“Goodbye, Dr. Madison.”
“Dear, don’t you want to stay for the rest of the session? You’ve paid for an hour. Is it something I’ve said?”
“No. I’ve learned that I’m my own person. It’s time to take what I want and do whatever I need to do for it to happen. I’m strong and independent, and for the first time in my life I know what I want, and how I’m going to get it.”
I leave there with a plan, and I intend to see it through. This could backfire and I’ll lose everything, but at least I can say I gave it my all and tried.
Chapter 24
Ben
Last week I told Macy to walk away. I spent the whole first night contemplating inviting someone over to ease the pain, but opted to take a break from everything instead. I can’t focus. She’s killed my mojo, my ability to use sex to clear my conscience.
I’ve worked from home to keep from seeing her at the office. My behavior is reckless and unprofessional, yet I don’t know a better way to handle being around her and wanting something I never deserved in the first place.
I had more than Macy on my plate.
My father is back in the hospital. When I visited last night my stepmother was sitting at his side. She gave me a wicked glance but refused to leave even for a second so I could have time alone. He’s about to die and I feel obligated to finally tell him the truth, not because I want to ensure the firm is mine, but because that woman doesn’t deserve to be the last face the man sees.
I’ve been drinking more than normal, sleeping in the same clothes as the day before. I refuse to answer personal calls, and the idea of speaking to anyone about my problems seems foreign. I’m irreconcilable, left knowing the one person I need the most I’ve shoved away to protect her.
Years. I’ve spent so many of them pretending she was some mission, when all the while I was learning everything about her, studying her, and making it impossible for anyone to compare to her. I’m in denial if I think this is something I can handle or push out of my mind. I know what it is, and it scares the living shit out of me to admit it to even myself.
If I didn’t have court first thing in the morning I wouldn’t go into work, but all my files are still there, and I need to go over some details with Macy. Like it or not I have to face her, and I know if I prolong it from happening it will only be harder.
Macy shows up late. She’s never late for work, so I know it’s on purpose. She has her office door locked and her shades pulled shut. I wonder if she’s done this since I’ve been away from the office. It annoys me that I have to knock in order to be allowed to enter, but this is part of the process of going back to the way things used to be. She was safer when she hated me.
I hear the sound of her heels clanking against the floor as she comes to let me in. The moment our eyes meet I can see she’s having a tough time. “Sorry to bother you. I was hoping you had a second so we could go over the Kalama case.”
“I’ve made a file full of my notes. Hang on, I’ll get it for you.”
She comes back with a flash drive and places it in my hand. “What if I have questions?”
“I’m sort of busy. Maybe you could shoot me an email and I’ll try to answer it before you have to be in court.”
She’s doing this to piss me off and it’s working. I have to pause a moment before I can say something to make it worse. “Look, I know this is bad timing, but we need to try to get along.”
She’s holding onto the door like she’s about to slam it in my face. “I’m fine, Ben. Don’t you remember how it used to be between us? I do my thing and you do… well we both know what you do.”
I have to swallow the guilt-filled lump in my throat before responding. “Thanks for the flash drive.”
I hear the door close as soon as I turn around. This is a disaster. It gets even worse when I start going through her notes and come to a sentence she’s typed just for me.
I hate you for what you’ve done to me Bennington Winthrop.
Yep, plain as day she’s embedded a note to me. Someone else could have read this file and seen it. I’m irate, but at the same time understand why she’s done it. I decide that instead of storming back to her office I’ll send her an email.
Macy:
I know you’re pissed, but we need to be able to work together.
Ben
She replies almost immediately, as if she’s been expecting this.
Ben:
You’re right. I’m furious with you. For a whole month you wined and dined me. Then you invited me into your bed, into your life, only to turn around and push me away. The things you said to me last week were uncalled for. We were both in that hotel room in New Orleans. You can’t fake what happened between us.
You know what, it doesn’t even matter. It’s done. I’m over it. Maybe you’re right. It’s not the life for me.
Macy
God, I hate lying to her. If she could only know how badly I wish I could go into her office and promise her the world.
Macy:
Get in here and talk to me.
Ben
Ben:
Fuck you. I mean it. Leave me alone.
Macy
That’s it. I can’t take it anymore. I rush back out into the hallway and rap on her door until she finally answers. People are coming out of their offices looking to see what the commotion is, but as soon as they see me they back off.
I don’t allow Macy to keep me from entering. I barge right in and close the door behind me. “What the hell?”
We’re staring each other down. “This isn’t going to work.”
“So now you’re firing me?”
I’m shocked she assumes I’d do that to her. “What? No. Don’t be ridiculous. You’re an asset to this firm.”
“Then what isn’t working? You made it clear we were done.”
I run my hands through my hair. “Jesus Christ, woman, don’t you understand why I’m doing this? I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Hurt me. You’ve already hurt me, Ben. I thought we had something. I gave myself to you. I did things for you, things I’ve never done with anyone else. We had an amazing time in New Orleans and like a switch you cast me out. Why? What did I do?”
“Nothing. It wasn’t you.”
“Then what? At least tell me why.”
What should I say? Nothing will make it better. “I can’t give you what you want, so I ended things before we got too involved.”
“I can handle it. I’m not a fragile little girl.”
“Say we try to be together. Everything is going good for a couple of months until I get bored. What will happen when I invite someone else into our bed? What happens when you can’t be enough for me?”
Her eyes fill with tears. She’s trying to conjure up the nerve to tell me it won’t happen, or that she can handle it, but I know it’s not true. “I can’t answer that, but you have no right to make the choice for me. I got through the thing with Lisa and even admitted to enjoying it.”
I lift my hand up and wipe away tears that are falling down her cheek. She closes her eyes and allows me to do it. “I don’t want to hurt you, Macy. I’ve been selfish when it comes to you. I was trying to do the right thing.”
She sniffles as she speaks. “I don’t care what you think is right. I want you. I can handle your lifestyle if it means I get to be with you, Ben. You don’t understand how long I’ve wanted you. I came to you knowing exactly what I was getting in to. You have no right to push me away.”
“What am I supposed to do? I’ll never forgive myself if I can’t change for you. I don’t want to fuck up, but it’s in my nature.”
“Be with me now. Just go with it. Let me prove I can be the person you want as a constant.”
I nod. “I want this. I want you.”
She’s in my arms. “Then stop pushing me away.”
“I can’t promise you anything.”
Her lips are on mine. When she pulls away she calms my nerves. “I don’t ex
pect you to.”
I pick her up and carry her over to her desk. Her legs wrap around my back and it’s taking everything in me not to take her right here where everyone in the office will find out. Then I pull away, but keep my lips close to hers. “I’m sorry. I’m no good at this kind of stuff.”
“I am. Don’t you think if we work together we can figure it out?”
“I hope so.”
“Do something for me, Ben.”
“Anything.”
“Call James and have him come over tonight. Let me show you I can be everything you need.”
This is exactly the reason I pushed her away. It’s not her I’m worried about, it’s me. I’m screwed up. I have been for a very long time. “I don’t think that’s the best idea.”
“You asked me to trust you, and then you said you trusted me. You’re worried I can’t do this, but I know I can. I’m sure it’ll be equally pleasurable for both of us if you just give me the chance.”
I hate myself already for even considering it, but maybe she’s right. Maybe we have to take this as far as it can go to learn boundaries. “Okay. I’ll call James. I’ll see if he’s free.”
She finally smiles and takes my hand. “I just want to be with you. I don’t care what sacrifices I have to make. I want this.”
“I want you too. I’m just not sure I’ll ever be what you deserve.”
“I do.”
Something inside of me breaks. I need this woman, and the fact that I can finally admit it has to prove that letting her go is a mistake. She doesn’t want to give up on me, even if I fuck up. “There is something you should know that I’ve never told anyone.”
She puts her fingertips over my mouth to prevent me from saying it. “Save it for tonight. Let’s just take a few hours to calm down and we’ll work everything out at your place. Don’t worry. There’s nothing you can say to me to change my mind.”
I wish that was the case, but the moment she hears the truth about my step-mother I’m sure she’ll change her mind, except at least we’ll get to have one more goodbye before it all comes crashing down. “I might be in love with you.”
She puts her hand over her mouth like she’s surprised after all we’ve been through. “Whoa. But you said…” Her head is shaking. “You told me it wasn’t possible.”
“I know what I said. I was lying to myself. Being with you changes everything I’ve ever believed in. I’m a piece of shit for bringing you into this, but even a selfish asshole can admit the truth when he has to. You just needed to hear that in case what I tell you later changes the way you feel about me.”
“Okay. I promise I’ll keep that in mind. It’s not exactly easy to forget.”
“Good. Please remember it, no matter what happens tonight.”
When I leave her office I’m shaking. It’s unlike me to lose my shit, but Macy makes me a different person. I can’t believe I spent years trying to be with her only to fall victim to feelings I never thought I had the ability to experience. I don’t know what will happen later on, but I am sure I have to tell her the truth. When I do, it could cost me everything, especially the future we both want to have.
Chapter 25
Macy
It's hard to look into Ben's hazel eyes and see a man who can tear me apart with rejection. For someone I once loathed, I can't seem to imagine my life without him in it. I know what I have to do, and the parts of me I'll risk losing if we stay together, but what good is a life if we don't at least try to make it work?
He once told me he could never change, but I think he's wrong. He spent years persuading me to be with him, and even another month after I decided to give him a chance. Once we became intimate it was all so clear.
He thinks he loves me. Twenty-four hours ago he made me feel as if I'd never be enough. Now I know he did that to protect me from himself. He was willing to sacrifice his own happiness to keep me from changing for him. That kind of act is more than I'd ever expect from the man who always fights to get what he wants. It makes me believe he's telling me the truth when he says he thinks he loves me.
Those words keep repeating in my head. They're words every woman longs to hear. Frank said them to me when we were married, and I thought I felt the same, but my connection to Ben is more powerful. Maybe it's intense because it was built originally on lust. Spending time together, waking up in his arms, and feeling how powerful the chemistry is between us only suggests I've been wrong before.
The man I need has to challenge me. He has to be able to push my buttons and handle my mood swings from time to time. He has to accept that I'll never be able to give him a child, and love me for my flaws. He has to promise me his heart, and never take me for granted, but most of all he needs to be honest. We can do anything if we stick together. Without honesty there is no relationship.
That's why it couldn't work with Frank.
Tonight I'm going to prove to Ben that even if we are a couple we can still have fun with other people. I need to give him this last bit of proof so he knows I can be everything he needs, including supportive. I don't want Ben doing things behind my back. I want him to come to me so we can plan for this type of activity together.
I may not always like it. There might come a time when it’s too much for me, but there's also a chance we can make it work. I've learned love comes in different degrees. If Ben feels any of them for me I know he's changed.
I arrive at Bens house a little before five. After our confrontation at the office I'm dying to be close to him. He welcomes me at the door, pulling me into a heated kiss. "I'm glad you're here."
"Do we have some time before James arrives?"
He leads me into the kitchen and picks up what looks like a glass of bourbon. It's full and I'm presuming he just poured it before I walked in. I watch him swallow a few gulps before sitting it back down on the counter. "He won't be here for another hour."
"Are you okay with this, Ben? I know we had a fight. Maybe we should reschedule."
"I'm okay if you are."
"To be honest I feel like it's something that needs to happen. I want to know if I can do this, while you need to know if you can handle it."
"It's that obvious?" He asks.
I smile, take the glass of bourbon and swallow what remains. "Pretty much."
He cups my face and stares into my eyes. "The second I experienced you for the first time I knew you were different. I'm not sure I want to share you, not even with my best friend."
What he says give me goose bumps. This powerful man I’ve tried so hard to finally break is broken. He’s sensitive when it comes to me, which significantly proves his theory. He doesn’t want to share me, and I wish I could assume it’s true, but I have to know for certain.
“What if I want you to?”
He tries to take my hand, as if it will help convince me otherwise. “Macy, don’t talk like that.”
I pull away. “It’s true. I want this. It’s just sex, right? It’s meaningless sex.”
“You were supposed to be meaningless sex and we both know how that turned out.”
I run my hand over his shoulder and across his chest as I begin to saunter around his whole body while I speak. “How many nights did you fall asleep with me on your mind, Ben? How many days did you sit in the office across from me and imagine you could have me? Do you have any idea how much time I spent fantasizing we could be together? You brought me into this with the thought that you could help me. You promised to open my eyes to a new world. It was my choice to follow. It’s always been my decision.”
He’s looking down at his feet. I watch his body sulk as he finally succumbs to the fact that he won’t be able to change my mind.
“You can’t protect me from something I’m not scared of doing.”
We’re back to being face to face. That dizziness returns and overwhelms me. My hands are shaking and I’m unbalanced. “I’m giving myself to you, because it’s what I want. I can be all that you desire, Ben. Just give me the chance.
Don’t push me away because you’re afraid you’ll hurt me. I’d rather have years of hardship with you than be without you for a single day.”
“You say that now, but who’s to say you won’t change your mind? A week from now, a month, maybe even a year. Then what happens? I need you at this firm, especially with…” He stops abruptly. “It doesn’t even matter why.”
I shrug. “What if one day you decide you want a child and I’m unable to give you one? We both have concerns, which is crazy since this has been what we both wanted for years. We could have had this a long time ago.”
“I wasn’t ready for you. Sure, I wanted you, but not for the right reasons. I wouldn’t have treated you the way you deserve to be back then.”
“You don’t know that.” I’m unsteady. He’s unsure. We’re going into something more complicated than either of us can anticipate, but if this week has taught me anything it’s that I need to be with him, no matter how it has to be.
He brushes my lips with his thumb. “If I want a child, if we want to have a baby someday, we’ll figure out a way to make it happen. There are other options out there. It’s not impossible. Hell, we could always adopt. I’m not saying now. I’m still not sure about any of this, especially if I’d be a good parent, but I won’t prevent you from becoming a mother because I’m selfish.”
He’s saying all the right things. “How is it so easy for you to say this, but Frank couldn’t even see it and he’s a doctor? He knew there were surgeries and facilities out there that might be able to help. You’re the last person I imagined would be supportive.”
“Because Frank didn’t know you like I do. He hasn’t spent years preparing for you. He probably never listened to you when you sat across the table from him during a meal. I don’t forget a single word that comes out of your mouth. You captivate me. You’re my equal, and it seems it’s not just at work either. You challenge me. He never let you be you. He wanted his version of perfect, and fortunate for me you never fit the bill.”
Bound (Seven Year Itch) Page 15