by Sue MacKay
Her fingers clenched the umbrella. First there was the weekend to get through. Time with Cole. How would she cope? Seeing him, breathing in his smell, being stuck in the house together—the thought had her heart racing already. As long as they didn’t get angry at each other or upset one another too much. Tears were already threatening, and he wasn’t due yet.
‘See you on Monday when I bring Jack back to have his dressings changed.’ Barbara revved the engine, then stuck her head out the window. ‘If you feel like a coffee any time, just drop in.’
‘Thanks. I might do that when I’ve run out of ways to annoy Damon.’ Her older brother was a fireman at the same station as Jack, and everyone there had been super-friendly since she’d arrived back in Cairns from London three weeks ago.
Her other brother, Phil, was a local cop, and he too seemed intent on keeping an eye on her by including her in every social event he went to—usually for a pint at the pub. She loved them both, but they could be a little suffocating.
With Cole coming, their protective instincts were on high alert. In the past she’d relished their support, but now she needed to do this without them interfering. Her spine was getting straighter, tougher.
Ducking under the overhang at the medical centre entrance, she saw a taxi pull up over the road. She had two patients to go before she packed it in for the weekend and headed to the airport to wait for Cole. Scratching her palms, she swallowed hard. Air slowly seeped from her lungs. Nothing about the weekend was going to be easy.
It wouldn’t take forty-eight hours to come to an arrangement about whether to sell the Sydney apartment or get Cole to buy her out. That was the sum of their marriage now. Her stomach had been a tight ball all day, and she hadn’t eaten a thing, replacing food with endless mugs of coffee, and now was so jittery her teeth clacked.
Closing the umbrella, she shook the water off before dropping it into the tall pot standing in the corner. Despite the incessant monsoon rain the air was still warm and humid. There was nothing like Queensland temperatures to make her feel right at home again. Except she wasn’t. These past weeks she’d been unsettled about whether to stay here permanently or return to Sydney and her friends down there. She presumed Cole would live there once he returned to civilian life, which held her back on that choice.
If—when—they divorced she’d want to live somewhere without all the memories. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, she’d admit she wanted to be near him. But that wasn’t being strong. And strong was what she had to be, otherwise why go through this agony of finishing her marriage to the man she’d given her heart to?
Cole was out of the army early. He hadn’t said why. Typical. Her heart thumped hard. Despite everything she’d said in the brief phone conversations in the past months, he still hadn’t recognised how much she needed to share his life, to understand his thinking; not to be standing on the sidelines, waiting for him to give her some attention.
Footsteps on the path.
Her skin prickled. No, it was too early. Cole’s flight from Sydney wasn’t due for three hours. The goosebumps tightened, the hairs on the back of her neck lifted. She wasn’t ready to confront him, needed more time to get her game face on. Although, she had to admit it, she’d never be ready. But—but this weekend wasn’t going to go away without her spending time with Cole. Only one person turned her into a blithering wreck just by being near him. He was here.
Another wet step. ‘Hello, Vicki.’ Two words, soft, endearing, and full of memories that threatened to make those tears spill. Blink, blink. She loved that voice, heard it in her sleep, held it to her whenever she needed her man. Every day and night. Thump-thump, banged her heart.
Be strong.
Which was easier said than done.
‘Cole.’ That taxi must’ve dropped him off. ‘Hello,’ she muttered through suddenly dry lips.
The rate of her heart lifted. The ends of her fingers tingled. Cole. The man she adored. The man she had to hold out on for a more secure future. The man she’d once done anything to make happy, and now couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Her breathing went out of whack.
‘Vicki.’ He paused, waited, finally asked, ‘How are you?’
He had to ask? The brave face slipped on. She didn’t bother forcing a smile. Straightening her back, she slowly pivoted around on her heels to stare at her handsome husband. Except—The ground moved beneath her feet. Putting her hands out for balance, she struggled to stay upright. ‘Cole?’ She gasped. This was all wrong. ‘What’s happened? Are you all right?’ Stupid question. He looked terrible. Worse than terrible. ‘Obviously not.’ Her instinct was to rush to him, wind her arms around that body she knew so well—not like this, she didn’t—and never let go. To take away his pain, make him better.
We’re over, remember?
She drew in air, clamped down on her emotions, clenched her hands at her sides, and remained fixed to the spot. Not that her feet could’ve lifted off the porch. They were as heavy as rocks. Studying him, her heart pounded harder, the tingling in her fingers tightened. He was far too thin. There were lines on his face that hadn’t been there before. When he stepped closer his left leg dragged. There was fierce concentration on that lined, grey face, as though he was determined she wouldn’t see how much it hurt to move. But there was no hiding the pain reflected in his eyes. ‘Cole?’ she whispered through pain of a different kind. ‘Please tell me you’re all right.’ Please, please.
‘Vicki. I’m all right.’ Two more steps and he stood before her, looking stunned. Lifting his arms as though he was going to hug her, he hesitated, dropped his hands to his sides. ‘Hello, sweet—’ He stopped, staring at her, swallowing non-stop. ‘Damn,’ he muttered.
Vicki jerked backwards, away from his tempting body. Tension sparked between them like forked lightning. Anxiety blindsided her. She couldn’t do this. He’d nearly called her sweetheart. As normal, as though nothing was wrong.
I love him. Totally. Nothing has changed.
Her heart was coming out of her chest, her head spinning out of control.
I love him as much as ever.
Forget all the doubts since the miscarriage. Forget her own needs. Cole meant everything to her. Memories of him holding her, his hands strong, and warm, and, well, right. They fitted her. Slowly, she raised her head to gaze into his dark blue eyes.
I love you.
Had she said that out loud? He hadn’t reacted, so hopefully she hadn’t. The moment for telling him would never come if they didn’t reach some understanding. They had to. He meant everything to her, was her life, the future.
Fight for what you want.
This weekend was about finishing their relationship, or possibly getting back together with different ideas of how to go ahead.
She froze, one muscle at a time. Gritted her teeth to keep words back. Words like, ‘Hello, darling, I’ve missed you so much’. She wasn’t going to be that woman again. Had no intention of returning to being the woman who was more concerned about keeping Cole happy before all else. She would eventually shrivel inside, turn bitter, or unhappy and sad as her mother had become before she’d woken up to what she needed to do. It was time to fight for herself, not give in to this gripping love.
Remaining still, she denied the warmth and longing warring in her veins. Fought the desire to touch Cole, to lean in against that altered yet familiar body. To let him hug her tight and close. To hug him back like there was no tomorrow. But there was. Give in now and she might as well walk down the drive and go back to Sydney with him tonight, no conversations, no plans or changes made. Forget her hopes for the future.
‘You’re early.’
Lame, Vicki. But she was fighting for survival. Anything went.
‘I didn’t want this weather bomb to prevent me making it to Cairns so I changed my flight.’ His gaze bored into her with a hunger she hadn’t expected since their infrequent
phone discussions had been so awkward.
It was good to see his reaction; despite everything, it warmed her throughout. It had to mean there was hope. What was she hoping for? A lightning bolt moment where Cole understood what she needed? After all these years?
‘I could not miss seeing you for anything,’ he added.
Now Cole stood before her, she realised she’d been holding her breath for days in case he changed his mind about coming. Not that he would’ve. That wasn’t his way. But, still, their relationship was unrecognisable. They had to do this, sort out everything before they could move on separately. Not together. He’d wouldn’t have changed that much. Nausea rose.
Give in, carry on being the pleaser you’re so good at being. Kiss him, hug him. Buy a ticket on the next flight to Sydney. Make him happy.
No. She mustn’t. Because eventually something would happen to drive a wedge between them again, or she’d sink into an abyss where she’d given up on herself. But she still loved Cole. There was no denying that. Which only made everything so much harder. ‘I’ve still got nearly an hour before finishing up here.’
He nodded curtly, wincing as he shrugged his shoulder where a small pack hung against his back. Like it hurt having any weight pulling at him.
What had happened? ‘Cole?’ His name slipped across her lips before she could stop it. ‘What—?’
He cut her off. ‘Not now. I’ll wait down the road at the pub.’
Nothing had changed. ‘No. Tell me now.’
He shook his head as though clearing something away. Those piercing eyes she knew so well were filled with a pain she’d never seen before. They locked onto her, sending shivers of excitement right down to her damp toes. Damn him. ‘Vicki, seeing you is the best thing to happen for a long time.’
As she made to stop him saying anything more that might undermine her determination to keep him at a distance she once more had to fight the urge to throw herself at him and hang on tight. As usual he’d deliberately diverted her from her question. Nothing new there.
* * *
Cole held up his hand. ‘Hear me out.’ Then he couldn’t continue. Vicki, his beautiful wife, stood there, the battle going on in her head showing through her eyes and on her face. All he could think was, I love you. Nothing else mattered. He loved Vicki. He always had and always would.
Something like relief floored him. His love hadn’t changed, was as deep, as strong, as ever. Not that there’d been any doubts, but knowing helped, shoved away some of the dread that getting together might make matters worse, not better. Over the days leading up to this moment he’d despaired that they mightn’t talk, wouldn’t resolve anything.
So tell her how you feel.
He opened his mouth. Closed it. Last time he’d said it over the phone she’d gone quiet, then said she had to go and hung up.
He found his voice. ‘We have a lot to sort out, and none of it’s going to be easy, but I’ve missed you badly. More than ever. Seeing you tips me sideways.’ And upside down, all around. He was not giving up without a fight. A hard one. With everything he had.
He’d started and was close to getting a job that involved staying in one place for the foreseeable future, which meant they could buy a house and settle down in Sydney. Try again for a baby. First he owed Vicki an apology. He’d given it more than once over the phone but face to face would go a lot further. She’d see his how genuine he was, not hear it over a bad phone connection.
‘Cole, you’re not making this any easier.’
She was definitely holding back, whereas he’d blurted out how he felt. He didn’t do blurting. His gut churned. She hadn’t reacted positively to being told he’d missed her. Were they really at an impasse? Please, not that. He hadn’t said the three most important words. Should he? Would that break the barriers Vicki was clinging onto? Or would it put her on alert, make her warier than she already was? Because she was fighting to remain cautious. It showed in her rapid blinking, in the way the tip of her tongue poked over her lip.
He had to slow down. ‘We’ve waited months to talk properly. We can wait a little longer. I’d rather be some place with just you, not out front of a medical practice. It feels rather surreal.’
‘You can start by telling me why you’re limping.’
This persistence was new, putting him on alert. He was in for a verbal hiding. And not as prepared as he needed to be. ‘All in good time,’ he said too forcefully, and suffered an unhappy glare coming straight back at him.
* * *
So they’d talk about whatever Cole chose, when he chose. ‘How normal,’ she muttered under her breath. From the moment she had sensed his presence she’d been struggling to stay grounded. Her head pounded in time with her heart. Parts of her body alternated between hot and chilled. This was the man she’d sworn to love for ever. It would be too easy to tell him nothing had changed, and then slip her hand in his and ask him to take her away, to forgive her for standing up for herself. But do that and she gave up everything. She’d go back to fitting in with his choices, ignoring her own. So... Deep breath.
‘You’re right. We will talk later. About everything.’ Turning away, she tried to deny the ache in his eyes, worked hard at pretending this would all work out fine. Because it wouldn’t. Cole loved her. She’d never doubted that. The problem was that it was on his terms, which he didn’t recognise, and so she had to fight for her own.
That moment the rain became a torrent, pouring out of the sky as though a massive bucket had been tipped over the medical centre.
Turning back, she tried not to stare at Cole with hunger, or study the adorable face that followed her to sleep every night; tried to deny the heat unfurling in her belly. ‘You’d better come inside while I finish up. You’ll drown trying to reach the pub.’ Cole was right before her, and she couldn’t leap into his arms for fear of never stepping out of them again. She’d missed him so much it hurt with every breath. Somehow she was managing to hold back, fighting against herself for herself. ‘Come in.’
‘Thanks.’ He stepped up behind her, putting all her senses on alert, making her skin tingle with a familiar need.
Pushing open the door, she quickly stepped inside and surprised herself by smiling. This was a temporary job; filling in for a nurse on her final month of maternity leave. She was in familiar territory, with family and friends to call on when everything got on top of her. Since starting to look into start-up plans, the reality of owning and managing an agency hit hard at unguarded moments. This being strong didn’t come naturally. Doubts crept in. Was it worth giving up her marriage to own a business? She’d lost count of how many times she’d told herself that wasn’t what this was all about, that she was looking out for herself. And Cole, if he accepted what she was doing. Because if she was happier then surely he would be too.
One of the practice doctors approached.
‘Vicki, I’ve been listening in on the emergency frequency. There’s flooding north of the city, nothing major at the moment, but who knows what’ll happen if this rain continues to get heavier over the coming hours, as it’s forecast to do.’ Joe paused and glanced behind her.
She turned to make the introductions. ‘This is my...’ Stop. Start again. ‘Cole Halliday—Joe Burrows.’
Grief flared in Cole’s eyes, blinked away as he reached to shake hands with her current boss. ‘Pleased to meet you. I got here just in time. They were talking about closing the airport when my flight landed.’
Joe nodded. ‘I’m not surprised. The reports are getting worse by the hour.’ He looked to her. ‘You’d better get home while you can, otherwise you might find yourselves holed up somewhere in town.’
At least then they wouldn’t be stuck in the house, just the two of them, trying to be friendly while working through the problems they faced. Though hotel rooms weren’t known for their spaciousness. Better the house. More rooms.
&
nbsp; ‘I’ve still got two patients to come.’ It wouldn’t be fair to leave someone else to cover for her when everyone was anxious to go home as soon as they could.
‘I’ll see to them. If they turn up. The cancellations have escalated since lunch time.’
She couldn’t find it in her to argue. ‘Right, thanks. It’ll be a slow trip as it is. Jack said more people than usual were heading out of town when he and Barbara came in. The schools closed at midday.’ She couldn’t put off spending time alone with Cole any longer. Did she really want to? In all honesty, no. The time had arrived to talk and make some decisions. ‘I’ll grab my gear.’
‘Take one of the emergency kits in case you’re needed to help someone at Palm Beach,’ Joe said, before turning to Cole. ‘You’re a doctor, aren’t you?’
‘Yes, I am, so no issues with administering drugs if required should we get called to an emergency.’
‘Great. If there’s an accident it might be a problem for emergency services to reach the scene in this weather.’
‘There were a lot of frustrated drivers doing some damned silly things on the road in from the airport so anything’s likely.’
Vicki interrupted the men. They were getting comfortable with each other. She didn’t want that. This was her territory and Cole getting cosy only made it harder to keep him at arm’s length. ‘No need to take a kit from here. Dad’s got a full drugs cabinet and the storeroom was topped up with everything you could think of before he and Mum left on their road trip.’ These days her dad ran a small clinic at home when he wasn’t tripping around in the campervan with Mum so she could take numerous photos for the paintings she hoped would re-establish herself as an artist. Right now they were in Western Australia. ‘Keep yours here in case it’s needed elsewhere.’