Somewhere Only We Know .......

by Leanne Burn

  Any feelings of guilt I had were shoved to the back of my mind, how many times had Keith done this with some woman or girl, I had justification for this.

  Michael pushed me back on the bed. He pulled his tee shirt off and I gasped when I saw his toned and muscled chest, his tattoos and the sprinkling of hair running up from his jeans. The years of alcohol abuse had taken its toll on Keith’s body, he was puny and spotty and his skin always looked sallow. I licked my lips in anticipation and a familiar throb started between my legs. As Michael bent down towards me I heard him gasp. I looked at his face, he was frowning.

  Oh God he finds me repulsive, it’s the stretch marks, I should have left my top on I said to myself.

  Before I knew what was happening, he jumped off the bed and switched on the light. I sat up and pulled my knees up to my chest. How fucking humiliating was this, surely he knew what my body would be like, I had had two kids, he wasn’t that naïve for God‘s Sake?

  “Caroline, what the fuck has happened to you?” he shouted. I looked at him, not understanding what he was saying. “I’m sorry, I’ve had babies, they are stretch marks, I thought you would have known!” “I’m not on about your stretch marks Caroline, I’m on about the fucking bruises! Did he do this to you?” The bruises??? Bruises!!!! My bruises…..

  They were just a part of me, how bad was that, because they were there almost all of the time I didn’t see them anymore. “Throw this on, I’m going to get us a drink and get you your cigarettes” he said.

  When he returned I was sitting on the edge of his bed fully dressed.

  He handed me a glass of white wine and put my cigarettes and an ashtray down beside me. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but did he do this to you?” I took a gulp of wine. “Yes”.I told him bits about my life with Keith, not everything and not as much as I had told Karen. But enough for him to get angry. I told him about the house and that I was leaving Keith in a matter of weeks. I didn’t cry, I was back into the 3rd person scenario again. I felt sorry for Michael as he sat in front of me taking it all in. He was a ladies man, used to women falling at his feet, taking what he wanted and moving on. No emotional attachment. And here I sat raw,

  beaten and needy. He should have ran for the hills. But he didn’t, we finished our drinks, he kissed me and then he took me home, well almost home. I assured him I would be okay and he said he would see me on Monday.

  The lights were on in the house so I knew Keith was home. I let myself in and crept into the living room. I needn’t have bothered with the creeping. Bon Jovi was blasting out of the stereo and Keith was asleep on the settee, empty beer cans and a wine bottle on the floor beside him.

  I lay in bed and tossed and turned. So much had happened in one night. I had somewhere to go to, all be it a relic from Beamish Museum but I could make it into a home and I had almost been seduced by the office Lothario. Trust Keith to scupper that one for me too.

  I must have eventually fell asleep but woke when a sharp pain shot through my head. I tried to get my befuddled brain into gear, as I became more alert, I realised the pain in my head was because Keith was dragging me out of bed by my hair. I was on the bedroom floor before I knew it and when the kicks started raining in on me I curled up into a ball. If I lie still he will wear himself out and stop I thought to myself. But he kept on going, kicking my back and my legs. It stopped and I heard the sobbing begin. At first I thought it was me, but it was Keith, sitting in the doorway rocking back and forth and full of remorse and feeling sorry for himself. My heart hardened some more.

  As I uncurled myself and stretched out I looked at him. He was beyond my pity. If I had had a single doubt about leaving him it was gone now. I had done nothing wrong. I hadn’t not cooked him the right tea, or had unaccounted miles on my car or watched the telly instead of paying him my full attention. I had done nothing to warrant his attack on me. He was a pathetic drunk.

  I’m Going To Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair

  For the next two and a half weeks I scurried around like a squirrel. I had lists on top of lists in my handbag. I couldn’t pack anything because Keith was at home, but I made lists about the things I needed to pack and I made lists about the things I needed to do and I made lists about the things I needed to buy. Michael was as good as his word, he popped into my office every day for a chat and on the day before I was due to move out he took me out for a lunch. It was

  nice to switch off for an hour. My head was in bits, but Michael kept up the conversation with tales of where he had been and what he had been doing. By the end of lunch I was feeling better and when we pulled up into the office car park I didn’t hesitate to lean over and kiss him on the cheek.

  I had arranged for my mam and dad to have the kids for the day I left and to keep them over night. They doted on their grandchildren and were only too pleased. They didn’t ask why, I think that they thought me and Keith wanted some private time. I had taken the day off work and Karen had dropped the keys off for the house at work for me the day before.

  I still hadn’t decided how I would tell Keith. I thought that it would be easier getting my stuff out first and then meet him to tell him the news. As it turned out it didn’t work out like that. I had been packing bags and boxes all morning. I stacked everything at the back door ready to load into the car. I had almost everything I needed from upstairs and was on my way down the stairs to start in the living room when I heard a commotion. I rushed to the kitchen and there was Keith throwing everything into the back yard.

  “So you are leaving are you you fucking bitch” he screamed. The back door was open and I thought to myself so much for leaving with a bit of dignity. He continued throwing the boxes and bags into the yard. I let him, it was pointless trying to fight with him. When everything had gone from back door he came storming into the house.

  “I asked you a question you cunt” he snarled. “Are you leaving me?” “Yes, yes I am. I am taking the kids and I am going, I can’t do this anymore”. I waited for the attack. It didn’t happen. He switched on the kettle and took two cups off the mug tree. “Coffee?” “Yes please”, I said sitting down at the dining room table. I wasn’t expecting this.

  He brought the coffee over and sat down opposite me. “I don’t blame you Caz, I have been a total bastard and I’m surprised you didn’t leave me months and months ago.” “I’ve tried, I’ve tried and tried to make this work, I’ve given you chance after chance and it isn’t getting any better”. I answered.

  “You aren’t going to your mam and dads’ are you?” “No, I’m renting somewhere for a little while, it’s basic but it will do”, I replied. “I can’t stop you Caz, take what you need, but please don’t stop me seeing the kids”. “I would never do that, you know that”. “Take what you need, I’ll get myself out for a bit and let you get on”. I couldn’t look at him, I was breaking his heart, but I couldn’t stay. He got up from the table and quietly left.

  I sat at the table, my legs felt like lead, but I needed to get on. I went outside and packed the bags and boxes that had been thrown around the yard. I grabbed a few more things to fill the car and took the first load along. The house smelt damp and after dumping all the stuff out of the car into the hall I went around and opened all of the windows.

  On the way back along home I called to see my Granny. I gave her a quick run-down on what was happening, I felt terrible, I had taken the wind out of her sales and as she sat in her chair she seemed to age in front of me. “I’ll be okay,” I assured her. But she was worried and when I told her my mam and dad didn’t have a clue she started to cry.

  I felt terrible leaving her, but I didn’t have much time. I promised that I would call along and have some tea with her when I got my stuff out the house, but when I saw her put her coat on to come with me I fled. It was no job for an 80 year old.

  Back at the house I dismantled Bethany’s cot, I took one of the portable tellys and a cd player. There was still Thomas’s bed but I couldn’t
take it this time. I made another journey to the new house and once again unloaded the car. I was exhausted. One more trip should do it. It was almost tea time, I had been on the go since first thing this morning and in my emotional state my energy levels were dropping.

  I let myself into the house for the last time. It was eerily quiet already, it seemed to have lost its heart. As I made my way towards the stairs Keith came bounding out of the living room. “Get out, get out of here your dirty slut”. He was drunk. I wasn’t going to hang around to get a smack, so I turned and walked towards the back door.

  “I know all about your fancy man, you are nothing but a whore. You’re a whore and a cunt”. I just kept on walking. “You had the bastard pick you up from here, you are a total fucking piss take, get the fuck out”.

  As I opened the back door I was shaking. I was shaking so much I struggled to start the car. He must have gone straight to our local, I thought to myself. This village! Someone must have broken their neck to tell him about Michael. I had done nothing wrong, I hadn’t slept with anyone, I hadn’t beaten anyone and I hadn’t hurt anyone.

  As I pulled up outside the new house, the tears that hadn’t come all day put in an appearance. Sobbing I ran into the house. The place was a tip. Pull yourself together, you need to make this place habitable for the kids coming, and I’d promised my Granny I would go back along. It would kill her if she saw what sort of state I was in. “Head down, backside up, this was your choice,” I said to myself as I grabbed bits of Bethany’s cot and made my way upstairs.

  When I went to pick up the kids in the morning, Keith had already been along and done a job on my mam and dad. “How could you have done this Caroline?” were my mam’s first words to me. “Keith works so hard for you and the children and look how you have repaid him, by having an affair.” I said nothing. My dad said nothing. “You always manage to let us down don’t you?” my mam went on. “I don’t want to argue with you mam, you have obviously spoken to Keith!” “And your Granny rang worried sick, she’s old Caroline you have no right going around there winding her up”.

  I sorted the kids’ things out, told my mam where I was going to be living and left. We went back to the new house. It was still a tip but I had managed to make the living room safe and clean for the kids, I had their toy box out ready for them and they soon had the floor covered in toys. It wasn’t home but it was the best I could do.

  Karen popped in with Charlotte for a little while. We drank coffee and ate biscuits. “I know it isn’t ideal, but at least you are safe here, it will give you a chance to catch your breath” said Karen. “You have no idea how grateful I am Karen, I will always be in your debt. It just all feels strange, but give me a month or so and I’ll be fine”.

  When Karen left with Charlotte, I locked the front door. I was on my own now. I bathed the kids and put Bethany down in her cot. Thomas wouldn’t settle. I didn’t have a bed for him so he would have to sleep with me in my room, until I went up I would let him sleep on the settee. We lay on the settee watching the little telly in the corner. Thomas fell asleep but I continued to cuddle him in. I knew at that point that I was all the kids would have now. Somehow some second sight said that Keith wouldn’t be around much. Carefully carrying Thomas upstairs, I lay him on my bed. Bethany’s cot was in the corner of my room, I wanted us all together. As I lay in the darkness in the strange house I listened to the kid’s breathing. Bethany was gently snoring, Thomas had a bit of a cold and his nose was making a whistling sound. Their noises lulled me to sleep and for the first time in ages I had a good night’s sleep.

  I didn’t see much of anyone over the next few weeks. My mam and dad stayed away, I had disappointed them again and when I phoned them they were cool and distant. They still saw the kids, they would pick them up from the child-minders and then return them to me later on. They never came into the house, I either had to go out to the car or they would stay at the front door, I didn’t push them.

  I went to my Granny’s, she was happier that I was getting some colour into my cheeks. I told her I would have her along for tea as soon as I had the house into some sort of semblance.

  Karen called for a coffee and a chat every few days. She was so supportive. Slowly, over our chats, I told her about my relationship with Keith. She was shocked at what I had put up with and struggled to believe that the charming Keith could be so cruel.

  I saw Michael when I was at work. He brought coffee into my office but we always kept the conversation light. I told him that Keith knew he had picked me and the kids up from the house, he wasn’t fazed. He had a new girlfriend, Gill, she was an air hostess and fit by all accounts. He made me laugh because he said she was just a fill in until I was ready.

  Keith rang me at work a few times. He started out as nice as pie but then turned nasty. He told me he knew who I was seeing and he had arranged for someone to blow off his knee caps. I told Michael but he just laughed.

  When Keith rang me at work about a month after we had split up and asked if he could see the kids I agreed. I gave him my address and arranged for him to pick them up on the Saturday morning. I had to do it, he was their dad.

  He turned up on time, was charming, over the moon at seeing the kids and I had no hesitation in giving him the house number in case he needed me. We agreed he could have them for 4 hours.

  I cleaned and tidied when they were away. The bathroom was covered in mildew so I scrubbed and I bleached. I listened for the phone but it remained silent. At 2pm on the dot the doorbell rang and he was back. I smiled at him, thankful that he hadn’t taken the opportunity to wind me up. We agreed to have the same arrangement the following Saturday.

  So I settled into a routine. The house was looking and smelling better. The kids had settled. I still hadn’t seen my mam and dad properly but I had hope that time would heal the rift. Michael and his girlfriend finished, he couldn’t get his head around why she would dump him for a pilot. I felt so sorry for him, (not) and I agreed to go on another date with him.

  Karen offered to have the kids overnight. It was a Thursday so I decided that I wouldn’t have a drink and drive. I told Karen I would collect them early and take them to the child-minders before I went to work.

  I spent ages getting ready, it had been a long time since I had been on a date and Michael had been so good to me, I wanted to look my best. I picked Michael up from his and we made our way into Newcastle. I had booked a table at a lovely restaurant on the Quayside and as we ate the conversation flowed. Michael was excellent company, he was at ease around women and knew how to make you feel special. At the end of the night when I went to drop him off I decided that maybe we should finish what we started.

  This time when we made our way into the bedroom it was me who took the lead. I undressed him and made him watch as I slowly stripped out of my dress. I stood in front of him in my bra and knickers, I was wearing stocking and suspenders and decided that I would keep my heels on. This time I didn’t care about my stretch marks, I had no bruises to distract him, I felt sexy and desirable and my actions confirmed this.

  Leaning over I took his cock into my mouth. I licked and I sucked and I teased him. When I thought that he was on the verge of coming I stood up, slipped off my knickers and straddled him. I sat on his face and told him to lick me. He did exactly as he was told and as a reward I bent forward and popped his cock back into my mouth. It was hard to say who came first, I don’t know if he set me off or vice versa, but as we 69’nd we came into each other’s mouths.

  “Fuck me, Caroline” he said. “I wasn’t expecting that”. Laughing I told him I was full of surprises. We lay on the bed, chatting about nothing. He told me that he had fancied me from the moment he saw me, even in my pregnant state. He said that he fancied me more when he got to know me. I told him I was flattered, he had the pick of any lass and he wanted me. As we lay there I ran my hand up and down his legs, when his cock sprang into life I started to wank him. I did this for as long as I could, but I couldn’t resi
st straddling him, as if by magic Michael produced a condom, rolled it onto his cock, pushed his cock into my gapping pussy and rode him to another orgasm.

  As I drove home later, I couldn’t believe how forward I had been. But it had been fun. It was nice to give myself to someone instead of someone just taking it. For the next few weeks me and Michael met up whenever we could. We were like teenagers, we couldn’t get enough. Anytime any place anywhere. It was fun while it lasted, but Michael wasn’t the settling down kind, I had kids and we were a package deal. I think if Michael could just have had me we would have made a go at it, but no matter how much I felt for Michael, I would never give the kids up. He told me I was the best shag he had ever had and I liked to believe I was, but then my life took another dive and my fun with Michael was over.

  Don’t Look Back in Anger

  The Saturdays were working out well for Keith and the kids. As I grew in confidence that he could look after the kids while he had them, I started to venture to the shops while they were away. The weekly shop was so much quicker and easier without two small kids on tow.

  One Saturday towards the end of August, I sat waiting for Keith to turn up. When it got to be that he was an hour late I rang him. He apologised, said that he wouldn’t be able to get them, there had been some meeting arranged at work and he had to go, the clients were expecting to be wined and dined around Newcastle after the meeting. I assured him it was fine and I filled the rest of the day in shopping and sorting the house out.