How Spy I Am

by Diane Henders

  “It’s a locator. It showed up on the scanner because it’s transmitting, but it’s not transmitting sound, just your location. Like a GPS.”

  “Oh. So that’s how Richardson found me so easily in Calgary.” I thought that over for a few seconds. “So I’ll have to carry it with me, or they’ll know I removed it. But at least I know nobody’s listening in on me.” I frowned at Spider. “Did you know they were going to do that? Do you know who did it?”

  Spider shook his head. “I assume it’s on Stemp’s orders, but I didn’t know about it. They must have just inserted it under that burn on your arm while you were unconscious. They must have thought you’d never notice.”

  “Let’s hope they still think that,” I said. “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  I picked up the tiny capsule and dropped it back into my change purse. “I guess I’ll take my little electronic leash and get going then.”

  My appearance at the Greenhorn was greeted with jubilant exclamations and hugs, and a delicious lunch and a couple of hours of soothingly predictable bookkeeping helped ease my taut nerves.

  On my way back to Sirius, the small park beckoned. I pulled into the parking lot and slipped out of the truck, gratefully stretching my legs in a brisk walk through its treed perimeter. I was emerging into the open area when the sound of children’s happy voices made me glance toward the playground.

  I dodged back into the concealment of the trees to stand dumbly, my heart stuttering in a calypso rhythm while I watched gorgeous Honey Travers and her two perfect children frolicking with Kane.

  Both children were blond like their mother. The little girl’s golden ringlets bounced as she tugged at Kane’s jacket, her angelic face pleading. She looked about four years old, and as I watched, Kane swept her up onto his massive shoulder as if she was made of thistledown. She squealed her delight, clinging to his supporting arm.

  Her brother, maybe a couple of years older, lowered his buzz-cut blond head and charged Kane in a mock tackle. Kane scooped him up, tucking the child under his free arm like a squirming football while they both whooped and laughed.

  The joy in Kane’s face was unmistakeable, every line of his body easy and relaxed. He turned to face Honey, still laughing, and I dropped my gaze to my boots, feeling like a voyeur.

  As I turned away, I glimpsed Honey with her hand resting on Kane’s chest, her beautiful face alight with tenderness.

  Chapter 12

  Back at Sirius Dynamics, I was shuffling down the hall trying not to replay the scene from the park when Stemp emerged from his office. I braced myself.

  Stay calm. Stay civil. Do not pull out your gun and shoot the sonuvabitch, no matter how much he deserves it.

  “Ms. Kelly.” He gave me his usual expressionless stare. “I haven’t received your choice of cars yet.”

  “Oh. Right, I forgot about that.” I swallowed the urge to rip a strip off him for the fact that I had to choose another car at all.

  “I left the list, along with the Widdenback dossier, on your desk. Please make a choice by end of day.” He continued down the hall, and I made for my office, seething silently.

  When I opened the folder, I felt my shoulders relax. It was better than I’d dared hope. There were several sedans and SUVs, each with a complete spec sheet including torque, displacement, and 0-to-60 time trials. None of them were the latest model year, but they were all-wheel drive, and all of them were more modern and powerful than my old Saturn.

  I pushed away my faint feeling of disloyalty and let myself get excited. A new car! A powerful new car! I spread the spec sheets out, grinning.

  At last, I settled on a Subaru Legacy and tiptoed down the hall to Stemp’s office, my heart in my mouth. Now that I’d gotten excited about it, would he snatch it away from me? Tell me he’d changed his mind, or somehow sabotage me?

  I tapped at his open door and at his ‘come-in’ gesture, I stepped inside to slide the spec sheet for the Legacy onto his desk.

  He scanned the paper and nodded. “Good choice. I’ll have it delivered to your farm.”

  “Thanks,” I muttered, and hurried out before anything could go wrong.

  I was sitting at my desk reading the dossier on my sleazy new cover identity when Spider stuck his head in the doorway.

  “How’s it going?” he inquired.

  I groaned. “Could Stemp possibly have come up with anything cheesier? I’m sure he’s just torturing me for fun. How did he think up all this crap, anyway?”

  I looked up to see Spider’s face flush scarlet. “Um,” he said. “Sorry. Um… that was probably my fault. Sorry.”

  “You thought this up?”

  “No!” His flush deepened. “No, I’d never do that to you! No, what I meant was, Stemp assigned me to dig up plausible details for a new cover for you, and I thought the best way to do it would be to run a quick facial recognition search on the web to see if there were any close matches I could work with or get ideas from…”

  “Which was smart,” I interrupted. “Fuzzy Bunny is doing that, too. But their facial recognition program doesn’t seem to be as good as yours.”

  “No, mine is really good,” he agreed. “But then it started popping up all those videos.” He turned even redder and concentrated on his shoe as it scuffed at the carpet.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled. “I… looked at the first one… before I realized what it was. Sorry.”

  And I’d thought I’d been embarrassed by the whole porn star cover. Poor Spider.

  “It’s okay,” I reassured him. “It’s not really me. The woman is just a construct. Harchman must have built the sim using footage of me from the security cameras. With a few modifications…” I bit off the conclusion of my sentence: ‘…like boobs the size of volleyballs.’ Spider probably didn’t want to think about that.

  “I know it’s not really you, I know you’d never… That guy is so…” He trailed off, still blushing furiously. “But… it’s just…” He met my eyes, his young face tight with anger. “It’s not fair! That’s so gross, having people think it’s you! Stemp made me find what all those creepster guys were saying online about you, and that’s how he built the dossier. It just sucks! After everything you’ve done for us!”

  Somehow his outrage made me feel better. “It’s okay,” I repeated. “It’s better to be sleazy and safe than virtuous and dead. I think. Anyway, at least I’m going to get a cool new car.”

  His face relaxed into a smile. “Trust you to find a silver lining.”

  When I turned into my lane after work, my heart rose at the sight of Hellhound lounging against his SUV. Perfect. A bit of hot distraction was exactly what I needed right now.

  I parked and strolled over, eyeing him appreciatively. He limped over to pull me into his arms at the front porch and the heat of his lingering kiss caused global warming in the tropical wetlands.

  “Goddamn, I needed that,” he rumbled, grinning.

  “Me, too. And that’s not all I need.” I tugged him toward the steps. “Come on in.”

  His knowing hands slid over my ass as I climbed the stairs ahead of him, sending a rush of hot lust through me. I shot a grin over my shoulder and unlocked the door, my spirits soaring in anticipation of a long, delicious night.

  Inside, I waited for him to remove his boots before linking my arms around his neck to press close. He dropped a kiss on my forehead and gently disengaged my arms, reaching into his pocket for his scanner. I blew out a sigh of resignation and stepped back while he began the entire scanning process over again.

  At last, Hellhound limped into the living room to sprawl on the couch. “All clear, darlin’, ‘cept for the locator ya got in your change purse.”

  I stared at him. “How did you know about that?”

  “Webb told me this afternoon.”

  “Good.” I straddled his lap and kissed him, running my hands over his chest. “Then bring that tongue over here,” I mumbled against his lips. “It’s time you paid
up for leaving me all hot and bothered last time.”

  His hands closed around my shoulders, and he held me at arms’ length. “We gotta talk.”

  I eyed him with frustration. “Shit, Arnie, I thought we had everything worked out. No commitments, no lies, right? Why did you give me the come-on if you were just going to shut me down?”

  He sighed. “Sorry ‘bout that, darlin’. I know we had our deal, but it ain’t that simple anymore.”

  “What do you mean, it’s not that simple?” Weariness overcame me, and I got off him to flop into the chair opposite. “God, Arnie, I can’t take any bullshit mind games right now. Just tell me what the problem is.”

  He blew out a long breath. “The problem’s Kane.”

  “Kane?” I stared at him. “What the hell does Kane have to do with anything?”

  “He’s my best friend, an’ he’s in love with ya.”

  I knotted my fists in my hair and tugged, fighting the urge to yell. “He’s not in love with me. That was just a cover story. He had orders to pretend he was in love with me, that’s all. Now his orders have changed, he doesn’t care if I’m dead or alive, and he’s screwing Rocket Science Barbie and being a dad to her kids! He’s not in love with me, for fucksakes!”

  Oops, yelled after all.

  Arnie shot me a look. “An’ you’re in love with him, too.”

  “I’m not-” I began, but he interrupted.

  “Hang on, darlin’, an’ lemme explain the whole thing. I lied to Stemp, an’ there’s a whole lot ya need to know. I couldn’t tell ya while I thought ya were bugged, but now we gotta talk.”

  I drew my knees up and tucked my head down. “I really don’t want to talk right now,” I mumbled. “I just want you to kiss me and take me to bed and make it all go away for a while.”

  A long silence.

  “I can’t do that anymore,” he rasped.

  Chapter 13

  God, this couldn’t be happening. I let out a whimper and hugged my legs tighter. “Why the hell not?”

  Hellhound blew out a breath. “That’s what I’m tryin’ to explain.”

  I gulped down rising apprehension. “I’m listening.”

  “Last week when Kane called to tell me you’d crashed your car an’ died,” Hellhound began, “He sounded… Well, he was barely holdin’ on. I told him that hadta be wrong ‘cause Richardson drove ya back in his truck, an’ it was like I gave him the sun an’ moon an’ stars.”

  He scrubbed his knuckles against his beard, not looking at me. “So we figured Stemp was doin’ a setup,” he continued. “I drove up an’ we started plannin’. Kane was goin’ nuts, an’ that’s when I asked him, straight-out.”

  Hellhound met my eyes at last. “He’s been in love with ya for months. He’s crazy about ya, darlin’.”

  I groaned. “He was lying. It’s just his orders. Arnie, I can’t take any more of this. It’s like some bullshit soap opera. I just want it to end.”

  Arnie frowned. “You’re the one that’s makin’ it into a soap opera, Aydan. He loves ya, an’ he told ya so. It ain’t his fault ya won’t believe him.”

  “Can we please not talk about this?” I begged.

  “We’re gonna talk about it,” he rasped. “’Cause ya ain’t heard the whole story yet.”

  I sank my head into my hands while he continued, “So anyway, we figured ya were still alive, an’ we were hopin’ Stemp had ya stashed somewhere. So we started lookin’.”

  “You started looking,” I interrupted. “While he made time with Honey Travers.”

  Arnie shot me an impatient scowl. “Kane looked for ya all day an’ all fuckin’ night an’ all the next day, too. I practically hadta knock him out with a rubber hammer to make him get some sleep.”

  “Thing was,” he continued, “We figured if he didn’t wanna be reassigned, he better look like he didn’t care. Honey invited him over for dinner, so we decided he should go.”

  My stomach twisted. “So he’s using her. And her kids.”

  “Jesus, Aydan,” Arnie snapped. “I know ya got trust issues, but can ya just cut him some slack for a minute?”

  His tone hit me like a slap, and I couldn’t prevent my arms from wrapping around my body to absorb the blow.

  “Aw, darlin’.” In an instant, he was kneeling beside my chair, his arms warm around me. “Sorry, Aydan.” He stroked my hair, holding me close.

  I pulled away, afraid to take his comfort now, waiting for the axe to fall. I stiffened my backbone and kept my voice flat. “Just tell me.”

  His expression closed down and he rose to limp back to the couch, his bulky shoulders sagging. He sank onto the sofa and hunched over to rub both hands over his face, staring at the floor.

  After a moment, he continued quietly. “Nah, he ain’t usin’ her. He told her up front he wasn’t interested, but she said she needed to talk to somebody with a security clearance. She’d been tyin’ herself in knots ‘cause she heard the gunshot an’ saw them takin’ your body outta Stemp’s office. She thought he shot ya in cold blood.”

  “Oh.” Shame seared my gut. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay, darlin’. So that’s when we knew it was a setup for sure. Stemp’s got all the moves. If he’d been gonna kill ya for real, he wouldn’ta left any witnesses.”

  “That’s why I hadta lie to Stemp about Kane an’ Honey,” he finished. “To convince him Kane ain’t involved with ya. Then after ya told Stemp about you an’ me, I decided to run with it. That’s why I been all over ya in public, but not when we’re alone. If Stemp thinks neither of ya is interested in the other, everythin’ should be fine. That’s why Kane gave me the bug detector, too. He didn’t wanna take a chance on Stemp listenin’ in while I told ya.”

  I took a few long moments to digest what he’d told me, slow foreboding tightening my chest.

  “But, Arnie,” I said at last, “Why does this change anything between you and me? Kane knew about our deal, and he made it clear he’s not interested in anything but an exclusive relationship with me. And I made it clear I’m not interested in an exclusive relationship with him or with anybody. And you know that, too.”

  “I know.” He was still staring at the floor. “But I didn’t know he was in love with ya. I don’t wanna get in the way a’ that.”

  “What about what I want?” I held myself straight. Kept my voice under control.

  “I ain’t sayin’ ya gotta be with him, I’m just sayin’ I don’t wanna be the one standin’ between ya.”

  “But I don’t want the kind of relationship he wants, so there’s no reason for you to-”

  “Aydan,” he interrupted softly. “I can’t. He’s my brother.”

  I swallowed hard. “I’m not going to give you up just because that’s what Kane wants.”

  He looked up at last. “Ya don’t hafta give me up. If ya still like me when we ain’t mattress dancin’, we’ll still be friends. But if we’re just fuck-buddies, then we’re done.” The strain in his face belied his unemotional tone.

  “Arnie, no! You know you’re more than that to me!” I stared at him, desperately searching for an argument that would change his mind. “Arnie, please, don’t…”

  I bit off my words.

  Don’t what? Abandon me?

  Fool. I should have known better than to start counting on him.

  I stood, and Arnie rose, too. He reached toward me, but I dodged his hands.

  “Don’t. You… I…” My words jerked out between breaths that had suddenly gone ragged and I turned away, holding onto composure with clenched fists.

  “Aydan.” His voice was so raw it froze me in place.

  I turned slowly to face him again, rigid with the effort to hold in the hurt and loss.

  Arnie eyed my fists. “Ya can hit me if ya want,” he said quietly. “Call me a fuckin’ asshole, you’re prob’ly right. But don’t just walk away. If we’re done, ya gotta say it to me.” He squared his shoulders and met my eyes, his face set. “No lies,” he ras
ped. “That was our deal, an’ I’m holdin’ ya to it.”

  “Of course we’re not done,” I choked. “I still… Of course we’re still friends.”

  His expression softened and he half-reached for me, but I backed away.

  “Don’t.” My voice scoured my throat. “Just end it cleanly.”

  His arms sank to his sides. “Is that what ya want? For me to never touch ya again?”

  “No.” I swallowed the pain and held my voice level. “But it obviously doesn’t matter what I want.”

  “Aydan.” He spoke my name so gently I had to blink back the burning behind my eyes. “Long’s we’re friends, I ain’t gonna stop huggin’ ya. Not for Kane or anybody.”

  His arms folded me in and I clung to his warm familiar bulk, hiding my face against his shoulder. Arnie caressed my hair aside to brush a kiss across my cheekbone.

  “Nothin’ else’s changed, darlin’, we just ain’t gonna be gettin’ it on anymore,” he murmured. He tilted my chin up to give me his teasing grin. “An’ hey, I know I’m good in bed, but I ain’t that good.”

  I did my best to return his smile. “Obviously you underestimate yourself.” I took a deep breath, trying to ease the ache in my chest. ““It’s not that… I just… I mean, hell yeah, it is that, too, but…” I fumbled to a halt, old defensive instincts blocking my words.

  “But long’s ya were bangin’ me, ya were safe,” he said quietly. “Ya didn’t hafta deal with what ya got goin’ on with Kane. Now ya do, an’ you’re scared shitless.”

  I started to argue, but gave it up and dropped my forehead onto his shoulder again. “I already told him I can’t give him what he wants,” I mumbled into his T-shirt. “You know I can’t. Please, just tell him to give up and get on with his life.”

  “Sorry, darlin’. Ya gotta talk to him yourself.” He pulled back a few inches to look down into my eyes. “Are ya mad at me?”

  “Yes, dammit, I’m pissed as hell at you. Why can’t you just be a selfish jerk who only cares about getting his rocks off? …Well, and getting me off, too,” I added as an afterthought.