Aloud
I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cockscomb for missing your meetings and appointments.
Doctor Caius
Diable! Jack Rugby,— mine host de Jarteer,— have I not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place I did appoint?
Sir Hugh Evans
As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the place appointed: I’ll be judgement by mine host of the Garter.
Host
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!
Doctor Caius
Ay, dat is very good; excellent.
Host
Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.
Shallow
Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.
Slender
[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
Exeunt Shallow, Slender, Page, and Host
Doctor Caius
Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?
Sir Hugh Evans
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
Doctor Caius
By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
Sir Hugh Evans
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.
Exeunt
SCENE II. A STREET.
Enter Mistress Page and Robin
Mistress Page
Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?
Robin
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf.
Mistress Page
O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you’ll be a courtier.
Enter Ford
Ford
Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?
Mistress Page
Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?
Ford
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry.
Mistress Page
Be sure of that,— two other husbands.
Ford
Where had you this pretty weather-cock?
Mistress Page
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of. What do you call your knight’s name, sirrah?
Robin
Sir John Falstaff.
Ford
Sir John Falstaff!
Mistress Page
He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at home indeed?
Ford
Indeed she is.
Mistress Page
By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.
Exeunt Mistress Page and Robin
Ford
Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife’s inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And Falstaff’s boy with her! Good plots, they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.
Clock heard
The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there: I will go.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh Evans, Doctor Caius, and Rugby
Shallow, Page, amp;c
Well met, Master Ford.
Ford
Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home; and I pray you all go with me.
Shallow
I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
Slender
And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I’ll speak of.
Shallow
We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.
Slender
I hope I have your good will, father Page.
Page
You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you: but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.
Doctor Caius
Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a
Quickly tell me so mush.
Host
What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will carry’t, he will carry’t; ’tis in his buttons; he will carry’t.
Page
Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he kept company with the wild prince and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way.
Ford
I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor, you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.
Shallow
Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooing at Master Page’s.
Exeunt Shallow, and Slender
Doctor Caius
Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
Exit Rugby
Host
Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
Exit
Ford
[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine first with him; I’ll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?
All
Have with you to see this monster.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A ROOM IN FORD’S HOUSE.
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
Mistress Ford
What, John! What, Robert!
Mistress Page
Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket —
Mistress Ford
I warrant. What, Robin, I say!
Enter Servants with a basket
Mistress Page
Come, come, come.
Mistress Ford
Here, set it down.
Mistress Page
Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
Mistress Ford
Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
Mistress Page
You will do it?
Mistress Ford
I ha’ told them over and over; they lack no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
Exeunt Servants
Here comes little Robin.
Enter Robin
Mistress Ford
How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?
Robin
My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,
Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
Mistress Page
You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?
Robin
Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he swears he’ll turn me away.
Mistress Page
Thou’rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I’ll go hide me.
Mistress Ford
Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.
Exit Robin
Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
Mistress Page
I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
Exit
Mistress Ford
Go to, then: we’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.
Enter Falstaff
Falstaff
Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
Mistress Ford
O sweet Sir John!
Falstaff
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead: I’ll speak it before the best lord; I would make thee my lady.
Mistress Ford
I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!
Falstaff
Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.
Mistress Ford
A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither.
Falstaff
By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.
Mistress Ford
Believe me, there is no such thing in me.
Falstaff
What made me love thee? let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like women in men’s apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it.
Mistress Ford
Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.
Falstaff
Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.
Mistress Ford
Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it.
Falstaff
Keep in that mind; I’ll deserve it.
Mistress Ford
Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind.
Robin
[Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
Falstaff
She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.
Mistress Ford
Pray you, do so: she’s a very tattling woman.
Falstaff hides himself
Re-enter Mistress Page and Robin
What’s the matter? how now!
Mistress Page
O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone for ever!
Mistress Ford
What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?
Mistress Page
O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!
Mistress Ford
What cause of suspicion?
Mistress Page
What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I mistook in you!
Mistress Ford
Why, alas, what’s the matter?
Mistress Page
Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.
Mistress Ford
’Tis not so, I hope.
Mistress Page
Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here! but ’tis most certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.
Mistress Ford
What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house.
Mistress Page
For shame! never stand ‘you had rather’ and ‘you had rather:’ your husband’s here at hand, bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or — it is whiting-time — send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.
Mistress Ford
He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?
Falstaff
[Coming forward] Let me see’t, let me see’t, O, let me see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’s counsel. I’ll in.
Mistress Page
What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?
Falstaff
I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.
I’ll never —
Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen
Mistress Page
Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,
Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!
Mistress Ford
What, John! Robert! John!
Exit Robin
Re-enter Servants
Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where’s the cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.
Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans
Ford
Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?
Servant
To the laundress, forsooth.
Mistress Ford
Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford
Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear.
Exeunt Servants with the basket
Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out: I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.
Locking the door
So, now uncape.
Page
Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.
Ford
True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
Exit
Sir Hugh Evans
This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
Doctor Caius
By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not
jealous in France.
Page
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
Exeunt Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans
Mistress Page
Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mistress Ford
I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
Mistress Page
What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket!
Mistress Ford
I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
Mistress Page
Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress.
Mistress Ford
I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff’s being here; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.
Mistress Page
I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine.
Mistress Ford
Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?
Mistress Page
We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow, eight o’clock, to have amends.
Re-enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans
Ford
I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass.
Mistress Page
[Aside to Mistress Ford] Heard you that?
Mistress Ford
You use me well, Master Ford, do you?
Ford
Ay, I do so.
Mistress Ford
Heaven make you better than your thoughts!
Ford
Amen!
Mistress Page
You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
Ford
Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Sir Hugh Evans
If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
Doctor Caius
By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.
Page
Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle.
Ford
’Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.
Sir Hugh Evans
You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a ’omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.
Complete Plays, The Page 295