Time to Trust

by Rosemary Badger

  She swallowed convulsively as she looked up at him, trying desperately to find something in his eyes which would give her some shred of hope that all might not be lost. But the eyes which met hers were cold and unfeeling and shrivelled her very soul. She moved from the door, straightened her shoulders and gathered what remained of her pride.

  'I'll be at Bargara over Christmas,' she said in a small voice, not looking at him. 'Matthew would be disappointed if I wasn't and . . .' she took a deep breath before she could continue, '. . . and the cottage has to be put on the market.' Her voice broke and she squeezed her eyes shut.

  'Kate?'

  'Yes?' she asked, almost fearfully.

  'Look at me, Kate.'

  She half turned towards him and was struck by the misery in his eyes which exactly matched her own.

  'What is it, Gerard?' she asked quickly, a tiny spark of hope springing in her chest.

  He took a step towards her and his arm was outstretched. 'I . . .' He shook his head sadly and dropped his arm, and Kate felt the physical pain as the hope died in her chest.

  'It's all right, Gerard,' she said quietly. 'I understand.'

  'No!' he cried raggedly. 'You can't possibly understand!' The word was torn from his throat in a bitter explosion.

  'Oh, but I do,' Kate continued ruthlessly, facing the truth at last and daring to confront him with it. 'Matthew isn't the link connecting you with Ria. It's your own bitterness. You enjoy being tormented by her. You feel you failed as a husband and you're using your feelings to punish yourself.'

  His eyes blazed with anger. 'You don't know what you're talking about!'

  'I know exactly what I'm talking about and so do you!'

  He stood in front of her, tall and big and handsome, and in his eyes was a look of shocked disbelief at her words. He had the assurance and complete self-confidence which comes with a born leader and it was these qualities which had helped him create his empire and take his place in the world. He wasn't used to failure and it had never occurred to him that he hadn't failed Ria as a husband but that she had failed him as a wife! His bitterness wasn't towards Ria; it was reserved exclusively for himself. Kate marched stiffly past him and opened the door.

  'You'd better go now, Gerard,' she said quietly. 'It's late and I'm tired and I don't think there's anything left to say.'

  He stood in the centre of the room staring across at her, his face dark with colour and giving the impression that if he lived to be a hundred he would never understand women, Kate in particular. 'How did it happen?' he drawled softly as he made his way towards her, leaning against the frame of the door she held open. 'I was to chastise you, remember?'

  'I suppose I wasn't the one in need of it,' she answered simply, her soft hazel eyes tinged with a sad regret. 'Goodbye, Gerard.'

  His blue eyes turned a steely grey, as he pushed away from the door. 'You really want me to leave?' he asked hoarsely.

  Kate swallowed hard and nodded. She knew there was too much bitterness in Gerard's heart to leave room for her. If only she had realised this sooner she might have spared herself the torment of loving him and the heart-wrenching pain of having to say goodbye.

  'Very well,' Gerard replied curtly, his eyes lingering on her trembling lips for just a moment before he walked out of her life. Kate softly shut the door and leaned against it, listening to the whirr of the elevator as it stopped and started again. When Kate flew out of Melbourne early the next morning she was faced with the tragic irony of it all. She need never have come to Melbourne. Gerard had held the key which had locked her from his heart, not Ria. 'Oh, Gerard,' she whispered to the clouds swirling past the window, 'you were my love and my enemy!'

  The final days leading up to Christmas were busy ones for Kate. Last-minute shopping was completed, gifts were wrapped and time not spent at work was spent cleaning her small apartment. She drove herself relentlessly, keeping busy, always busy so there was no time to think. Despite her hectic schedule and ensuing exhaustion, sleep was always long in coming and she would toss and turn, tortured by her love for Gerard and the heady dreams which followed. Already weakened by the virus, she lost weight and dark smudges of purple appeared under her eyes. Her friends and colleagues at work were deeply concerned, but no amount of questioning could make Kate reveal what was wrong. How does one explain a broken heart? she would often think in bleak despair.

  Her family rang from Western Australia and her loneliness increased. It would be the first Christmas they wouldn't share together, the distance separating them far too great.

  'I've contacted the agent I want taking care of the sale of the cottage,' her father said over the phone. 'He reckons we'll get a good price for it the way property values have increased over the years. Seems southerners, particularly from Melbourne, are flocking to the north in droves and are willing to pay handsomely for land on the coastal beaches. Do what you can, pet, to get the best price. We all know how much the cottage means to you, and I wouldn't sell it if we didn't need the money.'

  'I know, Dad, and don't worry about me. I was getting tired of looking after the place anyway,' she lied.

  'You mean that?' her father asked with obvious relief. 'Perhaps the upkeep has been a burden, not only to us but you as well.'

  'I'll have to start thinking about new places to spend my holidays,' Kate tried joking into the phone, but her voice was flat and dull, totally lacking in hilarity. 'When will the real estate agent be round?'

  'Saturday around lunchtime. You'll be there?'

  'Yes, I'll be driving up after breakfast.'

  'Good girl. Let us know how it all turns out.'

  'I will, Dad.'

  'Merry Christmas, Kate.'

  'Merry Christmas,' she replied bravely, her voice as empty as her heart.

  Always before the drive to Bargara Beach had been a happy event for Kate, filled with joyous expectation of long, sun-filled days spent on the beach and in the surf, and the evenings curled up in her favourite chair reading the many books she had brought along which she had stored in Brisbane and never found time to read. The sale of the cottage would put an end to all that and her heart was in mourning. By the time Christmas was over there would be nothing left. She had already lost Gerard and now the cottage was to be taken away from her as well.

  The first thing Kate saw when she drove into the driveway and parked her car was the little white fence she and Gerard and Matthew had built. She walked slowly over to it and when she touched the smoothly painted surface the garden seemed to fill with the rollicking sounds they had made while constructing it. It seemed impossible now that they had had so much fun, had laughed so loudly and played such fun tricks on each other. Her eyes drifted over to the sweeping poinciana tree and colour touched her pale cheeks at the memory of passionate moments under its velvety green branches and scarlet flowers. She turned slowly around, her soft hazel eyes not missing a thing. The garden had never looked more beautiful and her poor heart swelled with pride of what her grandparents and herself had achieved.

  They had created this! This magic garden of fairytale beauty where humming-birds drank from dainty yellow flower cups and kookaburras laughed at the sight of rosellas and king parrots nibbling greedily on the red berries of the umbrella trees. One didn't have to search the skies for a rainbow. It was right here in Kate's garden.

  Deliberately, Kate ignored Gerard's home, but as she removed her suitcase from the boot of the car her eyes were drawn irresistibly to the imposing structure. Was he at home? Had he heard her drive in or had the roar of the sea blotted out the sound? Would he come over, and if he did, what would they say to each other? She caught her bottom lip between her teeth and bit hard. Some sort of pretence would be needed for Matthew's sake, and Kate wasn't very good at acting. Poor little Matthew, she thought sadly. He was bound to sense the hostility between his father and herself and experience a feeling of deja vu.

  She unlocked the door and placed her suitcase and parcels on the kitchen floor. Tears stung he
r eyes. It didn't seem possible that after so many years she would never see this place again. The new owners would undoubtedly knock it down and build something new and flashy.

  The cottage was small but it was big on memories and each room held its own. Even the worn-out carpet had its story to tell. Tiny feet and big feet had set their mark there. Kate began removing pictures from the faded old walls, putting them in neat stacks along the floor. Grandmother's knick-knacks were carefully wrapped in tissue and placed alongside the pictures. She would have to do something about the furniture, arrange a moving van. There wasn't much and she really didn't know what she would do with it, but one thing was for sure. She wouldn't leave it here where it would undoubtedly end up in the tip or a second-hand furniture shop. Perhaps she would find a bigger place to live where she could include Grandmother's things with her own. Yes, that's what she would do, she thought as she tenderly stroked the worn old pieces while tears ran unnoticed down her cheeks.

  Suddenly there was a hand beside her own. The hand was huge and deeply tanned, and her breath caught in her throat at the sight of it. Slowly the hand moved nearer her own and then it was on top of it, the long fingers entwining through hers. The huge tanned hand lifted the small pale one and her eyes lifted with it all the way up to Gerard's lips.

  Their eyes met over their hands and each saw how the other had suffered. Gerard's face was haggard and there was pain in his eyes. His pale beige shirt hung loosely on his shoulders and his skin, usually so dark, was now the same faded hue as his shirt.

  Kate's pretty pink floral sundress was a rude mockery to herself. There were no blossoms in her cheeks nor sunshine in her eyes. Both had been completely robbed of their vitality.

  'You've lost weight,' Gerard said almost accusingly, 'and you look so pale!'

  'I've been working hard,' she answered, and neither realised they were whispering. 'How is Matthew?'

  'He's fine. He's been waiting for you.'

  Kate tried to smile but found her mouth seemed incapable of the exercise. 'I . . .' she cleared her throat, 'I rather expected to find him in my garden.'

  'He knows you're here. I wouldn't let him come over.'

  Kate nodded and dropped her eyes. 'I suppose it's best,' she said tearfully. 'Was he very upset when you told him about the cottage being sold?'

  'Yes, at first.'

  She closed her eyes. 'I told you children were remarkable little creatures. After a while I suppose he won't even remember my name.'

  'He'll never forget your name, Kate,' Gerard declared huskily.

  He was still holding her hand and as she tried to pull it loose he held it tighter. She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes.

  'Why did you come over, Gerard?' she asked, while tears glistened like tiny jewels on her lashes and finally rolled down her cheeks. 'Was it to hurt me some more?'

  A cry of anguish ripped from his throat and through her own tears she saw his eyes were unnaturally bright.

  'Kate!' He dropped her hand and she saw a tremor rip through his body. 'Kate, can't you see? I don't want to hurt you! I want to love you!'

  'You want to love me but you can't?' Her voice shook. 'I've offered my love to you so many times, Gerard,' she continued sadly, 'but each time you've turned me away.' Somehow she found the courage to continue. 'I'm not going to let you do that to me again.'

  'Kate,' he groaned, reaching for her, but she sidestepped him, knowing if he touched her then all would be lost. She couldn't get on that merry-go-round again. She had loved and lost. The brass ring had been there, but it had been impossible to reach. Somehow, somewhere, she would pick up the fragile threads of her life and learn to live again. It would be hard, but she would do it. She had to!

  'We said our goodbyes in Melbourne, Gerard.'

  This time there was no chance of escape as he lunged for her, grabbing her arms and jerking her almost savagely against the hard wall of his chest. 'You said goodbye in Melbourne. I didn't!' He shook her. 'You said a lot of things in Melbourne and I listened carefully to each one of them, but I didn't listen to that!'

  Kate stared up at him, hardly aware of the bruising pressure on her arms. It was his eyes which held her attention. There was a desperate quality in them she had never seen before. He was lighting for her, she could see that, and this knowledge filled her with wonder. She swallowed convulsively as she listened to his tortured voice.

  'After I left you that night I walked the streets. Oh, I didn't go far, but I must have circled your hotel a million times. In the morning I bought some coffee and rolls from a pavement cafe and then I went up to your room.' His eyes blazed down into hers at the memory. 'You were gone! You'd already checked out.'

  'I had no reason to stay.'

  'Kate, don't be so cruel,' he groaned, wrapping his arms around her as he buried his face in her neck. He held her away from him so he could look her full in the face. 'I went back because I knew I couldn't live without you. I went back to beg you to forgive me for being such an insensitive fool. Oh, Kate,' he whispered brokenly, 'I went back to ask you to marry me!'

  'Marry you?' she asked breathlessly while she was conscious of her heart skipping crazily in her chest. 'Oh, Gerard!' Her eyes glowed.

  'At first I refused to believe you'd gone. When you didn't answer your door, I tried breaking it down. I was almost arrested!' He smiled ruefully. 'They took pity on me and let me go after they showed me your empty room and your signature on the register proving you were no longer at the hotel.' He dragged his hand roughly through his hair. 'I must have just missed you.'

  'Did you decide it was an omen? Is that why you didn't come after me?' Her arms were around him now. She wasn't even conscious of putting them there. It just seemed the right thing to do.

  He smiled tenderly down at her, his eyes devouring her face. 'My first thought was to go after you, but then I decided I'd better cool down first. I went to the park, just like you once did.' His hands cupped her face, framing her exquisite beauty in a tender circle of love. 'I did a lot more thinking there, my precious darling, and I realised how empty my life had been before I met you, and how bleak the future looked without you.'

  She closed her eyes at his words and he bent and kissed her eyelids. 'Can you forgive me, my sweet, for not admitting sooner just how crazy I am about you?'

  Kate opened her eyes and smiled up at him. 'Yes, I can forgive you,' she murmured softly.

  He had been holding his breath, but at her forgiveness let it out slowly in a long sigh. 'And do you believe me when I say I've never loved any woman as much or as deeply as I love you?'

  'Yes, I believe you,' she answered convincingly.

  His arms tightened around her. 'Oh, Kate,' he groaned, 'I don't know what I would have done if you had said you didn't!'

  Her hands went up to his face and she softly stroked the lines around his eyes, her fingertips brushing his lashes and smoothing his brows. 'I used to wonder what it would take to remove the chill I so often saw in your eyes,' she whispered lovingly. 'That chill is gone, Gerard,' she said, her voice filled with wonder. 'It's truly gone!'

  His eyes shone down at her, filled with warmth and love. 'Perhaps it was fear you saw,' he said huskily, and when her fine brows rose inquisitively he chuckled and shook his head. 'While I was in the park I tried to decide just when it was I fell in love with you. I realised it was when I saw you racing recklessly into the surf after Matthew. I was hooked then, and as I'd made up my mind long ago that I could live without love, I started fighting you before I even knew your name!'

  Kate laid her cheek against his chest, listening to the rapid pounding of his heart. 'And I thought I'd died and gone to heaven the first time I laid eyes on you,' she confessed happily. She gazed up at him, her soft hazel eyes brimming with love. 'And that's why I kept finding excuses to get over to your place. I just couldn't stay away.' She grinned impishly. 'And you were always so annoyed.'

  His grin was as happy as her own. 'No, I wasn't, but of course I pretended to
be. And you must remember, my darling, I found a few excuses of my own to visit you.'

  They were silent for a long time, their arms wrapped around each other as they remembered their foolishness and the heartache it had caused.

  Kate was the first to break the silence. 'Gerard,' she said, leaning back to look at him, 'you said you went back to the hotel to ask me to marry you.'

  He nuzzled her cheek with his lips, planting burning little kisses across her smooth skin to the soft pink lobe of her shell-like ear. 'Yes,' he agreed huskily as his hands began an urgent exploration of her body.

  'Well, you haven't actually asked me,' she reminded him breathlessly as he pulled her close to him.

  He gazed tenderly into her eyes. 'Kate, my own sweet Kate, will you make me the happiest man on earth and become my wife?'

  She didn't keep him waiting for the answer. The words were barely out of his mouth before she agreed.

  'Oh, yes, my darling. How I've longed to hear those words!' She wrapped her arms around his neck and he covered her mouth with his.

  The moon was high in the sky surrounded by billions of twinkling stars when they took note of their surroundings again. Their eyes were glowing and they wore the flush of passion on their cheeks.

  'Goodness!' Kate exclaimed. 'The real estate agent!'

  'He came before you arrived,' Gerard drawled mysteriously, one arm draped possessively across her shoulders.

  'He did?'

  'Yup.'

  'And you spoke to him?'

  'I did.'

  'What did you say?'

  'I told him I wanted to buy the place and he told me what it was worth. I agreed and signed the contract and a copy is on its way to your father. As soon as he signs, then the place becomes ours!' His arm tightened around her as he bent his head to kiss her. 'What do you think of that!'

  Her eyes were brimming with joy. 'I ... I think that's just . . . wonderful!' She looked teasingly up at him, her eyes sparkling. 'I always thought you secretly loved this place.'