This news distracts me!
Pistol
This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers:
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:
Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
Exit
Falstaff
Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I’ll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.
Enter Bardolph
Bardolph
Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.
Falstaff
Brook is his name?
Bardolph
Ay, sir.
Falstaff
Call him in.
Exit Bardolph
Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page have I encompassed you? go to; via!
Re-enter Bardolph, with Ford disguised
Ford
Bless you, sir!
Falstaff
And you, sir! Would you speak with me?
Ford
I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.
Falstaff
You’re welcome. What’s your will? Give us leave, drawer.
Exit Bardolph
Ford
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.
Falstaff
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
Ford
Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the which hath something embolden’d me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
Falstaff
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me: if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Falstaff
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
Ford
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
Falstaff
Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be your servant.
Ford
Sir, I hear you are a scholar,— I will be brief with you,— and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own; that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
Falstaff
Very well, sir; proceed.
Ford
There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband’s name is Ford.
Falstaff
Well, sir.
Ford
I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none; unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
‘Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.’
Falstaff
Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
Ford
Never.
Falstaff
Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
Ford
Never.
Falstaff
Of what quality was your love, then?
Ford
Like a fair house built on another man’s ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.
Falstaff
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
Ford
When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
Falstaff
O, sir!
Ford
Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife: use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as any.
Falstaff
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Ford
O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I could come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves: I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir John?
Falstaff
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.
Ford
O good sir!
Falstaff
I say you shall.
Ford
Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
Falstaff
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed.
Ford
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?
Falstaff
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not: yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer; and there’s my harvest-home.
Ford
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.
Falstaff
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
Exit
Ford
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him t
hat does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils’ additions, the names of fiends: but Cuckold! Wittol!— Cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
Exit
SCENE III. A FIELD NEAR WINDSOR.
Enter Doctor Caius and Rugby
Doctor Caius
Jack Rugby!
Rugby
Sir?
Doctor Caius
Vat is de clock, Jack?
Rugby
’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.
Doctor Caius
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
Rugby
He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him, if he came.
Doctor Caius
By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.
Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
Rugby
Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
Doctor Caius
Villany, take your rapier.
Rugby
Forbear; here’s company.
Enter Host, Shallow, Slender, and Page
Host
Bless thee, bully doctor!
Shallow
Save you, Master Doctor Caius!
Page
Now, good master doctor!
Slender
Give you good morrow, sir.
Doctor Caius
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
Host
To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is he dead, bully stale? is he dead?
Doctor Caius
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he is not show his face.
Host
Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!
Doctor Caius
I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
Shallow
He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page?
Page
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.
Shallow
Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.
Page
’Tis true, Master Shallow.
Shallow
It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace: you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.
Host
Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.
Doctor Caius
Mock-vater! vat is dat?
Host
Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
Doctor Caius
By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me vill cut his ears.
Host
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
Doctor Caius
Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?
Host
That is, he will make thee amends.
Doctor Caius
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, by gar, me vill have it.
Host
And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.
Doctor Caius
Me tank you for dat.
Host
And, moreover, bully,— but first, master guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.
Aside to them
Page
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host
He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
Shallow
We will do it.
Page
Shallow
Slender
Adieu, good master doctor.
Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender
Doctor Caius
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
Host
Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw cold water on thy choler: go about the fields with me through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?
Doctor Caius
By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
Host
For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne
Page. Said I well?
Doctor Caius
By gar, ’tis good; vell said.
Host
Let us wag, then.
Doctor Caius
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
Exeunt
ACT III
SCENE I. A FIELD NEAR FROGMORE.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple
Sir Hugh Evans
I pray you now, good master Slender’s serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?
Simple
Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
Sir Hugh Evans
I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way.
Simple
I will, sir.
Exit
Sir Hugh Evans
’Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good opportunities for the ork. ’Pless my soul!
Sings
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow —
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
Sings
Melodious birds sing madrigals —
When as I sat in Pabylon —
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow & c.
Re-enter Simple
Simple
Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.
Sir Hugh Evans
He’s welcome.
Sings
To shallow rivers, to whose falls-
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
Simple
No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.
Sir Hugh Evans
Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in y
our arms.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender
Shallow
How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.
Slender
[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!
Page
’save you, good Sir Hugh!
Sir Hugh Evans
’Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
Shallow
What, the sword and the word! do you study them both, master parson?
Page
And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this raw rheumatic day!
Sir Hugh Evans
There is reasons and causes for it.
Page
We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.
Sir Hugh Evans
Fery well: what is it?
Page
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.
Shallow
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so wide of his own respect.
Sir Hugh Evans
What is he?
Page
I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.
Sir Hugh Evans
Got’s will, and his passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
Page
Why?
Sir Hugh Evans
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen, — and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.
Page
I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.
Shallow
[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
Shallow
It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder: here comes Doctor Caius.
Enter Host, Doctor Caius, and Rugby
Page
Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.
Shallow
So do you, good master doctor.
Host
Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English.
Doctor Caius
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
Sir Hugh Evans
[Aside to Doctor Caius] Pray you, use your patience: in good time.
Doctor Caius
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
Sir Hugh Evans
[Aside to Doctor Caius] Pray you let us not be laughing-stocks to other men’s humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
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