Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight, John Falstaff’
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard picked — with the devil’s name!— out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
Enter Mistress Ford
Mistress Ford
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
Mistress Page
And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill.
Mistress Ford
Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
Mistress Page
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mistress Ford
Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!
Mistress Page
What’s the matter, woman?
Mistress Ford
O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour!
Mistress Page
Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
Mistress Ford
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,
I could be knighted.
Mistress Page
What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.
Mistress Ford
We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of men’s liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of ‘Green Sleeves.’ What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
Mistress Page
Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin-brother of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names — sure, more,— and these are of the second edition: he will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
Mistress Ford
Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?
Mistress Page
Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
Mistress Ford
‘Boarding,’ call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck.
Mistress Page
So will I if he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him: let’s appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
Mistress Ford
Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! it would give eternal food to his jealousy.
Mistress Page
Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.
Mistress Ford
You are the happier woman.
Mistress Page
Let’s consult together against this greasy knight.
Come hither.
They retire
Enter Ford with Pistol, and Page with Nym
Ford
Well, I hope it be not so.
Pistol
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
Sir John affects thy wife.
Ford
Why, sir, my wife is not young.
Pistol
He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.
Ford
Love my wife!
Pistol
With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,
Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
O, odious is the name!
Ford
What name, sir?
Pistol
The horn, I say. Farewell.
Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.
Away, Sir Corporal Nym!
Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
Exit
Ford
[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.
Nym
[To Page] And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there’s the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; ’tis true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese, and there’s the humour of it. Adieu.
Exit
Page
‘The humour of it,’ quoth a’! here’s a fellow frights English out of his wits.
Ford
I will seek out Falstaff.
Page
I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
Ford
If I do find it: well.
Page
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o’ the town commended him for a true man.
Ford
’Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
Page
How now, Meg!
Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward
Mistress Page
Whither go you, George? Hark you.
Mistress Ford
How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
Ford
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
Mistress Ford
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now, will you go, Mistress Page?
Mistress Page
Have with you. You’ll come to dinner, George.
Aside to Mistress Ford
Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
Mistress Ford
[Aside to Mistress Page] Trust me, I thought on her: she’ll fit it.
Enter Mistress Quickly
Mistress Page
You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Mistress Quickly
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
Mistress Page
Go in with us and see: we have an hour’s talk with you.
Exeunt Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Mistress Quickly
Page
How now, Master Ford!
Ford
You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
Page
Ford
Do you think there is truth in them?
Page
Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service.
Ford
Were they his men?
Page
Marry, were they.
Ford
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?
Page
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.
Ford
I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident: I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.
Page
Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes: there is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily.
Enter Host
How now, mine host!
Host
How now, bully-rook! thou’rt a gentleman.
Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
Enter Shallow
Shallow
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with us? we have sport in hand.
Host
Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
Shallow
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
Ford
Good mine host o’ the Garter, a word with you.
Drawing him aside
Host
What sayest thou, my bully-rook?
Shallow
[To Page] Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
They converse apart
Host
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaleire?
Ford
None, I protest: but I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him my name is Brook; only for a jest.
Host
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress; — said I well?— and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?
Shallow
Have with you, mine host.
Page
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.
Shallow
Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: ’tis the heart, Master Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Host
Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?
Page
Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.
Exeunt Host, Shallow, and Page
Ford
Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page’s house; and what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look further into’t: and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, ’tis labour well bestowed.
Exit
SCENE II. A ROOM IN THE GARTER INN.
Enter Falstaff and Pistol
Falstaff
I will not lend thee a penny.
Pistol
Why, then the world’s mine oyster.
Which I with sword will open.
Falstaff
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took’t upon mine honour thou hadst it not.
Pistol
Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
Falstaff
Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you!
Pistol
I do relent: what would thou more of man?
Enter Robin
Robin
Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.
Falstaff
Let her approach.
Enter Mistress Quickly
Mistress Quickly
Give your worship good morrow.
Falstaff
Good morrow, good wife.
Mistress Quickly
Not so, an’t please your worship.
Falstaff
Good maid, then.
Mistress Quickly
I’ll be sworn,
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
Falstaff
I do believe the swearer. What with me?
Mistress Quickly
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
Falstaff
Two thousand, fair woman: and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing.
Mistress Quickly
There is one Mistress Ford, sir:— I pray, come a little nearer this ways:— I myself dwell with master Doctor Caius,—
Falstaff
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,—
Mistress Quickly
Your worship says very true: I pray your worship, come a little nearer this ways.
Falstaff
I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine own people.
Mistress Quickly
Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!
Falstaff
Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?
Mistress Quickly
Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord Lord! your worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all of us, I pray!
Falstaff
Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,—
Mistress Quickly
Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you have brought her into such a canaries as ’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman’s heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
Falstaff
But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury.
Mistress Quickly
Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from
his house between ten and eleven.
Falstaff
Ten and eleven?
Mistress Quickly
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him: he’s a very jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.
Falstaff
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her.
Mistress Quickly
Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too: and let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe’er be the other: and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
Falstaff
Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my good parts aside I have no other charms.
Mistress Quickly
Blessing on your heart for’t!
Falstaff
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife and
Page’s wife acquainted each other how they love me?
Mistress Quickly
That were a jest indeed! they have not so little grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; and truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.
Falstaff
Why, I will.
Mistress Quickly
Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy never need to understand any thing; for ’tis not good that children should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
Falstaff
Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there’s my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with this woman.
Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin
Complete Plays, The Page 293