by Leanne Burn
Before I knew it everyone was home. Thomas said he had a great time and then slept for 48 hours solid. James had discovered girls whilst he had been away, came home dumped his bag and was off to meet some girl called Amy who if my memory served me right had been in his class in infants school, but who had never warranted a mention since James had turned 5, bet she isn’t in pigtails anymore I thought to myself. I didn’t hear anything from Ben and I wasn’t going to contact him first.
When Thomas resurfaced into the land of the living, I couldn’t feed him enough. You would have thought he hadn’t eaten for a month, so he sat at the dining room table and I produced platefuls of food for him. As he ate we chatted about his holiday, he made a few reference to Ben but not many. “Oh my God, does he know”, I thought to myself. But listening to him chatting away I knew he didn’t. In the end I had to ask him, “so what’s with Ben, I haven’t seen anything of him since he got back?” “Didn’t see that much of him when we were away”, he replied. “How come, thought you were sharing a room with him” I stated. “He spent most of his time with Emma”.
The floor was moving, I grabbed hold of the dining room chair to stop me hitting the floor. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. “Coffee, I’ll make myself a coffee” I thought to myself. In the kitchen I stood stock still and took deep breaths. I couldn’t get my head around any of it. Emma was in Majorca with them? I had to find out what was happening!! I made my coffee and carried it carefully to the dining room table, trying not to shake and spill it, I didn’t want Thomas starting to ask me questions when it was me that needed answers.
I made small talk with him, then asked the big question. “So Emma went on holiday with you all”. “No not with us, she was with Georgia, Kerry and Danielle”. “Phew!!” I thought. “They were on our flight and were in our hotel. Bummer for me Georgia being there, but I didn’t see much of her. Emma booked it all, weird if you ask me, but it did the trick, her and Ben are back on.” I continued to drink my coffee. “Well that will be the last we see of him for a while!” I wasn’t sure if I had just thought that or said it out loud. Thomas said nothing.
Making an excuse of sorting some washing, I made my way upstairs. My head was pounding, I felt physically sick, how could he have done this to me……. I lay on the bed. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Checking my mobile there was still no sign of him, surely he knew that I would find out?? I rang his number, it rang two or three times then went to voicemail. I tried again, straight to voicemail this time. I text:-
Me
I can’t believe what you have done - and let me find out the way you have - that’s it Ben I’m done this time - I can’t do this anymore - you even let me get you some clothes knowing that emma was going on holiday with you - you are the scum of the earth
I didn’t feel any better after I sent the text. I spent the next few days constantly checking my phone to see if he contacted me, but he didn’t. I didn’t want to leave the house for fear of seeing them. Every journey I made to and from work was fraught with tension, I avoided doing anything that would take me into the outside world. I cried off from Friday nights and if I wanted to see my mam and dad I asked them to come to mine.
I was drowning in my own misery. Obviously the smile was in place, I gave no one reason to suspect anything was amiss. I didn’t even let Scarlett and Sasha know what was happening, I felt a fool.
Bethany was the only one who knew. She had seen what was happening on Facebook and came into my bedroom one night, lay on the bed with me and cuddled me in tight, our role reversal again. “Let him go mam, he isn’t worth it”. I didn’t answer, just nuzzled into her and cried.
About three weeks after they got back off their holidays Ben texted.
Ben
No message
Ben
Caz I need to talk to u x
Me
No thanks
Ben
Please just hear wot I hav to say
Me
There is nothing u can say - wot u hav done says it all
Ben
Please I’ll pick u up in 30 mins at end of ur street
Me
No
Ben
Yes
Half an hour later I was sitting in his passenger seat.
Misty
Ben drove us to a local picnic spot, it was deserted. He hadn’t said much on the trip down, but after parking up, he passed me a cigarette and started talking.
“I didn’t mean for any of that to happen in Spain, she was just there and kept suggesting we do stuff. Thomas and them were all out on the pull and I didn’t want to, not because of Emma, because of you. So it was easier to go and meet up with Emma, you know what she is like she just assumes stuff. So after we got back she assumed we were back on. I didn’t hear from you and thought the longer that I hadn’t the more chance you would have heard that Emma was out
there. I’m sorry Caz really I am, I surprised you even agreed to meet me. This relationship is so hard. A long time ago you said that you knew I would go, that I would have to go and live a bit, I think that’s what this is. I need to go and be normal. I love you, always have and I always will, but you have to let me go. Not because of Emma, I think if I was going to fall in love with her I would have done it by now. He threw his cigarette out of the car window.
“Okay, can you take me home now?” I answered.
I had nothing to say. He loved me, I knew that, but I was too much like hard work. Emma was so much easier to be with. I wasn’t going to beg, even though every being in my body was screaming for me to tell him not to go, I needed to walk away with some dignity. He started the car and drove all the way home like an idiot. Pulling back up at the end of the road I opened the door and stepped silently out, the car screeched off. I had been out with him less than 15 minutes.
I walked up the street dazed. We has split up before, many times. This was different, it was the finality of it all, and usually if we rowed we both knew we didn’t mean it. This felt like the end of my world. As I got into the house my mobile bleeped.
Ben
No message
Me
No message
I would like to say that time healed. But it didn’t. I was chipper Caroline when people were around, but when I was on my own I was a mess. I was back on automatic pilot. The swan was well and truly tangled, no longer able to swim it was treading water, stuck in the same spot going nowhere. The legs were growing weaker by the day, but still it appeared magnificent to anyone who looked at it. The rest of the swans on the lake came over to the still swan, but she assured them she was fine and encouraged them to get on with their own lives, it was a huge lake and there was lots to see and explore. But the tangled swan knew time was running out, the weak legs wouldn’t hold her forever, her swansong was growing ever nearer……
James left school and started college, Amy was a regular fixture at our house. She was nice, like James she was sporty and they played every sport imaginable, golf being their thing at the minute. They would go off first thing in the morning and wouldn’t be seen again until the course closed. They were both competitive so they would often come through the door arguing about some shot or another. They made me smile, they both ate like horses and would spend hours in the kitchen concocting some meal, but they seemed happy.
Bethany was smitten with Jack who she had met in Birmingham. They visited each other often and when Jack got a job in Newcastle he sort of moved in with us permanently. Bethany had got a full time job working in the dentists in the next village from ours which she loved. She was such a people person. They were happy and I liked Jack very much, he was a bit older than Beth and they seemed to bring the best out of each other.
Thomas was still playing the field. Since Georgia he hadn’t really settled on one girl, there seemed to be plenty of them about but no one seemed to be able to clip his wings. He was a flirt and reminded me of Keith, but Thomas was kind and would never deliberately
hurt anyone. He worked hard and he played hard, he liked his cars and his clothes and never seemed stuck for anyone to go out with. He mentioned Ben from time to time but I never asked questions, I didn’t want to know.
So all was well in the Evan’s household, of course apart from me. Sasha and Scarlett knew Ben had gone and would like nothing better than a session of name calling about him. I think they thought it would make me feel better, so I pretended it did and would join in. But I wasn’t getting over him.
I read magazine articles about stars who were in age gap relationships, Peggy Mitchell, Madonna, Demi Moore even Carol Vorderman had one. The difference was all these women were open about their relationships. Mine had been my dirty secret for so long it would be hard to bring it out into the daylight. I grieved for Ben, I missed his smell, his smile, I missed my mobile buzzing constantly.
I started to have a very spaced feel about myself. Like I wasn’t really there!! The only emotion I felt was abandonment, I didn’t feel happy or sad, just alone. Even in house full of people I felt alone. I had often been alone through the years, but this felt different. I couldn’t concentrate on anything for very long, my usual Ben distractions weren’t working. I could sit for hours staring at the telly and seeing none of it, I’d listen to conversations without hearing a word of it. I functioned, but that was all.
Everyone seemed happy, people laughed everywhere, I couldn’t understand it. If all these people could be happy, why couldn’t I?? My mam and dad, now retired with loads of time on their hands filled their days walking and reading and doing generally nothing but yet they were the happiest I had ever seen them. They were proud of me, they kept telling me, but they wouldn’t be if they knew the real me!! Guilt! The kids were all happy, they were growing up and growing away, just as they should be doing, but even their happiness couldn’t make me happy. I was proud of each and every one of them, they were shaping into lovely adults and I should have been able to take pride that I had helped shape them. But I didn’t, all I could think was the years and years I had lied to them over Ben. I was a disgraceful example of a mother.
I saw Ben when I was out and about a few times, sometimes he was with Emma, sometimes on his own. My stomach would do flips the minute I spotted his car. He looked well, in fact he looked gorgeous and my heart ached for him. I had abused him as a young boy and he had survived. But the guilt didn’t go away.
The guilt was weighing me down. The spaced feeling developed in to fog which was becoming thicker and thicker. I was drowning. The swan’s legs had finally become too weak, they could no longer keep the swan afloat, so the swan had slowly began to sink, little by little the water was creeping up the swan’s body, she didn’t even try to kick anymore, she just accepted that this was it, her swansong. The fog thickened, until that was all I could see. I couldn’t see my family or friends. They were there I could hear them, but I couldn’t see them. I heard them keep asking if I was okay and I could hear myself say yes everything was good. But it was all just voices, all just noise.
Swan Lake
The day of the lake dawned just like any other. I woke, felt my way through the fog to the bathroom, then down the stairs, coffee, cigarette and then back upstairs to get ready for work.
Work was much the same as usual, the fog followed me around, swirling around my feet sometimes making me feel dizzy. The fog was so oppressive that looking back it makes the memories of the journey home from work and what happened after that foggy too.
I remember leaving work and driving towards home. I remember going into the house and it being empty. I remember going up to my bedroom and changing out of my work clothes and I remember scratting around for a paper and pen.
I know I left the house and I know I called at the corner shop. I remember driving, I drove quite a distance. I can remember the emptiness of the hills and the bleakness of the sky and I can remember seeing the lake shimmering in the evening light. And I remember that it didn’t matter how far away I drove, the fog followed me. It was bearing down on me and making my head ache.
I vaguely remember pulling into a remote lay bye and stopping the car. I do remember there was no one about and looking across the lake the view was breathtaking. I know that I opened my bag and saw the note that I had written earlier, I didn’t have a clue what it said but I did fold it neatly and put it into the zip compartment of my handbag.
There was a wine glass in my handbag and I took it out and filled it up with wine from the bottle I had bought at the shop. I can remember having a gulp of the wine and settling back into my seat. I remember thinking that the view really was breathtaking before finishing the glass off. I remember I took my shoes off. Somewhere in my memory I could remember that if the police found you drunk behind the steering wheel of your car they could arrest you for drink driving, apparently if you didn’t have your shoes on this proved that you had no intention of driving and therefore could do nothing, I found this strange because I could certainly drive in my bare feet and had done it often when my heels had been killing me. I think I must have refilled my glass and I can remember sitting looking across the lake. I thought that I could see a swan, it wasn’t moving. I stared and stared but it didn’t move and it didn’t change shape…. maybe it was just a plastic bag. I remember that the wine was making me confused, the fog around me was thickening and I could no longer see the view. All I could see was fog.
I remember reaching back into my handbag and taking out a clear sandwich bag. It had an assortment of tablets in it, I think I must have put them in the bag at home it was like the bag I took my sarnies to work in. They were all different shapes and colours and sizes. I can remember grabbing a handful and putting them into my mouth, I then remember gulping down the wine. I can remember shivering, it gave me goose pimples, but I remember refilling my glass and doing the same again and again. I remember that I was staring out of the car, looking for the lake but I couldn’t see it, all I could see was the fog and it was getting darker and darker. I remember thinking that my body felt really tired. The car was warm and I can remember listening to the drone of the engine. I remember placing my head between the headrest and the driver’s window and I can remember closing my eyes. And I could remember the fog, the fog was pressing down all around my body and even with my eyes shut I could see it then I remember nothing………
I could hear bells. I tried to move but my body was heavy and stiff. It took me all my strength to open my eyes, but I could see nothing. The fog??? I could still hear the bells and out of the corner of my eye I could see a light. I tried to focus. Nothing just the bells and a glimmer of light. Where the fuck was I??? I sat, I couldn’t move and the bells stopped and there was no light. Silence and darkness. My brain started to wake. What the fuck had I done?? I could remember bits, swans, wine, pills!!! What the fuck!!! The kids!!! I started to panic, it was too dark… if it had worked then this wasn’t heaven, this must be purgatory…..
It was on me before I knew what was happening. My body sprung into action, convulsing, I could feel the vomit moving up my body. I was disorientated, it was still black, were my eyes still closed or was the fog now so thick and dense I couldn’t see through it. The vomit came hurtling out of my mouth, I didn’t have chance to move. The spasms kept on coming and the vomit spurted out. On and on it went, I could feel the stickiness on my legs, I could feel it on my hands as I groped around in the darkness for something. The stench made me retch more, it just kept on coming. My hand found metal and I yanked on it, the door handle, I pushed and cold air rushed into the car, I could feel it on my face, I inhaled deeply but I was still blind, there was only darkness.
I swung my body around so my feet were planted firmly on the ground outside the car. I stayed sitting, my legs felt like lead. The vomiting continued, it burnt my throat as it made it’s way into my mouth, it felt like acid. The taste was vile, a mixture of chemical and alcohol, the more I tasted it the more I retched. It was everywhere in my hair, my clothes, my brain was now becoming aler
t. The effect of the vomiting and the cold air was starting to make me feel a bit more lucid.
I sat trying to control my breathing. Every time I thought I had it under control the vomit would rise again, but the intervals were getting longer and I started to try and put some sort of semblance to what I had done.
I was still in the darkness, but as I rested my head against the car I glanced up, there were stars ….. It was dark, pitch black dark, but there were stars, I wasn’t blind, I hadn’t succumbed to the fog, I was in the middle of nowhere and there was no lighting, no street lights or even moon shine. But I wasn’t dead, I wasn’t in some dark place I couldn’t come back from, I was living and breathing.
I groped around in the car until I found my handbag. There were a couple of scrappy tissues in and I wiped my face and my hands with them. There was nothing in to eat or drink and I suddenly felt very thirsty. My head was pounding which I found ironic considering how many tablets I had managed to cram down my throat.
Still not thinking straight I rummaged around in my bag looking for something, anything, there was nothing. My mind might have been a mess for the past few months but I always had a tidy handbag.
Swinging my legs into the car, I attempted to start it, nothing. I had flattened the battery, there wasn’t a sound as I turned on the ignition.
A light caught my eye in the passenger side seat well, my mobile. That must have been the light that I had seen when I started to come out of my stupor, that and the bells. My mobile was ringing and glowing in the dark. I continued to stare at it, unsure what to do in my befuzzeled state. By the time I had decided to reach over for it and answer it it had stopped. I stared at it, I couldn’t make sense as to what I was supposed to do, I didn’t even know how to make a call. As