The Girl in My Dreams

by Logan Byrne

  My mom and Kelly’s mom, Janet, talked a little bit as I nervously stood next to Kelly and didn’t know what else to say. Martin texted me that he was about to leave, and I told my mom that we needed to start on the pictures so that we could get there on time, even though I knew we’d likely be a little early. Anything to get this going.

  They had us do the typical awkward poses, which became strange when I had to put my arms around Kelly and stand behind her. I couldn’t say I didn’t enjoy it, because I did, but it felt strange to be this close to another girl. Before Belle I hadn’t really been close to anybody, and Kelly was obviously the first girl I was close to after her passing. I had mixed emotions, even though I knew I’d cut the ties to Belle, at least so I thought, and I knew that my brain and heart were battling for control.

  My brain told me to enjoy it, and to know that Kelly was into me and that I felt something when we were close to each other. My heart, while liking Kelly, told me not to let go of Belle, even though my brain was screaming at my heart and saying that she was already gone. I wanted to just yell out for an answer, but not at the risk of looking like a crazy man. Instead, I kept it to myself. For now, I’d just enjoy my night with Kelly and figure my life out in the morning.

  Martin and Kara pulled up just as we were done taking pictures, and we said good-bye to our moms before getting into the backseat and pulling out of the driveway.

  The parking lot of the venue was packed as both parents and other students who drove themselves were clogging up the area. Martin seemed visibly annoyed, but Kara calmed him down a little, which was strange to witness. Maybe they’d worked out some of those problems he was afraid of. Or maybe he was so afraid of her that he stopped right away. Either way, it was welcome.

  When we parked, I walked to the side of the car and opened the door for Kelly. “Thank you,” she said.

  She wrapped her arm around mine as we walked to the front door and handed our tickets to the attendant. The music was already pumping and I could feel the humidity throughout the building. Food was sitting out, drinks were being served, and a bunch of nicely dressed individuals were on the dance floor like nobody was watching. This was definitely a little different than the formal, and in a good way.

  “Do you want to dance?” Kelly yelled to me over the music.

  “Sure,” I yelled back.

  She took my hand and guided me to the middle of the dance floor. I swayed back and forth, my arms at my sides, as I awkwardly tried to do something, though I wasn’t quite sure what. She let go of her own inhibitions, flinging herself around like the other people and surprising me with her carefree attitude. I didn’t think I’d ever seen that side of her before. She was usually pretty shy and reserved.

  I could feel myself melting underneath my tuxedo about twenty minutes in, and I was sure my hair was wet and sweat was dripping out of the legs of my pants. I told her I was thirsty, she said the same, and we walked toward the drink table for some water and punch, which thankfully wasn’t spiked since a chaperone was serving it.

  “Want to sit down?” she asked as the music deafened us.

  “Outside,” I said, pointing to the door.

  We walked out into the foyer area, where tables and chairs were all set up. There wasn’t anybody at them, which was perfect for us, as I didn’t think either of us was all that social. We sat down across from each other, and both took a small chug of our water. I wiped my forehead and took a deep breath.

  “I’m having a fun time,” she said.

  “So am I. I’m really glad you asked me to come,” I said with a smile.

  “Like I said before, I wasn’t sure that you’d want to go with me,” she said.

  “Why would you think that?” I asked.

  “I didn’t think I’d be pretty enough for you,” she said.

  “You’re a very pretty girl, Kelly,” I said.

  “Maybe, but I’m not Annabelle pretty,” she said.

  I swirled the red fruit punch around in my cup, feeling my chest get slightly heavy. I wasn’t mad at Kelly, or even annoyed, but I had to admit I was a little bit frustrated that she said that. All of these people—Martin, Dr. Grier, my mom—wanted me to move on and have a good life, Belle definitely included, yet they constantly brought her up and made me think about her even more. It was like telling me I couldn’t have a sandwich for the rest of my life, and then waving a big, juicy sandwich inches from my face every day. I know that’s a strange analogy, but I felt like I was finally able to start my moving-on process and then she’d just reappear. Would I ever escape?

  “I shouldn’t have said that,” she said.

  “No, it’s fine,” I said.

  “It just slipped, I promise. I didn’t mean to make you upset or anything,” she said.

  “I’m not upset, I promise. I don’t want you to compare yourself to her though, okay? I said yes to you because I think you’re a sweet, kind, nice, beautiful girl, and I knew that you’d show me a good time and that we could have a memorable night together. You never need to feel like you have to compare yourself to anybody on this planet,” I said.

  “Wow,” she said as her eyes began to gently tear up.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing. It’s just the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me,” she said, wiping away a tear.

  “Well, it’s the truth. Seriously, you’re great,” I said.

  “Why don’t we start over and get back in there?” she asked.

  “Only if you’ll dance with me,” I said.

  “Deal,” she replied.

  I got up, and she wrapped her arm around mine before we walked back into the jungle and started to dance again. Within a minute, though, the music stopped and the DJ came on over the microphone.

  “All right, ladies and gentlemen, why don’t you grab your sweetie and get close as we slow down the music a little bit and make things romantic,” he said. Slow music started to play.

  Kelly looked a bit nervous, and I could tell she wasn’t sure what to do. Was she going to ask me, or was she too nervous to? I hadn’t slow-danced with anybody else before, but she was my date, and I owed it to her.

  “May I have this dance?” I asked, extending my hand.

  “With me?” she asked, looking around.

  “I brought you to prom. I only want to dance with you,” I said, and she smiled and took my hand.

  She came in close, and the two of us rocked back and forth as we tried to decide how close we should get. Many other couples were much closer, but I wasn’t sure that really mattered to us all that much. We were just happy being here and dancing together, and I wasn’t sure we were ready to get super close and make things more intimate. We were comfortable where we were, and that was the most important thing.

  As prom wore on, Kelly and I had many more times to dance together. My legs started to burn, and I was sure I was getting a blister on the bottom of my foot. They took things up a notch here over winter formal. Later on in the night, the DJ stopped the music for a moment to make an announcement.

  “Now we want to let you all take a little break and do something to remember those that aren’t able to be with us tonight. As you might all remember, and I’m sure you do, we lost a few students not all that long ago. Your student council wanted them to be here with us tonight in some way, so if you’d put your attention on the screen, they prepared a few slides for you all,” he said.

  I could feel my stomach dropping a bit as photographs came on the screen and some sappy, sad music began to play. The pictures, slowly playing, were of everybody who lost their lives in that car accident. People in the audience laughed at the funny ones, and as Belle’s face came up on the massive wall, I moved my leg up and down restlessly and tried to keep my composure.

  She looked so beautiful—her smile lighting up the room—and the whole room brightened when she showed up on the screen. It was amazing to me how loved and liked Belle was by everybody here, and I knew that they’d never forget her,
no matter where they ended up or how old they became. Sometimes a person can make that kind of an impact on you.

  If I thought my heart and my brain were battling before, they were in a full-on nuclear war right now. Kelly, who was standing beside me, was physically here with me. Belle, who was on the screen, wasn’t physically here and would never be. The choice should be so damn obvious, but somehow, it wasn’t.

  I knew I wasn’t going to be fully over her after this short amount of time, but was I even the slightest bit over her? Could I ever be? I wanted to think I could be, but things like this pulled me right back in and reminded me of who and what I lost that night.

  Even though I couldn’t see myself, I could tell I was becoming visibly upset. I squeezed my hands together, and Kelly asked me if I was okay and if I wanted to sit down.

  I soon broke, though, as the final slide wasn’t of their smiling faces, but a picture of the crash scene, which I’d never seen before. My heart melted, not because of my brain winning the battle, but because it was self-destructing. I turned around, trying to keep it all in until I got outside, where the May night air cooled my overheated face. There was a bench nearby, with nobody in the immediate area, and I walked over and sat down. I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to lower my blood pressure and anxiety.

  Why couldn’t I be normal? As dumb as it sounds, I almost regretted ever talking to Belle again that one night. Things could be so normal for me right now, and even though I would’ve been incredibly hurt by her death, I wouldn’t feel like this right now. She never would’ve visited me in my dreams, and I never would’ve been so destroyed.

  I wiped away a tear as Kelly came outside and walked slowly toward me.

  “May I sit down?” she asked.

  “Yeah,” I replied.

  I sniffled a little as she took my hand and held it. I could see the genuine concern and care in her eyes and I hated myself for ruining her night. She was definitely going to remember this night, all right. She’d remember her horrible prom and how I destroyed it for her.

  “I’m sorry you had to see all that,” she said.

  “It’s not your fault,” I said.

  “Doesn’t make me any less sorry. It was wrong of them,” she said.

  “It’s just really hard, you know?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” she replied softly.

  “I almost feel like I can’t escape it. It eats away at me, and then when I think I’m getting better, something like this happens,” I said.

  “It’s okay to not be over her. She was a great girl,” she said.

  “Yeah, she was,” I replied.

  “I’m sorry you couldn’t have had a better time,” she said.

  “No, don’t be sorry at all. If anybody is sorry, it’s me. I ruined your night,” I said.

  “You didn’t ruin anything, Theo. You’ve given me the best night I could’ve ever dreamed of,” she said.

  “We should be in there dancing and laughing, not out here sulking and feeling sorry for me,” I said.

  “It’s not like it wasn’t justified,” she said.

  “I just wish I could’ve been better for you tonight,” I said.

  “Can I be honest with you about something?” she asked.

  “Anything,” I said.

  She looked a bit nervous as she gripped my hand and looked down at the ground. I was a little afraid of what she had to say, but at the same time, I wasn’t.

  “The reason why I asked you to prom isn’t just because I needed a date. I asked because I really like you, and I know that’s probably weird because we don’t know each other all that well, but I’ve had a crush on you for a long time. I was hoping that we could connect or something tonight. I know that was a long shot, especially after what has happened in your life recently, and it’s clear to me that I was just being silly,” she said.

  “No, that’s not silly at all, Kelly. I think you’re great, but—” I said.

  “But you’re not interested,” she said in a disappointed tone.

  “I didn’t say that,” I said.

  “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I just meant that you aren’t really ready to be interested. Not to imply that you do like me like that, but it’s obvious that you aren’t ready for something,” she said.

  “I do like you, and I do think you’re a great girl, but it’s just hard, you know?” I asked.

  “I know. I also want you to know that I’m here for you. If you want to be just friends, that’s fine. I’d be happy to be good friends. If you want to be more, even though it’s not right now, just know that I’m willing to give it a shot. I’m not trying to take over Belle’s spot or what you two had together—not at all. I am, however, willing to wait and work through things with you if you’re interested. We can just get to know each other a little bit, and if you want to take things further, I’m here,” she said.

  “How are you still single?” I asked, looking at her.

  “I guess I just hadn’t met the right guy,” she said.

  “How about this. How about we go back inside, do a little bit more dancing, and leave this night memorable. If I do a good enough job dancing and turn the night around, we can hang out sometime this week and get to know each other a bit better,” I said.

  “That sounds lovely,” she said.

  Still holding hands, we got up and walked back inside, where everybody was dancing, laughing, and having a great time. I might not totally be over Belle, and that was definite, but at least I had a wonderful girl who was interested in me and who could maybe help me find my way again. That was worth its weight in gold.

  Kelly and I ended our night well, as Martin waited in the car outside her house and I walked her to the door. We’d already dropped Kara off, and as we stood on her porch, with the front porch light on and crickets chirping somewhere off in the distance, I realized that the night that I once dreaded was now over and I couldn’t have been happier that I was a part of it.

  “I really had a great time,” Kelly said.

  “As did I. I mean it about hanging out this week,” I said.

  “You better be. I’m looking forward to it,” she said with a small smile.

  “Well, I better get going before Martin gets too antsy,” I said.

  I leaned in and gave her a hug, our silence only interrupted by the crickets around us. We let go, but before I could leave, she leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek. I smiled as I got in the front seat of Martin’s car. He looked at me with an open mouth.

  “A kiss, huh?” he asked.

  “It was just on the cheek,” I said.

  “Still, I’m proud of you,” he said.

  “For getting a kiss?” I asked.

  “For allowing yourself to like it,” he said.

  “Yeah, I guess I am making progress, aren’t I?” I asked.

  “You really are, and I couldn’t be prouder,” he said.

  “Why’s that?” I asked.

  “Because you’re more than just a best friend to me. You’re my brother, and I want nothing but happiness for you in life. I think you can find it, in time,” he said, before pulling out of the driveway and going to my house.

  My life might have had speed bumps and moments that slid me off the road, but I had to admit that I was lucky with what I had around me.

  Martin had planned to spend the night at my house. We pulled into the driveway, and I helped him get his things out of the trunk. Still soaked underneath my tuxedo, I couldn’t wait to get inside and rip it off my body. I wondered how many other people had been like this inside this thing. On second thought, I don’t think I did want to know.

  “How was the night?” my mom asked as we walked inside.

  “It went really well,” I said.

  “He got a kiss,” Martin said, closing the door.

  “On the cheek!” I said.

  “I didn’t know my son was such a ladies’ man. I liked Kelly, though. She’s a sweet girl,” she said.

  “He
’s hanging out with her this week,” Martin said.

  “Man, you really do have a big mouth, don’t you?” I asked.

  “The biggest,” he replied, smiling.

  “Well, that’s good! She’s a nice young lady, and I definitely approve,” she said. “How about your date, Martin?”

  “That girl is a spitfire, but we had a great time together. She kept me on my feet the entire time,” he said.

  “Are you hungry?” I asked.

  “Starved,” he replied.

  I took off my jacket, bow tie, and shirt, and stripped down to my undershirt and pants and relished in the cool breeze that gave me the chills. My mom had replenished our pizza bagel supply, and we started to salivate as the cheese was soon bubbling and cooking.

  The rest of the night was fairly quiet, as we watched a movie and ate likely too much food, before we fell asleep on the couch in our suit pants with the television on. I woke up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water before going upstairs and changing as I left a slumbering Martin alone to dream about his little candy kingdom and all the minions inside it. I wondered if Belle was in there, laughing at him and watching how ridiculous he was, and I smiled and wished I could see it again. I wondered if I could go into his dreams alone. Maybe I’d have to try that.

  With a blanket in my hands, I went back downstairs and stretched out on the sectional couch. I turned off the television and closed my eyes while waiting for my mind to turn off and my dreams to take over.

  Let’s hope they were kind to me tonight.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I sat and thought about my life three weeks later, after I’d graduated and was now completely done with high school. The ceremony itself was nice, and even though I was apprehensive and a bit anxious about going, I was glad that I did.

  My dad had come from out of town to see me walk across the stage, and even my grandparents came and cheered for me. It was a bit strange for my mom, I thought, considering they were still going through the divorce process and all, but she handled it well and didn’t complain the entire time.

  Of course my dad didn’t stay all that long, maybe two or three days, and most of that was spent working on his computer instead of hanging out with me. I guess I couldn’t expect all that much from him, though. He was always working hard even when he was at home.