Complete Plays, The

by William Shakespeare

  This news distracts me!

  Pistol

  This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers:

  Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:

  Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!

  Exit

  Falstaff

  Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I’ll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.

  Enter Bardolph

  Bardolph

  Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.

  Falstaff

  Brook is his name?

  Bardolph

  Ay, sir.

  Falstaff

  Call him in.

  Exit Bardolph

  Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page have I encompassed you? go to; via!

  Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford disguised

  Ford

  Bless you, sir!

  Falstaff

  And you, sir! Would you speak with me?

  Ford

  I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.

  Falstaff

  You’re welcome. What’s your will? Give us leave, drawer.

  Exit Bardolph

  Ford

  Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.

  Falstaff

  Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.

  Ford

  Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the which hath something embolden’d me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.

  Falstaff

  Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

  Ford

  Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me: if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.

  Falstaff

  Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

  Ford

  I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

  Falstaff

  Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be your servant.

  Ford

  Sir, I hear you are a scholar,— I will be brief with you,— and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own; that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

  Falstaff

  Very well, sir; proceed.

  Ford

  There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband’s name is Ford.

  Falstaff

  Well, sir.

  Ford

  I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none; unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this:

  ‘Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;

  Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.’

  Falstaff

  Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?

  Ford

  Never.

  Falstaff

  Have you importuned her to such a purpose?

  Ford

  Never.

  Falstaff

  Of what quality was your love, then?

  Ford

  Like a fair house built on another man’s ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.

  Falstaff

  To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

  Ford

  When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.

  Falstaff

  O, sir!

  Ford

  Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife: use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as any.

  Falstaff

  Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.

  Ford

  O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I could come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves: I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir John?

  Falstaff

  Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.

  Ford

  O good sir!

  Falstaff

  I say you shall.

  Ford

  Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.

  Falstaff

  Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed.

  Ford

  I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?

  Falstaff

  Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not: yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer; and there’s my harvest-home.

  Ford

  I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.

  Falstaff

  Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.

  Exit

  Ford

  What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him t
hat does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils’ additions, the names of fiends: but Cuckold! Wittol!— Cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!

  Exit

  SCENE III. A FIELD NEAR WINDSOR.

  Enter Doctor Caius and Rugby

  Doctor Caius

  Jack Rugby!

  Rugby

  Sir?

  Doctor Caius

  Vat is de clock, Jack?

  Rugby

  ’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.

  Doctor Caius

  By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.

  Rugby

  He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him, if he came.

  Doctor Caius

  By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.

  Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

  Rugby

  Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

  Doctor Caius

  Villany, take your rapier.

  Rugby

  Forbear; here’s company.

  Enter Host, Shallow, Slender, and Page

  Host

  Bless thee, bully doctor!

  Shallow

  Save you, Master Doctor Caius!

  Page

  Now, good master doctor!

  Slender

  Give you good morrow, sir.

  Doctor Caius

  Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?

  Host

  To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is he dead, bully stale? is he dead?

  Doctor Caius

  By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he is not show his face.

  Host

  Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!

  Doctor Caius

  I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.

  Shallow

  He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page?

  Page

  Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.

  Shallow

  Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.

  Page

  ’Tis true, Master Shallow.

  Shallow

  It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace: you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.

  Host

  Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.

  Doctor Caius

  Mock-vater! vat is dat?

  Host

  Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

  Doctor Caius

  By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me vill cut his ears.

  Host

  He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.

  Doctor Caius

  Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?

  Host

  That is, he will make thee amends.

  Doctor Caius

  By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, by gar, me vill have it.

  Host

  And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.

  Doctor Caius

  Me tank you for dat.

  Host

  And, moreover, bully,— but first, master guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.

  Aside to them

  Page

  Sir Hugh is there, is he?

  Host

  He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

  Shallow

  We will do it.

  Page

  Shallow

  Slender

  Adieu, good master doctor.

  Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender

  Doctor Caius

  By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.

  Host

  Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw cold water on thy choler: go about the fields with me through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?

  Doctor Caius

  By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

  Host

  For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne

  Page. Said I well?

  Doctor Caius

  By gar, ’tis good; vell said.

  Host

  Let us wag, then.

  Doctor Caius

  Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.

  Exeunt

  ACT III

  SCENE I. A FIELD NEAR FROGMORE.

  Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple

  Sir Hugh Evans

  I pray you now, good master Slender’s serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?

  Simple

  Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.

  Sir Hugh Evans

  I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way.

  Simple

  I will, sir.

  Exit

  Sir Hugh Evans

  ’Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good opportunities for the ork. ’Pless my soul!

  Sings

  To shallow rivers, to whose falls

  Melodious birds sings madrigals;

  There will we make our peds of roses,

  And a thousand fragrant posies.

  To shallow —

  Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.

  Sings

  Melodious birds sing madrigals —

  When as I sat in Pabylon —

  And a thousand vagram posies.

  To shallow & c.

  Re-enter Simple

  Simple

  Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

  Sir Hugh Evans

  He’s welcome.

  Sings

  To shallow rivers, to whose falls-

  Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

  Simple

  No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.

  Sir Hugh Evans

  Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in y
our arms.

  Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender

  Shallow

  How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.

  Slender

  [Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!

  Page

  ’save you, good Sir Hugh!

  Sir Hugh Evans

  ’Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!

  Shallow

  What, the sword and the word! do you study them both, master parson?

  Page

  And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this raw rheumatic day!

  Sir Hugh Evans

  There is reasons and causes for it.

  Page

  We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.

  Sir Hugh Evans

  Fery well: what is it?

  Page

  Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.

  Shallow

  I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so wide of his own respect.

  Sir Hugh Evans

  What is he?

  Page

  I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.

  Sir Hugh Evans

  Got’s will, and his passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

  Page

  Why?

  Sir Hugh Evans

  He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen, — and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.

  Page

  I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.

  Shallow

  [Aside] O sweet Anne Page!

  Shallow

  It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder: here comes Doctor Caius.

  Enter Host, Doctor Caius, and Rugby

  Page

  Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.

  Shallow

  So do you, good master doctor.

  Host

  Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English.

  Doctor Caius

  I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.

  Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

  Sir Hugh Evans

  [Aside to Doctor Caius] Pray you, use your patience: in good time.

  Doctor Caius

  By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

  Sir Hugh Evans

  [Aside to Doctor Caius] Pray you let us not be laughing-stocks to other men’s humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.