“It’s a parking lot, Milo. You have to drive slow. There are lots of kids.”
I got out of the parking lot and sped up. Driving faster than I probably should have.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. Probably April worried about Milo. She was a good woman. The complete opposite of her sister.
I’d get Milo home safe and sound.
Then I’d go home and do everything I could to not find old pictures of me and Kinsley.
Years later and she could still mess up my entire life… and I welcomed it.
I sat on the couch and looked at my laptop on the table. Beyond that, a small fire slowly died out in the stone fireplace. The word cozy left this place a little ago. My entire world had been flipped upside down. All because of the fucking email.
Sent from whoever ran the entire soccer league, talking about the fields, games, practices, tryouts for winter teams, and all that parenting stuff that really didn’t pertain to me. I helped when April needed me to help. I went to Milo’s games and cheered him on. But this email…
My bare toes wiggled on the cold hardwood floor. I slammed my hands to my knees and stood up. There wasn’t enough booze in the kitchen cabinet or beer in the fridge to ease me. To make me forget what I saw. To convince me that what I was thinking about doing was actually a good idea. And while it was a bad idea, there was no stopping me from doing it.
Just like when I opened the email and saw this massive list of names. Apparently this guy didn’t know how to send an email without giving out everyone’s email address. Which really wasn’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life. Except my eyes jumped to one name.
Kinsley - Paige
It was right there. Right in front of me. Kinsley’s email. And her daughter’s name. Paige.
One click, and a new email opened with Kinsley all to myself. I could write anything I wanted to her.
Sometimes in life you needed to jump. While others carefully looked at the ledge and tried to figure out if it was safe to jump, I’d walk up to it, give it one look, and I’d be gone. But then there were times when I would jump without even looking. And that was all because of…
I shut my eyes as I walked across the floor.
I shook it away.
I had to shake it away.
Everything.
What I was feeling. What I was thinking.
I crouched in front of the fireplace and reached for a couple of pieces of wood. I tossed them into the fire and within a few seconds the fire was already burning bigger and hotter.
It made me grit my teeth.
The wood burns because there was already a spark… but while the spark creates the fire, the fire turns the wood into ash… nothing lasts forever… no matter what you do… it all comes to an end…
I didn’t need to do the cliché metaphorical bullshit thing in my head because it wasn’t going to calm me down.
My right hand twitched and reached out as though I expected a loyal dog to come to my side. Something to distract me. Something to keep me company while I enjoyed the peaceful quietness of my cabin, tucked away from being near too many people at once.
I told myself right then and there to make an important decision…
Get a dog or take care of that email.
A dog would keep me safe. Keep me company. Keep me on a path that would make it a little easier on my already beaten up and scarred heart.
I looked to my right to the phantom dog.
A black lab. A big German shepherd. A loyal golden retriever.
I glanced over my shoulder and saw my laptop just sitting there on the table.
Kinsley had been a million miles away for years, but now was just the press of a button back to me. Unless, of course, she ignored my email or just the sight of my name was enough to make her want to change her email address. Which was very probable.
Or…
“She has a kid,” I whispered.
Which meant she had a whole new life. Someone was that kid’s father. Was it her husband? Her fiancé? Her boyfriend? Was she a single mother just trying to get by?
The thoughts poured out faster than I was able to keep up with.
Leading me to one thing I knew for sure.
Standing on that field hours ago, watching all those little kids kick around soccer balls, there was only one thing on my mind. And hers too.
Our daughter should be here. Right now. Seven years old. Chasing a soccer ball around, wearing pink cleats, purple socks, dirty blonde hair dancing behind her as she ran.
My stomach twisted, then I stood up.
I wandered to the kitchen and got a bottle of whiskey that had my name all over it. I twisted off the cap and threw the bottle back like it was water. A few seconds of added courage to flow through my system, then I went to get my laptop.
The two emails were still open. The one sent to everyone. And the blank one with just Kinsley’s name on it.
My ass was on the edge of the couch as I hovered over the keyboard. The fire raged wildly in the fireplace.
I was completely alone… but had everything I’d ever wanted right there at my fingertips.
5
The Stars and Replies
Kinsley
Paige was home safe. Linda tried forcing money into my hand and I argued with her until I finally just backed out of the house and shut the door. She showed me the middle finger and I waved with a big smile.
I walked across the front yard with a clear, dark sky above my head. I looked up and paused for a second. Our little slice of the world here was so dark that the stars were out in the millions. It was such a beautiful sight on nights like this. I shivered and hugged myself as I stood there, mentally drawing lines, picking out the only two constellations I knew. The Big Dipper… or maybe it was the Little Dipper… and Orion. The three stars that made up the belt made it super easy to spot. Now, ask me to draw the rest of the constellation and I was done for.
I laughed to myself and came up with an idea. There were apps you could download to look at the stars. If I held my phone up, I’d be able to see the shape of Orion. Why did that matter? It didn’t. Not one bit.
But it intrigued me.
I took my phone out and did the stupid instinctive thing which was to check my email. Just like everyone else in the world addicted to their phones, it was always a quick email check and a quick social media check. Especially if notifications were waiting. At least for me, I had the lame excuse of owning my own business. I had an emergency email that I created that I allowed anyone to email me on if they had questions about their pets, medications, appointments, or actual emergencies. While I wasn’t able to open my practice for a true emergency, I could help the person with their pet and get them to someone who could. Most of the emails were for minor issues.
My phone vibrated as a handful of emails came through. Most were junk. One email was from a woman named Carol who typed two words - IT WORKED! - referring to my suggestion of using peanut butter to help her poodle take her medication.
There was another email waiting, mixed between the others.
No subject.
But the name was strikingly familiar. So much so that I shook my head and blinked a few times, because there was no way in hell this name could be real.
Brice.
I brought the phone closer to my face as though the text was going to change. It didn’t change. The name was right there. Clear as day. Just a first name though. So it could mean that any Brice was emailing me.
My heart was already racing though. My mouth instantly went dry. I licked my lips but that did nothing. My kneecaps started to shake, and it wasn't because of the chilly air. My chin quivered, and the shaking feeling eased down to my hands.
I took a deep breath and held it, trying to calm myself.
There was no way that this could be…
I tapped my thumb on the screen to open the email.
Hey Love,
I know it’s been a while
I tur
ned the screen off on my phone. My hand opened, and the phone fell to the grass. I looked up to the stars. Frozen in a moment that I swore to myself would never come. There was no way we would ever see each other again. No way we’d ever talk again. No way we’d ever have that casual bump into each other if we decided to visit the tiny little gravestone of the daughter we lost.
I couldn’t even bear to look to the left at my house. Because that was my new life. That was my everything now. Seeing his name and knowing that he was somehow able to reach out to me made everything in my life suddenly shake. Nobody knew about my past. About our past. That was the whole point of being right here. The whole point of taking Paige to soccer. Being a good neighbor and a better friend. The whole point of the perfectly green yard and the oversized house and the darkness and quietness of the cul-de-sac.
For all I cared, the phone could stay right there in the grass. Maybe it would get cold enough to frost over. Maybe the morning dew would get into the phone and break it. Not that it would matter. Brice was in my phone. He had my email. Which meant I now had his. Which meant that the inevitable had just crept into my dark, quiet, secret, new, perfect, beautiful life.
There was no way I wasn’t going to read Brice’s email… and there was no way I wasn’t going to respond.
I washed my face and dabbed a towel to my cheeks as I caught my reflection in the mirror. My hair pulled back, the curls forever fighting to be curly. Tiny strands of hair that had never grown long since being pregnant all those years ago. I counted the lines on my forehead, wondering how many I had ten years ago. Or if my cheeks looked the same. I caught myself standing at the large mirror, slowly moving my gaze down and back up. Everything was different. My hips were wider. I had new subtle curves that decided to make an appearance that were stubborn, no matter how hard I tried to take care of myself.
My eyes moved from the reflection in the mirror to my phone.
The bathroom door opened a little bit and Ben poked his head in.
He was shirtless, his wide shoulders and broad chest nicely defined. Not as nice as it was when I first met him, but who was I to judge what time had done to us, right? A relationship wasn’t built on looking the same as you did when you first met the person.
“Hey,” Ben whispered. “You coming to bed?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Just washing my face.”
“I love the way you look before bed,” he said with a wink. “It’s a side nobody else gets to see.”
I swallowed hard, my cheeks feeling flush. “Thank you.”
“Come to bed,” he whispered.
“Be right there,” I said.
At the last second, Ben reached for my phone and took it off the bathroom counter. My heart leapt into my throat. My mind raced.
Did I close the email from Brice? Oh, shit, I didn’t even read the email. I have no idea what the email says. What if Brice…
Panic roared through me. I hurried out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. There was no easy way of making this look subtle. I bit my lip as I watched Ben climb into bed, my phone in his hand. He normally wasn’t the type to check my phone. At least I didn’t think so. Not that I would ever fear him looking through it.
Except this time…
I walked to my side of the bed. I stripped off the silk robe I wore and gently placed it on the floor. Climbing into the bed, my eyes wouldn’t look away from the phone. If he read the email… the conversation it would start…
“Can I have my phone?” I asked.
“Why? Need to text your boyfriend goodnight?”
“What?” I snapped.
Ben laughed. A very dry laugh. He never really had a good, true laugh.
“I knew what you were doing in the bathroom, my dear.”
“Oh?” I asked.
He handed my phone to me and frowned. “You keep checking your emergency email. Always worried about everyone.”
I swallowed a big lump in my throat. Relief washed over me with the sour taste of guilt.
“Ben, it’s not that simple.”
“Of course it is,” he said. “It’s almost ten-thirty. There’s nothing you can do.”
“Sure there is. I can give suggestions. Or call the emergency-”
“Kinsley,” he said in a stern voice. “If Fido is on his last leg, that’s not your problem.”
I raised an eyebrow. “It matters to me. People treat their pets like children. I mean, the way they feel about them. Rightfully so. It’s not just a pet. It’s a family member.”
Ben smiled. “You’re adorable, Kinsley.” He reached across the bed and touched my cheek. “Did you have a dog or cat as a kid?”
“Actually, neither,” I said. “I wasn’t allowed.”
“Ah, so therein lies the obsession,” he said. “Maybe Santa will bring you a puppy this year. But only if you’re a good girl.”
He winked, but didn’t make a move. I waited for a few seconds, but nothing happened. He loved to wink at me. But to just come after me and kiss me, especially in bed, it was almost foreign to him. It fit into Ben’s personality of always planning everything out.
I curled my hand over my phone, feeling that same sense of relief and guilt.
“Stop checking,” he said. “It’s just a dog or a cat.”
“You do the same thing, you know,” I said. “You’re forever checking your emails. You have two phones.”
“To be fair, it’s almost tomorrow in many parts of the world.”
“What does that have to do with your job?”
I felt myself getting snippy, but whatever.
Ben raised an eyebrow. “I don’t just handle real estate, Kinsley. I have… you know what, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have a grasp of money or how it works. Plus, what I do is important. And last time I checked, it keeps the lights on.”
I heard the words coming out of his mouth and the urge to slap him became more and more. But that was just Ben. He didn’t know what he was saying or how he was saying it. I knew what he meant behind the words.
“My point is… get some sleep,” he said. He touched my cheek again. “I’m here to take care of you. You have a beautiful heart and a beautiful life to live. I’ll worry about the rest of the world, okay? Plus, if anyone has a real emergency, they should know what to do. Right?”
I solemnly nodded, forcing a quick smile to end the conversation before it took another wicked turn somewhere else.
I leaned in and Ben met me halfway for a quick goodnight kiss.
He groaned and made a comment about waking up at four to be out the door by five for a meeting in the city by six. In other words, he was crashing hard and I wouldn’t see him in the morning. I wasn’t sure when I’d see him again.
That was just the basis of our relationship. He worked. I worked. But we always came home to each other.
Ben rolled to his right side and I rolled to my left. He shut the light off on his nightstand and that was officially the end of the night. I waited a few seconds, biting my lip, knowing I wasn’t going to fall asleep anytime soon.
I needed to read the email from Brice.
I sat up in bed with the glow of the phone screen as my only light. I looked to my right a few times to make sure Ben was sleeping. He was out cold, the covers lifting and lowering with his breathing. Every now and again he would let out a deep snore. He was long gone.
I bit at my thumb nail, feeling incredibly uneasy with what I was about to do.
But what was the harm in it?
Brice somehow got my email and wrote to me. There was nothing wrong with that. I was going to read the email and that was that. The history Brice and I had together warranted me to be able to read a freaking email without feeling like a bad person. Even if Ben knew nothing about that time in my life. Not that I hid it from him. We just established a long time ago that our pasts were simply in the past. That being together meant being in the moment today and casually thinking about tomorrow. Which was basically me being casual and Ben forever pla
nning the future. But it worked. When he got too far into the future, I pulled him back. And when I got too stuck in the moment, he pushed me out of it.
I touched Ben’s shoulder with my right hand. I smiled.
It was just an email and nothing else.
I opened the email from Brice.
Hey Love,
I know it’s been a while. More years than I care to count. But I’m sure we both know I can tell you the exact amount of years, months, days, hours, and seconds. I think this is probably the part where I could get really cheap and talk about the weather. How it seems colder than normal for autumn. How the air smells like snow at night and in the morning. I swear I saw a few flurries the other morning. But you know me when I wake up. I’m there, but not really. It always takes me a while to get up and function.
So I guess we can say we survived the small talk, huh?
It’s going to sound a little crazy - if you’re even reading this - but I saw you at the soccer fields. No, I wasn’t there trying to find you or that I’m some weird guy that goes to kids’ soccer practices and games. It’s a complicated situation to explain, but I was there for a good reason. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would have looked across the field and spotted you. Your hair is longer. Much longer. It took me aback for a second because I figured my eyes were messing with me. You’d laugh if you knew how many times I’d seen you… walking a dog. Running. In the car next to me. Getting coffee somewhere. But each time I’d get closer, you would vanish and turn into someone else.
This time it was actually different.
It was you.
I knew it was you the second I saw you put your hair behind your ear. Because you do it the same way. You bring your entire hand to your hair but only use your middle finger to move it. And you do it three times, no matter what. Even if your hair doesn’t go all the way behind your ear and falls right back out, it was always three times and you were done.
That probably sounds strange. And I didn’t intend on just standing there watching you either. You were on the far opposite end of the field. I started to walk toward you and that’s when your daughter rushed to you. Honestly, the moment I saw her, I froze. I'm sure you know why. I didn’t write this email to talk about that though. I watched you for a second with her. You seem happy. You should be happy. You always deserved the ultimate kind of happiness, no matter where that is or who it’s with. So I really hope you have that.
Somebody Else (Somebody, Nobody Duet Book 1) Page 4