by A. S. Kelly
from these things, from defenseless girls in need of
help, comfort and support. But this one just landed
right in my lap without my permission and even
though I tried to push her away, I cannot ignore
that Erin needs help right now, that she needs
people close to her. She’s like family after all;
she’s been with us for a year. Rain loves her.
Everyone in the bar likes her, and now she’s alone.
We can’t abandon her.
I can’t abandon her.
Slowly, she drifts off to sleep, cradled by my
words. I get up carefully as to not wake her and
then crouch down to pick her up to take her to the
bedroom, where she will be more comfortable.
I draw her to me to balance the weight and her
heat mixes with mine. A shiver runs down my back
and my arms start to shake, and not because of the
weight.
I’m too close.
Dangerously close.
Close to throwing away everything I’ve been
feeding myself for thirty years. Everything I’ve
always believed. Everything I’ve always fought
for. I’m so close that I feel her weight directly on
my chest as if she were sucking away my breath.
I hold her to my chest and her head falls onto
my shoulder. Instinctively I give her a kiss on the
forehead and take in her perfume that fills my
nostrils, assaults my senses, until abandoning me
in a place I’ve never been, I’ve never been a part
of, and to which I never thought I would belong.
I set her down softly on the bed and cover her
with the blanket. I observe her for a few minutes
and it seems like I’m holding my breath and I can
hear my own heartbeat.
Then I turn and walk away quickly, to avoid the
knowledge that the thing I’ve been running from
my whole life grabs me and throws me against the
wall. That it drags me towards the unknown and
into something terrible that could only hurt me.
And hurt her.
5
Erin
“So, how’d it go yesterday?” Rain asks me.
“I got my stuff and came back here.”
“Was Patrick helpful to you?”
“Uhm-mmm,” I murmur, hiding behind a cup of
tea.
“Have you thought about what to do?”
Of course I’ve thought about it. That’s all I do
all day long is think about it.
I’m still studying, I’ve got to graduate and apply
for my PhD. Follow in my father’s footsteps. I had
a lot of plans and now everything’s coming
undone.
“I don’t know what to do, Rain,” I confess,
setting down the cup of tea on the table and curling
up on the couch. “I didn’t have this in mind for
myself.”
“I know, dear, but it’s happened, you can’t
pretend that it didn’t or avoid the unavoidable. You
have to make a decision, and quickly.”
“I don’t think I’m able to.” I sigh and the words
that come out of my mouth weigh like a boulder
on my heart. “Yeah, you know, I’m just twenty-
two years old and I’m completely alone.”
“You’re not alone, and you know it. I’m here …
we’re here.” And she gently squeezes my arm.
“You know what I mean.”
“I’d never be able to renounce it … it’ll never
happen to me,” she says, closing her eyes and
breathing deeply.
“What do you mean?” I ask, leaning up and
towards her.
“The accident,” she replies with a sigh.
I blink and I can just feel myself die at her
words. I had no idea how she felt, and here I am
complaining about my condition to her.
“I’m sorry, Rain, that was insensitive.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
“Does Liam … know about it?”
“Yes.” She smiles just slightly. “He knows
everything and he’s been fabulous. I love him even
more for that. I don’t want to confuse you or
convince you to do something you’re not ready
for, but I’d like for you to understand that
sometimes things happen and there’s nothing we
can do but take it for what it is. Accept it and find
a solution. You’re lucky, Erin. You’ve had this gift
even if now it doesn’t seem that way to you, for
one day, believe me, it will be. And if you should
decide to give it up now, you could regret it for the
rest of your life.”
“Oh Rain.” I hug her tightly. “I’m so sorry,” I
add, close to tears.
“Everything’s fine, I’m good. I have Liam and
the guys and you. We’re a big family, and you’re
part of it. You’ll never be alone while you’re here
with us.”
Her words reassure me. They are the only
people I’ve got now, and even if I could call my
father, have him run out here or for me to go to
him, I know it wouldn’t be the right thing to do.
It’s time for me to grow up, to be an adult, to make
my decisions and take responsibility.
I’m pregnant. I’m going to have a baby. Without
a father.
I pull away from her and take a deep breath.
“We have to go downstairs.” I get up from the
couch and look for my shoes. “I have to work as
long as I’m able to.”
“Just don’t exaggerate, okay? You’re in a very
special condition.”
“I don’t think that working in a pub can harm
the baby.”
Rain smiles. “That’s the first time you’ve said it
out loud, you know?”
“What?”
“Baby.”
I smile too before shaking my head, slipping my
shoes on and heading out the door.
“Come on, we got work waiting.”
~ ~ ~
We prepare everything for the evening. I clean the
tables, adjust the seating, and shine the glasses.
The work is a nice distraction and helps me to
forget about what I’ve got to do in the next few
months and years. Worrying about what’s going to
happen makes me nervous and the bile goes
straight to my throat. The retching starts right on
time, forcing me to run to the bathroom in back
where Aaron and Jay are loading the fridge.
I close the door behind me and kneel down and
allow my stomach to empty what little it contains.
We’re just at the beginning of my pregnancy and I
have no idea how all this is going to go.
I rinse my mouth out and splash my face with
cool water before looking at myself in the mirror:
not my best look. I’m starting to wonder if I’m
going to make it through this evening.
Then I open the door and find myself in front of
two guys with their arms crossed across their
chests.
I swallow with great difficulty and hope they
haven’t understood anything, that they don’t tell
me to go away and not come back to work because
I might puke on
the customers.
“Everything okay?” Aaron asks.
I nod and lower my glance and start fidgeting
with my hands.
“Maybe you shouldn’t work tonight.”
‘I’m fine,” I say, side-stepping past them.
“I don’t think so,” Jay interrupts. “Your face
doesn’t lie.”
“Okay,” I concede. “Maybe I’m not at my best
and a little rest would be good for me.”
“Well then go, I’ve got you covered,” Jay
concludes, resting a hand on my shoulder.
“But today is your day off,” I protest.
“I seriously have nothing to do.” He smiles,
squeezing my shoulder. “Go on, I’ll stay here.”
“Maybe just a half an hour,” I add.
“Erin, you go lay down and don’t think about
it,” Aaron concludes in an affectionate tone.
I smile and thank them with my eyes while I
back away towards my apartment. I go up the
stairs and flop down on the couch, close my eyes
and abandon myself to the desperation and solitude
I feel right now.
I’m never going to make it, I tell myself, before
falling into an anxious sleep.
Patrick
“Okay, guys, quick meeting before we open.”
Jay calls everyone’s attention before opening
the doors for the evening.
“What are you doing here? Wasn’t it your day
off?” I call from the counter.
“It was, but Erin said she wasn’t feeling well so
I sent her upstairs. I’m taking her place.”
“She’s not well? What wrong with her?”
“She didn’t go into details, Patrick, but if
someone says they aren’t feeling well, I believe
them. It’s not my business, right?”
“You could have asked.”
“If you’re so interested, why don’t you call her
and ask her yourself?”
Without answering him I get up and leave the
bar area, going straight for the back where the door
is that heads up to the apartment. I don’t know
why I’m doing it; or then again maybe
unfortunately I know exactly why I’m doing it.
But even though I don’t want to get mixed up in all
this, I can’t help worrying about her. She’s alone
and afraid, she’s not well and I know why.
I knock on the apartment door but there’s no
answer. I can’t hear anything inside and I’m
starting to worry. Getting nervous, I push the door
open, finding that she hasn’t locked it. I walk into
the living room where I see her asleep on the
couch.
And I let out a sigh of relief and approach her
slowly. She’s resting and seems calm, so I decide
not to wake her and just take a moment to watch
her without being seen.
Not that I’ve never done this before. I’ve looked
at her a few times over the past months, but Erin
works for us and up until a few days ago she was
in a relationship, so getting involved with her is
not something I’d want to get into.
And yet, now I can’t help smiling at hearing her
light snoring, the color in her cheeks and the
lovely blessed expression she has on her face right
at this moment.
I turn suddenly to avoid these thoughts that are
wearing me down, dominating me. I guess I’d
better get out of here and get back to work and
stop thinking about things I shouldn’t be
contemplating.
“Hey!”
She blocks me at the door, calling out with her
sleepy voice. “How long have you been here?” she
asks, pulling herself up to a sitting position.
I turn again and swallow these new and
terrifying feelings.
“I just came up to see how you were. Jay said
you weren’t feeling well.”
“I was just tired. Seems like I never sleep
enough.”
I smile because I’ve seen this many times in the
past and I know that pregnancy brings along
difficulties and a sense of tiredness, especially at
the beginning.
“I’m feeling better now. Maybe I could go back
down—”
“Stay there,” I interrupt her. “Don’t you dare go
back to work.”
What the hell am I saying? Where are these
alpha male overprotective words coming from?
“I’m not sick, Patrick, you don’t have to worry
about me,” she says resentfully.
“I don’t want one of my employees to work
when they aren’t in a condition to do so.”
Asshole.
And liar.
“Sure, but that’s the only reason, right?”
Absolutely not.
“Yes,” I say instead.
“Okay, well, I need to work, in case you haven’t
understood. I’m alone and I need to keep this job.”
“What about your dad? Have you called him?”
“Not yet,” she says, blushing and falling back
onto the couch, covering her eyes with her hands.
“I don’t want to do it until I’ve made a decision.”
I shake my head to show my disapproval but
say nothing. I think that she should call him, for
she needs her family right now.
“You wanna get a breath of fresh air?” I ask her,
slipping my hands into my jeans pockets and
looking at my feet. I think she needs to relax and
probably get some air outside of these four walls.
“With you?”
I give her a half smile. “I’d like to take you
somewhere.”
~ ~ ~
We sit down on a rock, each of us holding on to
something because it’s one of those windy-as-hell
days and here, on the hills of Howth, the weather
seems to be getting worse.
I’ve brought her to my special spot, the place
where I come when I need to be alone, and to think
and just get some clarity. I’ve never shared it with
anyone and don’t really understand why I feel the
need to do it now with her, but it seemed like she
needed it.
“It’s nice,” she thanks me. “Did you know I’ve
never been here?”
“It’s a good thinking spot. I come here when I
need to.”
“And let’s see here … what do you need to
think about? Which idiot to sleep with?”
She freezes as soon as I turn to look at her.
“Uhm, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
Erin is contrite. “It’s certainly not my business and
you’ve been so good to me and now I’m attacking
you.”
“It’s the hormones,” I tell her, smiling.
She doesn’t reply, she just turns to look at the
horizon and gets lost in her thoughts.
I don’t want to bother her, so I limit myself to
taking in the panoramic view too. It’s a natural
stretch of land whose tip disappears into the sea
and where on clear days you can see the lighthouse
in the distance and also the Ireland Eye. It’s
undoubtedly a breathtaking view, especially at
sunset, but I can
’t help taking in her perfect profile
out of the corner of my eye: her upturned nose, her
windblown hair. It seems like an image a painter
would create in order to transform something that
was already perfect into something sublime.
What the devil am I doing? I don’t need this,
and I sure don’t need her.
“I don’t know what to do,” she confides in me
suddenly without moving her glance away from
the view. “I’d really like to think I could do it, but
I’m not able to, Patrick. What do I know about
babies? What do I know about sacrifice, work and
bills? What do I know about life? I’ve always lived
by relying on my father and then I moved in with
Nate and I depended on him. I don’t know what to
do on my own; I don’t even know how to take care
of myself. I’m still like a little girl,” she concludes,
as tears start streaking her silent face. “And if I
even start to think about another solution … you
see? I can’t even say the words.”
I take my hand out from my pocket and bring it
to her face. I tuck back a tress of her wild hair
behind an ear just in time to see the last tear glue
itself to her cheek.
I brush it away and she sighs just slightly.
“I think you’ve already made your choice.”
6
Erin
I am definitely better today and it’s strange
because it’s also my first visit to the gynecologist.
Rain is going with me. I didn’t ask her to, she
volunteered.
I’m sitting at the counter drinking a cup of tea
and waiting for Rain to arrive. The pub is closed
and I’ve got enough time to get back here before
work starts.
Patrick arrives and slams the door open. He’s
wearing his can’t do without sunglasses, as if there
was ever any sun around here; he has on his
indispensable leather jacket and a pair of jeans
from another lifetime. He takes off his glasses as
soon as he sees me and my stomach does a couple
of somersaults to remind me it’s time to empty it.
Or maybe that’s not it at all.
His eyes are as dark as night and they pierce me
for a few seconds, and I forget for a moment that
I’m pregnant, that I’m alone and, especially, who
he is. I can’t get worked up about certain things.
It’s the hormones, that’s it.
It isn’t him.
Absolutely not.
“Hey,” he greets me with a nod of the head.
“Hi,” I respond a bit timidly.