Almost Mine

by Lea Darragh

  ‘I looked happy, did I?’

  ‘I assumed so. You smiled a lot.’

  ‘Well if I was smiling,’ I said with acerbity, ‘then I guess I must have been. Is that why you betrayed me?’

  I really didn’t want my all-over-the-place hormones to have me come across as cantankerous, but he was definitely pushing me past my tolerance threshold, and they were defiantly not helping my cause.

  ‘Mostly,’ he swallowed hard, ‘but Lucy seems to have worked her way under my skin. I couldn’t help it…there’s just something so alluringly sexual about her. Her tits are delicious.’ As I held a painful breath at “tits” he took one, as if he was taking his time to select his words for potency and effect as he went. I eyed him, cursing my body for producing tears even though I had specifically demanded that it didn’t. A glance at the ceiling and at the clock behind Nick cleared my eyes and in that time I replayed what he’d said, deciding that I didn’t believe him. Oh, I believed that he kissed Lucy; he wasn’t a liar, but the details were delivered unconvincingly, as if he’d rehearsed them. I understood why he’d needed such a long run this morning. His words could never be true; I knew him well enough to know that he’d never describe a woman that he respected in such a vulgar way. He’d describe the smell of her skin and talk about how ambitious or driven she was, or how she adored children or how she made him feel. But most importantly, he’d describe all of the things that he wanted to give her, and stop at nothing to make her happy. He would certainly never describe someone that he held in high esteem to have delicious tits. His aim was clear, quite transparently, to hit me right where it hurt from the get-go; to knock me to my knees before I had a chance to hurt him with my ever-painful presence. But he’d obviously made another miscalculation; I didn’t have it in me to fail.

  I squared my shoulders as if to carry the weight of everything within me. ‘When did this happen?’ I stoically asked.

  He paused before answering. ‘This morning.’

  Oh. ‘When I saw you leave for a run, you went to her? Did you sleep with her?’ I said despite the fact that the already painful knot in my stomach tightened in protest.

  ‘I kissed her, and I could have—’ he broke off as he seemed to replay the scene in his mind, and then established eye contact with me again. ‘I could never do that to you, Cate.’

  ‘Ah but you did, didn’t you? It seems to me that your game plan needs to be revised. You kissed her and in my books you may as well have slept with her. Unlike the rest of our lives there are no grey areas here. Unfaithful is unfaithful.’

  He was quiet again, as was I, as we both attempted to absorb what was happening. ‘Speaking of unfaithful, am I right to assume that you’ve slept with Blake?’

  My words were suddenly gridlocked in my tightened throat and I tried to funnel them through in the order that I had, in the past few minutes, swiftly scripted in my head. But my falter registered as an admission. I don’t know why, but instead of contradicting his belief, I allowed him to assume that he was correct. Maybe it was a scornful thing to do, maybe I was subconsciously creating an even playing field — tit for tat — or maybe I was just too stunned because of the unforeseen direction that this conversation had taken. In recent months Blake had been the furthest thing from my mind. Whatever the reason, Nick did read my silence as an admission, and he sat back in his chair without removing his resolute gaze.

  ‘I never actually knew what was happening between the two of you, but now I guess I do,’ he said. My brain tried to back-track, but whatever words I wanted to say didn’t compute with my mouth and it left me gaping like a searching fish. When he spoke again it was with inevitability. ‘It’s finally happening to us, isn’t it, Cate?’

  It was time to shake things up, so I opted to gamble and calculated my words to prove him right.

  ‘To be honest, Nick, I didn’t always expect this to happen, but you have to admit that you really gave me no choice, did you? You’re always so absent. Sure you’re here in body but you’re not really here are you? You used to love being my husband. It’s not my fault that you forced me to doubt that you want me.’

  He pulled his fingers into his palms as if to refrain from reaching toward me. I waited him out. I wanted the slightest clue that it really wasn’t over. I shifted impatiently in my chair as his discipline won out, his body unmoving as time slipped away from us. ‘I am trying my hardest to remain calm but you’re pushing me beyond it, Nick. Tell me, why is my doubt ridiculous?’

  ‘I really do love you,’ he said, as if telling me the grass is green.

  ‘Forgive my confusion, but you’ve acted like I don’t exist for the past three years, and just this morning while you were “loving me” you had your tongue down another woman’s throat.’

  ‘I do love you,’ he repeated almost inaudibly. ‘It’s just that I don’t want to anymore. Once I became your husband I swore that giving you everything, being what you wanted me to be, loving you like you deserve to be loved, would be my only job. But I’ve done nothing but fail you, so at some point this has to—’ he cut himself off.

  My heart barrelled and I fought to swallow down the sick feeling you get when you can taste the finality of something amazing. I managed to speak with something that resembled control. ‘You just refuse to listen don’t you? You think you’re being noble? You’re my hero just being my husband, just being by my side. I don’t want everything else. I just want you.’

  A low grunt that was derived from his deep aching escaped him, and when he spoke his voice shook. ‘Well isn’t it lucky for you then, because I’m not everything, am I?’

  ‘Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? You sound like a brooding child instead of the intelligent twenty-seven year old adult that I’m trying to share my life with. I. Just. Want. You. Everything else is insignificant.’

  He shook his head in disbelief.

  ‘Argh. You’re so…incessantly infuriating!’

  ‘We’ll add that the long list of my deficiencies then, shall we?’

  The clock ticked…

  ‘I can’t go on pretending that we are getting exactly what we want from each other. After everything that has happened between us, I just can’t see how our marriage can be salvaged.’

  ‘Stop recycling the past, Nick. We can still have a future.’

  ‘Recycling? The past is my future. Don’t you get it? No matter how hard I try, I can’t change who I am. You can’t change who I am. There is no other road here, Cate. They all lead to the same place. So what’s the point?’

  ‘The point is that you’ve rejected me for the past three years and I have still not given up on us. I see the way people look at me, thinking how undignified I am by staying with a husband who openly shows that he wants nothing to do with me. But they don’t know you like I know you. I know your heart, and I know that it beats with a love that is intense and...tangible. It’s real.’

  He swallowed hard and said nothing. The clock ticked as I waited for him to deny my truth.

  ‘As usual I can see that this conversation will follow the script of the past few years and be frustratingly one-sided, so I guess I’ll continue to talk like the fool that you constantly make me feel like.’ I paused again to give him a chance to refute me, but he didn’t. ‘You use the winery and the restaurant and your ambition for a five star vineyard, and all of the work that it takes as a way of distracting yourself from us. I will no longer be part of a one-sided marriage, Nick.’

  He lifted his eyes to mine. ‘You don’t have to anymore.’

  We each took a breath, and looking at my hands in my lap spanning across my growing belly, I thought of all things that were still possible for us.

  ‘I think loving me scares the hell out of you,’ I said as kept my head low. Then I eyed him. ‘It is the one thing that cannot be controlled. That’s why it’s—’

  ‘Suffocating.’

  I caught my breath and then let it go, tears falling helplessly down my face. With one word h
e’d stolen all of the fight that I had left. Sitting opposite my husband, I felt as though I was on my knees before him, begging for him to say something different. ‘You’re breaking my heart.’

  ‘You fucked Blake,’ he countered.

  He rubbed his face with his hands and then ran both of them through his hair again. He was obviously spent; the years of second guessing everything about me had exhausted his mind, and had weighed his heart so heavily that it felt as if it was beating in his feet and not his chest cavity where it had in the beginning. I knew the feeling; my culpability stole my life too, and I refused to allow him to feel at fault for everything that I had put him through.

  He looked at me and I attempted a smile. It was a pained effort to help him to understand that I really did love him, and, as I always did when my eyes grew hopeful and he’d once told me they resembled the deepest of oceans, I enticed him to dive right into me. My husband was finally looking at me; seeing me. He knew that whatever his plan was to get rid of me, or to set me free, whatever he thought he was doing, his objective was wavering. His mind was ticking over, recalculating. Perhaps he was finally acknowledging our reality; when push came to shove, and however astute his willpower, he knew that letting me go would be the end of him, the end of me.

  I watched his fingers as they nervously wound and then unwound, tightening and loosening around each other as our dinner grew cold. He lifted his wet blue eyes to mine; helplessness had etched the red rim around them. His tired face was the picture of a broken man; my exhaustless husband was unequivocally exhausted.

  ‘Please, Nick,’ I pleaded. ‘I’m so sorry that I tainted us in the beginning. I know I’m to blame for this mess, but please don’t let go. Help me save us.’

  ‘I have nothing left to offer you.’

  I could see his torment all over his face, in his hands as they moved millimetres toward me and then pulled back as he fought with himself. His breathtaking fear almost had him surrender. I recognised the look of a person who was trying to pull the weight of the world to the surface; we were not that different from each other. I prayed for him to just let it all go. He’d feel so much better if he’d surrender and to get back what we once had.

  ‘I think you know what needs to happen here. I need you to admit that,’ he said.

  ‘I will not give in. I don’t know how you can so easily.’

  He stood to leave, and I matched his position as we rose together.

  ‘Wait,’ I stopped him before he walked away from me. ‘Just do one last thing for me.’

  He let out an impatient breath and I took quick advantage of the minute chance he gave me to continue.

  ‘If this is how you want it then that’s fine. Obviously there is nothing about our life together that you want to hold onto. But please just spend one night in this house, in our bed, remembering how it used to feel to be here together.’ I stepped close enough to him to implore him to grant my request but far enough away so as to not invade his personal space. ‘Please. You owe me nothing, but will you just indulge me this one last thing before we say good-bye?’

  ‘It’s just too painful to be around you, Cate.’

  ‘I’m not staying.’

  Alarm lit his eyes. ‘Where are you going?’

  I retrieved his keys that he’d place on the breakfast bar when he’d first come in. ‘Dad won’t mind if I stay with him for the night.’

  He gazed over the dining room, the kitchen and the hall that led to the rest of our home. He seemed lost here just like I was.

  ‘It’s been a long time since its felt welcoming, hasn’t it?’ I said as I made for the door. ‘Is Kevin capable of closing up the restaurant tonight?’

  He shrugged. ‘I guess so.’

  ‘Good. I’ll go and excuse you for the night before I leave. Please stay and enjoy your dinner,’ I said as I left. ‘And don’t worry about the kitchen. I’ll clean it up in the morning.’

  I made my way to the restaurant without a hope in hell that he would stay put in the house, but it was worth a try.

  Inside the dining area only a handful of tables were occupied by quietly chattering guests. I guessed the pouring rain was keeping people indoors tonight. Equally chatty were the three waitresses and the barman as they’d obviously run out of work to do.

  ‘Lucy, can I have a word please?’ I said as I gestured for her to sit at an empty table with me.

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Well, I’ve learned that today you and Nick had a misguided sharing of affection.’

  She grinned at me. Did she really believe that she’d won? ‘We kissed, Catey. No matter how simplistically you put it.’

  ‘Ok. My husband kissed you. I honestly don’t know how this is going to work out. You may have the chance to finally steal him away from me. But just for tonight, leave Nick alone. If you are any sort of friend to him, give him some space to work out what he really wants. If he decides to leave me in the morning then so be it, and good luck to you. I’m sure you have enough respect for him to at least allow him this time.’

  She sat back on her chair in astonishment. ‘Wow. It could really be over?’

  ‘It seems that way.’ A smile pulled on the corners of her mouth. I leaned into the table. ‘Don’t confuse my generosity with permission,’ I warned, ‘my patience with you has all but dissipated. And I wouldn’t advise that you push yourself onto Nick. We’ve both known him long enough to understand that he’s capable of making the right decision all on his own. Please don’t say a word,’ I interrupted her attempt to speak as I stood from the table. ‘I’m afraid the last of my patience just ran out.’

  Chapter 27

  ‘Mrs Mathieson!’ Kevin called from the cellar. He caught up to me as I made my way up the driveway. ‘Good morning,’ he said, a little out of breath, but we walked as we talked.

  ‘Hi, Kevin. How are you this morning?’

  ‘Good, good. I haven’t seen Nick, nobody has. I wondered if he was ill.’

  ‘Ill? I don’t think so. Have you checked the house?’

  ‘We’re not allowed in the house, Mrs Mathieson.’

  My step faltered and Kevin seemed suddenly less worried about his missing boss and more uncomfortable about broaching a private subject with his boss’s wife. ‘Since when?’

  ‘Well…since Blake—.’

  Of course. ‘Ok. Never mind. What about the office?’ He gave me an I-wouldn’t-bother-you-if-I-hadn’t-looked-everywhere look. ‘I’ll see if I can find him.’

  He ran back toward the cellar. ‘Tell him I have things under control if you want him to actually take a day off,’ he called.

  ‘Thanks, Kevin.’

  The minute I stepped through the main entrance of the homestead, I knew he was still in there. I felt it. I felt him. The house didn’t feel empty anymore. The kitchen was spotless as I looked for him; all traces of the dinner cleaned and packed away in the freezer. I allowed a smile as I noted the apple pie in the fridge with a slice missing from it.

  Satisfied that he was not on the lower level, I walked up the stairs that led to our bedroom. I reached into the back pocket of my jeans to make sure that I carried with me the help that I needed to answer his prayers.

  I pushed open the door to our bedroom and my heart melted. He was asleep, but restlessly it seemed, as his brows furrowed as if in a bad dream. He slept on the far side of the bed — my side of the bed — and my pillow was pulled under his chin. I crept to the bed.

  ‘Nick,’ I coaxed him gently out of sleep. When he opened his eyes it was as if to an apparition. He blinked once as he pushed himself on his arms to sit, rubbing his face in his hands. ‘Hi,’ I smiled.

  ‘Good morning.’

  ‘Can I sit?’

  He shuffled over to make room for me.

  ‘Sleep well?’

  ‘Not at all.’

  ‘Well, I can’t say that I’m sorry to hear that. It was kind of the point.’ When he finally looked at me I could tell that my aim had been met.
I had to force the growing relief from my face. I thought it best just to get this whole plan underway. ‘I want to ask you a question even though it may be too confronting for nine o’clock in the morning.’

  ‘I have nothing more to lose.’

  I took my time to select my words carefully. ‘When you hired Blake, did you do that ignoring your better judgment about him because you thought that I would leave you for him?’

  ‘Everything I ever do is for you.’

  ‘Not matter how irrational?’

  He shrugged. ‘Whatever it takes.’

  ‘And when you helped Lucy all of those years ago, were you testing me to see how much I would tolerate from you?’

  He didn’t have to think about it. ‘Yes. But I didn’t realise until after I did it.’

  ‘I forgave you. I stayed.’

  ‘You astounded me.’

  ‘But, subconsciously, you always thought that I would leave you?’

  A low humourless laugh left him. ‘Subconsciously? I was always well aware of that.’

  ‘I think that you have been sabotaging us from the beginning. You never really believed that you had me, did you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘It was my fault. I should have given in to what I felt for you much sooner than I did because then you would never have had doubt; you never would have believed that I would leave you the first chance that I got. But, I’ve come to terms with my faults. Which brings me to my next question, how was your night?’

  He eyed me with a hint of humour and it was then that I knew that my last-ditch effort had succeeded. ‘Lonely.’

  ‘More lonely than the office?’

  ‘Immeasurably.’

  I took a long look around our bedroom. ‘I miss you the most when I’m alone in here, being constantly reminded of our life that has revolved around this room.’

  He too scanned the room and now openly smiled. ‘How many times have I made love to you in here, do you think?’

  ‘At my last count…five million and one. How many times have we fought?’