by Leanne Burn
I continued to stare at it it sprang into life again. I think it said Bethany calling. I looked at the buttons, unsure which one to press. Another wave of nausea came over me and I leant over out of the door and vomited until I was sure there was nothing left. By the time I straightened myself back up the mobile had stopped again.
I sat with my eyes closed and concentrated really hard. I was sure that if I calmed myself down I would be able to remember what to do with the phone. It started ringing again, instinctively I let my hands do what was natural to them. It worked I could hear someone shouting “mam, mam”.
“Hello”, I choked into the mobile. “Mam where are you? What’s happening mam?” Bethany. “I don’t know Beth, I tried to go, I don’t know Beth”, my voice sounded odd, like it wasn’t mine and I was crying, more vomit threatened, I could feel it. “It’s okay mam, just tell me where you are and we’ll come and get you, it’s alright, it’s all going to be alright, please don’t do anything stupid.” “I don’t know where I am, I just keep being sick Beth, please take me home, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry ……” I replied.
“Think mam, think where you are, where did you drive to, can you see anything, should I call the police???” Bethany started to scream. “No Beth, I’ll be fine, I came to the lake, I wanted to see the swan, but it was foggy and the swan was stuck, I came to the lake”. I wasn’t making any sense and I knew it.
“Mam, me and Jack are going to come and get you, don’t try and drive anywhere, was it the lake that we used to go to to see the geese, or is it the little one in the park, please think mam,” Beth’s voice was getting higher and higher.
“The big one, I drove and drove, it was really foggy though Beth so be careful, it’s dark as well Beth…..” “Mam, you are up at the big lake, whereabouts??” Beth interrupted me. “In a lay- by beside the lake.” I answered, I was going to be sick any minute. “Mam keep your phone on, we are on our way, please mam, when I ring answer, it’s going to be okay, I promise”. She was sobbing.
I didn’t hear anything else she said, I was back leaning out of the car, convulsing into the darkness. I was so tired, I reclined the seat and for however long I remained there I dozed only to be woken by Beth or to be sick, my mind remained fuzzy, I couldn’t put anything in order, I didn’t know how I had ended up there or why. I tried to think of the people I loved but as soon as I could summon up an image they were gone.
Beth rang to say they were at the lake but couldn’t find me. She asked to look for any landmarks, I looked out into the darkness and saw nothing. I could hear in her voice that she was getting annoyed with me, I couldn’t blame her, even in the state I was in I knew I had hurt her, hurt them all.
I vomited again, every movement seemed to set me away. Then I dozed some more, there were images of my life passing across my eyes like a slide show, Keith, my granny, Jenny, James, Ben, Thomas, my dad … on and on they went. Then I was in a blinding light, what the fuck … had I died, had my heart just packed in, were those images my life flashing before my eyes…. “Mam, mam!!!” Bethany.
Then she was there in front of me. My beautiful Bethany. She was all white and tear stained, how could I have done this to her. I fell into her arms. I could see Jack and Scarlett behind her and seeing them made me cry with shame.
Beth eased me out of the car. I was vomit soaked and as I stood up I realised I had wet myself. No one said a word, they just helped me into the back of Jack’s car. Bethany followed me in and she pulled me over so that my head was on her knee. I slept and when I woke and wanted to be sick, she produced a carrier bag.
As I lay there I could hear them talking. Scarlett wanted to take me straight to hospital, I heard Bethany saying no, let’s just get me home and cleaned up. Scarlett was saying should they get a doctor in then, Bethany was saying wait. Jack said that him and Thomas would go back in daylight and sort car. The conversation droned on and on and I slipped back into sleep.
What seemed like seconds later I felt the car stop and the engine cut. Home, I was home. Scarlett and Beth helped me out of the car, which of course brought back the vomiting. I stood in my yard and puked up whatever was left on my stomach, then on shaking legs they walked me into the house and up the stairs into my bedroom. I think I saw Sasha and Thomas. Then I thought I saw James at the top of the stairs, but I couldn’t be sure. Maybe they were just images in my head again. In my bedroom, Scarlett removed my shoes and peeled off my clothes, she slipped a nightdress over my head. I can remember thinking who’s could that be, I was much more a pyjamas type of lady, but it smelt clean and fresh. She pulled back the duvet on my bed and I slipped in. Sasha was at the side of my bed with a bucket, she stroked my forehead and said it was all going to be fine now.
Then I slept. Then I slept and woke and puked and then slept some more. I can remember Bethany coming into the room and taking off my nightdress and opening the window, I obviously hadn’t managed to hit the bucket. I was naked but I didn’t care and I slept some more.
They were dreamless sleeps, peaceful sleeps. I sometimes woke and it was light and sometimes woke and it was dark. Sometimes I could hear voices downstairs but mostly it was quiet. I was all alone. As the time between sleeping became longer I started to think. What had I done to myself? What had I done to my family and friends? More to the point how was I ever going to put any of this right??
I Can See Clearly Now
Bethany came into the room, took some pyjamas out of my drawer and dressing gown off the back of door and told me she had run me a bath. My legs were weak when I swung them out of bed, I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten anything and to be honest the thought of food made me feel sick. Beth took my arm and led me into the bathroom.
I lowered myself into the bath, Bethany sat down at the side of the bath and said she would wash my hair. “Beth ... “I started. “Mam leave it for the minute, you don’t need to say anything, have your bath and you can either come down stairs or go back to bed. I’ll make you some toast.”
I didn’t say anything, I let Beth clean the vomit out of my hair and then soaked in the warm water. I still wasn’t thinking straight, my mind jumped from one thing to another, never settling on a subject for more than a minute.
I got out of the bath and patted myself dry, put on my pyjamas and wrapped myself in my dressing gown. I wasn’t ready for downstairs that was too much like the real world, so I made my way back into my bedroom and into the safety of my bed.
Beth came in with coffee and toast. “Are you ok mam? Do you need to see a doctor or anything?” She asked putting the toast down on the drawers beside me. “No, I don’t think so, maybe a head doctor, I am so sorry Beth, I really don’t know what I was doing. It was just all
foggy and surreal, I don’t remember”.
“Was it because of Ben? She asked. “Maybe part of it was, I know I wasn’t thinking straight and when he went back to Emma after his holidays I was devastated, but I don’t think that was the whole reason. I don’t know, I loved you and Thomas and James so much and my poor mam and dad!!!”. “Grandma and Granddad don’t know anything, we just said you had a virus and we didn’t know if it was catching!” “Thank you”, I whispered.
She then went on to tell me what had been happening since ‘the lake’. When she had got in from work she said that she sensed something was wrong straightaway. All the lights were on in the house and she said that the kitchen drawers looked like they had been ransacked. She said she tried to call me but wasn’t getting a reply and I hadn’t returned any texts she had sent. By the time that the lads had got home she said she was starting to feel really uneasy.
They had rang around all my usual haunts; Sasha, Scarlett, my mam and dad’s. She even rang Ben. No one had seen me but had all said that I had had a haunted look for the past few weeks.
They had driven around, but were getting nowhere, Ben had even gone to all of ‘our spots’ but after 3 hours they had all congregated at our house. It was over 4 hours w
hen Beth eventually got me on the telephone, it then took almost another 2 hours to find me. Beth had chased Ben home with the promise that she would ‘keep him in the loop’ but everyone else had stayed. She didn’t think I would be able to cope with Ben being there without everyone else finding out, and then wasn’t the time for revelations.
She said there had been a lot of debate about whether or not I should be taken to hospital. Scarlett had agreed in the end with Beth that I had probably vomited most of the tablets up and they knew how humiliated I would have been to have gone to hospital to have my stomach pumped. So it was decided once I was home they would just keep a close eye on me.
The night I came home Scarlett sat the kids around and told them about my life before I had them. The lonely childhood and the abusive marriage. Beth didn’t mention the rape, I think Scarlett had the good grace not to tell them about it, it wouldn’t have done any good and probably caused needless damage. Both Sasha and Scarlett explained that sometimes it would just take a small thing to tip someone over the edge and they explained that I had been through a lot and I wasn’t trying to get away from them because I didn’t love them, I was more than likely doing it because I did.
They all got their stories straight about my disappearance, I had taken ill and was unable to get home. They said I had a virus and my mam and dad seemed to be happy with this explanation to the point that they were keeping their distance ‘just in case’. Neither of them were getting any younger and my dad suffered from a weak chest due to all his years smoking, he obviously didn’t want the risk of catching anything from me. But Beth said they rang often for updates on my progress. My work were given the same diagnosis, kind regards were sent and a message to take off as much time as I needed.
Bethany had gone and met Ben. She had explained as good and she could what had happened and that he wasn’t the problem, there were other factors. She said he was crying and he had told her that he loved me.
As I sat listening to Beth I felt the guilt overwhelming me. The tears started, followed by the sobs. Bethany lay on the bed and cuddled me in until I fell asleep. The coffee and the toast were untouched.
Over the next few days I gradually re-entered my life. I started eating a little bit, but my moods were swinging all over the place. I was either on top of the world that I was still alive but as soon as I thought that and what I had done, I would plummet back down again with the guilt.
Thomas came and lay on my bed. He didn’t ask me any questions, he just updated me on his life. I listened, taking it all in and thanked God that I was able to sit there with him. I said sorry and that I did love him and none of what had happened was because of him. He shrugged it all off but I knew that I had hurt him and it ripped my heart out.
James popped in and out. He was his usual cheery self. He said he felt better that Sasha and Scarlett had spoken to him. He was being really brave, he was probably the most like me personality wise. He was an actor just like his mam, he wore his smile come rain or shine and one day I was going to have to sit down and tell him that he didn’t need to be like that, that it was ok to show people when things upset you. It had taken me almost to get to the point of no return to realise that, I wasn’t going to let James do that too. But for the meantime he would be ok.
On the morning I decided that I would get up and go downstairs, I had myself a long bath and threw on some joggers and a tee shirt. Looking in the mirror I looked white and hollow eyed. I could remember seeing ‘the handbag’ on the chair in my bedroom and went to collect it. Just looking at it made me shiver and I decided that it would have to go. Sitting on the bed I emptied its contents. Make-up, a couple of pens and my diary. Unzipping all the compartments I found the letter I had written the day of the lake. I sat with it in my hands not really knowing what to do with it. Should I just throw it out with the bag, or should I read it??? Perhaps I needed to know what I was thinking!! Or would it just make things worse?? The fog had gone now, everything was so much clearer around me, my body felt lighter and when I did smile or laugh, it was real. Yes I needed to know, if I threw it out without reading it I would regret it. So with shaking hands I
unfolded the letter and read:-
I’m sorry I have just made such a mess of everything and I can’t put it right
I love you all so much and don’t want to drag you down with me
Be happy be all the things and do all the things that will make you happy
Smile when you remember me - remember all my silly ways - I just can’t do it anymore
- I’m a failure. Please look after each other and
Margaret and Bill - I lov3 you all - this is just me and you all deserve
better
I’m sorry for the lies - the life I have lived for the past few years
especially you Thomas - he’s a good friend to you and he loves you
Thomas - it was just one of those things
Mam and dad I love you both so much - you deserve a much better a
daughter - I’m such a disappointment - but look after each other and
Thomas and Beth and James - you are all they have got
I’m sorry - there is no way out for me I’m done and I’m sorry for the
mess I have left behind
I read it and reread it again. It was my handwriting but I had no recollection of writing it. I ran to the bathroom and vomited.
Retuning into the bedroom I ripped the letter into tiny shreds, put it into the handbag and took it downstairs. I went straight out the back door and dumped it in the bin.
For whatever reason I had survived it. I needed to get on with my life and start living, I had a lot of making up to do.
It’s Getting Better
It took another 8 weeks before I returned to work. I had been off 3 months in all. I had visited the doctors for a sick note but had refused anti-depressants and counselling, my family and friends were all I needed.
I had good days and bad, gradually the good days outnumbered the bad and I knew I was well on the road to recovery. Scarlett and Sasha were there for me constantly, they rang me, they
text and the called. Bethany had deleted everything off my mobile phone, she said she didn’t wasn’t me reading the messages and listening to the voicemails that had been sent the night I had gone missing. She apologised if she had deleted anything I particularly wanted to keep, if there had been it wasn’t important anymore.
I apologised to everyone all of the time, until it got to a point where everyone was sick of hearing it, they just wanted normality.
A legacy of my night at the lake was that I had developed panic attacks, not badly, but I puffed and blew and had to stand still and control my breathing and let my heart rate calm down. At first it happened quite a bit, when someone came into the house, especially someone I hadn’t seen since ‘the night’ and then it also happened if I left the house. I had it controlled in the house, but even after 3 months I still had no control over it in the outside world. For the time being I was just going to have to live with it and not put myself into situations that would bring it on.
Ben came to see me. About 2 days after I went back downstairs there was a knock on the door. Bethany answered it and then came into the living room where I was sitting on the settee watching Jeremy Kyle, which strangely always made me feel normal, and said Ben wanted to see me. By the time he came in I had my breathing under control and even managed a small smile at him. He smiled back and the breath left my body again, this time for a completely different reason. He sat on the settee next to me and said sorry. We then had a few minutes of sorry tennis and ended up laughing. But he insisted that I accepted his apology for however much of a part he played in how I was feeling. I tried to explain that he was only part of my problem. As he sat in front of me he was out of his depth, I must have looked about a hundred, no make-up, shabby old dressing gown, but he continued to smile at me and when our eyes met I saw all of his love there. Nothing had changed.
He stood up
to leave and opened his arms to me. I stood and went into them, controlling the panic attack that was threatening. As he wrapped his arms around me, I felt my heart sore and the panic attack was defused, this was still where I belonged. After everything that had happened, Ben was the ointment that soothed my fragile soul. I was just going to have to live with it.
After Ben’s visit the road to recovery didn’t seem as daunting. I still had a long way to go, but I knew I could do it. I started making an effort with my appearance and instead of sitting around in my dressing gown all day, I would get up and get dressed. I badly needed a haircut but was terrified of going, so Beth made me an appointment and came with me. The stylist didn’t seemed to notice all the puffing and blowing I did as she washed my hair, it wasn’t a big deal going to the hairdressers but to me it was a triumph.
Ben came to see me more and more often. Sometimes we would sit in the house and play cards, sometimes he would take me out for a drive in his car. My mam and dad commented how good he was with me and seemed to have more patience with me than my kids did. One day I would tell them I thought, just not yet. They had been really good while I was recovering. I did feel guilty when they went on and on about what type of virus I had had, they had even Googled my symptoms and decided I must have had glandular fever, but I accepted all the help they gave me and loved having the time to spend with them. Our regular trip down to the coast on a Wednesday for fish and chips was a great miss when I finally went back to work.
Going back to work was easier than I thought, I was feeling so much better than I had in a long time. My thinking was clear and I had lots of energy and drive. There had been lots of good news to make me smile and I was looking forward to the future. Look forwards and not back was my motto now and I intended to stick to it.