by A. S. Kelly
sighing. I hope she doesn’t want to talk because
I’m really not able to talk right now.
Sure, I can go with her, help her look for her
stuff and bring it back here in the least amount of
time possible, just as long as she understands I’m
not the person she can vent her feelings with, or
someone she can open up to, because that’s not the
case. I already made a mistake last week, letting
her cry on my shoulder, or in fact, in my arms,
because I held her tight—I wanted to. I think that’s
enough for one lifetime.
I turn on the engine and take off in a hurry; Erin
puts her seatbelt on and gives me a furtive glance,
which I do not return.
As I get further from the city, I head toward
Dublin. I know the area where he lives but don’t
know the exact address, so I’m forced to open my
mouth.
“Address?” I ask without looking at her and use
just the necessary words and no more.
“Whitehall, do you know it? Where the school
is?”
I nod.
“The apartment is near there, I’ll tell you when
we get closer.”
I nod again, keeping my eyes on the road, intent
on keeping my lip zipped until we get back to the
pub.
I should have stayed out of this, I know, but I
already understood what was going on. It’s
certainly obvious that it’s better to have one person
missing from work rather than two, but if I were to
tell the truth, I don’t like that asshole at all and I’d
like to see him out of Erin’s life as soon as
possible, without any bloodshed.
Erin has been working at Only4you for a good
while by now, and she’s like one of the family.
And then, let’s be honest, that guy Nate is an
asshole, spoilt and pompous, someone who
probably set foot in the pub maybe three times in
the last six months, evidently not wanting to mix
with the clientele or maybe he’s just afraid of
getting his ass kicked, which is what he deserves.
Erin clears her throat.
Shit. Is she about to say something?
“Uh … thanks.”
I take a deep breath. “No problem.”
“For the other night too.”
“You don’t need to. Don’t thank me.”
Erin bites her lower lip, and I can see from out
of the corner of my eye that she’s about to cry
again.
“I hope to be quick about this,” she says quietly.
“We’ll go in and be out in two minutes. When
the tooth is gone, so is the pain.”
Too many words, Patrick. Control yourself.
Erin looks at me sadly, even though she is
smiling. I shouldn’t get into this emotional stuff, I
really don’t want to. I know this is not my
territory.
“It really ended that badly?” I find myself
saying, without knowing why.
She doesn’t answer, just looks out the passenger
side window and we continue in silence until she’s
forced to speak to me in order to give directions.
We get out of the car and start walking towards
the door of the main building in which there are a
maximum of two apartments. Erin uses the key to
open it and we go up a ramp of stairs that brings us
to a door to the upstairs apartment. She takes a
deep breath and slowly opens it, making a sign that
I should go in. As soon as we close the door, that
asshole makes his triumphant appearance.
“I should have known you would have brought
that gorilla,” Nate says.
Gorilla? What’s his beef with me? Is this the
date he wants written on his tombstone?
“I don’t have a car, Nate. You know that.”
“You could have taken a taxi.”
“You could mind your own fucking business
and tell us where her things are,” I say without
bothering to censor my words.
“They’re bunched up over there,” he says,
indicating behind him. “I went to the trouble of
putting it all away so you don’t have any more
stress.”
He speaks almost sarcastically. I can see that he
didn’t pack her things in order to be nice, for some
reason he just wants to humiliate her. I’d really
like to know what Erin could have done to deserve
such behavior.
I shake my head and pass him, not bothering to
avoid brushing against him. He doesn’t move, just
adjusts his jacket and faces her again, this time
seeming a bit calmer and softer in his approach.
“Where will you go?”
I hear Erin reply in a whisper as I lift up two
boxes:
“You know full well that I have no place to go.”
She leaves the phrase dangling.
Erin comes closer to me and takes one of the
boxes.
“What are you going to do now?” the asshole
asks her. What a gentleman!
“That’s none of your business,” Erin answers,
going toward the door.
“I’d like to help. Maybe I could ask around if
they’ve got a room on campus.”
“I don’t need your help, you’ve already done
enough. You left me in the middle of the street,
Nate!”
I’m waiting there, laden with boxes and I can
feel the anger spreading from my toes to my head.
“I didn’t want it to end like this,” Nate carries
on. “I love you, Erin, and I did love you very
much, it’s just that with her…” the asshole
concludes, trying to be nice. “Let me help you. It’s
the least I can do.”
Erin shakes her head and opens the door. None
of the three of us says anything until we’re
standing in front of the car. Erin hands the keys to
the apartment to Nate.
“If you should come across anything that’s
mine, please let me know.”
“Erin, please—”
She blocks him by holding up her open hand in
front of his mouth.
Nate lowers his head and looks at his feet. Erin
looks around, clearly uncomfortable and I
understand that I have to leave them alone for a
minute so they can say goodbye.
I get in the car, turn on the engine and look in
the wing mirror. Nate opens his arms, but Erin
shakes her head and gets in the car, holding her
hands over her eyes.
Fuck.
“Go, Patrick,” she tells me through her
hiccupping. I do as she tells me without asking
questions and without adding anything.
I park a few meters from the bar along the
street. Erin hasn’t opened her mouth and I’ve
followed her lead. I turn off the engine and rest my
head on the steering wheel next to my hands.
“And so … another woman?” I venture.
“Please, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Erin.” I slowly lift up my head and look at her.
She’s scared and looks as if she’s about to have
another brea
kdown.
“I just need some time, okay? I have to
understand what to do.”
I nod and open the car door.
“Well, let’s bring this stuff upstairs.”
4
Erin
“Thanks, Patrick. Leave it there, I’ll take care of it
later.”
I set the last box down near the door and sit
down on the couch.
Rain practically assaulted me with questions as
soon as we got back, but I asked her to leave me
alone for a while and she respected my request,
telling me to call her if I wanted anything.
“If you tell me where they go, I can bring
them,” Patrick says to me.
“You’ve done enough.”
He huffs and cleans his hands on his jeans
before going to the kitchen and putting the kettle
on.
I turn abruptly. “What are you doing?”
“Making tea.”
“Patrick—”
“The other morning I was a mess and you made
me a cup of coffee and you let me work out my
bad mood because you knew that’s what I needed.
Now you’re the one who needs something. You
need a cup of tea, to help you to relax and to calm
you down. I’d like to return the favor.”
I look at him, frowning, while he moves
through the kitchen. He brings me a hot cup of tea
with three chocolate cookies bought yesterday at
Tesco. I look at the cup and then at the cookies
while I feel a wave of nausea pushing itself
upwards. I cover my mouth with my hands and run
to the bathroom where I arrive just in time to get
on my knees. I puke out everything, including my
soul, while my retching mixes with my sobbing.
Patrick slowly approaches with a towel; he gets
it wet under the tap and gets down on his knees
beside me, wetting my forehead. The relief is
instantaneous. I close my eyes and fall backwards,
sitting on the floor and resting against his chest.
“Does that asshole know?” he asks me directly.
“What? How did you—”
“I’m the first of six kids, Erin. I learned how to
tell the signs really quickly.”
“You’ve worked all that out from a bit of
nausea?” I ask with a shrill voice.
“No, I’ve picked up on your secret by seeing the
terror in your eyes.”
I turn slowly to look at him while my eyes fill
with tears. I shake my head and I cover my face
with my hands so I don’t have to see his
expression, which would tell me that he thinks I
am stupid and foolish.
Patrick lets the towel drop to the ground. Then
he grabs my shoulders and he lets me rest against
his shoulders. I let my head fall back and permit
him to console me, in silence, and to hear me cry.
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
I dry my eyes and break away from him. I slide
to the side and rest my back on the wall, hugging
my legs.
“Because he has another woman, Patrick. He
fell in love with an American researcher who just
got here two months ago. There’s nothing I can
do.”
“What a fucker.”
“I just did the test. For the third time to be
exact. I was waiting for him at home to tell him. I
knew it would have been a shock for him just like
it was for me. We weren’t going through the best
period and now maybe I understand why, but I
thought maybe this would bring us closer … I
know, that was stupid. You can’t fix things like
that, but what could I do? By now, it’s done. But
when this thing came out … I didn’t feel like I
could tell him. What would be the point? He’s in
love with someone else, Patrick. Another woman
is already sleeping in our bed…” I burst out crying
again.
“Have … have you thought about what to do?”
I freeze up and look him right in the eye. Of
course I’ve thought about it.
“There are some alternatives,” he says
cautiously.
Alternatives. There’s only one alternative and I
don’t believe I’m able to make a decision like that.
“A lot of girls in your situation go to England.
It’s allowed there, you know.”
I sigh.
“I think you still have some time to decide.”
I nod, trying to stand. Patrick gets up before I
do and holds out his hand to help me. I accept his
hand and pull myself up, and then I wash my face
and brush my teeth before going back into the
living room, where he has just gone.
I find him sitting on the couch with the same
cup as before in his hands.
“It’s still hot,” he says, touching the bottom of
the cup. “It’ll do you good. You’ll see—the worst
has passed.”
I sit on the couch where he makes space for me.
I rest my back on the armrest and stretch out my
legs until they’re touching his. He goes rigid right
away and sits up straight, playing nervously with
that metal thing in his tongue.
Brrr.
“You want me to go call Rain?”
“No, please don’t. She’d worry too much and
start crying.”
“You want to be alone?”
Alone? I’m terrified of being alone but what am
I supposed to do? Ask him to stay? Just him?
I don’t answer, lost in my thoughts. Patrick
must have understood because he finally takes off
his jacket and hangs it on the armchair next to us,
then he settles in and grabs my ankles and so my
feet rest on his legs.
I get red and try to take them away but he keeps
them in place with a hand. He doesn’t say anything
and I don’t ask.
Sometimes words are really overrated.
Patrick
What am I doing in this apartment? What the heck
am I doing here with her?
Oh, go on, what else could I have done?
Abandoned her? Made her feel more alone than
she already does?
She is completely terrified. She has no one.
Her father is away and her house is being rented
out. She studies and has a part-time job with us
and she’s practically out on the street because of
that asshole who didn’t know how to keep his dick
in his pants. God, If I find him on the streets I
think I’ll kill him with my own hands. Oh, it’s
true, he doesn’t know that Erin is … I can’t even
say it. Erin’s pregnant. By that asshole. And he’s
got another woman.
What a fucking mess.
Maybe she should have told him, but what
would have happened? Would he have stayed with
her because he ‘had to’? What kind of life would
that be? It’s already mighty hard raising children
when a couple love each other, can you imagine
what it must be like when the man is in love with
someone else? Nah. It would be a certified
disaster. An unhappy life sentence. Even if I think
he should take on his responsibility like a man, it
takes two to tango.
I take off Erin’s boots for her and I massage her
ankles. I don’t know why I’m doing it, I don’t
think she needs it, I guess maybe it’s just so as not
to be the asshole I usually am. Then I sigh and out
come the words:
“You’ll stay here.”
I didn’t have to think about it at all.
Erin looks at me without speaking.
“You don’t think Rain is going to let you go
anywhere, do you?” I tell her.
No one would let her go anywhere.
I couldn’t ever let her go anywhere.
“I can’t afford to…”
“Don’t say anything else. We don’t need rent for
this apartment. If we did, why would it still be
empty?”
“I can’t accept that, Patrick. Besides, you
haven’t spoken about it with the others.”
The others? No one would ever object to
offering a place to stay for a lady in trouble,
especially the guys.
“I’ll tell them tonight, but I already know
there’s no need. As soon as they know about—”
“No,” she interrupts me. “Please, don’t tell
anyone.”
“You can’t keep it hidden forever.”
“Wait just until I’ve made a decision, please. It’s
already so embarrassing that you know about it.”
“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ve got
lots of embarrassing things on my resume.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sure you have,” she says, her
mouth folding up into a smile.
I smile back at her and shake my head.
Does everybody know about me?
Erin scoots down more on the couch until her
head is resting on the armrest. She yawns and has
droopy eyes as if she is about to close them and
fall asleep.
“Tell me about your latest conquest,” she says,
turning on her side.
“I don’t think you want to hear about it.”
“I do, please. It’ll keep my mind busy.”
Well all right, if she really wants to know.
I start to tell her about the girl with the alluring
eyes and how I provoked her by biting on the ring
on my lip, giving her undeniable signals. I talk to
her about my technique and how I assure myself in
advance that’s all they want from me. She laughs,
shakes her head and makes fun of me. I laugh too,
even though I’m the butt of the joke. I start to
breathe slower because I realize that Erin is
relaxing and I am too.
I can’t imagine what she must feel and in
reality, I shouldn’t even think about it. I stay away