Breaking to Breathe

by Lisa N. Paul

  “However, when we pulled up in front of the hospital, swarms of news vans and reporters waited to talk to me. The minute the ambulance door opened, microphones were shoved in my face, and people wanted questions answered. I saw my mom and reached out to hug her, but she told me to be a good girl and speak to the reporters first. Thank God for the staff, who took control and moved me into triage for assessment.”

  Outrage coursed through Kyle’s body. How could the parents of a traumatized little girl not put her needs before anyone else’s? What the fuck were they thinking? “So what happened next?”

  Her head lifted slightly, her gaze shifting from the sofa and meeting his own deep stare. Tears filled her golden eyes as she continued to tell her story. “As the nurses administered an intravenous drip to help with the dehydration, my parents finally came to my bedside. I remember my mom leaning forward and kissing my head. She whispered that the reporters were coming any minute to see me and that I needed to be a good girl and follow her lead. At the time, I had no idea what she meant, but …I learned quickly. And it was a lesson I never forgot.”

  Kyle’s gut churned; he didn’t want to ask the next question, but he’d come too far to pull back. Rubbing his thumb in circles over the back of Cate’s hand, he whispered, “Tell me, Cate, what did you learn?”

  Cate’s tear-filled eyes lifted, meeting his, “I learned that when you’ve awoken from your worst nightmare to find dollars signs instead of gratitude reflected in your parents’ eyes, it’s impossible to ever feel truly safe and loved again. It may be a bitter pill to swallow, but even as a child, you learn that you can choke anything down with enough water.”

  He knew the feeling all too well. He’d been drowning in bitterness his entire life. But Cate, his angel, no, she should have never known such ugliness, such pain. He refused to let his mind wander to what her parents must have done to further traumatize her after she was returned safely to them. Didn’t they realize how bad it could have been? Didn’t they understand how lucky they were? Yet even as the questions whipped around his tortured brain, the answers chased them. He had his own demons, his own revolting stories, and his own scars. He knew damn well that having offspring didn’t make someone a parent.

  “Angel…”

  “No, Kyle, honestly, I can’t spend another minute talking about this. I’m physically drained.” Her yawn punctuated her point perfectly.

  “Okay, no problem.” He said answering lightly, refusing to push the topic further. She’d given him more of herself than he’d ever imagined and more than he knew how to process. “How about we watch the movie because I have to get ready for work in a couple of hours anyway?” After agreeing on superheroes, they decided watching the best of the best Avenge the plant Earth would held their attention for a couple of hours and settled in. However, right before good triumphed over evil Kyle glanced over and saw Cate, still wrapped in the blanket, asleep with her head resting on the pillow at the end of the sofa.

  Not wanting to disturb what appeared to be much needed rest Kyle eased himself up and headed for his room. Thirty minutes later, he penned a note, placed it on the table in front of the sofa, grabbed his coat, and left his apartment with the beautiful angel still slumbering on the couch. Was it wrong to hope she was still sleeping when he returned home from work?

  Fishing, Huh?

  “GAH, GET YOUR ass over here. I’ve spent the day worried sick about you.” Elliot pulled Cate into a tight hug and rocked from side to side. If Cate hadn’t been so starved for the affection from her best friend, she would have laughed at the sight they made. The full length decorative mirror that resided in Cate’s entrance way reflected the two women locked in a sisterly embrace—one close to six feet tall and leaning heavily on the petite one of five feet four.

  “I told you, I was with Kyle.”

  “I know, Catey, but I told you your mom called. That had to have put a damper on your date. I felt horrible for even telling you but…well…your mom called.” Elliot sounded exasperated. That was a difficult feat to pull from someone whose default was cool, calm, and collected. Cate’s gut churned again at the reminder that her family was lurking about like trolls trying to collect gold.

  Deflect, deflect, deflect—Cate needed to change the subject in order to avoid another crying jag. She’d done enough crying when she woke up alone at Kyle’s place and saw he was gone. His note was kind, sweet, and funny. He told her how much he enjoyed spending the day together and how he looked forward to spending more time together. She laughed out loud when his note read that if what they did physically was how she acts with her friends then he intends to become her very best friend.

  Kyle Marx kept surprising her at every turn. He was so much more then she’d expected him to be, and the deeper he ran, the farther she wanted to dig. She was beginning to care about him…a lot, and the more she cared, the worse she felt.

  Cate had sat on Kyle’s sofa thinking about their situation. She’d never dealt with a relationship before, and she knew Kyle was in the same proverbial boat as she. They were doomed to sink, and that made her feel even worse. One or both of them was bound to get hurt; she could thank her parents for that. Once her parents came to mind, the flood gates opened, and the tears came with a vengeance. It took quite a while for her to pull herself together and make the trip home.

  “It wasn’t a date, Ells. It was two friends hanging out.”

  “Oh, really?” Elliot cocked her head to the side, knitting her brows together in question. “Just friends huh? Well, Catey, your friend left a nice little hickey on your neck and some lovely beard burn right below it.”

  Cate blinked. “Shit.”

  “Honey, it wouldn’t matter if there were purple marks on the side of your neck or not. You’ve been different in the past few weeks. Even when you were frustrated, you were more alive than I’ve ever seen you. That’s as much evidence as I need to know that that man is much more than a friend.”

  Not yet ready to admit her feelings for Kyle out loud, Cate filed them away and reached for the topic she needed immediate assistance with.

  “Ells, I need you to tell me exactly what my mother said. Don’t leave anything out.”

  “Okay, but let’s pour ourselves some wine. Err…maybe something stronger is needed. I’ll snag the vodka. You grab the glasses.” They sat at the counter, and Elliot gave a complete account of the conversation.

  “So you’re saying she was sweet and respectful? They want to see me?” Cate swiped fresh tears from her cheeks. “What’s their angle?”

  “I don’t know, but she was over-the-top nice.” Elliot offered Cate a tissue and topped off her glass. “I’m concerned. What are you going to do?”

  After finishing the contents of her drink, Cate thought silently for a moment and took a deep breath, “I’m gonna have to call them back and see what they want. If I don’t, they’ll just keep calling here. It’s what they do. They get what they want. Who knows, maybe after all this time, they realized how horrible they were, and they want to apologize.” Even to her own ears, she knew the lie when she heard it, but deep inside, part of her wished it were truth.

  “Oh, sweetie,” Elliot sighed, “I love you. My heart broke every time they hurt you when we were younger. Every fiber of my being wishes they would actually be remorseful for their actions. I’ve wished hundreds of times that your sister would have stepped up and finally seen what she’d given up by being greedy and selfish, but they haven’t in all these years. Catey, when you call them back, do it hoping for the best but be prepared for the worst. Okay?”

  “‘Kay.” Elliot had that gleam in her eyes, the one that made Cate nervous. It made all of the words that came before sound more like a warning and less like friendly advice. Damn lightning. Why did it have to go and strike her friend? Yes, she realized she sounded like a heartless bitch by even thinking such thoughts. Thank God, Ells was blessed with a second chance at life. Cate shook her head, but that look in Elliot’s eyes… Real fear shi
mmied up Cate’s spine at the thought of what was to come with her family.

  “Damn it, Ells, was that a warning? Do you know something?”

  Elliot’s mouth turned down. “I don’t have a good feeling, Catey, but then again, it doesn’t take a special gift to know your parent’s aren’t on the level. I just don’t want you hurt is all. I…” She stopped whatever it was that she was going to say and sighed deeply. “I’m going to bed, honey. It’s late. You need some sleep, too.”

  “You’re not wrong. Sweet Dreams, Ells.”

  “You, too, Catey.”

  With memories of her day with Kyle rolling around her head and thrumming through her body and anxiety of her upcoming call to her parents, Cate was too amped up to go to sleep, so she donned her apron and whipped up a batch of peppermint brownies. Each mix of the creamy dark chocolate reminded her of running her fingers through Kyle’s smooth, dark hair. Thoughts of his tongue breaching her lips, fucking her mouth slowly, and in time with his hips grinding into her core made her panties wet. The man was sexy as sin, yet sweet and caring. It was a potent combination; just the perfect mix for an explosion. There was no doubt in her mind had the phone not rang earlier that day, they would have exploded. How would she have handled that? And making love? Did he say that? What happened to the dirty man who fucked around and ran away? That man was safe…easy. This man, the sweet one, he was damn near irresistible.

  Her cell buzzed on the counter, indicating a text message. At two-thirty in the morning, it could only be one person, and the thought alone made her smile.

  DirtyMan: Hoped you’d still be here…you’re not :(

  Cate: Sorry, sweet man, I’m home

  DirtyMan: u ok?

  Cate: Better now. Thx 4 letting me sleep

  DirtyMan: you looked beautiful…an angel

  Cate: more like a mess

  DirtyMan: fishing, huh? ;)

  Cate: Not fishing, jerk..just stating.

  DirtyMan: Whatcha doing

  Cate: baking brownies

  DirtyMan: dirty batter thoughts over here

  Cate: sweet dreams, sweet man

  DirtyMan: ‘Night Angel

  Before heading to sleep, Cate changed her contact information for Kyle.

  I’m Sorry

  “IT’S GOOD TO finally see your ass up and back where it belongs. Christ, Kyle, you’ve had me worried for months."

  “Nix,” Kyle wrapped his arm around his kid brother, pulling him in for a full embrace. Neither man cared about showing affection toward the other, because without each other, there would have been no kindness or love at all.

  Nixon Marx stood only a couple of inches shorter than Kyle. He inherited the same green eyes and olive skin, but his hair was a shade lighter. Needless to say, the two brothers were a sight to behold when they stood together. The main difference, according to Kyle, was in the eyes. Kyle didn’t see the deep sadness and ruin in Nixon’s eyes as he had always seen in his own. For that, he was thankful and, sometimes, a little jealous.

  “Thanks for meeting me here this early on your day off. Today’s my day to come open up the place and get things situated, but I have a few hours before I’m actually needed behind the bar. Monday afternoons are slow as shit.”

  “Ky, are you kidding? I’d meet you anywhere, any time. All you’ve ever needed to do was ask.” There was so much sincerity in his brother’s response. How had he never seen it before? Alcohol, you ass, the little voice in his head reminded him.

  “Alright, let me run in back and tell Ashley we are stepping out for a bit, and we can head back to my place.” Nixon’s nose scrunched at the mention of Kyle’s apartment. “Nix, I swear, I’ve kept the cleaning people on a regular schedule, you won’t believe how normal the place looks…and smells.” Hearing Nixon’s laugh brought a smile to his own face. Guess there would always be a part of him that watched out for his little brother’s happiness.

  Once the guys were settled in Kyle’s apartment and Nixon met his quota for obnoxious comments on the state of cleanliness and what Kyle was actually using as payment for the cleaning lady’s services, the men sat down, one on the recliner and one on the sofa, and stared at each other in an awkward silence.

  “You’re handsome.”

  “What the fuck, Nix?” Kyle chuckled, confused by his brother’s random compliment.

  “Well, you brought me back here, and we’re just sitting here staring at each other. A lot about you has changed,” Nixon shrugged, a smirk touching his lips. “Figured maybe you needed your ego stroked.”

  “Fuck you.”

  Nixon leaned forward on the recliner, his forearms resting on his knees. “Then what’s up, brother? Because you and I both know that we’ve barely talked since that night at Mom’s house. Even during the weeks when you lived with me after your accident, you communicated through grunts and curses. You only return my calls with texts or when you know I’m working.” Kyle saw the pain cloud over his brother’s face and hated himself for hurting the one person he’d devoted his life to protecting. “And according to your friends and business partners, you’ve been boozing and drugging yourself into an early grave.”

  Kyle couldn’t hide his surprise. “You’ve talked to the guys?”

  “Yeah, and the girls. Ky, why does that shock you? You’re my brother, man…you’re the only family I have and the only person who’s ever loved me enough to stick around.” Kyle had no response, so he stayed silent. Nixon did not.

  “The difference between you and me—you are all I’ve got in this world, Kyle. But you…you have an entire family that fucking loves you.” Just hearing the longing in Nixon’s voice tore at Kyle’s heart.

  “Nix…”

  “No, Kyle, listen. They aren’t just your friends, man. They would move mountains for you, and they have. When you were in the hospital, the Marcus’ made sure that your room was kept private. They raised hell with administration and made a nice donation to the new wing the hospital is building, all to assure that you wouldn’t have to share your space with anyone. And those three women—Ashley, Janie, and Lyla—Christ, they took turns sleeping at your bedside for the first week until you woke up from the coma. They were like tigers. If someone tried to touch you without explaining why, those ladies attacked. I thought maybe you had something going with the Lyla chick,” Nixon laughed at the memory, “but she cured me of that notion pretty fast. And as for Max and Ryan, they had your car towed, scrapped, and repurchased before you ever opened your eyes.” Hmm, Kyle had wondered about his car, but since he hadn’t been allowed behind the wheel, he’d taken Max at his word that the car was being boarded at one of the car ports Gage Garage’s operated. He shook his head; a new fucking car. Amazing. “Max also handled all of your insurance issues. Apparently, big brother, you’re an idiot as much as you’re an asshole. So you were underinsured. Max and Danny coved your hospital expenses, leaving you with practically nothing, and had it broken into monthly payment plans. Although, knowing you, you’ve probably been paying your bills without even glancing at the totals. Haven’t you?”

  “Fuck.” Kyle scrubbed his hand around the back of his neck. The monthly payment was reasonable; he’d just resigned himself to the fact that he’d be paying it off for the rest of his life.

  “Yep, that’s what I thought. You don’t realize what you have, but Kyle, it’s all there. All you need to do is accept it.”

  And there was the problem and the reason for his call to Nixon in the first place. He had deep feelings for Cate pumping through his body and rolling round in his mind, feelings he’d never opened himself up to before, but his head was screaming that he didn’t deserve her, the same way he didn’t deserve the friends he’d let down at Danny’s. Now, after hearing all they had done for him in the past four months, hell, even before the accident, he felt even worse. Each and every time he had been a dick, and they could have thrown their generosity in his face, but not once had they. How could he even face any of them now knowing how much he owe
d them and how horrible he was?

  “I can’t accept it, Nix. I just can’t. I don’t deserve what they’re offering, and I sure as fuck don’t deserve what they gave. I’ve never been anything but a self-indulgent prick who took what I wanted and walked away before I needed to give back.”

  Nixon sprung off the recliner and stalked over to Kyle, his eyes menacing and his chest heaving as he bent forward and placed his face just a couple of inches away from his brother’s.

  “Are you still taking pain meds? Because that’s the only fucking way those remarks could possibly be acceptable.”

  Every muscle in Kyle’s body stiffened as memories of the past kicked in, for that one moment, Nixon’s face was replaced with their father’s. “Back off, old man,” Kyle gnarled lost in the past and facing his biggest enemy.

  Nixon exhaled, his warm minty breath hit Kyle square in the face as he moved away from his brother and planted himself on the coffee table facing Kyle. Just as quickly as his father’s face appeared, it was gone in a blurry wash of unshed tears. “What the hell, Nixon?” Kyle seethed.

  “That’s what I wanna know, Kyle. How the fuck can you sit there and say to me…ME… that you don’t deserve happiness? How can you say that you never gave anything? That you’re self-indulgent and that you walk away from your responsibilities?” Kyle stared at Nixon in shock. His laid back brother was trembling, and his eyes were filled with tears as he screamed Kyle’s questions back in his face.

  “How many beatings did you take on my behalf? How many meals did you not eat in order for me to go to school or to sleep without being hungry? How many burns are on your arms or down your back so I didn’t have to feel more pain than what I had already dealt with?” Nixon moved within an inch of Kyle’s face and screamed, “How many?”