Building Dreams

by Ginna Gray

  After a few minutes, Cathy signaled the start of another contraction. The baby picked that instant to give a tremendous kick.

  "What the-—" Ryan jerked his hand back as though he had been burned with a hot poker. His head whipped around, and he stared at Tess, his eyes wide.

  Hot color flooded her face. She couldn't have spoken if her life had depended on it.

  His gaze returned to her tummy. He stared at it for several seconds, then—slowly, cautiously—his hand lowered once again.

  The baby responded to Ryan's touch with a series of vigorous kicks and butted his head for good measure. To Tess's amazement, Ryan's face lost its granite set and his lips curved in a faint smile. He looked at her again, and her breath caught. This time his vivid eyes shone with warmth and awe and that unspoken camaraderie that occurs when two people share a special moment.

  The rest of the class passed in a daze. They participated fully, both following Cathy's instructions to the letter. Ryan timed her "contractions" and gave instructions and encouragement. Tess panted and blew on cue and tried to center her attention on some outside object. Ryan even exchanged quips with the other couples. But every time the baby made a rambunctious movement, Ryan's gaze sought hers.

  Tess tried to tell herself that she was imagining things, but she knew it wasn't so. Something had happened—something magical—in those unguarded moments when her unborn child had pummeled Ryan's palm. Impossible as it seemed, that small, tactile, yet moving experience had somehow forged a bond between them.

  It was ridiculous. Ryan had said nothing, done nothing different. His expression was still stern. His touch was still impersonal. Yet she sensed the change. The icy remoteness was gone. So was the underlying anger. Their relationship had altered, shifted subtly without her quite knowing how or why, and she had the feeling it would never return to what it had been.

  Tess was not at all sure she welcomed the change. Ryan McCall was an intense, difficuh man. She had the feeling that even simple friendship with him would be emotionally wearing.

  After the lesson the class members usually lingered to visit and share anecdotes and pregnancy experiences. Tonight Tess had intended to make an excuse and leave quickly, but Ryan foiled that plan. To her surprise, he responded to the other couples with an ease that left her gaping, deftly fielding subtle inquiries about his relationship with Tess without a trace of embarrassment or irritation and chuckling with the other men over tales of midnight cravings and swollen ankles and unexpected mood swings. He fit right in. Tess was certain that an outsider would have taken him for one of the expectant fathers.

  ❧

  During the short drive home they were both quiet. Several times Tess glanced at Ryan and wondered if he felt as unsettled as she did, but his expression was unreadable.

  The air between them still pulsed with tension, but where before it had sprung from antagonism, now it resulted from i different emotions—acute sensitivity, awkwardness, awareness that the gulf between them had narrowed. The taut silence held almost a sense of...of anticipation, though of what, Tess couldn't unagine.

  She supposed what had happened between them during class was only natural. After all, it was difficult to maintain a distance from someone when he was holding your hand and rubbing your tummy.

  Like it or not, they had become aware of each other on a personal level. No longer did they see one another solely as adversaries, but as people—people with the same basic human need for another's touch, another's warmth.

  Still, it troubled Tess that the experience had felt so good. It was foolish, she knew, but having Ryan there beside her had made her feel, for a short time, as though she were like the other women in the class, as though she were part of a couple again. She had almost felt... cherished.

  Tess sighed. Amanda was a good coach and a dear friend, but there was no denying that tonight she had drawn comfort from Ryan's masculine strength.

  Which, of course, had been nothing more than foolish self-indulgence. Shifting on the seat, Tess turned her head to stare out the side window. She was alone now; she had come to terms with that—or at least, until tonight, she had thought she had. There was no man in her life—certainly not Ryan McCall. He was merely a neighbor, doing her a favor. Reluctantly, at that. She'd do well to remember that.

  Ryan felt confused and surprised. He had expected the Lamaze class to be awkward, maybe even embarrassing. He hadn't expected it to be a deeply moving experience.

  The thrill that had rippled through him when he'd felt those little thumps and kicks against his palm had been indescribable. He had felt humbled and awed and excited all at one time. Even now, just thinking about it made his skin tingle.

  There had been more to the experience, though, than just the miracle of life. There had been the closeness of the other couples in the class. Some were expecting their first child, some their second or third or fourth. Hell, the Tolbins were having their seventh! Yet, in every case, their joy and excitement over having a baby was obvious.

  He hadn't expect that, either. Logically, Ryan knew that there were couples who were happy in their marriages. His cousins, Erin and Elise and David all seemed deliriously happy with their mates. So did his younger brother, though Ryan was reserving judgment there, since Travis and Rebecca had only been married a few months. In general. however, he tended to think of marriage in negative terms. He had to admit, it felt good to know that other couples were happy together.

  They were back at the apartment complex within minutes. At her door Tess turned with a polite smile. "Mr. McCall, I-"

  "Call me Ryan. After what we just went through together, Mr. McCall seems a bit formal, don't you think?"

  "Oh. Very well, then...Ryan. I want to thank you for all that you've done for me. I really do appreciate it. I don't know how I'll ever repay you."

  "Tell you what... give me a cup of coffee and we'll call it even."

  She hid it well, but Ryan knew he had surprised her. Hell, he'd surprised himself. He didn't know why he'd made the suggestion—except that he was still keyed up over the class. That, and there was something about this woman that intrigued him.

  He wouldn't stay but a few minutes, he told himself. Just long enough to drink a cup of coffee and get the answers to some questions that had been nagging at him.

  "All right," Tess said with a wan smile. "It hardly seems a fair exchange, but if that's what you want ..."

  In the living room she gestured toward the sofa. "Won't you sit down. I'll, uh...I'll just go make the coffee."

  Halfway to the kitchen she turned back and fluttered her hands. "Oh, I forgot. I'm afraid all I have is decaffeinated coffee. The regular kind isn't good for the baby, so I don't buy it anymore."

  "Decaf is fine."

  Instead of sitting, Ryan stuck his fingertips in the back pockets of his jeans and wandered around the room. While she made coffee, Tess darted several anxious glances at him over the bar that separated the kitchen from the living room, but he pretended not to notice.

  The floor plan of her apartment was identical to his own, the walls the same off-white, the carpet the same neutral beige, yet hers seemed nicer. More appealing. The difference was, he realized finally, that Tess had managed to put her own stamp on the place.

  In the living room a lovely old Oriental rug in mellow tones of green and cream and faded raspberry covered most of the blah carpeting. On it, her furniture—graceful tables topped with china and crystal lamps and an inviting overstuffed sofa and chairs upholstered in soft green and cream—formed a cozy grouping. Pictures graced the walls and small decorative items were scattered throughout the room, all artfully arranged. An arrangement of dried flowers sat in the center of the coffee table and lush plants were everywhere.

  She had given the place a woman's touch, and by doing so had somehow transformed a drab, run-of-the-mill apartment into a home. Next to this, his place looked downright bleak.

  Tess returned bearing a tray, and Ryan joined her on the sofa. "
Thanks,'' he said, accepting the cup she handed him. Tess smiled weakly and gazed at the shining surface of her coffee, at a picture on the opposite wall, at the toe of her shoe—anywhere but at Ryan.

  "Mike tells me you're a high school teacher," Ryan said tentatively after several awkward moments.

  "Yes. I teach earth science."

  "I see. So, where did you go to college?"

  "Texas Tech."

  She looked back at her coffee, and several more seconds ticked by. Ryan's jaw clenched. So much for the subtle approach. Getting the woman to loosen up was like pulling eyeteeth. He might as well get right to the point.

  "Will you answer something for me?"

  Tess darted him a wary look. "I suppose so. If I can."

  "What made you decide to go for natural childbirth?"

  " That's easy." Her face softened and she unconsciously smoothed a hand over the swollen mound beneath her maternity smock. "Natural birth is much better for the baby."

  ''True. But more painful for you."

  "I suppose so. But that doesn't matter. I want to be wide awake and aware of everything that's happening during my baby's birth. I've waited too long for this to miss out on a single minute."

  Recalling the feelings that had shot through him when he'd felt her baby kick, Ryan immediately understood. He would have given a lot to have been present at Mike's birth.

  Still, he wasn't quite sure he believed Tess. Julia had certainly not wanted any part of natural birth. Or motherhood, for that matter. Could there really be that much difference in women?

  Narrowing his eyes, he studied Tess's dreamy expression and mysterious smile. Apparently so. Good Lord. The woman was almost glowing.

  "You really want this baby, don't you?"

  "Of course I do," she said in a shocked voice, and curved her arm around her tummy in an unconscious gesture of protection.

  "Don't get upset. I only asked because a lot of women wouldn't in your position."

  "You mean because I'm a widow? But that's all the more reason. When my husband died, I thought I had lost him completely. Then, I found out that I was pregnant, and I realized that part of Tom would live on through his child. It was like a miracle."

  "You mean he died not knowing he was going to be a father?"

  Tess nodded. "I didn't even suspect myself until almost a month after the funeral."

  A sad, bittersweet smile curved her mouth. "The irony of it is, we wanted a family. But Tom and I both felt very strongly that children deserve a full-time mother, so we put off trying until we felt we were in a position for me to quit my job.

  "Finally, last fall, Tom was made principal of the high school where we both taught. It was something he had been working and hoping for. We had just finished remodeling the home that I inherited from my parents, and with that expense out of the way and his salary increase we felt that, finally, we could afford for me to stop teaching and stay home and raise a family.

  "We were hoping that I would become pregnant sometime before the end of the school year." She ran one finger around the rim of her coffee cup and stared at the shining surface of the liquid. "Sure enough, I did get pregnant ... only Tom never knew it."

  "How did he die?" Ryan raised his cup to his lips and watched her over the rim.

  Tess's voice dropped to little more than a whisper. "An aneurysm in his brain. One minute he was working at his desk, the next he was lying in a crumpled heap on the floor. His secretary heard the thump and rushed in, but it was already too late—he was gone.''

  "I'm sorry. That must have been rough."

  "Yes. It was." Taking a deep breath, Tess sat up straighter and blinked the moisture from her eyes. She squared her shoulders and aimed a determined little smile at him. "But after a while you realize that you have to put grief behind you and get on with life."

  Only if you're a fighter, Ryan thought. And he suddenly had a hunch that Tess Benson, for all her petite build and wholesome beauty, was as scrappy as they came. She had taken a blow that had knocked her to her knees, a blow that would have done in a lot of women, but she had pulled herself back up on her own. Somehow, he doubted that she ever stayed down for long.

  "Having the baby has helped me do that. It's given me a reason to go on, something to focus my energies on, other than feeling sorry for myself."

  "So what's next? Will you go back to teaching after the baby is born?"

  "Not for a while."

  "That's right. Mike did mention you were going to take a long sabbatical."

  Tess chuckled. "I said that as a joke. Somehow, I don't think the school board would look on five years as a sabbatical."

  "Five years? You're not going back to work for five years? How the hell will you live with no income?"

  "I'll manage. Between Tom's life insurance and the money I received from the sale of my house, I figure I can make out that long. If I'm careful."

  Ryan was flabbergasted. He made a restless movement and almost spilled his coffee. He set the cup down on the table beside the sofa and turned to her. "Look. I know that this is none of my business, but I think you're making a serious mistake. Any financial advisor would tell you that it's not wise to deplete your capital. You would have more long-term security if you invested that money."

  "I'm aware of that. However, this is a matter of priorities. Providing emotional security for my child during the formative years happens to be more important to me than financial security for myself. Tom and I waited six years to have this baby. I'm not going to leave him or her with someone else unless I have to."

  "Okay. I can understand that, but aren't there any other choices? Don't you have any family that could help?"

  Tess shook her head. "My parents died in a car crash when I was in college. They were both only children, and as far as I know, I have no living relatives. I suppose I could ask my in-laws for help, but I won't."

  "Why not?"

  "Let's just say that I value my independence too much to give them any kind of control over me or my child."

  "Independence is great, but taking a little help from family doesn't mean you have to surrender your freedom. I'm sure your in-laws are concerned about you and the baby."

  "They might be ... if they knew."

  "What! Are you saying.. .you mean you haven't told them you're expecting?"

  "No, I haven't. You see—"

  "Man, that really stinks." His voice reeked with disgust and disapproval. So did his expression.

  "I know it sounds terrible, but you see, my husband didn't get along with his family. He had all but severed ties with them, and—"

  "I don't care about that," Ryan snapped. "Those people are still your baby's grandparents, and they've got a right to know about their son's child. Family is important. They may be a pain in the butt sometimes, and they may not always do and say what you want them to, but when the chips are down they're usually there for you when no one else is."

  Tess bit her lower lip. Maybe that was true of most families, but from what she knew of the Bensons, she had her doubts.

  She had learned from her husband to be leery of them. From what Tom had told her and her own brief experience with the elder Bensons, they seemed to equate love with control. Tom had always wanted to be a teacher, but his parents had had other plans for him. They had expected him to enter the family banking business, as his older brother, Charles, had done. At every turn they had manipulated and schemed and blocked Tom's efforts to follow his chosen career and be his own man. In the end he'd had to resort to total separation to escape their domination.

  Still, the naked censure in Ryan's eyes and words raked over Tess's conscience like sharp talons. Maybe she was being unfair, judging too harshly on too little evidence. It had been a long time and people change. Surely, after their experience with Tom, they had learned by now to let go.

  She sighed and grimaced ruefully. "Maybe you're right. Actually, I have been thinking about writing to them. I'll do it soon. I promise."

 
He studied her for several seconds, as though trying to decide if she was telling the truth. Finally he nodded. "Good. You're doing the right thing. And if they offer to help you I hope you'll accept."

  "No. That I won't do." She held up her hand, cutting him off when he started to say more. "Ryan, please. I said I would let them know about the baby, and I will. But that's as far as I go." Her voice was mild, and a gentle smile curved her soft lips, but those whiskey brown eyes held an implacable glint. "Now, if you don't mind, could we change the subject?"

  Ryan stared, at a loss for words. With her slight build and bright hair, those wide, innocent eyes and the smattering of freckles across her nose, Tess looked as dehcate as a dandelion thistle. At that moment, however, he realized that beneath the wholesome, almost ethereal beauty, was a woman of rare strength and conviction.

  A strange welter of emotions tightened his chest. He could not help but admire her. How many women would willingly sacrifice financial security and their livelihood for their child's emotional well-being? It was a loving, totally unselfish thing to do, yet he wanted to shake her for doing it.

  "All right. It's your choice," he conceded grudgingly. He picked up his coffee cup and took a healthy swallow. "So what would you like to talk about?"

  "Well...since you know so much about me, it's only fair that I learn more about you. Mike tells me that you and Reilly are from Crockett."

  For the next half hour they talked about his family, about Mike, about his business, and the struggle it had been to keep it alive. He told her about the large tract of land that R & R Construction owned, which he and Reilly hoped to develop into a planned community. They intended to call it Wildwood, since the acreage, which was located only a few miles away, was covered with virgin forest.

  Everything was cordial until Tess brought up the subject of Ryan's marriage.

  "Mike told me that you and his mother were divorced," she stated innocently.

  Tess knew at once that she had made a mistake. The instant the words were out she saw the curtain come down over Ryan's face. He stiffened, and his jaw grew tight.