He smiled, “What you doin’?”
His dimples lured me in as he bent down to me, pressing his lips against mine. It was perfect. It was Junie. I put my hands on his chest.
“Wait.”
He backed up. “What? My bad, I just thought—”
I kissed him on his lips before he could finish. He smiled at me, his lips just out of reach of mine. He kissed me again, slowly as he ran his hand through my hair. I closed my eyes and let him do whatever he wanted. We could hear cars zooming by on the busy street just off in the distance, but that didn’t stop either of us. He put his hands on my breasts as he backed me against the wall. His hands went down to my belt, loosening it and causing my pants to hit the floor. His hand moved over my vagina, moving his fingers back and forth against its lips. I reached for his dick, feeling the hardness and almost begging him to put it inside me. I looked to the left as the lights on the path lit up. I still couldn’t see anybody coming, but I didn’t care if they were.
This was our moment. I pulled his pants down, and he guided my head down to his dick as I sucked the tip of it slowly, then put it all in my mouth. His moans mixed with the noise from the cars that sped by turned me on even more. It was the allure of being caught. The chance that, at any moment, somebody could walk into the art exhibit and see us fucking. He pulled me up and turned me around, putting his dick all the way inside of me. He smacked my ass as he went in harder, deeper. He pulled my hair as I arched my back so he could go in deeper. I wanted him inside me. I wanted Junie to fuck me again like he used to.
“Fuck,” I said out loud as he went in even deeper, smacking my ass harder than before. I felt the waves he made as his abs slammed against me. I reached behind and pulled him in closer to me. Zoom! Zoom! Two more cars sped by as he moved in and out of me with the rhythm of the ocean that was just beyond us. The sun’s last rays stretched across the sky as I felt him cum inside of me. I didn’t care. I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted Junie’s baby.
“Oh my god, are they fuckin?”
We paused when we heard the voice but when we turned to look; nobody was there. He gripped my ass and kept going as he thrust himself in one last time and it was that last one that made me cum with him. I held in my scream by biting my lip as my cum dripped slowly down my leg. I couldn’t believe we just fucked in public. I’d never done it before until now, but this is the shit that made me love Junie. I opened my eyes as Nasir stood in front of me. He smiled, as he pulled his pants up.
“You ready to go, baby?”
I smiled.
“Hell yeah, I’m ready.”
Chapter 11
A few weeks passed since I started kicking it with Nasir. Uncle Stew moved in permanently with us, and I didn’t have a problem with it. He cooked, kept the house clean, and Big Mama didn't have any problems with him being there so I figured I shouldn’t either. Her cancer had grown worse, though. The chemotherapy didn’t seem to be working.
“Unc, we’re gonna have to take her to the hospital.”
He wiped a tear from his eye. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.”
We both stood in the hallway, watching her from a distance. She hadn’t moved in the past few hours. She had become too weak, and we just stood around, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
We checked her in later that day against every last one of her wishes. She tried to push me off, the same way she did when she had enough strength to do it, but it just wasn’t there. That hurt me to the core, but I knew it was going to come to this eventually. I sat in the hospital chair next to her bed, flipping through the channels with the remote on the bed. Immediately, I felt the sudden urge to throw up. Uncle Stew looked at me,
“Lyric? You aight?”
“Yeah, I'm going—”
I got up and rushed to the bathroom before I could finish. I threw up into the toilet for a few minutes as I heard knocks on the door,
“Excuse me? Are you all right in there?” It was a female’s voice. I figured it was the nurse.
“I’m good. I’m good,” I said, as I threw up seconds after that. She opened the door, seeing me seated on the floor hugging the toilet.
“Oh my goodness,” she said as she ran towards me, “Do you still need to throw up?”
I shook my head no as she helped me up, back into the room.
“What have you eaten today?”
“No, it’s not that. I’ve been feeling like this the past few days. It only comes at certain times of the day, though. Usually the morning.”
She looked at me quizzically. “Do you think you’re pregnant?”
“Pregnant?”
I looked towards Big Mama. She was sound asleep.
“No, I am not pregnant!”
She laughed. “I mean, you’re at a hospital. Do you want to test just to see if you are? I mean, it would put you at ease and keep you from thinking that there is something else going on with you.”
Uncle Stew spoke up, “Gone head and get tested, girl. I already got Mama goin’ through this. I don’t need something else happening to another one of y’all. Please, Lyric?”
I looked at him and shook my head. “Aight. I’ll take the test.”
An hour later, I sat in the room, speechless. As many times as I had sex with Junie and didn’t get pregnant, I figured that it just wasn’t possible. I wasn’t prepared for this. Not even in the slightest way.
“Don’t be sad, Lyric.” Uncle Stew said, “Having a baby is a blessing!”
“I’m not tryin’ to hear that right now.”
He laughed. “You know what’s funny about that? I swear I’m having deja-vu because I remember yo’ mama sayin’ the same damn thing when she found out she was pregnant with you. It’s actually scary now that I think about it.”
The nurse came back in with papers about new pregnancies and what to expect each trimester. It took everything in me not to take those papers and throw them back in her face. Just then, my mind went back to Chicago. “The rape,” I said louder than I wanted to.
“Rape? Were you raped?” The nurse looked at me.
I looked over at my uncle as he stood up with a concerned look on his face.
“No, no I wasn’t raped. I had sex voluntarily. I’m sorry, I was just… I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.”
The nurse looked at me, unsure if she should believe what I was saying.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m good. I’m pregnant, and nobody forced me to have sex.”
I picked up the papers, finding something to randomly ask a question about. “So, how long is this morning sickness shit going to last?”
“Well, it generally lasts up to about 14 weeks.” She sighed.
“14 weeks? Damn!”
I rubbed my stomach, “Yo’ little ass is in there cuttin’ up already. 14 weeks?”
“If you ain’t yo’ mama’s child, I don’t know who is.” Uncle Stew laughed and headed out the door. “I’ma go back in there with Mama.”
When he left, the nurse turned to look at me. Her blue eyes were full of compassion. Her blonde hair brushed the top of her shoulders as she reached over and gripped my hand.
“Listen, I’ve been raped before myself. I know it’s a horrific experience but it, unfortunately, it happens because of some sick, sick people. Now, if you want to—”
I cut her off. “I’m fine. I wasn’t raped, aight. Damn. I just came in here to see if I was fuckin’ pregnant, not to get into no fuckin’ counseling session.”
The nurse raised her eyebrows and released my hand. She didn’t deserve that, but it was just the stress getting to me. The fact that I didn’t know whether the baby in my stomach was from Nasir or if it was by the nigga who raped me in Chicago. I was just about four weeks pregnant, so it was anybody’s guess as to whose it was. The nurse headed out the room, but I grabbed her attention.
“I’m sorry for blowin’ up on you like that. I mean, I just got a lot on my mind right now. It’s stressful, you
know? My grandma is on the verge of dying, and now I’m about to deal with a pregnancy that I’m not even prepared for, you know?”
She turned around and stood next to the bed.
“I understand it is stressful for you. If you get to the end of this pregnancy, and you still believe that you’re not ready, adoption is always an option. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now here, take these papers and get back in there with your Grandma. I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear the good news.”
“If she could, she would whoop me for having a baby out of wedlock. That’s how Big Mama is, though. You gotta love her.” I laughed.
I walked back into the room. Big Mama was still asleep. She hadn’t opened her eyes since she tried to fight me off for bringing her here. The nurses came in to check her vitals from time to time and then left without saying a word to us.
“Unc, I gotta make a run.”
“Go head, Lyric. I ain’t goin’ nowhere.”
“Aight. I’ll be back later on.”
“Ok. I’ll text you if anything changes.”
I called Nasir and asked him to meet me at Mayfair. It was a mall in one of the city’s suburbs, away from all the drama. He was waiting by the entrance when I walked up to him.
“Whassup, baby.”
He put his arms around me and squeezed tight.
“Hey, Nas.”
“I’m glad you asked me to meet you up here. I got some shit I need to pick up.”
I saw him look to his right as somebody waved him down. “Hold on right quick.”
He walked over to the passenger’s side of a black suburban and handed him something in a swift motion. Damn, that muthafucka is Junie, I thought as he walked back to me.
“Aight, let’s roll.”
We walked through the mall, going in and out of stores and picking up things on the way. He had money, a lot of it, and it showed. He had retro Jordans on his feet with True Religion jeans. Those weren’t cheap at all. At least $600 altogether.
“Nas, what the fuck do you do?”
He looked at me. “What you mean?”
“Like, what the fuck do you do? You said you was here on business, but you never went further than that.”
“Because I can't.”
“Nas.”
“What?”
“Come on, now. Look, you tell me a secret, I’ll tell you a secret.”
“How do I know you got something I want to know?” He laughed.
“Trust me on this.”
“Aight. I’m a hustler. Something like a boss.”
“Oh, shit. Here we go.” I laughed out loud. “Every muthafucka that comes to Milwaukee from out of town swears up and down he was a boss in some former life.”
“Aight. If you don’t believe me, that’s on you. But don’t say I never told you.”
“What you sell, then?”
“Cocaine.”
He pulled out his phone and showed me pictures of bricks he had hidden in his car and other places that the police would be hard-pressed to find.
“God-damn, nigga. Shit!”
“I know.”
“What the fuck you come here for with that? This ain’t the city.”
“Shit, this city is perfect. It’s Muthafuckin’ crackheads on every block here. I took over Cleveland when I was there then a nigga put me on Milwaukee. So, I came through here and found out it’s a nigga named Big Tuck runnin’ shit.”
“Big Tuck?” I looked at him with wide eyes.
“Yeah. Big Tuck. You know the nigga?”
“I don’t know him. I know of him, though.”
He looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “Well, what do you know of him?”
Pow! Pow! Pow! Screeeeeeech! The scene of Junie’s death flashed in my mind quickly and made me freeze in my path. He tapped me on my shoulder to get my attention.
“Lyric? You aight?”
“I’m good.”
We started walking again, and I said, “I just know that he runs shit here, you know what I’m saying? And that nigga doesn't fuck around.”
“Word?”
He smiled, “That’s cool. I don’t fuck around either. I came here to take over this city and if he in the way then… he’ll get moved out the way.”
He was on a mission. I still wanted to get back at Big Tuck for killing Junie but until now, I didn’t have an idea of how to do it. I didn’t have a way in, but now, I did. Just then, Junie’s Mom popped up in our path. She smiled when she saw me.
“Lyric! Hey, sweetheart!”
She ran and hugged me as Nas watched our interaction.
“Oh my God, how have you been? It’s been months! I wish you came around more!”
She looked to the right and saw Nasir. Her mouth hung open as she looked at him in shock like she had just seen a ghost.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Butler, I was just—”
“No, no, baby,” she said, still looking at Nas, “it’s alright. It’s quite alright.”
The awkwardness was building until Nas finally said something to her.
“Uh, hello?”
“I’m sorry for staring, sweetie. I really am, it’s just. My God, you look like Junie”
“I know, Mrs. Butler. I was thinking the same thing.”
Nas responded, “Who is Junie?”
Mrs. Butler looked at me. “I need you to come by my house, ok? I mean, as soon as you can. Please do that for me?”
“Ok Mrs. Butler, I will.”
“Thank you, baby.”
She kept her eyes on Nas for a few moments as tears fell from her eyes. Suddenly, she turned and walked away.
“What the fuck was that about?” Nas said, looking at Mrs. Butler walk down the mall until she was out of sight.
“I don’t even know. I wish I did, though”
Later that evening, I drove to Mrs. Butler’s house. She sat in the living room with her husband and a photo album flipped open. She gave me a hug and led me into the front room. She didn’t say anything to me. She just opened the photo album and turned to pictures of Junie when he was a baby. There were pictures of him and his sister posing with another boy. The boy was in all the pictures up until Junie turned one. After that, the pictures of him were gone.
“I gave him up for adoption.” Mrs. Butler said. “We just didn’t have the room for him. It was hard. We couldn’t feed all of them, so we did what was best for our boy. We gave him up but that boy you had at the mall with you? I know for a fact that’s my boy. When I looked him in his eyes, the connection was there. He looks just like our boy.”
She turned to her husband. “He looks just like Junie, baby. He looks just like Junie.”
They embraced each other, crying, as I sat in the front room. All along, I felt like he was Junie and I couldn’t explain it. From the dimples to the complexion to the personality and all. I almost couldn’t believe it. The man I fell in love with is Junie’s brother. How the fuck does something like this happen?
Chapter 12
I sat in the hospital, fighting back tears as I looked at Big Mama. Tubes ran out of her nose and mouth as she laid there, helpless. I walked over to her bed and held her hand when I saw her eyes open up. The gray life they once had were fading away into the shell that she was becoming. I could tell she used all of her strength to force a smile on her face.
“Hey, baby.”
“Hey, Big Mama.”
“How are you doing?”
“I’m ok. How are you?”
“Oh, baby, Big Mama is doin’ fine, hear?”
I gripped her hand tighter, knowing that she wasn’t, but I didn’t have the heart to say anything about it.
“How is my great-grandbaby doin’?”
Uncle Stew said he told her I was pregnant when I was gone. I was pissed that he took that away from me, but he said I wouldn’t have told her and the more I thought about it, he was right. I didn’t want her thinking about an
other sin I committed while she was on her deathbed. He said that all she did was a smile and say that the baby was going to be just as hard-headed as its Mama.
“The baby is fine, Big Mama. It has me throwin’ up all the time, but it’s fine.”
“Yes, baby.”
She coughed a couple times, and I waited for her to catch her breath again.
“That’s just the beginning. Wait until the baby actually get out here. You gon’ see what it’s like to raise a knucklehead.”
She smiled again as I laughed. There were peaks of life shining through her sickness and that alone gave me hope that she was going to be alright at some point. Maybe not in this life but definitely in the one to come.
“I guess so, Big Mama. I guess so.”
She let the silence sit between us for a few moments as the beeps from the machines in her room kept it from being too quiet.
“Reach over there and grab that bible off the table.”
I did as she asked.
“Now, turn to Ro—” She paused to catch her breath. “Romans 8 and 28.”
It took me a while to find the scripture. I hadn’t turned the pages of a bible since she forced me to go to church with her when I was in high school.
“You got it, baby?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Now, read it for me.”
“All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.”
“Now, you see. I love the Lord. There is something about suffering that brings the true faith out in people. It causes not only our faith,” she paused to catch her breath, “but those around us to have more faith as well. That baby in your stomach has a purpose. You have a purpose. We all do. It’s just a matter of going down the right path to get to it. You have to—” She started coughing but this time, it didn’t stop.
“Big Mama?” I said, as panic began to take over my body. “Big Mama?”
Moments later, doctors rushed in. They escorted me out of the room as they went to work on her. I wiped tears from my eyes as I paced up and down the hospital hallway. When it became too much for me to bear, I kicked over one of the hall chairs in anger. I didn’t understand why this had to happen to her. She said that this would increase the faith of those around her, but all it did was cause me to become bitter towards God—the one that could stop this from happening if He wanted to but yet He did nothing about it. He just sat there and watched the life slowly leave her body. A God like that is not a God I want to know. Eventually, the doctor found me in the hallway, sitting in one of the chairs. I stood up when he approached, expecting the worse. He took a deep breath,
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