Somewhere Only We Know .......

by Leanne Burn

  I looked at Keith, “Go, just go Keith, I don’t want you here”. Tears started to fall down his cheeks. “I thought I had had a nightmare Caz, tell me I didn’t do that to you.” I said nothing, just continued to stare at him. “Please say I didn’t do this …………… “For the first time since he came in I notice he was carrying something; plants, he had plants in his hands, 3 of them, all in little pots.

  Keith just stood there. I could hear Thomas banging on his gate. I would have to go and get him, he was making a bit of a hullabaloo, probably because he could hear his daddy’s voice. “go and put the kettle on Keith, Bethany is in the living room having some breakfast, I’m going up to get Thomas.”

  I made my way upstairs grabbing Thomas as I went past. I quickly threw on some clothes, I didn’t think that Keith was any kind of threat to me, but I would feel more confident if I was fully dressed. Returning downstairs, Keith had made coffee and was sitting on the settee with Bethany. I handed Thomas over to him and as he sat with our children I said, “do you remember what else you did to me last night Keith?” “Yes”, he answered not looking at me. “Is that why you brought me those 3 plants, one for each time you raped me?” I snarled. “Don’t say that Caz, don’t say I did that to you!” “But you did Keith, look at the state of me”. He said nothing. I looked up at him and the tears were back. “I’ll go and hand myself in to the police, I’m surprised you haven’t had me arrested already!” “It ends here Keith.

  Because of these two, I’m ending it here.” He put the kids down on the floor and passed them their toy box, he continued to cry. I felt nothing for him, no love, no pity, no fear, nothing. But he was the father of my children. If I hated him then if I saw anything of him in Thomas and Bethany then I feared that I would hate that part of them too, and I didn’t want that. I passed him his coffee.

  “Keith look at me, look what you have done to me, this is the end of us, I don’t love you anymore. You were out of control last night, I thought that you were going to kill me. But it wasn’t just last night, you have been abusing me for years and I don’t think that I’ve deserved it. You have to leave me alone now. You can see the kids and obviously I am going to have to have support with them, I still want you to be a part of their lives, but not mine Keith. I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t even want to look at you. Do you understand?”

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I don’t know what else to say, I’ll do whatever you ask”. He whimpered. “I want you to go now”. He stood and went over to where the kids were playing and kissed each of them on the top of the head. “Don’t” I said as he made to come over to me. “Go”.

  I heard the door close and as it did the tears came. I let the sobs take over my body. Eventually I couldn’t cry anymore. I went into the kitchen and splashed my face with cold water, I put some cereal into bowls and some bread into the toaster, “Breakfast” I shouted, I was back in mammy mode.

  Later in the day while the kids napped I picked up the phone. I dialled the number and when it was answered I said “Gran, it’s me, can you come along for a bit”.

  She was there in 20 minutes. When she saw the state of me I had to help her to a seat. Quietly I told her what had happened, I didn’t cry but she did. I explained that I wasn’t going to be pressing charges and I told her the reasons why. I think she understood, she held my hand, but when she suggested I rang my mam I said a definite no, that wouldn’t be happening. I didn’t want anyone else to know.

  Hannah Hunter cuddled me, just like she did when I was a little girl, it was the only therapy I needed. I woke the kids and we all sat and had some tea together. She wanted to stay the night, but I wouldn’t let her. She said she would be back in the morning and to ring if I needed her. At the door I clung to her. I loved her so much, she was the one person in my life I could always rely on, but as she walked along the path towards her own house I was suddenly racked with guilt. I shouldn’t have put all that on her. She seemed to be more stooped than she was when she came. My heart broke for her.

  The telephone rang. Michael, full of the lads’ only holiday he had just had in Benidorm. We had still been seeing each other regularly, but I had commitments so we just sort of went with the flow and I knew he saw other people. I had already decided that there was no way I could go to work that week, too many questions and too many explanations, I didn’t have the energy for it. So I told Michael I thought I had a virus and was feeling really under the weather. He agreed that I maybe should have a few days off work. Promising I’d keep in touch he rang off.

  I picked up the phone and rang my child-minder, giving her the same excuse I told her I would ring again in a couple of days.

  Just as I put the phone down it started ringing again. Keith. Drunk. I listened while he did the whole apology thing, then I listened some more when his tone turned nasty because I wasn’t responding like he thought I should but when he began to say that I had better watch myself and that he would be coming along to kill me sometime soon I hung up. I wasn’t sure if it was the drink talking or if he meant it. I rechecked all the doors, went upstairs and collected Bethany from her cot and put her on the settee with Thomas. I had no telly to watch and noting to listen to, so I switched off the lights and snuggled under the duvet with the kids. At least if I was downstairs I would hear him if he started mooching about and the phone was at hand to dial 999.

  But he didn’t come.

  We are Family!

  I called in sick the next morning. For the next 7 days I didn’t leave the house. My Granny came every day, she would bring us shepherd’s pies and roast dinners, already plated up and just ready to reheat. She sat with me while I dozed on the settee, exhausted by the whole nightmare. She picked up any odd and ends I needed. She kept my confidence and she loved me. My Granny was everything I needed.

  Karen rang, she wasn’t believing anything I tried to tell her about being poorly and when she tuned up on my doorstep a few hours after the phone call I wasn’t surprised. She brought Charlotte with her and Thomas and Bethany were delighted to have a playmate, I think they were going as stir crazy as I was. Karen took one look at me and went upstairs to run me a bath. It was all deep and full of bubbles and she said she didn’t want to see me for at least half an

  hour. When I went back downstairs, she had tidied around, had the big bag of mega bricks out for the kids who were all happily playing in the middle of the living room floor and she had a cup of coffee ready for me.

  We stood in the kitchen and I told her everything that had happened. At first she was furious that I hadn’t called the police, then she was furious I hadn’t called her but as her anger dampened down she understood. She understood why I didn’t want all my dirty washing paraded around the village for all to see. She understood that I couldn’t do it to Thomas and Bethany, what good would it have done them. I had been brought up in this village a bastard and it had never been forgotten. If their dad was a convicted rapist then this too would follow the kids around and they would never be allowed to forget it.

  Karen asked if she could borrow the phone. I heard her talking in the living room but couldn’t make out what she was saying. Returning to the kitchen she said Dave would be along in ten minutes.

  A look of panic must have crossed my face because she said “Caroline its fine, you don’t have to see him, he’ll be here 10 minutes and then I’ll chase him, you don’t even need to see him.”

  When his car pulled up a few minutes later she chased me upstairs. I tidied around the bedroom and when she called me downstairs quarter of an hour or so later, I burst into tears. Dave had installed a portable telly. It was much nicer than the one I had and there was also a video player and a hi-fi. I cuddled Karen, it was just so thoughtful. There was also a spare phone which she insisted I plugged into the bedroom extension so we didn’t have to sleep on the settee.

  I clung to Karen when she was leaving. I thanked her for being so thoughtful. She laughed and said that if I was going to be holed in for t
he next week or so the least she could do was provide me and the kids some entertainment. But she made me promise that if I needed her I would call and that included any signs of Keith.

  The telly made things so much more bearable that week, but the days still dragged on. I was so used to rushing here and there I struggled not doing much. I needed the healing time though and as the days wore on I started to think about the future. I knew that this house was only temporary so once I was feeling better I would sit down and work out my options. I decided I wouldn’t go far, my family were here and my child-minder and it wasn’t far to work.

  A knock on the door on the Thursday night sent me into a frenzy. I sat still not knowing whether to answer it or not. When my name was shouted through the letter box I visibly relaxed, it wasn’t Keith. But it was Michael. Still I sat, “Caroline open the door, tall dark handsome stranger on your doorstep”. I laughed, maybe for the first time that week I laughed properly. “Here goes” I thought to myself.

  Opening the door, Michael stood rooted. My face wasn’t half as bad as it was, but it still wasn’t pretty. “Come on in then”, I smiled at him.

  He followed me into the kitchen and as an automatic gesture when people called, I switched the kettle on. “What the fuck Caz, this is why you aren’t at work! That bastard did this to you didn’t he?” “Yes, Michael he did, but I can’t talk about it, I need to forget”.

  “No problem, I understand” he said. But I didn’t think he did, this was way beyond anything he could handle. “What’s your poison??” “I don’t fancy a drink Michael, sorry but you have something, I think there’s some lager in the fridge”. “Chinese, Indians, good old fish and chips?” he said. I laughed. “A madras would be good” I replied.

  We sat in the dining room eating our Indians. The conversation was light, work, his nights out and the kids. It was nice to switch off.

  When he was leaving he kissed me gently on the lips. I smiled up at him and told him to take good care of himself. “You are still number 1, and out of the hundreds that is quite a trophy”. “Thank you so much, I take it as a great compliment.” and I did.

  When he left I knew that we were over. He knew what had happened to me, he watched me wince as I sat down on the hard dining room chair. He knew and I didn’t blame him for opting out. I really liked him and would miss him. I had left Keith because of him. Not for him, that was never going to happen, I had always known that, but because of him. Because he made me feel wanted and cherished. He restored my faith in men a bit, showed me what a normal relationship could be like and for that he would always have a place in my heart.

  The other unlikely visitors I got that week were my mam and dad. I had rang them at the beginning of the week and told them I wasn’t feeling too good. When on the Friday teatime they were at my door I had no choice but to let them in. My mam was crying as she came through the door and I looked at her puzzled. They sat in the living room playing with Thomas and Bethany while I did the customary coffee.

  “Your dad has been talking to Keith” my mam said as I carried the coffee into the living room. “He bumped into him in the paper shop and invited him for tea last night. Why didn’t you ring us Caroline?”. “I don’t understand mam, what do you mean?”

  “Well, when Keith came last night, I think that he thought that you had told us what had happened. After he had had a few drinks he started saying sorry. I was in the kitchen washing up but when I went back in Keith was working himself into a state and your dad was sitting not knowing what was going on. Anyway to cut a long story short, he told us what he had done to you last weekend. Well not just last weekend, for the majority of your marriage. Why didn’t you tell us Caroline, were we that hard to talk to? All this time and you couldn’t say, you even let us fall out with you because you left him. I don’t understand you Caroline, why would you let us have sympathy for Keith when all the time it was him being the bastard.”

  My dad had been quiet up until then. “Look at the state of you sweetheart, how could he do this to you. When he started last night I was going to ring the police, in fact no I didn’t want to ring the police I wanted to beat him to a pulp. I can’t forgive myself for this Caroline. I am sorry”.

  “It doesn’t matter. I couldn’t say anything because I was so ashamed of myself. I thought I had done something to deserve it. I know I shouldn’t have got involved with Michael but he was a way out and no before you ask I’m not with him now. There is just me and the kids and that’s the way I want it to stay, I need to be on my own for a while. I need time to heal myself”.

  My mam came over and wrapped me in her arms. I stiffened, this hadn’t happened very often. And all of a sudden I felt tired. Bone weary. “Come home with us for a couple of days, let us look after you and the kids.” my dad said.

  “Your Granny knows doesn’t she?” my mam went on before I had chance to answer my dad. “Yes mam she does, I didn’t know who else to call and she has been so good”. “I thought she did, I caught her buying cigarettes the other day, I didn’t say anything but she couldn’t get them stuffed in the pocket quick enough” my mam laughed. “Well she didn’t say anything to us, even though it must have been killing her. I tell you what we’ll do. You go and get some stuff packed for you and the kids, me and your dad will go and call and see your Granny and then we’ll pick you back up in an hour or so. Please Caroline let us do this for you!!!” “Okay mam, thank you.”

  So for the next 7 or 8 days I stayed at my mam and dads. They fussed and loved me and the kids. My Granny called often and it was lovely to sit around the dining table and have family meals. I slept soundly knowing that I was safe and that if Thomas or Bethany woke they would be cared for.

  I went to the doctors on my mam’s insistence and got a sick note. When at the end of the 2nd week my cuts and bruises still hadn’t faded enough, I decided that I had better have another week. The doctor didn’t ask any questions, but asked if I would like to see a counsellor or have a course of anti-depressants, I refused both but promised I would return if I thought I wasn’t handling things well.

  I returned home and enjoyed the time I had with the kids. We played in the garden and had little picnics. Karen called and Michael rang but there was no sign of Keith.

  Going back to work, it felt strange because my friend Jenny had left on maternity leave whilst I had been off and I got a bigger shock when Michael came into my office and said that he was leaving for a better job in Newcastle. I would miss him, but it was probably for the best, we had had some fun times but I think he was probably more fond of me than he let on. When he left the following week I had a little cry.

  After the presentation of his leaving present he had gone around the room and kissed and cuddled everyone, when he got to me he clung on tight and whispered in my ear “you will always be number 1 Caroline, no one will ever top you and don‘t forget we have to stay in touch, I’ve still got Moby Fish and he belongs to both of us”. I laughed but I decided I would give his leaving do a miss.

  My life settled back into routine. If anyone noticed the faded bruises they didn’t say anything and for that I was grateful.

  The family still fussed and everyday one of them popped to see me. Karen rang and called regularly and I started to relax and breathe again. I decorated the house. It was maybe a bit of a pointless task but it was therapeutic for me and even if I didn’t stay there much longer it would save Karen’s family the job. I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do about a home for me and the kids. A phone call one Friday afternoon decided it for me.

  Money Money Money

  Keith rang me at work. It was the first time I had heard his voice for weeks and my stomach dropped when I heard it. He asked how me and the kids were, he had made no effort to see them since the Sunday of the plants and I thought that that was why he was ringing me now.

  “I’m moving away Caz” he went on “do you want the house?” “Yes” I stammered back into the phone. “Good good, well I need some money
to start up again, I can’t leave with nothing, so if you give me £5,000 I’ll get my name taken off the mortgage and the house is all yours”. “I’ll see what I can do, but you know I haven’t got any money” I said in reply. “Well hurry up and make your mind up otherwise we’ll have to put it on the market”. He rang off.

  On the way back from the child-minders I called at my mam and dad’s and told them what had happened. “Well at least you know he is going” my dad said. “And it’s your home, you’ve done a good job with what you are in now, but that’s a nice little house you bought isn’t it? Look, me and your mam have a bit saved, we’ll lend you the £5,000 until you are back on your feet”. My mam agreed. “And to be honest there wouldn’t be a lot of profit in the house if you did sell it and then there would be all the legal costs”. It all made sense. I picked up the phone and left Keith a message on his home phone.

  When he called me back later that night, he was smug. I was buying him out of my own house and he was laughing, where was the Keith I had met? This wasn’t him, he shouldn’t have wanted a anything off me, this house was going to be his children’s home and since I had left he hadn’t even bothered giving me a penny.

  We arranged that I would get the house back at the end of the month, 2 weeks away. I called Karen and told her the news, she said she would let the family know, her Auntie Maude would need long term around the clock care so the house was being sold to pay for it. I told her to thank the family, I had only been there a matter of months but it had been a huge help to me and the kids.

  This time on moving day I wasn’t on my own. I took the kids to my Granny’s where her and one of my cousins would look after them until I was back in the old house and sorted. My mam, dad, Karen and Dave helped move all the bags and boxes along to the other end of the village.

  Keith had called the night before to give me the keys. He said the house was tidy but not up to my standard of course and that when he was settled he would send me his address. As soon as I handed over the envelope with the money in he was off, he hadn’t even bothered coming in to see the kids.