Delirious, a Tame Quantum Novel

by Marie Force

  I hold the screen door for him. “Come in.”

  “For you,” he says, handing me the gorgeous and fragrant arrangement. I recognize lilies and snapdragons and my favorite, white hydrangeas. I love that he included them, which means Natalie must’ve told him they’re my favorite.

  “They’re beautiful. Thank you.”

  He offers a small smile as his gaze lands on my lips, letting me know he wants to kiss me but won’t with Logan looking on.

  I burn for that kiss.

  “Hey, Logan.”

  “Hi.”

  “How’s Maddie?”

  “She’s napping. The cut was hurting earlier.” I nod toward the kitchen. “Want to help me put these in a vase?”

  “Um, sure.”

  In the kitchen, I put the flowers on the counter and turn to him, resting my hands on his hips. “Hi,” I whisper.

  “Hi, yourself.” His voice is gruff and sexy, and I wish I could be alone with him. That thought is unprecedented for me. I’m not the kind of mom who yearns to be free of her kids. I love being with them, and they’re never too much for me. The three of us have been a unit for so long. But now…

  His lips brush against mine, clearing my brain of every thought as I process his nearness, his scent, the tingle of his late-day scruff against my face.

  I take a deep breath.

  He shifts his attention to my neck. “Long fucking day,” he whispers.

  “Were you busy?”

  “Yeah, but that’s not what made it long.”

  “No?”

  He shakes his head. “Waiting for this made it long.” His arms slide around me, bringing me in close to his fully aroused body.

  My reaction is instantaneous, my legs are like rubber bands wobbling under me. The last thing I want is to put a stop to something that feels this good, but we can’t do this now. “Kristian…”

  “Hmm?” He seems to be breathing me in, which I find wildly erotic.

  “The kids.”

  He freezes, raises his head and takes a step back, but his eyes… His eyes are on fire for me. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I wanted that as much as you did.”

  “I’m not sure that’s possible.”

  Realizing he wants me so fiercely makes it that much harder to turn away from him, to put the flowers in a vase, to try to focus on finishing dinner and getting Maddie up so she won’t be awake all night.

  I’m distracted by his presence and the way he continues to glance at me as I make small talk with him and the kids during dinner on the deck. I pick at my food because it tastes funny, and I’m too wound up to eat.

  Kristian watches me while talking to Logan about the game room at his house that my son loved so much when we were there. “You’ll have to come over and play again soon.”

  “Can I, Mom?”

  “Sure, we can do that.”

  “Tomorrow,” Kristian says. “We’ll order pizza and play games.”

  “That’d be awesome,” Logan says, smiling widely.

  “What do you say?” I ask him.

  “Thank you, Mr. Kristian.”

  “You can call me Kris if you want. All my friends call me that.”

  I can see that Logan is thrilled to be elevated to friend status, and I send Kristian a warm smile. He can’t possibly know what his kindness and attention toward my kids means to me—and them.

  “Can I play, too?” Maddie asks.

  “Of course you can. I have the original Frogger game that you’ll love. You have to jump the frog across the water from one log to another. I bet you’ll be good at that.”

  “I love frogs,” Maddie says, her eyes dancing with animation that’s a welcome relief after a rough day.

  “I know. I saw your frog blanket last night.”

  And he pays attention. Swoon. You can stick a fork in me. I’m all done. This man…

  “Frogs and horses,” Logan says disdainfully. “That’s all she cares about.”

  “Like you care about video games and gadgets,” I reply.

  He sticks his tongue out at me.

  Laughing, I mess up his hair. “Truth hurts, kiddo.”

  I make the kids help clean up after dinner, and they work together to put away the food and load the dishwasher while Kristian and I remain outside to give them room to work. Other than mediating a couple of disagreements, I don’t get involved.

  “They’re great kids,” he says softly, so only I will hear him. “Polite, funny, cute, sweet, helpful, well-behaved. They must have a fantastic mother.” Under the table, his hand finds mine, and he links our fingers.

  His touch makes me warm all over. “Thank you. I got lucky with them.”

  “It takes more than luck to end up with kids who load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen without protest.”

  “I’ve always made them help. It’s second nature to them by now.”

  “What time do they go to bed?” he asks, waggling his brows at me.

  That’s all it takes to set me on fire for him. “Eight. Maddie might be tough tonight because she had a big nap.”

  He sits back and puts his feet up on the chair that Logan occupied. “That’s okay. I don’t have anywhere to be.”

  And I’m supposed to function after hearing that?

  I supervise the kids through showers and pajamas. I read them two stories and allow Maddie to listen to some music with her headphones for a while to help her fall asleep after the long nap. I pray that she isn’t up all night, because it seems I have plans.

  I shiver thinking about kissing him last night and then in the kitchen earlier, not to mention the information Natalie gave me and how I might broach that topic with him.

  “Are you cold, Mom?” Logan asks me, misinterpreting my shiver.

  “Maybe a little.”

  “Put a sweater on. I don’t want you to get sick again.”

  He touches my heart when he worries about me. “I’m totally fine,” I tell him as I lean over to kiss him good night. “I promise.”

  “Can we go to the beach tomorrow?”

  “We’ll see how Maddie feels in the morning.”

  “I’ll feel fine in the morning, so we can go to the beach.”

  “We can’t do anything until everyone goes to sleep.” I turn off the lights and leave the door propped so I can hear them if they need me. “Sleep tight, guys. I love you.”

  “Love you, too,” Logan says, his voice heavy with impending sleep.

  “Mama,” Maddie says. “Can I have a drink of water?”

  “Yep. Be right back.” I go into the kitchen and fill a plastic tumbler with ice and water, putting a cover on it so I won’t be changing sheets in ten minutes, and take it back to her, kissing her one more time. “Close your eyes and go to sleep.”

  “Okay.”

  I tiptoe from the room because Logan is already out cold and return to the deck.

  Kristian holds out a hand to me. “Everyone settled?”

  I take his hand and let him guide me onto his lap. “For now.” I’m so caught up in the thrill of being back in his arms I can barely breathe. I feel so safe and comfortable with him, but in the back of my mind, lurking like a dark shadow, are the things Natalie told me about him. Am I crazy to get more involved with someone whose lifestyle is so totally different from mine? Probably, but I can’t seem to dial back the out-of-control feelings I have for him.

  “I want to ask you something,” he says.

  I’m immediately on guard. “Okay…”

  “The premiere for our new film Insidious is Saturday night. I was wondering if you might like to go with me.”

  “To a film premiere in Hollywood?”

  He laughs softly. “Yes, that’s the plan.”

  “I… I have the kids, and what would I wear?”

  “I’ve already arranged for a sitter for the kids and a stylist for you—that’s if you want to go.”

  My heart beats so hard and so fast, I fear I might hyperventilate. He wan
ts to take me to a premiere—as his date.

  “Aileen? Are you breathing?”

  I laugh. “Barely. Who did you find to watch my kids?”

  “My assistant Lori’s roommate, Cecelia. She’s twenty-five and a nurse at the UCLA Medical Center.”

  “And she wants to babysit my kids?”

  “Apparently, she’s going through a bad breakup and could use the diversion.”

  “What does she charge per hour?”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’m paying her.”

  “I don’t feel right about that. They’re my kids.”

  “Please let me take care of it. I asked you to come with me. I don’t want it to cost you anything.”

  As I think it over, I roll my bottom lip between my teeth. I’m not used to relying on anyone else when it comes to my kids, but it seems to mean a lot to him that I let him do this for me. “I’d want the kids to meet her before I leave them with her.”

  “That can be arranged.” After a pause, he says, “She agreed to spend the night.”

  He says that so casually, as if he hasn’t dropped a bomb into the middle of our conversation. After another long pause, he gives me a gentle shake. “Hello? Earth to Aileen. Come in, please.”

  “I, um…”

  “No pressure, sweetheart. If you’d rather come home, that’s totally fine. I just wanted to give you the option of a night away.”

  I want everything he’s offering with a fiery yearning I haven’t felt in… well… ever.

  “If you want to think about it, that’s totally fine.”

  “No.”

  His brow lifts even as his face falls with obvious disappointment. “No?”

  “I don’t want to think about it. I want to go with you and be… with you.” I feel overheated and overwhelmed as I take the biggest leap I’ve ever taken. Whatever this is that’s happening with him, I want it. I want him.

  His low groan, the tight squeeze of his arms around me and the hard press of his erection against my bottom let me know he’s every bit as affected by what’s happening between us as I am, and there’s comfort in that. “How will I live until Saturday?” He raises a hand to my face and turns me toward him for a deep, sensual kiss that makes my head spin.

  How will I live until Saturday?

  His other hand lands on my leg and slides upward as he kisses me with deep strokes of his tongue.

  “Mommy.” Maddie is at the door to the deck.

  I turn away from the kiss and get up, thankful for the darkness that makes it so she can’t see that I’m on his lap kissing his face off. Kristian releases me, and I get up on wobbly legs to go to my daughter. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

  “Logan is snoring.”

  Every cell in my body hums with unfulfilled desire as I usher her back toward the bedroom. “I thought you were listening to your music?”

  “I was, but then I wasn’t, and Logan is snoring so I can’t sleep.”

  “Get back in bed.”

  She does what I tell her while I gently turn Logan so he’s not on his back. It’s a delicate operation, but thankfully, he doesn’t wake up. “There,” I whisper to Maddie. “He’ll be quiet now. No more getting up unless you feel sick.” I kiss her and tuck her in. “Okay?”

  “Okay, Mommy.” Her thumb finds its way into her mouth, and her eyes close.

  I stroke her hair and rub her back, hoping to help her relax.

  I’m reeling from Kristian’s invitation, the knowledge that we’ll have a full night together in a few days and the desire that beats through me like a separate heartbeat. When I’m confident that Maddie is settled for the night, I get up to leave her and return to Kristian on the deck.

  “All set?” he asks, extending his hand to bring me back to his lap.

  “I hope so.”

  “Should I go?”

  “Do you want to?”

  “Not even kinda.”

  I laugh at the blunt statement. “Then don’t.”

  His arms encircle me as he nuzzles my neck. “I keep telling myself I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t allow this to happen, but I can’t stay away. I can’t help myself.”

  “I wish you didn’t feel so conflicted.”

  “There’re things… about me… Things you don’t know, and if you did, you might not want this.”

  “Do you mean the BDSM?”

  He goes rigid with shock. “How in the hell do you know about that?”

  “I hear things.”

  “Jesus,” he mutters.

  “Does it make you angry that I know about that?”

  “Angry? No. I’m surprised more than anything.”

  “Because I know?”

  “Not that so much as the fact that you’re still here.”

  “Did you think it would frighten me?”

  “It should.”

  “Why?”

  He huffs out a breath and shakes his head. “If you knew me, really knew me, you wouldn’t want me.”

  I hear despair in his words, and that touches me deeply. “Remember when you said you can’t stay away, you can’t help yourself?”

  He nods.

  “I feel the same way.” I smooth the hair back from his forehead. “I can’t help wanting to be with you. I want to know and understand you, including the things you think will frighten me.”

  “I’m not used to your kind of honesty.”

  “Let me tell you what having cancer does to a person. It makes you realize life is short and precious and every minute matters. It makes you intolerant of bullshit.”

  He cups my face and runs his thumb over my lips. “It makes you a refreshing change of pace.”

  “Will you talk to me about the reasons you feel so unworthy of me?”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t talk about that stuff with anyone.”

  “That’s not going to fly with me.”

  He looks at me with surprise.

  “Can I tell you a story?”

  “Sure.”

  “I want to tell you about the man who fathered my children.”

  Chapter 10

  I’m still reeling from the fact that she knows about the BDSM. She also knows I’m hiding things from her, and yet she’s still here, snuggled into my arms, about to share part of herself with me. It’s all I can do to keep breathing while I wait to hear what she’ll say.

  “I met Rex the summer after I graduated from college. I was at the Jersey Shore with my college friends for a week, and he came to a party we had at the house we rented. We hit it off immediately. He was charming and sweet and sincere. I was used to guys who talked a big game but didn’t deliver. That wasn’t him. He called when he said he would, showed up when he said he would, he had a good job in the finance sector, came from a nice family. He checked all my boxes, and I fell deeply in love with him over the next few months.”

  I hold her hand as she speaks, needing the connection, even as the thought of her in love with another man makes me seethe. What can I say? I’m hardly rational where she’s concerned.

  “We got pregnant with Logan by accident. I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I’d only just graduated from college and was focused on trying to start my career in marketing. I cried for days, but Rex… He was rock solid and so excited to be a father. Eventually, his excitement led to mine, and I began to accept that my plans had changed.

  “Looking back now, I can’t believe I was ever anything less than thrilled to be a mom, because my kids are the best thing to ever happen to me. We talked about getting married, but we never got around to it between work and taking care of Logan. Rex was a good father to Logan, but during that first year, he began to go missing for hours at a time, and when I’d ask where he’d been, he never had a good explanation. I was afraid he was cheating on me. We weren’t married. We had a new baby. I was tired all the time. Our sex life had become almost nonexistent by that point. It was frightening to me because he made most of the money we lived on, and I couldn’t conceive of how we’d get by
if he left us.”

  It kills me to hear her talk about being afraid or lonely. I gather her in closer to me. “Hold on to me.”

  She puts her arms around my neck, and I stand to carry her inside, sliding the screen door closed behind me. I debate between the sofa and her room and choose her room, putting her down on the bed and crawling in next to her.

  She snuggles into my arms. “Much better.”

  Stroking a hand over her short hair, I say, “Tell me the rest.”

  “I finally confronted him about his absences, and he assured me there was no one else, that he loved me and Logan and wanted our life together. For a few years, things were good, and then, when I was pregnant with Maddie, he began to disappear again, once for two days. I heard from the wife of one of his colleagues that he’d lost his job, and I panicked. I had no idea what to do or who to call. When he finally turned up, he’d been badly beaten. His face was so swollen, I barely recognized him. I wanted to take him to the hospital, but he refused. I tended to him until he recovered, and then I demanded he tell me where he’d been. He broke down. I’d never seen him cry before. He told me he’d been hooked on cocaine since before he met me, and he couldn’t lead the double life anymore.”

  I gasp because I didn’t see that coming. I’m not sure where I thought this was leading, but it wasn’t there. “God, Aileen.”

  “There I was with a four-year-old, a baby due in two months, a part-time job, a three-thousand-dollar-a-month apartment and a drug addict boyfriend. And how, I asked myself, had I not known? With hindsight, though, I could see the signs were all there. I just didn’t put them together. I asked him to go to rehab, and he refused. I told him he had to leave, even though I was terrified of being alone with two kids. I helped him pack his bags. He kissed Logan good night, hugged me, said he was sorry he couldn’t be what we needed, and he left. I’ve never seen him again.”

  “Jesus. I don’t even know what to say.”

  “I had Maddie by myself while a lady in our building watched Logan for me. The next day, I brought her home from the hospital, and the three of us have been a family ever since.”

  I hold her tight against me, my heart beating hard and fast. I’ve never wanted to protect anyone from further hurt more than I do her and her kids.