

  The door groans in protest as I open it, and I know if Sawyer is anywhere in a mile radius of this place, he’s knows I’m awake now. But still . . . nothing. I look all around, even in the bathroom, and he’s nowhere to be found. I’m about to open the front door to see if he’s outside, and I find a note taped to it.

  Swoon! Wait, what? No, bad swoon! I’m not swooning! Jeez, I swear I’m going to start going to therapy soon. I promise.

  Since he’s out, I decide to take the opportunity to shower, so I can look halfway normal when he gets back. I grab my bag from the kitchen table, lock myself in the bathroom, and turn the water on as hot as I can stand it. It slightly burns my cool skin when I step under the stream, but it’s so relaxing. I look around the walls of the shower and see just a few droplets left from when Sawyer took his shower earlier this morning. Naked. In this very shower that I’m in right now. Naked.

  Yeah. My imagination is definitely on crack today.

  I quickly wash my hair and body, keeping my mind on each step required, so I’ll stop thinking about Sawyer. Naked. In this shower. Damn it! Well played, imagination. Well played.

  Once I’m out and toweling dry, I hear my cell phone ringing in the kitchen. Knowing it could very well be Sawyer, I wrap the towel around myself and run to my phone, but I don’t make it in time before it’s sent to my voicemail. I’ll call my mom back later. I am there in time, however, for Sawyer to come through the front door and catch me standing in his kitchen with wet hair and in nothing but a towel. I am also there in time to witness his reaction to that and see his cup of coffee drop from his hand onto the floor. His eyes never leave me for a second.

  “I got food. Bagels.”

  I’m glad to know that I still look good enough to reduce a man to caveman speak. “Okay. I’ll just go get dressed.”

  I dart back into the bathroom and slap my hands over my face, and I can hear Sawyer mumbling to himself in the other room. “I brought food? That’s all you can come up with? There’s a half-naked, stunning woman standing in your kitchen, and you talk about bagels. Yeah, you’re the man, Sawyer.”

  Hearing him say that is a bit of an eye-opener for me. Okay, so yeah . . . I admit that I find him slightly attractive. Fine, extremely
attractive. And he’s also told me on a couple of occasions that he thinks I’m pretty. But when I take what he said yesterday about wanting to kiss me for a long time and now his rambling to himself in the kitchen, I’m forced into the realization that we’re teetering on the edge of our friendship now. Maybe we have been all along.

  I feel like we’re circling each other, waiting on the other one to make a move, waiting on the other one to cross that line of friendship and into something . . . more. The entire time I’ve known Sawyer, I’ve been with Drew, so we’ve always kept things friendly. But Sawyer has been the one I’ve looked forward to talking to every day. Sawyer is the one I trusted enough to tell about Shane. Sawyer is the one that I’ve been dreaming about. Truth be told, we’ve had “more” all along; I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.

  Now that Drew is out of the picture, I have the ability to explore that a little further than I have been. The problem is, I don’t want to jump into another relationship until I confront my feelings about Shane. Although, I do suddenly feel lighter. I don’t feel like I’m pretending anymore. I think maybe I am moving forward with my life now that I’m not forcing myself into a relationship I didn’t ever want to begin with.

  At first, it was all about Shane, not wanting to give any piece of myself away to anyone else because I belonged to him. Now, for the first time, I see a real possibility of that happening. My love for Shane isn’t holding me back anymore. If anything, it’s pushing me forward.

  So, I’m going to do what I’ve needed to do for a long time. I haven’t visited Shane’s grave since the funeral, so I’m going to go today. It may be silly, but I want to talk to him, tell him everything I’ve been feeling since he left me. Until I face that, I don’t think I can gauge my readiness to truly step into a real relationship with someone. No more pretending. I need to know for sure that I’m ready, and I can’t do that until I take that step I’ve been so reluctant to take.

  Once I’m dressed and have combed my hair, I go into the kitchen and sit across from Sawyer at the kitchen table. The whole time I’m eating, he glances in my general direction, but he refuses to make eye contact with me. How sweet . . . I think he’s actually embarrassed. “I’m . . . uh . . . sorry about . . . you know. I didn’t realize you were home.”

  “Don’t be sorry.” He finally looks up at me. “I didn’t react very smoothly, did I? I’ve been gone for over a year to a country that keeps their women completely covered, so when I walk into my house to see so much skin . . . I . . .” He hangs his head and sighs before looking up at me. “Let me start over. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. Inside and out. It’s not just extreme depravation talking. I know you have a lot going on in your life right now, and I’m happy to be here for you through all of it. Even if there can’t be more than friendship for us, I’ll always be here for you, no matter what you need. You helped me through those last couple of months. Hell, you saved my life. One day soon, maybe I’ll explain how, but I want you to know how much you mean to me.”

  I feel a thumb rub over my fingers, and I realize we’re holding hands. I don’t know if he took my hand or if I took his, but I do know I don’t want to let go. “I’m glad to have you as a friend.” His face falls slightly at that last word, but I squeeze his hand for reassurance. “And you mean a lot to me, too. I can’t promise anything, but I can tell you that we already have something more than friendship. We started out with friendship, but it’s evolved into something else. I don’t know if there’s a name for it, but we don’t need a label. Let’s not push anything and just keep doing whatever it is we’re doing.”

  “I’m good with that,” he says with a wide grin. “So, while I’m being honest, I thought I’d tell you what I’ve been up to this morning.” He pulls my keys from his pocket and drops them onto the table. “I hope you’re not going to be upset with me, but I’ve been at your house.”

  “What? Why?”

  “I couldn’t sleep this morning, so I decided to be productive. I went over and fixed your back door. And it has a deadbolt lock on it now.”

  “Oh, so I guess that means I’ll be staying at home tonight.” It’s hard to mask the disappointment in my voice. I still don’t want to stay there alone. It freaks me out. Okay, and I like being here with him.

  “No chance in hell. Not until I’m completely finished with everything I have planned. Until then, you’re staying here. If all goes as planned, you’ll be back in your house by Tuesday. Christmas Eve.”

  I scowl at him. Well, I try to. “You don’t have to do all of that. You need to relax and enjoy the time you have off. Spend time with William. See your friends.”

  “That would be way too much idle time for me. I get restless. I want to do it. For you. Consider it my Christmas gift to you.”

  “Okay, but don’t worry about the mess. I’ll sort through it later. If you could just fix the holes in the walls and stuff, I’ll clean up everything out of the floors and put it away. And in return, I’ll get your house cleaned back up for you.”

  He picks up my hand that he’s still holding and pretends to shake it. “Deal. So now that we’ve settled that, what’s on our agenda for today? I told William I’d come by to see him, but other than that, I don’t have plans.”

  “Well,” I begin, releasing his hand to take our plates to the sink. “I need to get away for a bit today. I’ve decided to go to the cemetery.”

  “Oh?” He stands to face me, his eyes full of understanding. “Is that something you do very often?”

  “Never. Not since the funeral.”

  “Wow. That’s a pretty big deal.”

  “Yeah,” I sigh.

  He scratches his chin, causing me to notice the stubble growing there. “Tell you what, after we go see William, I’ll drive you there. I’ll sit in the car and wait on you however long you need. You may not be in any shape to drive after that. Then, we can do whatever you want the rest of the day.”

  At first, the thought of Sawyer seeing me so vulnerable is a little unnerving, but at the same time, I know he’s right. It will be nice to know he’s there in case I need him. “Thank you.”

  “You ready for this?” Sawyer stands at the corner of his car with the edge of the cover fisted in his hands.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be.” He looks way more excited about this than I am. Boys and their cars.

  He drags the soft cover off the car to reveal a slick black beauty. “She’s a ‘68 Camaro. I bought her from a junkyard when I was sixteen, and it took me six months to get her running, nearly two years to get her restored.”

  It’s gorgeous, definitely a man’s car. Every detail I learn about Sawyer surprises me a little more every time. I never would’ve pegged him for the motorcycles and muscle cars kind of guy, but I can’t help but think how hot that is. “Something tells me you got a lot of attention from the girls when you were driving this car around back then.”

  “Me? Nah. I’ve never been a real outgoing kind of guy. I’ve always pretty much stayed to myself, and I had few close friends. And even fewer girlfriends. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve never had a girl in this car. Dalton, on the other hand, borrows it all the time, so there’s really no telling who he’s had in there.”

  “Well, I’m happy to be your first.” Oh jeez, does that sound corny or what?

  He chuckles nervously. “Me, too.” He bows with flourish after opening the passenger side door for me to get in. I sink into the smooth leather and look around at the interior. He really has taken great care of this car; it looks brand new on the outside and inside. Once he’s inside and we’re both buckled in, he gingerly inserts the key into the ignition and the engine growls to life. He presses the accelerator a couple of times, causing it to really rumble. So much, in fact, that I can not only hear it . . . I feel it. He looks over with the widest grin plastered across his face, and he wiggles his eyebrows at me.

  “You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

  S
awyer shifts into reverse and backs out the drive. “I haven’t driven it in well over a year. She’s missed me.” He winks at me before turning onto the highway. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s thrilled. Excited. Unbelievably adorable.

  The hospital is about an hour away, and we chat some, but we mostly listen to music. It’s nice to not feel the need to constantly talk. The silence is comfortable. Before long, he starts singing quietly to himself, and I find myself straining to hear his voice. I’d be okay with him singing to me anytime he wants. He really has missed his calling. By the time we pull into the hospital parking lot, we’re both singing at the top of our lungs to some eighties rock music. Our extremely loud rendition of “Here I Go Again” turns a few heads when we park. It’s unbelievable how much fun something so simple can be. I haven’t had that good of a time in a long while. Sawyer even surprises me by pulling out his cell phone and snapping a picture of the two of us.

  We visit with William for a couple of hours, and I find myself a little more in love with that old man every time I see him. I know he’s a little gruff at first, but once you get to know him, he’s such a gentle, caring man. But watching him interact with Sawyer is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever seen. They may not ever voice it, but the love between them is obvious. They pick on each other and love nothing more than pushing each other’s buttons, but then I look over and catch William squeezing Sawyer’s hand or Sawyer rubbing his arm. Before we leave, Sawyer even bends to hug him, and they both have to wipe tears away.

  I do, too.

  While we’re in the elevator, I start feeling nauseated. A heavy knot of dread is slowly taking over my stomach, expanding, poisoning me with its malicious toxins and contaminating my good mood. I wish I hadn’t told Sawyer that I want to go to the cemetery today because I really want to back out now. I just don’t want him to think I’m weak.

  A rough hand grasps mine and holds it tight, and I concentrate on the warmth and strength of it, allowing it to calm me. He knows I’m dangling from the edge of composure, but I’m thankful he doesn’t call me on it. He’s just letting me know that he’s here for me, being strong for me because he knows I’m struggling. That alone is more reassuring than any words could ever be.