by Sue MacKay
The phone rang. She stared at it. Was it Cole? No, it wouldn’t be. Hope rose, fell, rose higher, like a wave in a storm. Reaching for the instrument, she picked it up, stared at the screen. Her heart soared. Cole. Pressing the button, she banged the phone against her ear. ‘Hey, I’m sorry. So, so sorry.’ Like it was her fault. Who knew? Maybe it was.
‘Sweetheart, is it true?’
‘Why wouldn’t it be?’ As if she’d make up something like that.
‘I didn’t want to believe your message. Are you all right? I hope you’re not alone.’
Her eyes widened. Cole wasn’t exactly spilling his heart with support and love. Was she all right? ‘No, I’m not all right,’ she snapped through her tears. ‘I’m with Molly and Nathan, at their place,’ she added.
‘That’s good. They’ll take care of you.’ He really was a barrel of comforting words.
‘They can’t replace you. It’s your arms I long for. It’s you I need to hug and cry with, not our friends.’ Didn’t he get it? They were a couple. They shared everything.
‘Unfortunately, there’s not a thing I can do about it. The CO won’t let me go at the moment. There’s a mission starting tomorrow we’ve been preparing for that requires everyone on board,’ he explained. ‘It will take all our resources to pull it off.’
‘Cole, I’ve miscarried. I don’t care about your mission.’ Had they drifted so far apart that they couldn’t connect over this? She didn’t want to believe that. She loved Cole more than anyone, anything. Yet nothing about their relationship felt safe any more. It was as though she lived in a dark box and only came out when he was back in Sydney, when it suited the army to let him have time off. He’d chosen to sign up, never really explaining why, always fobbing her off when she asked, which irked, but as usual she’d let it go rather than start an argument.
‘Hang in there, sweetheart. I am getting out at the end of my contract.’
That’s for ever.
She swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth. She’d have to find it within her to see out the days and weeks. ‘Are you certain?’ Because if he changed his mind she’d never cope. ‘You don’t always tell me everything.’ There were things he never discussed, especially about his youth. Sometimes, when it got too much for him, he’d spill his anguish over some of the tragedies he’d seen with the army. She’d listen, try to console him, and he’d pull himself together. Once he’d told her she was the strongest woman he knew for taking him on. Maybe it had been Cole’s love for her speaking, because she hadn’t been that tough, though over the past year she’d tried to improve. Or so she’d thought. Today she was floundering.
‘I’m telling you I’m leaving the army. I will not have a second crack at it. I’ve done what I set out to do. I want to be with you, Vicki. More than occasionally.’
Her heart swelled with love. That was what she’d waited to hear for so long.
‘We just have to get through the next year.’
Her relief deflated like a pricked balloon at that reminder. It seemed so long. Time interspersed with occasional visits when they’d make love and laugh. Not a lot of talking happened, and then she’d go back to that box. ‘Then what will you do?’
‘It’s too soon to decide.’
Once again he wasn’t telling her anything. He must have been considering his next move. Cole didn’t make major changes without thinking everything through thoroughly. Fresh pain engulfed her. Where was his love? Not in his voice or words. All hope of him comforting her was deflated; left her cold and drained.
Her mouth dried as she whispered, ‘Cole, I don’t think I can do this any more. I married to be with you, not the wife in the background, available whenever you have a few hours or days to spare. To me, marriage is about having you around whenever my world flips upside down. To be there for you when yours goes haywire. To share everything.’
Oh, hell, what did she mean? Was she walking away from him? For good? Was that what she wanted? No, it wasn’t. She loved him. But she couldn’t continue with the way things were. It was only for another year, but then what? More Cole ideas she was supposed to fit in with? Her patience had gone from thin to non-existent. But? But could she leave Cole? Tough, remember? Lonely, remember? Alone, not lonely. Yeah. Lonely and alone.
‘Vicki, don’t say that.’ Panic flared in his voice. ‘Please, don’t, sweetheart. I know you’re going through hell right now, but I’m here for you. You know that.’
‘No, you’re not. You haven’t been here anytime I’ve needed you.’
Stop it, Vicki.
This was a conversation for when they were together, not over a phone. Therein lay the problem. When would they be together again? ‘The miscarriage is the last straw. I cannot live always waiting for you to show up. I need fixed plans to work towards, and to follow some of my dreams as well.’
‘Wait, Vicki. We’ll talk. I have to finish this duty. I don’t know when I’ll return to Sydney to see out my time but it will happen.’
‘We’ll talk? Over the phone? That’s great when it’s something as important as our future, as us. As losing our baby.’ Tears flooded down her cheeks. ‘I can’t sit back and wait for you to come home for a face-to-face discussion. I need to see you now.’
‘Sweetheart, you know that can’t happen. It’s impossible.’
‘Exactly.’ Life as she knew it was over. What she had to find out was how to make it unfold in the future. But not today. Today was raw enough without adding to the agony.
* * *
Cole winced as the line went dead. Vicki had hung up on him. After saying she doubted she could carry on with their marriage. Without talking about the miscarriage. A dull throbbing started behind his ribs. Vicki was the love of his life, his first reason for waking up every morning. She could not leave him. She didn’t mean it. She was broken-hearted about their baby. That’s what this was about. She was trying to cope in any way possible.
The pain in her voice had been like nothing he’d heard before, not even when her mother had been so ill no one had believed she’d pull through. Vicki’s pain had got deeper and stronger as she’d talked, adding to his guilt, creating a sense of failure for not being there with her. She needed him. More than anyone. And there was nothing he could do about it. His own pain scudded across his lips in a sigh. Once again he’d hurt one of the most important people in his life.
We’ve lost our baby.
Sharp agony squeezed hard, taking away his ability to breathe. Why was he here, and not with Vicki?
He had chosen this life to meet a promise he had made to his mother when he was seventeen. Along with two close mates and his girlfriend, he’d been accused of the theft of thousands of dollars from a local charity after a fundraising event. Not even his parents had believed him when he’d said he knew nothing about the robbery. All he did remember was the four of them going to the local park late that night where he’d had two beers while cuddling with his girlfriend. The next thing he recalled was waking up alone in his car outside his family’s home.
Many months later, one of his mates had confessed that the girlfriend had put a date drug in Cole’s beer to make him sleep, then had taken his car keys and driven herself and the other two guys to the charity building to steal the money.
The shame of not being aware of what had gone on around him that night and how easily he’d been used hadn’t left him. Only his granddad had stood by him, saying what had happened had changed his life for ever, but he mustn’t let it ruin his future. He had loved him for that more than anything. His mother had lost most of her friends and become stressed and anxious. His father, a criminal lawyer, had hidden behind his work, putting in ever-increasing hours and staying away from home. Even when they’d finally admitted they’d been wrong, his family had never returned to being their easy, loving selves. They’d let him down.
As I have Vicki.
&n
bsp; His gut clenched.
We’ve lost our baby. I’m not there for Vicki.
But he had to be here. It was the promise he’d made to his mother before he’d been exonerated and she’d lain dying in ICU after a massive heart attack. Desperate for her to live, he’d have promised the moon if it would’ve helped. Instead he’d said he’d make her proud by joining the army after he’d become a doctor, which had always been his aspiration. Granddad had been a highly decorated soldier, and Cole had also wanted to show him he was worthy of his belief in his grandson.
That night his mother had passed away, never to see him fulfil his promise, leaving him with a load of remorse nothing would shake. Had the stress from what had happened caused her death? The guilt and shame had stuck to him like glue.
And now this. The baby was gone. Unbelievable. Even to his doctor’s brain it didn’t make sense. It was so unfair. Cole couldn’t find any words to describe his feelings at this moment. In trying to do right by his mother and granddad, he’d let his wife down so much. If only he had a red cape and could fly to her side, hug her, kiss her, promise they’d make it through this latest tragedy—together.
His life had become compartmentalised after he’d been exonerated. Adelaide—the good, bad and downright ugly. Sydney—adulthood, medicine, new friends. Vicki. The army—meeting his promise. Vicki. His love. He groaned. Vicki. What he wouldn’t give to be with her. Right from the beginning of their relationship it had been good having someone believe in him, love him, without having to expose the frankly awful time of his past. Though deep, deep down lay a seed of doubt about that decision not to tell her. But he hadn’t wanted to bring the past into the future with her.
Nathan was the only person he’d told the whole truth to when he’d demanded to know why they couldn’t go to Adelaide for a break and get together with Cole’s friends from school days. Because Nathan held nothing back from him, he’d finally explained. It had been a test of their friendship, one that had never faltered.
Yet he still hadn’t found the courage to tell Vicki. She was a fresh start he hadn’t wanted to taint with the past. She was the precious jewel in his life. He loved her so much sometimes it was almost too much, made him fear he couldn’t get enough of her. Yet here he was in East Timor while she was back in Sydney, needing him desperately.
She’s thinking about leaving you.
She couldn’t. He’d talk to her as soon as he returned to base. She was hurting. Big time. He understood. But leave him? No. She didn’t mean it. She needed time to come to terms with the miscarriage.
Which is why I should be with her, not here.
There wasn’t anything he could do about it. Except go AWOL, and the consequences of that would be worse. So he’d phone every day. It wouldn’t be enough, but it was all he could offer. It would help him to get through this ragged pain caused by the miscarriage. He’d signed up for the army without a backward glance, ignoring the sadness in her eyes, only saying it was a promise he owed. Whenever he’d been home and she’d hinted that it was getting lonely living in their apartment in the middle of such a large city, he’d worked hard to put a smile back on her face and made love to her so she knew he was on her side. And every time he’d gone away again, following orders, using them as an excuse for the life he was living. He’d been utterly selfish.
As he and the men headed back to barracks from their last training exercise before tomorrow’s job, he stared out at the passing scenery of never-ending dirt and dust and crowds of people trying to get by in this area, trying to absorb everything Vicki had said, failing to ignore the ache under his ribs. The miscarriage. Her pain. The life he’d chosen to follow that kept him away from her. The army was like nothing he’d ever known. With the way everyone had to fall into step, dress the same, eat the same, be prepared for anything horrific any time, he didn’t enjoy the life, but once he’d fulfilled his promise he’d be able to get on with the next phase of his life without looking back.
The marriage vows he’d made to Vicki needed acknowledgement. To love and cherish and be there always, through the wonderful and the awful.
Vicki, I am so bloody sorry. We’ve lost our baby and you need me. I need you.
He’d signed up for that, too. Vicki was his future, the army the final nail in his past.
His stomach tightened into a painful ball. Their baby was gone. It had been amazing to learn he was going to be a dad. He’d been stoked, couldn’t wait for it to be born. He’d already imagined playing football, going fishing, having family picnics at the beach with his son or daughter. Family was what it was all about. A loving, caring, believing family. And Vicki, the most amazing woman to have kids with. Now it wasn’t happening.
‘You okay, Captain?’ The driver of their truck had turned to look at him as they drove along the main road out of a village.
No. I’ve never felt worse.
‘All good,’ he lied through gritted teeth. Something large and dark hurtled across the road directly at them. A laden ute. ‘Look out, soldier,’ he snapped.
The driver swore as he wrenched their lumbering vehicle to the right. His reaction might’ve been fast but the other vehicle was faster.
Cole’s butt left the seat, his head punched through the windscreen. Fear tightened his belly. Not now. Not when he needed to be at home. His body was airborne. Air stalled in his lungs. Landing was going to hurt. Or worse, he thought. His fingers gripped his phone as though his life depended on it.
Vicki! I love you. Wait for me.
CHAPTER TWO
‘JACK, BEHAVE. Water will soak that moonboot if you don’t hurry up and get in the car,’ Vicki growled at the man she was trying to help into the passenger seat while he fiddled with the window button, opening and closing the window.
The umbrella she held over them both wasn’t working. Water had found its way through the back of her shirt. At this rate, by the time she returned inside the medical centre she’d be soaked.
‘You’re worse than most toddlers I’ve worked with.’
‘I was one once,’ the middle-aged man grunted, and finally sank onto the seat and lifted his damaged leg inside. ‘Quite the nuisance, I’ve been told.’
‘You don’t have to sound proud of it. You’re not doing yourself any favours thinking you’re one of the world’s heroes who has to be out amongst it all the time.’ Vicki dredged up a smile for the fireman who was temporarily off work thanks to having rolled a quad bike down a slope on his rural property a couple of weeks previously. ‘You’ve got to take things easy.’
‘Boring,’ Jack mock-yawned.
‘You think?’ She shook her head in admonishment at her brother’s friend, before nodding to his wife. ‘Try and keep him out of mischief until those ribs and fractured thigh have had time to knit.’
‘Give me something easy to do.’ Barbara laughed. ‘The moment I turn my back he’ll be heading for his shed and the other quad bike.’
‘I figured.’ She shrugged. ‘Men, eh?’ Hell, she missed hers so much she hardly slept at night after following through on her decision to walk away from her marriage. It hadn’t been easy. When she hadn’t heard from Cole for more than a week after the miscarriage she’d closed in on herself and tried to deal with the agony of losing their baby alone.
Quitting her job at the hospital, unable to stand the sympathy in everyone’s eyes whenever she turned up at work, she’d packed up the apartment and headed north to Cairns and her family, to be surrounded in their care. And the tears kept on coming. She’d never known it was possible to bawl her eyes out so much. There shouldn’t be that much fluid in a person’s body. Still the agony hadn’t abated. Not for her baby or her marriage.
Nothing filled the void that had once been her excitement over being pregnant. Or the empty air between her and Cole. When he’d finally begun phoning, their conversations had been stilted, and the silences, longer every t
ime, had become full of all the things neither seemed able to voice. Eventually, she’d told him they were over and had gone to stay with her sister in London while she made decisions about the future. As if she could decide with all the distressing emotions tugging at her heart.
Cole had gone quiet again. As in not a word by phone or email. The hurt grew. It was so typical of him not to talk about the important stuff. It was the main reason she’d left him. There’d be no more waiting around, ready to put everything on hold whenever he came home, and then go back to a kind of single life when he left again. That was over. Even when he got out of the army she’d still be that wife, trying to keep him happy all the time and putting herself on hold for the foreseeable future. Like her mum had done, first for her dad and then for her and her siblings.
Warmth stole through Vicki as she remembered presenting Mum with an easel and painting equipment. Mum’s shock, the delight followed by excitement had said it all.
‘You wouldn’t want a wuss for a husband.’ Jack grinned at Barbara around a groan as he settled further onto the seat.
Vicki shivered. She hadn’t had one either. Cole was a tough guy who never showed pain or hurt. Too much so. If only he could’ve relented a little and stopped being so strong, they might not be about to spend the weekend together, finalising the dissolution of their marriage. His attitude was a mask he didn’t drop even for her. Which wasn’t right.
There weren’t supposed to be any secrets between them, yet more and more she’d started seeing there were. He’d never explained why he’d needed to sign up for the military, just muttered something about keeping a promise. She’d asked for more information—often—and been fobbed off every time.
But were they really over? It felt like it. It had done for months, if not longer, when she thought about how she hadn’t recognised the loneliness and need to fill her time with anything for what it really was.
The recent months spent mostly travelling while trying to side-track herself from the mess that had become her life hadn’t been easy but at least now she was working to find her feet again, beginning with making the goal of her own nursing agency a reality. The idea held the promise of something exciting, something to hold onto and gain strength from her efforts.