Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
Exeunt Shallow and Sir Hugh Evans
Anne Page
Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?
Slender
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.
Anne Page
The dinner attends you, sir.
Slender
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow.
Exit Simple
A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
Anne Page
I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.
Slender
I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did.
Anne Page
I pray you, sir, walk in.
Slender
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? be there bears i’ the town?
Anne Page
I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
Slender
I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?
Anne Page
Ay, indeed, sir.
Slender
That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favored rough things.
Re-enter Page
Page
Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
Slender
I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
Page
By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.
Slender
Nay, pray you, lead the way.
Page
Come on, sir.
Slender
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Anne Page
Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.
Slender
I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
Exeunt
SCENE II. THE SAME.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple
Sir Hugh Evans
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’ house which is the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.
Simple
Well, sir.
Sir Hugh Evans
Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a ’oman that altogether’s acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire and require her to solicit your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there’s pippins and cheese to come.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A ROOM IN THE GARTER INN.
Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, and Robin
Falstaff
Mine host of the Garter!
Host
What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.
Falstaff
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Host
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.
Falstaff
I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host
Thou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap: said I well, bully Hector?
Falstaff
Do so, good mine host.
Host
I have spoke; let him follow.
To Bardolph
Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.
Exit
Falstaff
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
Bardolph
It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.
Pistol
O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?
Exit Bardolph
Nym
He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?
Falstaff
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer; he kept not time.
Nym
The good humour is to steal at a minute’s rest.
Pistol
‘Convey,’ the wise it call. ‘steal!’ foh! a fico for the phrase!
Falstaff
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Pistol
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
Falstaff
There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
Pistol
Young ravens must have food.
Falstaff
Which of you know Ford of this town?
Pistol
I ken the wight: he is of substance good.
Falstaff
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
Pistol
Two yards, and more.
Falstaff
No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished rightly, is, ‘I am Sir John Falstaff’s.’
Pistol
He hath studied her will, and translated her will, out of honesty into English.
Nym
The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?
Falstaff
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse: he hath a legion of angels.
Pistol
As many devils entertain; and ‘To her, boy,’ say I.
Nym
The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
Falstaff
I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
Pistol
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Nym
I thank thee for that humour.
Falstaff
O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheater to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Pistol
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
Nym
I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.
Falstaff
[To Robin] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod away o’ the hoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,
French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
Exeunt Falstaff and
Robin
Pistol
Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
Nym
I have operations which be humours of revenge.
Pistol
Wilt thou revenge?
Nym
By welkin and her star!
Pistol
With wit or steel?
Nym
With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
Pistol
And I to Ford shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
Nym
My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour.
Pistol
Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.
Exeunt
SCENE IV. A ROOM IN DOCTOR CAIUS’ HOUSE.
Enter Mistress Quickly, Simple, and Rugby
Mistress Quickly
What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming. If he do, i’ faith, and find any body in the house, here will be an old abusing of God’s patience and the king’s English.
Rugby
I’ll go watch.
Mistress Quickly
Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
Exit Rugby
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is, that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?
Simple
Ay, for fault of a better.
Mistress Quickly
And Master Slender’s your master?
Simple
Ay, forsooth.
Mistress Quickly
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover’s paring-knife?
Simple
No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.
Mistress Quickly
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
Simple
Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener.
Mistress Quickly
How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?
Simple
Yes, indeed, does he.
Mistress Quickly
Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish —
Re-enter Rugby
Rugby
Out, alas! here comes my master.
Mistress Quickly
We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this closet: he will not stay long.
Shuts Simple in the closet
What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be not well, that he comes not home.
Singing
And down, down, adown-a, & c.
Enter Doctor Caius
Doctor Caius
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box, a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.
Mistress Quickly
Ay, forsooth; I’ll fetch it you.
Aside
I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad.
Doctor Caius
Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m’en vais a la cour — la grande affaire.
Mistress Quickly
Is it this, sir?
Doctor Caius
Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby?
Mistress Quickly
What, John Rugby! John!
Rugby
Here, sir!
Doctor Caius
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.
Rugby
’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
Doctor Caius
By my trot, I tarry too long. Od’s me! Qu’ai-j’oublie! dere is some simples in my closet, dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
Mistress Quickly
Ay me, he’ll find the young man here, and be mad!
Doctor Caius
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!
Pulling Simple out
Rugby, my rapier!
Mistress Quickly
Good master, be content.
Doctor Caius
Wherefore shall I be content-a?
Mistress Quickly
The young man is an honest man.
Doctor Caius
What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
Mistress Quickly
I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.
Doctor Caius
Vell.
Simple
Ay, forsooth; to desire her to —
Mistress Quickly
Peace, I pray you.
Doctor Caius
Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.
Simple
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master in the way of marriage.
Mistress Quickly
This is all, indeed, la! but I’ll ne’er put my finger in the fire, and need not.
Doctor Caius
Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.
Tarry you a little-a while.
Writes
Mistress Quickly
[Aside to Simple] I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I’ll do you your master what good I can: and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master,— I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do all myself,—
Simple
[Aside to Mistress Quickly] ’Tis a great charge to come under one body’s hand.
Mistress Quickly
[Aside to Simple] Are you avised o’ that? you shall find it a great charge: and to be up early and down late; but notwithstanding,— to tell you in your ear; I would have no words of it,— my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind,— that’s neither here nor there.
Doctor Caius
You jack’nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog:
Exit Simple
Mistress Quickly
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
Doctor Caius
It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself have Anne Page.
Mistress Quickly
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!
Doctor Caius
Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall t
urn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.
Exeunt Doctor Caius and Rugby
Mistress Quickly
You shall have An fool’s-head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind for that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne’s mind than I do; nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.
Fenton
[Within] Who’s within there? ho!
Mistress Quickly
Who’s there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.
Enter Fenton
Fenton
How now, good woman? how dost thou?
Mistress Quickly
The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.
Fenton
What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?
Mistress Quickly
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it.
Fenton
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?
Mistress Quickly
Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn on a book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?
Fenton
Yes, marry, have I; what of that?
Mistress Quickly
Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread: we had an hour’s talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that maid’s company! But indeed she is given too much to allicholy and musing: but for you — well, go to.
Fenton
Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there’s money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me.
Mistress Quickly
Will I? i’faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers.
Fenton
Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.
Mistress Quickly
Farewell to your worship.
Exit Fenton
Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne’s mind as well as another does. Out upon’t! what have I forgot?
Exit
ACT II
SCENE I. BEFORE PAGE’S HOUSE.
Enter Mistress Page, with a letter
Mistress Page
What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see.
[Reads] ‘Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more am I; go to then, there’s sympathy: you are merry, so am I; ha, ha! then there’s more sympathy: you love sack, and so do I; would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,— at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,— that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; ’tis not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,
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