Confessions of a D-List Supervillain

by Bernheimer, Jim; Hsieh, Fiona

  Back at headquarters, both Wendy and the heavily bandaged She-Dozer corner me. Wendy goes first. “This doesn’t look good, Stringel. The rest of the team thinks you sold them out. Jin checked the database and it said you used to work for Pulsive.”

  “So?” I answer looking up from the diagnostics I’m running. Fortunately, I only have a couple of minor repairs to make.

  Sheila gets right in my face and says, “We don’t make deals with criminals.”

  “We weren’t exactly winning, but you wouldn’t know that because you were on your ass.”

  “Cal, Sheila, enough,” Wendy interrupts. “It just looks bad. Our first day out and we get walked over by a middleweight and two chumps.”

  “Would you like day two to go better?” I ask.

  Wendy raises her eye and says, “What do you have in mind?”

  “Well, I might have attached my floater drone to the underside of their semi. I put it in silent mode for five hours to make sure it wasn’t detected while it recorded everywhere it went. It just uploaded everything a little while ago. So as soon as we go over the data, we’ll know where Eddie’s hideout is. I contacted the Olympians and Zeus is already on his way. Eddie is scared of Zeus because he can immobilize Pulsive with a wave of his hand. That’s why Pulsive avoids the East Coast like a plague. Now, if you two ladies don’t mind, I really need to fix my armor in case there’s a fight tomorrow.”

  “Exactly when were you going to tell us all this, Mechanical?” Sheila practically spits out the question.

  “First off, it’s Mechani-Cal or just Cal if that’s too hard. ‘Hey you’ even works in a pinch. I was going to tell you when I had a location. As soon as I finish this, I’ll get it for you. Repairs will go much faster without you two bothering me, unless there is anything else.”

  Sheila backs off and Wendy looks like she ate something that didn’t agree with her. Finally the team leader says, “That’s fairly underhanded, Cal. We don’t usually operate like that and I don’t want it to become a habit.”

  “Duly noted, Miss La Guardia.”

  “C’mon Sheila, let’s get you back to the infirmary. Cal has work to do and we should let him do it. José does the maintenance on our robots. I’ll have him send in one of his clones to help you. Consider it an apology for us rushing to judgment about you.”

  She-Dozer mutters something under her breath and follows Wendy out the door. I can already tell that Wendy wants to be a “good” leader, but she placates too much. That’ll lead to some problems down the road, but I’ll worry about that bridge when I have to cross or burn it.

  Eddie’s big mistake was not taking my first offer. As much as I slam on these do-gooders, villains have their own set of problems. They’re greedy, selfish, short-sighted (even some of the ones bent on world domination), and petty. On a level battlefield with the rest of my gear, I had a decent chance going up against Eddie. The problem is level battlefields don’t really exist. Someone is always at a disadvantage. The secret is to make sure it’s not you. Paranoia, it’s not just a mental problem. It’s also a defense mechanism.

  • • •

  The good news is my worrying isn’t an issue this time. Pulsive’s hideout is a plantation about twenty miles away with no gun emplacements or missile launchers. Eddie’s crazy ass girlfriend opens the door and sees me in my armor with Zeus standing next to me. Her jaw drops.

  “Um Sweetheart,” she says. “It’s for you.”

  “What?” he says coming out of the living room. “No! No! You suck, Stringel! Asshole! You two faced son of a bitch!”

  “Sorry to say this, Eddie, but I’ll put it in internet terms you can understand – all your base are belong to us.”

  I’ve been waiting a long time to use that meme on someone.

  Chapter Eight

  Emotional Purgatory

  “Cal,” Wendy says, entering the monitor room where I’m on duty. “Why do I have a ‘Thank You’ from the Governor of Florida and a request for two hundred additional robots?”

  “It’s probably just spam. You should ignore it.”

  “Don’t give me that! What the hell are you up to?”

  She obviously didn’t buy that explanation. “Remember last week when José and I took the weekend off? Well we just happened to stumble onto a cache of robots that were just sitting around, not being used. Since all but five of them were Type A bots and not useful for anything other than basic guard duty, Andy and I reprogrammed them and leased the bots to the state of Florida.”

  Wendy slaps her forehead with the palm of her hand and says, “You stole somebody’s robots and are leasing them to Florida?”

  “Considering they were probably stolen to begin with, I prefer the term recycled. As for the agreement with the Governor, yeah it seemed like a good deal. Florida’s in our jurisdiction, but even with our jet it takes a few hours to get out that way, so I figured this was a win-win for everybody concerned. We’ve got a hundred and fifty in a pilot program in Tallahassee and Panama City and I’m trying to round up some more bots. By the way, any problems with me taking tomorrow off?”

  “Oh dear god! I can’t believe you just asked that. Why are you doing this to me?”

  “Doing what to you?”

  “This! Undermining my authority. You could have done this on your own, but you obviously tied the Gulf Coast Guardians to your little money making scheme and that means me! What if someone takes over those robots and they go on a killing spree? You’re a damn PR nightmare!”

  “We’ve got it covered, boss lady. There are homemade ‘R’ shutdown daughterboards installed that either José, Andy, or I can access from anywhere. The operating system is “read only” and hardened by me first and then Andy. When they reboot, whatever coding someone tried to load is wiped out. If they’ve got an exploit that Andy hasn’t accounted for, they probably deserve them.”

  “I’m still not comfortable with this. This sounds risky.”

  Doing my best to reassure her, I say, “We test them randomly each week. The paperwork is between my startup company and the state of Florida. José and Andy have spots on the board of directors; do you want one on it as well? It’d be honorary unless you’re seriously interested.”

  Perhaps I’m having a bit too much fun at her expense. Technically, she is already listed on the board. Wendy looks ready to explode, so I adopt a more serious tone. “Look, I’m trying to make a serious go of this. I still don’t have a pardon yet. Florida wanted these security bots, but wasn’t going to do business with a convicted felon. Andy is an AI with no rights, and José has six green cards, so I didn’t go out of my way to hide my Guardian affiliation. My armor takes a beating. Repairs cost money. That ‘El Cheapo’ stuff I’m building for José to augment his clones costs money too. My salary barely covers any of it and shockingly enough, Promethia won’t sell me synth-muscle or any other parts directly, so I have to go through middlemen and pay their mark up. It’s not fun.”

  “Can’t you just do parties and concerts and collect appearance fees like Sheila, Bo, or Jin?”

  I roll my eyes and respond, “Didn’t you say, just last week that the less I interacted with the public, the better?”

  “You leveled a YMCA in Pascagoula and then laughed it up with the local newscaster until the containment and cleanup team showed up.”

  “Technically it was Seawall. I just threw him there. He’s the one that ripped those two load bearing columns out and tried to crush me. Hopefully, he signs up for those basic civil engineering courses at the SuperMax in North Dakota. I wrote the syllabus for it and they actually let me teach it during my time there.”

  “I think I hate you,” she says and proceeds to begin swearing up a storm. I thought Miss Squeaky Clean didn’t do that, but she hides it really well unless she’s in private or maybe the pressures of leadership are already getting to her after just six weeks.

  “It must be my special gift. Maybe that’s why Charmer’s spare necklace didn’t work on me.”


  I’m kind of miffed. Charmer and the Grey Logger found some kind of rock either from space, enchanted by Indian shamans, or something while they were out looking for the next area of forest to clear and made necklaces out of it. I confess I lost interest in the tale about halfway through. Long story short, it gives normal people a super power. That caught my interest. I tried it on after The Bugler, who sprouted a pair of bat wings and elongated ears. It even screwed with his sight creating a sonar effect.

  Me? Nothing that I could tell. I tried telekinesis, psycho kinesis, telepathy, levitation, and every mental trick I could think of. Hell, I even farted … well that just kind of happened, but I figured I’d see what might occur.

  Supposedly, if a hero with a power tries it on, it weakens their power. Half of Jose’s clones disappeared when he gave it a whirl. Now, I’m not sure if I have some kind of hidden power. I didn’t feel any weaker. I could still think of all the things I needed to do with my armor - like anyone would ever accuse me of having super smarts.

  • • •

  “Nice to see you’re settling in,” Stacy says. Other than Dad driving down from home and a couple of state lawyers from Florida with contracts, this is my first real visitor. She’s definitely the prettiest.

  “In my own special way,” I answer and smile. “It’s nice to see they let you out for a change. Ready to party and let off some steam?”

  “Well, it’s Mardi Gras and the city wants to thank me for … I dunno …saving the world. My boyfriend being down here happens to be an added bonus.”

  “Probably good for public relations too,” I add. “I get to be your bodyguard on the float.”

  “Any threats out there that I should be aware of?”

  “Nothing in particular, but I’m sure some jerk out there is planning something.”

  “Might that jerk be named Lazarus?”

  “I wouldn’t put it past him. Ready to get showered by beads? I’ve rigged the float with an explosives detector and a force field generator that you can activate with this.” I toss her a nice looking tennis bracelet that’s been lingering around my base. “I’ll have one activator and you’ll have the other. It’s the right there in the middle.”

  “You got this for me,” she says inspecting it.

  “Sure, let’s go with that.”

  “Relic from the good old days then?” She swirls the ice cubes in her rum and coke.

  “That hurts,” I say and thump my chest. “Right here.”

  “It’s probably just gas,” she replies. “You should take something for that.”

  She’s lucky I don’t have super flatulence. I’d drop one on her in a heartbeat. “One of the nice things about getting a regular check is that I can afford a nice dinner as long as you don’t come down every week.”

  Stacy tilts her head and sighs. “If it wasn’t for the city’s invite, I’d still be up in DC. They’ve built an augmenter that allows some of the less powerful heroes to stay on it longer.”

  “When are they going to start weaning the public off of the chair?”

  “It’s gotten political. It’s an election year and the poll numbers are down.”

  I snort. “That’s a shocker. Quick, let me put on my surprised face.”

  “I know.”

  “Any other interesting news?”

  I listen to her gossip with interest. From Lazarus with a new model or actress on his arm every week, to the battle that just happened in Philly, the various holdups on my pardon, and Hestia hitting it off with that Mather idiot.

  Eventually, I interrupt. “So, how about we go and get some dinner?”

  “I actually think I’d rather stay in and raid the fridge. Where is everyone tonight?”

  “Wendy’s back in New York City for the weekend. All of José is south of the border visiting family. Andy’s on monitor duty, Chain Charmer and The Bugler are on patrol, Sheila’s dating or at one of her personal appearance, and Kimodo is out scaring babies or whatever she does. Anemone is filter feeding. What? Okay, he’s at a jazz club.”

  “So we’re all alone except for Andy?”

  “Yup, this whole rundown base is ours for the taking.”

  She downs the rest of her drink. “Well in that case, let’s go take a dip in the hot tub. I want to relax and unwind.”

  I did not expect that, but it’s a nice surprise. “Sure.”

  “Lead on, MacDuff,” she says misquoting the classics.

  “The guest room is down the hall and third door on the left.”

  “You have a hot tub in the guest room. I misjudged this place.”

  “No, but I figured you’d want to change.”

  “Didn’t you say we’re alone?”

  My secret super power must be creating lumps in my throat because one just appeared. She’s being very forward. I’m pretty sure I like it. “Yeah.”

  “Then who needs suits? They just get in the way. Don’t you agree?”

  • • •

  Later on, I’m on the thinking throne, doing my business and reflecting on what just happened. Stacy went back to her room and the bed seems emptier. Holly Crenshaw’s cruel words from back at my base come to mind and taunt me. She once told Stacy to just jump my bones and cheer me up. From a clinical standpoint, I think that’s what she just did. Don’t get me wrong, I was into it and having a great time, but she didn’t even come close to her “second level thing.” I thought of asking her about it, but I was too chickenshit. The answer would’ve disappointed me. It’s bad enough not knowing if she was faking it.

  Call me crazy, but last night felt like an audition, and I’m not sure I passed. No, I’m not insecure. I’m way too paranoid for that. As long as I don’t screw something up, things should be okay.

  • • •

  “Was that really necessary? You scared the hell out of those people!” Stacy is upset. I might have been a little quick to turn on the shield. I’m sure I’ll hear about it from Wendy when she gets back as well.

  “The explosives detector went off,” I answer knowing how badly I just screwed up.

  “Show me a set of beads that aren’t covered in a layer of alcohol? It’s Mardi Gras for crying out loud! Or it was until you came along.”

  The sound of the ambulances carrying the folks who were trampled fade. The shield knocked about twenty people back into the crowd and things got ugly from there.

  “With all the laser pointers painting me, my threat assessment suite was going haywire.”

  “Then you should program it to recognize the difference between a laser pointer and missile lock. Ever think of that, Einstein? Shouldn’t you have also told me that our float was really your oversized ball robot? When it came out with weapons hot, that didn’t help things either.”

  “Would it help if I said that I’m sorry?”

  “No. Just go back to your headquarters. I need to find a camera and try to salvage this.”

  “Alright. I’ll see you later.”

  “Just go!”

  A few hours later, a limo pulls up to the headquarters and I have all the all the tools of a proper apology ready. Unfortunately, it’s just a driver here to collect her baggage and meet her at the airport. So much for her staying a couple of days.

  • • •

  “She’s through with me, Andy. The Olympian’s press manager won’t even forward my calls to her.” I’m crying in my cups to an android. He mans the monitor console and doesn’t judge me. It’s probably why I like him so much.

  “The variables are too complex for me to give you a definitive answer, Calvin. That said, the indicators point toward a dissolution of your relationship. Would you like some possible course of action?”

  I pop the top to my third beer and say, “Why the heck not?”

  “Very well, I suggest a strategy with multiple layers. You should start by composing a poem, song, haiku or limerick. There is a high probability of success if that is your initial offering.”

  That’s what I get for a
sking him for advice. “If it doesn’t rhyme with Nantucket, I’m probably not going to be able to do that.”

  “I am accessing variations of poems that meet your specified parameters. Processing. Ninety-eight point three percent of them would likely not be suitable to be sent to your significant other.”

  “What does it say about me that my girlfriend can’t remember what she sees in me and my best friend is a glorified coffee maker?”

  Andy puts on his “quizzical” expression. “I have never quite understood the human practice of comparing sophisticated machinery with lesser counterparts. If you would like a coffee, I can certainly download and emulate any number of clips posted online, but I would caution you that in most cases, coffee does not mix well with the quantity of alcoholic beverage you have consumed.”

  “So, what do you think I should do?”

  “Calvin, you perform at your best when you are under significant stress. If you apply this to human mating rituals, you should confront Aphrodite with these problems and refuse to accept any result other than the one you seek.”

  “That’s easier said than done, pal.”

  “Consider this, friend. Do you bend to the will of the universe or do you make the universe bend to your will?”

  That makes a surprising amount of sense, or I’m a little buzzed. I start toward the communications panel, but decide that drunk dialing might not improve my chances.

  • • •

  I’m hanging out in the break room when Dozer enters. She was the first one to deliver an ass chewing about the Mardi Gras fiasco as it has come to be known. I’m still in a foul mood after Stacy’s email showed up saying that we need some “time apart” for things to calm down.

  Other than my scheduled patrols, I have kept a low profile and haven’t been seen in public. It was the one suggestion Wendy offered that I didn’t have a problem with. Some of the others were anatomically impossible.

  Sheila sucks in a long breath to get my attention and says, “Stringel, I can’t believe I’m doing this, but do you want to come with me today?”