by Leanne Burn
Beth and me were friends again, I think she was always happier with me when Ben wasn’t around. I still couldn’t work out if it was because she was jealous, or embarrassed or she thought he was making a fool of me. We talked about everything, except Ben.
James was James. He was cheerful and popular and had a boat load of friends. He was forever staying at a mate’s house or had a mate over. He was a joy to be around.
And I went through my life a shadow of the person I had been. I missed Ben every minute of the day and in the night I would wake up in a cold sweat. When the realisation that he wasn’t around hit home, it was like being punched in the stomach. It didn’t get better with time, it just stayed exactly as it was. Every day I climbed a mountain, that mountain was my life.
Obviously I heard snippets about Ben. I tried not to, but I heard. I would hear Thomas saying that he was going somewhere with him, or that he was meeting Georgia and they were meeting up with Ben and Emma. Because that is where Ben went, back to Emma. And every time I heard something about him, my stomach would tie up in knots. Through it all I smiled and I laughed and I was everything everyone wanted me to be. I just wasn’t what I wanted to be.
Then he was back again. I answered a knock on the door one Saturday morning and he was standing there. It took my breath away. He came into the kitchen and I made coffee. “I miss you” he said. “Me too” I replied. My heart was pounding and as I sipped my coffee my hand shook. “I love you”, it was the first time he had ever said it, he had texted it often, but this was a first. “I love you too, and I’m sorry for loving you but I do”. The tears were running down my face, “I don’t know what to do” I went on. “Nothing, we do nothing”. He came over to me and wrapped his arms around me. We were back together again.
We slipped back into our relationship, but it seemed to be getting harder. Ben was getting older, he went further a field and had nights out in Newcastle with his mates. Invariably he would always end up sleeping on my settee, but I was nervous and edgy. When his mobile went my heart would sink. He didn’t do anything wrong, he was just growing up.
The sex was as good as ever, if not better. As his experience grew we experimented, we enjoyed making each other happy. I would dress up and surprise him and whereas before I would let him lead, I was becoming the dominant one and he loved it.
When there was just the two of us we were so happy, but when there was anyone around we sulked with each other. He would pick up on something I said, or someone said about me and vice versa. In normal relationships this can be cleared up quickly, but because we weren’t normal, things festered.
Emma was a massive problem. She just never went away. She would ring him crying about this or about that and he would listen. He said he didn’t have a choice, maybe he was right, but I struggled with the whole Emma situation and within a matter of months we fell out again.
This became the pattern of our lives. We couldn’t live together and we couldn’t live apart. Even when he was back with Emma he would text me every day. Not long after we got together we had decided that if we wanted to text each other ‘I love you’ we would just send a blank text, that way if anyone saw the text they would just think it was a mistake. So every day he sent me blank texts and I would send him a blank texts in return.
We just couldn’t leave each other alone. I swung between ecstasy and despair. We would meet up and go for meals or rides in the car, have sex and fight. We made plans for the future, we knew we couldn’t stay in Kinsley, so we talked about going to Spain.
We would spend hours learning conversational Spanish, which we were both useless at. But we managed to pick up a few words and it gave us hope.
Somewhere along the line, I had become Ben’s bit on the side. He was having an open relationship with Emma and a secret one with me. I would see Emma’s car parked outside his house first thing in the morning when I was on my way to work and I would feel sick. They spent almost every night together. As big a fool as I felt, when he texted or turned up, I couldn’t chase him.
I looked at other peoples relationships. My mam and dad, even with everything they had gone through they were still together and fairly happy. Scarlett was still with John, they weren’t in each other’s pockets but they spent occasional nights together and had had a few holidays. I watched people at work, couples in supermarkets or at the pub, why couldn’t I be happy with someone my own age, or who was available or who wasn‘t so fucking complicated. Why couldn’t I just make do!
I couldn’t though, I was in this thing up to my neck.
Bethany and Liam finished, even though it was her idea she was still miserable. They had been together so long she was lost without him at her side. When my mam and dad suggested that we went on holiday with them, we were over the moon. Their treat of course, two
weeks in the sun was just what the doctor ordered.
We had a great time. James grumbled that he would be bored, at almost 16 he was all spots and moods, but he ended up having a fantastic time, he was good at the mixing with others and made loads of friends on the bus even before we got to the hotel.
Bethany was quieter. She was 18 and it was me and her who spent a lot of time together. My mam and dad liked to do the sightseeing thing, so me and Beth would laze by the pool reading or have a mooch around the shops. We had a couple of nights out on the town. It felt strange at first, out drinking with my daughter, but as the cocktails flowed we had a ball.
Ben texted a couple of times, but I tried to put him out of my mind. I think Bethany must have seen my reaction when he texted because on the third night we had out together she said “Mam, I don’t know what you see in him!” “Who?” I said playing ignorant, trying to swallow the vomit that had risen into my throat. “Ben mam, I’m not stupid. I’ve known about it probably from the beginning. I hate him for hurting you!” she went on. “I’m sorry Beth”, I cried.
She came over and wrapped her arms around me. “It’s ok, I just hated being lied to”. The conversation went on for the rest of the night. I apologised, I cried, she cried when she realised how deep my feelings were for him. I unburdened the past couple of years onto my 18 year old daughter’s shoulders. “You are so beautiful and kind and clever and funny, I couldn’t understand why you were wasting your time on him. I’m pleased you have talked mam. I’m still not happy but at least I understand. If he makes you happy then that’s fine. But talk to me mam, don’t bottle it all up and be miserable. What I don’t understand is how Thomas hasn’t noticed, but that’s lads for you.” she smiled.
I didn’t want our holiday to end. I was so grateful to Bethany for making me open up. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But as the plane got nearer and nearer to home the guilt started to set in. My poor Bethany had had to listen to the gory details of her mam’s and her brother’s mates’ relationship. As quickly as I had opened up, I closed again. Enough, she had had enough. I wasn’t putting any more of this on her. She was the child, not the other way around.
Obsession
By the time we got home Thomas and Georgia had split up. Me and Bethany were gutted, she had been part of the family for so long, it felt strange without her. First Liam and now Georgia, “when James brings a girl home I’m not going to get attached“, I said to myself “young love and all of that” and of course I thought of Ben.
We slipped back into our old routine. He was still with Emma but still managed to spend quite a bit of time with me. We were expert in quickies and to be honest that was all we needed. He just needed to be near me and I was ready for him, as soon as he was inside me I would start coming and that would set him off. We lasted about 2 minutes, but it was all we needed, our fix of each other.
The in between parts were still hard for me. I obsessed over him, wondered where he was and who he was with all of the time. I hated having time on my hands because then I would think and if I thought too much I became needy with him and smothercated him. I could see me doing it but seemed powerless to
stop it. I was changing and if I didn’t stop I would push him away completely.
So I threw myself into work. Sasha appeared at work about the same time and although we had a dodgy start, we soon started seeking each other out on a lunchtime. I was totally smitten with her, she had so much going on in her home life, yet managed to keep smiling and cheerful. She didn’t hold anything back and I loved the fact that she told her daily life like it was a soap opera. Even if there was nothing going on she seemed to keep me wanting more. It wasn’t long before we were ringing each other at home and it seemed a natural progression for her to join our Friday night club. Scarlett liked her straight away. Sasha’s easy manner and take on life fitted in with us perfectly and we all quickly became firm friends with her.
I got Ben back full time again. I didn’t ask what had happened with Emma, I was just pleased he was with me. Thomas was loving the single life, he was out in the town every weekend and Ben went with him. More girls, more insecurity.
He did his best to reassure me, but I was on a self-destruct mission, what I didn’t know I made up. My head was always full of images, if his phone went I was full of doubts, if he didn‘t say where he had been, more doubts. The whole situation was so unhealthy for me. And it wasn’t much fun for him either. Every time we had time together I would interrogate him, I couldn’t stop myself.
When me and Sasha were having a meal out in our local Indian restaurant, I wasn’t surprised when Ben came in to collect a takeaway, I was even less surprised when Emma followed him in. He saw me and waved, Emma glared. As I waved back Sasha spun around to see who I was waving at, the look on her face when she turned to face me said it all. She knew.
Ben and Emma left and Sasha ordered us another bottle of wine. “So who is he?” she asked. “Thomas’ best friend”, I replied. “That might well be, but who is he to you? You look ill Caroline, no excuses and don’t lie, just tell it how it is”, she demanded.
By the time they had cleared all of the tables up in the restaurant, Sasha had had the full story, blood, guts and all. I gave her a bit of my history too. “I can’t believe this has been going on for 4 years and you haven’t told anyone, Caroline he is legal, he is almost a man and by what you say it was him who did all the chasing. How can you have kept all this inside? I tell you everything, not that I am having a go because you haven’t told me, but surely you could have said
something to Scarlett.” “I talked about him to Bethany, but felt so guilty I stopped talking about him.”
We walked back to Sasha’s and when she suggested I went in, I followed. I was scared, what if I lost her friendship over my relationship with Ben. She seemed fine now but after she had time to think, she would maybe feel different.
“So that lass is the one he runs to when it gets too much for him?” she asked pouring us a glass of wine in her kitchen. “Yes, I feel quite sorry for her, she hasn’t a clue has she. I know she hates me having anything to do with him at all. But I don’t think she has a clue what really goes on”. I answered sipping the wine.
“I didn’t know he was back with her, that’s why I got such a fright tonight, mind I don’t blame him I have been a complete mess lately, I haven’t liked me so I couldn’t expect him to.” I went on.
“He’s a looker, you’re a lucky lass”, Sasha said with a faraway look in her eye “I can see what the attraction is”. “When it’s good it’s good, but when it’s bad it’s rotten, I’m far too old for all this and I certainly can’t compete with 20 year old lasses.” I replied.
I think you can compete just fine, what you need to do is bring the relationship out into the open, all this secrecy must be killing you, fuck what people say, you just have to live” Sasha smiled “I wouldn’t mind a toy boy, all that energy….” the sound of my mobile beeping left Sasha I mid flow.
Ben
No message
“Aagh well he still loves me, though no doubt he is back with Emma again. We just go round and round in circles.” I sighed. “different this time Caz, you got me to talk to now, I’ll listen, I’m good at it, despite how much I like to hear the sound of my own voice” she laughed.
Later in bed, I was determined that I wasn’t going to slip back into ‘bit on the side’ role. Strangely we always got on better when I wasn’t with him full time, but I deserved more that quick shags and blank texts. And if I felt myself weakening I had Sasha to kick me up the arse.
The following days I was in knots, Sasha knew but I had never breathed a word to Scarlett, she had been my best friend forever and I couldn’t even confide in her, four years I had been keeping a huge secret from her. I didn’t know where to begin to tell her, she had asked years earlier and I had denied it. Now I wish I had just held my hands up then, but I didn’t and I had to tell her - fast. If she found out Sasha knew and she didn’t then she would fall out with me good and proper.
I composed texts to send her only to delete them, that was a cowards way out and I would be gutted if I had been given news the size I was going to dole out in a text. I picked the phone up only to put it back down again. I didn’t know how to do it.
Ben was back in touch, he had called a few times to pick Thomas up and had come in to see me. We here back to normal, I was powerless to stop it. My thinking got to be at least if he was with Emma he wasn’t with anyone else, better the devil you knew. And I know that he tried too. I used to wonder whose head it would be worse to be in, mine or his. But at least he had someone keeping him warm at night.
When Scarlett rang and asked me if I could pick her up from work, I saw my opportunity. John usually got her but he was away down the country at his daughter’s graduation and her car was in the garage. By the time Scarlett actually got into my car I had myself so wound up that I burst into tears.
Scarlett was all concerned thinking something had happened. After I had calmed myself down I assured her nothing bad had happened it was just me. I pulled the car away from the pub and concentrating on the road I blurted it out. More tears followed, but I kept my eyes fixed on the road. Silence, she said nothing. When we had travelled about half a mile and she still hadn’t said anything, I sneaked a look at her. She was staring at me. “I’m sorry, I’m a disgrace, and I’m old enough to know better…… God Karen say something!!!” I cried reverting back into her old name.
“You’re my oldest friend Caz, I saw Keith almost destroy you, if you think for one minute I hadn’t known what was going on with Ben then you don’t know me very well. I’ve waited for you to tell me. And before you say it no I’m not annoyed with you, I understand you better than you do yourself. I know how private you are, but I’ve watched and I’ve seen you fall in love with him and him with you. I’ve cried myself to sleep thinking what you must be going through when he is with Emma. I love you Caz and I’ll will defend you until I have no breath left in my body if Ben is what you want. If it makes you happy then I’m with you. I just can’t watch you being miserable”.
We were almost at her house. “Thank you, I love you too, and I’m so sorry I haven’t said anything, especially when you actually asked me, it’s just hard. Not like it was with Keith, Ben would never hurt me deliberately, it’s just hard, I’m constantly putting myself up against 20 year olds and it’s exhausting.” I pulled the car up to the kerb outside Scarlett’s house.
Scarlett opened the car door, “look it’s late, we’ll talk, you know where I am, I’m always here for you, you know that”. She leant across and kissed me and was out of the car and into the house before I could reply.
Farewell My Summer Love
And we did talk. We talked lots and lots and when some time had passed I told her Sasha knew too. So the three of us would sit around whoever’s turn it was for the Friday night dining room table and we would try to make some sort of sense out of the mess I called my life.
When Ben came back I told him Sash and Scarlett knew. He understood why I had told them but was under pressure when he saw them, I think he thought I told tales on him
. But telling them had helped and I wasn’t as jumpy or insecure, in fact me and Ben were doing great. Even Bethany seemed to be ok this time when Ben was around. I was happier and it made all of the difference.
Thomas and Ben were going away on a lad’s holiday with some of their old school friends, I was even ok about that, no huffs or tantrums, and after all it was a rite of passage. We were good and had decided that once he got back from his holidays we would be more open about the time we spent together, give people a chance to get used to seeing us together.
Summer came and the boys jetted off on their holiday, Bethany was away staying with a friend who had gone to university in Birmingham and James was going on a school trip to do water sports in France. For the first time in years I was going to be quite alone. A holiday for myself was out of the question, I needed to renew the car and to be honest money was really tight, James’ trip had cost an arm and a leg and I had helped both Thomas and Ben out with new clothes.
Ben rang and texted all of the time, he seemed to be having a good time, it was nice to hear that Thomas was in one piece without hassling him, the feeling that I would have one of the kids snatched away never quite left me, but at 21 Thomas was too old to have to keep reporting into his mam.
In the end I only ended up being on my own for a week. It was nice, I went out for a meal with my mam and dad, spent time with Scarlett and Sasha and walked miles with Jasper. I had a feeling of peace.
Bethany came home at the end of the week and we spent the next week doing girly things together. We even talked about Ben, on reflection I think that was due to the fact that she had met someone herself. She was so much more understanding when she was in love, it was her suggestion that we did a Ben CD.
For years me and Ben had texted each other lyrics from songs that meant something to us. We would work out which song the lyric came from and then would listen to it, it was a way for us to communicate how we felt about each. So Beth and I sat and did a play list, she burnt it on to a cd and called it C&B - Their Soundtrack!!, she even put it into its own little case, just like a proper cd.