Almost Mine

by Lea Darragh

  He gave me a wink before he stepped out. ‘If that’s how you want to play it, Mrs Mathieson. You should let him know that if he puts his hands on you again, I will be putting my hands on him.’ He closed the door before I could respond.

  ‘Are you ok?’ Nick asked. He seemed bothered as he kicked his Colorados off at the door.

  I was finally enjoying my tea and toast now that I had been left in peace by too-big-for-his-boots Blake. ‘Of course. Why?’

  He kissed the crown of my head as he came around the counter. ‘Just making sure.’

  ‘So, how was your morning?’ I asked after I’d given Nick my second piece of toast.

  He sat upon the stool beside me. ‘All of the papers are signed with Taylor’s so the ball will start rolling ASAP.’

  I reached my hand out to him and wiped a stray crumb from his smiling mouth. ‘You’re pretty excited about this aren’t you?’

  ‘Aren’t you?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘I’m finally building a future for us, from start to finish. I can’t think of anything better than creating a livelihood that protects the wellbeing and security of the only person that I have ever loved.’

  A demure grin teased the corner of my mouth. ‘Are you sweet-talking me, Mr Mathieson?’

  Without making any attempt to move toward me he took a bite of his toast. ‘Sweet-talking you? No. It is my life’s ambition to give you everything that you have never had, but that you have always wanted.’

  The long intense look he gave me stole my voice.

  ‘But if its sweet-talking that you want,’ he said as he reached for the lapel of my robe as it had fallen open slightly, ‘I’ll say anything to get but a peek of what is hidden under this.’

  ‘You need only to ask.’

  He pulled my stool across the timber floor so that we were face to face. His warm hands pressed against my bare chest as he opened my robe further, brushing them over my clavicle and around the nape of my neck. Hypnotised by the way he seductively lowered his mouth toward mine, my eyes lolled in anticipation of his heavenly, imminent kiss.

  ‘Perhaps later I will ask you to do all sorts of things,’ he murmured. His hot breath did things to me that I thought I would never have the pleasure of experiencing. It’s remarkable what you can feel once you just let everything go. It’s remarkable what another person is capable of once you give them a chance. How could one person have such a profound, tangible effect on another? Nick and his ability to love me would never cease to amaze me.

  But the kiss never came and I was left sitting impotent on my stool as he stood and rinsed his plate as if he had not just flicked a switch of craving in my head. I needed him here and now.

  ‘Ah, Nick,’ I said to get him to turn to me. ‘I think we need to go upstairs.’

  Hiding a grin he consulted his watch. ‘I don’t have the time.’

  Not this again. He was not going to pretend that he didn’t have time for me like he did yesterday morning. It wasn’t funny this time.

  I stepped up to him and allowed my robe to fall open. ‘That excuse will never fly with me anymore. You’ll need to be a little more creative than that.’

  He revised. ‘Would you believe that I’m just not turned on at the moment?’

  I opened the button on his jeans and he allowed me to investigate for myself. I kissed his neck, along his jawline and the corner of his mouth as I made sure that my conclusion was accurate. ‘Not for a second.’

  I kissed him because he was still busy playing hard to get to just give in. ‘After all of these years that you’ve been thinking only of me, perhaps the time has come for me to worship you.’

  At last he kissed me, albeit slowly, and his arms around me pulled me close. The kiss turned from teasingly playful to if-we-don’t-get-to-the-bedroom-in-one-second-flat-the-kitchen-counter-will-get-an-arse-polish, and just as he succumbed to my persuasive, seductive tongue, my stomach churned and bile burned under my diaphragm. My hand, that was still tucked into his jeans as the mid-morning delight intensified, suddenly found his chest and pushed him back. I raced to the sink and retched, and thanks to the nausea that threatened to overcome my body again, the moment that had me weak at my knees a second ago vanished as if it had never happened.

  I eyed Nick who was leaning on the back on the counter looking pretty impressed with himself. ‘Why are you laughing?!’

  He shrugged as his smile grew wider, lighting up his entire handsome face.

  ‘I wouldn’t be so impressed with yourself if I were you,’ I smirked. ‘I was feeling ok until I kissed you.’ I sashayed out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

  ‘Rest up, baby,’ Nick followed me out and called from the bottom of the stairs. ‘Round two million will be a marathon. I think that we have some celebrating to do.’

  I leaned over the railing at the landing. ‘You’re not coming up?’

  ‘I would love to, but I have a rogue employee to deal with.’

  ‘Oh, Nick. He’s harmless.’

  ‘Right now he’s harmless enough but—’

  ‘I’m ok. You don’t have to worry about me all of the time.’

  He rolled his eyes in exasperation.

  ‘Alright, worry about me, but at least do it when it’s warranted. I let him know how it is, so we shouldn’t have any unannounced visits again.’

  ‘He’d better hope not.’

  ‘Now that that’s settled, so, coming up then?’

  ‘I’ve already missed most of the morning. But tonight, I’m all yours.’

  ‘I think I’m going to be sick again, anyway.’

  He beamed up at me. ‘Good.’

  ‘Get out of here,’ I huffed, but I didn’t have a chance to say anything more than that because bile crept up my throat again and I had to run.

  I snuggled back into our bed and pulled the covers to my chin. I agreed that maybe there really was some celebrating to be done, but, for the first time, I didn’t know who was more excited about the possible pregnancy, me or Nick. I was beginning to understand what Ma Lily had said to me at the cemetery that morning: the love you want is not the love that you need. To see him this morning, breaking ever so slightly before my eyes, tore at my heart; I’d never felt so…engulfed. I didn’t know what this feeling was deep inside my core was, even though I’d felt it since the night of my panic attack when it had rushed over me like a tidal wave. It was as if my entire body needed to save him, to prevent the fall. Did I love him that much; was I capable of that? Of course I did; every ounce of me had one sole purpose, and it had nothing to do with wanting a baby. I remembered when he’d described to me why he loved me, and finally I understood it. I smiled when he smiled, and when he was down I wanted to bring hell down on whatever had caused it. His happiness overtook my need to fulfil my own. I wanted a family; I needed Nick.

  Did I even really want a baby that badly? I lay thinking that perhaps I never really did. What I wanted more than anything was to make up for my cowardly actions. I wanted to undo the consequences that possessed me in my past. Redemption. I didn’t know if I would ever have it, and as I thought about it Ma Lily’s words circled around me.

  It wasn’t until this morning that I’d recognised the requisite need in Nick’s eyes for me to be pregnant, to affirm his masculinity, to resurrect his manhood, to keep me by his side…perhaps. I knew the look, the desperation, but I finally understood that there was a huge difference between the two expressions that I’d watched in the mirror month after month, and that I’d witnessed earlier on my husband; I knew that I’d be loved either way. His love for me was dependant on nothing; whereas, I was sure that Nick believed that our marriage hinged on whether or not he could give me what I’d signed up for.

  My body shuddered with sadness and fear despite the fact that I was cocooned in a cosy feathery quilt that smelled of my husband. Nick Mathieson was my entire world, and as I tried to sleep in an effort to subdue the need to throw up again, I decided that I’d make it my life
’s mission to assure him beyond doubt that he was enough for me, family or not. But I also knew that if he was in a mindset that paralleled my lowly stupor of the past couple of years, I would have to fight a hard fight to pull him out.

  I woke at one o’clock and rushed down stairs to get lunch started, but as I went into the kitchen I saw that lunch had already been prepared, and eaten, judging by the stacked plates in the sink and the rinsed glasses that stood like soldiers on the drying rack. What a gem my husband was.

  I plucked Nick’s cord jacket from the coat stand next to the side door and shrugged into it. I needed some fresh air, and I’d realised that I hadn’t seen my dad for a few days. It was time for a visit.

  I found Nick in the cellar conversing with Kevin about what still needed to be done for the rest of the overcast afternoon.

  ‘Feeling better?’ he asked as I approached them.

  ‘Nothing a little fresh air won’t fix.’ Kevin seemed to be uncomfortable in my presence as he shifted from foot to foot. ‘Are you alright?’ I asked him.

  ‘I’m sorry about this morning,’ he said.

  I was confused. ‘What about this morning?’

  ‘I need to keep a closer eye on things while Nick’s not here.’

  ‘Oh, please. Is this about Blake? I’m not as fragile as you’re led to believe.’ I knocked Nick with my shoulder. ‘There’s no need for such an overreaction.’

  ‘I’m still sorry.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘Anyway, I’m going to go for a walk. I thought that I’d give Dad a visit.’

  Nick’s hand went to my belly before he could stop himself and I eyed Kevin who courteously looked away. I knew that he’d witnessed the intimate moment. ‘That’s quite far. Please be careful. And don’t overdo it.’

  On my toes I kissed his cheek. ‘One of these days you’re going to learn to relax.’

  ‘Not as long as my job is to protect you.’

  ‘Bye Kevin.’

  He nodded once. ‘Mrs Mathieson.’

  Dad was sitting on the back porch as a sliver of sun that the clouds had generously let through shone down on him. He held a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. Without a word from either of us I sat next to him and leaned my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes and allowed my face to soak up the warmth from the sun.

  Finally he spoke.

  ‘Everything ok, love?’ he said unobtrusively without disturbing my meditative state.

  ‘Hmmm,’ I sighed.

  All too soon the clouds stole my warmth and the much awaited wistful moment with my dad had past. I straightened myself.

  ‘How’ve you been?’ I asked him.

  ‘As good as gold, love,’ he said as if he wasn’t.

  ‘Do you mind if I make a cuppa?’

  He nodded once.

  ‘Did you go out?’ I asked when I returned with my steaming cup of black tea.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Where’d all the food come from, then?’

  He groaned and gestured with a nod of his heads toward the Mathieson’s.

  ‘How rude of them to help you,’ I laughed.

  ‘I can look after myself,’ he huffed.

  ‘Yes, well, we all fill in when you don’t.’

  ‘I’m an invalid now, am I?’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘Oh, Dad.’

  ‘And they forgot a few things.’

  ‘Let me guess, beer?’

  ‘And cashews.’

  ‘I can pick up some cashews; that is, of course, if you’d not get all insulted if I do you a favour.’

  ‘Mind your manners, Catherine.’

  ‘Sorry, Dad.’

  I finished my tea as Dad finished his beer. And we sat side by side in silence. I noted the darkening weather coming our way.

  ‘Well, I guess I should get going. The walk is not as short as I remember it being.’

  ‘Ok.’

  ‘I’ll bring some things for you in the morning.’

  He glanced at me and I saw a vaguely grateful smile. ‘Thanks, love.’

  I didn’t head home straight away. I knew Nick would be keeping an eye on the time and in no doubt send out a search party if I didn’t return soon. I pulled out my phone from my back pocket and sent him a quick text.

  Just clearing my head. Don’t worry. Not of you. Nothing to worry about.

  Preparing for the night ahead. I love you handsome husband of mine.

  I pressed send and almost immediately he had replied.

  Take your time. I am also preparing for the night ahead. Be careful out there. I love you my beautiful, body like a goddess, angel of mine…I’ve changed my mind. I can’t wait for you. Hurry home now! Love, that cheesy handsome husband of yours.

  Chapter 19

  ‘What’s that delicious smell?’ I asked as I returned home and investigated through to the kitchen. I gasped and threw my hands to my mouth in shock at the exquisite sight before me.

  The room was aglow like a stunning can’t-look-away-from Christmas tree in a Myers window display; light flickered from hundreds of tea light candles placed around the kitchen and dining room. I sucked in a breath and gazed around at the stunning sight. The warmth from his hand on the small of my back, and his unassuming expression telling me that he’d take anything that I had to give, induced my body to swell with something that I refused to hold at bay any longer. I wanted to let it in, to fully no-holds-barred accept that it was there and to relish in it, but had I learned how to do that yet? Had I learned that he would never desert me?

  Nick pulled me into him and he cupped my face in his hands.

  ‘I love you,’ he murmured as he stroked the ridge of my nose with the tip of his. ‘I love you.’

  Inhale slowly. Exhale slowly…release. Slowly, exquisitely, it rolled over me like a tsunami and I thought I might pass out from the sensation of weightlessness.

  ‘Are you ok?’ His voice seemed a world away.

  I focussed on his dark blue eyes that I’d been looking into but somehow seeing past them in my daze. I’d never get used to the entire “falling in love” feeling. Was it supposed to happen every time I saw him, or was it supposed to happen once and then that was it; you loved them and that was that? I preferred it my way.

  He kissed me. His tender movement, his gentle tongue, his groan that vibrated from his throat as the fire built in the pit of his stomach, the sensations all seemed heightened; I was feeling everything for what it was. Love. True, unequivocal, love.

  ‘I feel like I’ve melted to the floor.’

  His arms slipped seamlessly from my face and around to my waist. ‘I’ve got you, angel.’

  ‘I’m such an idiot.’

  ‘Why do you say that?’

  ‘You’re amazing.’

  He shook his head. ‘I’m just helplessly in love with a woman who brightens all of my days.’

  My head dipped as I blushed and noticed a trail of rose petals that led away and down the short hall. He nodded when I looked up at him and I held his hand as he followed a step behind me while I took the short, scented journey. It was in our private room that my breath stopped. The room was illuminated with more flickering candles and warmed by the fire that crackled in the hearth. On the coffee table Nick had set an intimate dinner for two and framed it with more rose petals and a centrepiece of chocolate-dipped strawberries. He wrapped an arm around my waist and drew me close as I took in the rest of the room. Ray LaMontagne played softly and I was swept away by Nick’s unlimited ability to amaze me. He’d set out large soft cushions as makeshift seats on the floor and had poured a small glass of wine for each of us.

  ‘When did you have time to do all of this?’ I asked, in awe of him.

  ‘I gave the blokes the afternoon off.’

  He turned me into him and kissed me. ‘Why don’t you go and put something comfortable on.’

  ‘I’d better call the Duchess of Cambridge for a dress to wear,’ I half laughed. ‘I don’t think I have anything fancy enoug
h to wear to such a lovely dinner.’

  ‘Wear a hessian bag for all I care.’ He kissed me again and then smacked my bottom. ‘Off you go, the lamb’s almost ready.’

  This time I let my amusement open my whole face to a mischievous grin. ‘Oh your dreamy words,’ I swooned with sarcasm. ‘So, the romance ends with the dinner alone, does it? Or does your romantic repertoire extend to the bedroom, too?’

  He gave me a you’ll-have-to-wait-and-see look, and my stomach flipped splendidly with anticipation of the night ahead. ‘I don’t want to aim overly high, do I? You might expect this all of the time.’

  ‘I love you,’ was all I could say before his mouth found mine and he kissed me as the music played and our dinner began to burn.

  The bedroom was as I’d left it this morning: the covers on the bed pulled up neatly and everything in its place. I guessed we’d create our own beautiful romance later. I channelled the princess with whom I shared the same name, so I found it relatively easy to transform from my unremarkable self and into the goddess I wanted so desperately to emulate. Nick deserved all of my effort, no matter how foreign it was to me to wear such provocative attire. I wanted to look seductive, as an alternative to my usual modest self. Nick had never asked for anything more than I gave him; however, of late, I thought it necessary to strive for that extra mile. He deserved to have the best of me — I had the very best of him — and for the first time I was brave enough to give it without an agenda, without being preoccupied by temperatures and positions. And I was brave enough to give it because for the first time I wanted to do it for Nick alone, and not for a singular purpose. I wanted to give him all of me, exposed and vulnerable, just as he was.

  In front of the floor length mirror I smoothed myself down. The black lace chemise cupped my heavy breasts perfectly, allowing the tops of them to spill slightly. I watched myself in the mirror as I gripped them, imagining Nick’s face sunken hungrily between them, licking, biting them as I waited in agony for him to make me come. I ran my hands down my stomach and between my thighs where I was slickened with the arousal that he brought to me even without his presence.