Unwinnable

by May Dawson

  The two of us wandered away from the crowd across campus, heading toward the dark, quiet comfort of the forest that surrounded the buildings.

  “Does it ever bother you to be back here?” I asked, thinking about how she’d founded this school. I had such happy childhood memories of the scrappy start the academy had, when the halls were still overrun with ghosts.

  She shook her head. “Not at all.”

  “I don’t understand you,” I said, but I didn’t mean it in a bad way. She seemed to take everything in stride—always gentle but strong, graceful but sure of herself. She seemed as if she were above holding grudges.

  I admired her, but I couldn’t imagine ever being above a good grudge.

  “When I come back here, I get to see you,” she said, squeezing my hand. “And I miss you.”

  “I miss you too.” Maybe that was why Piper and all her men had come. Usually, a pack representative came, but not Arthur and Callum and Piper. Today, Arthur and Callum had each taken a turn going on stage as two first-years from our pack graduated. Briar and Johnson were in different houses—I didn’t know them well.

  “Did you have Briar and Johnson report back on me?” I asked suddenly.

  “Me?” she said. “No. If you want to have some stern words with Arthur and Callum…” She smiled. “They feel very protective of you.”

  “They’re the best big brothers a girl could have. All eight of them.”

  “They would’ve had Briar and Johnson wade into the fray and kick ass until everyone left you alone,” she said, a laugh in her voice, and for the first time, I realized she’d known all along what I was going through.

  I’d tried to keep my worst moments from this year secret from her, afraid of what her men would do, and embarrassed about being bullied and about losing my own temper.

  My lips parted in surprise. “Oh my god, Piper. You knew?”

  She shrugged, not even managing to look abashed. “You had to succeed or fail on your own.”

  I felt betrayed, but I struggled with the feeling, knowing how mad I would have been if she interfered. “And what if I’d failed?”

  “I had faith in you.”

  “That worked out for the best, I know, but… it was kind of harsh, sis.”

  “You’re tougher than any of these boys,” she said. “And now you know it.”

  I crossed my arms, staring my sister down. She looked back at me, her soft blond hair waving in the breeze around her beautiful face. She looked like a doll—few people realized how much steel was under that gentle smile until they crossed her.

  “This is why they call you the ice queen,” I said.

  “This is why,” she admitted. She held her arm out to me, and I let her pull me into her side, the two of us skirting the shade of the woods. She leaned her head on my shoulder. “I always knew you were strong enough for what’s coming, Maddie. But now you know too.”

  I scoffed at that. “I’ve made terrible mistakes, Piper. I’m not sure I know anything.”

  “The Dark Collar, you mean?” she asked.

  My lips parted in surprise. I wondered if she was hurt; I never confessed to her about my failure. I’d been tricked by the Day into activating the Dark Collar, and I hurried to say, “I wanted to tell you, but—”

  She waved it off. “You have your own missions. Your own orders from Clearborn. You’re not just my sister, and not just a member of the Northsea pack—and I understand that. I’m proud that you’re building our own life, Maddie.”

  “But…how did you know? Did Clearborn share it with the Alpha Council—” He’d seemed intent on keeping my part in the destruction of our wolves a secret. He thought the packs would hate me for it, that they would take revenge any way they could for the loss of what they prized most. Icy fear ran through my veins at the thought that more people could know.

  “No,” she said, shaking her head. “He spun a pretty convincing story. And yet, a rumor’s been going around lately that puts the blame squarely on you… which makes me wonder if maybe some shifter learned what happened from the Day themselves.”

  “You think there are more traitors,” I said, my blood still cold. I shivered despite the pleasant warmth of the day. “Do you think the Day will rise again?”

  “I think you killed almost all of them, and I think you and your men will go fix your mistakes,” she said, and I felt struck by having her call it my mistake, even if it was. She’d never been one to mince words, though. “And then it won’t matter what the Day tries. We’ll be ready. And our packs will be ready, whatever some Alphas do.”

  “You think there might be another pack war,” I said, thinking of the brutal war when I was just a girl, where one pack had aligned with the covens.

  “I think you should be careful,” she said gently. “In this world and that one.”

  “You be careful too,” I said, thinking of Scarlett and Cole and every other child in the new combined Northsea pack. “You don’t have your shifter magic to protect our babies.”

  “But the packs have embraced magic in a way they never would have otherwise,” she reminded me. “There are gifts scattered in this brokenness.”

  We all missed our wolves, and the enhanced senses that had come with them. I couldn’t see or hear as well as I had, and the world felt dark and muted now. And I couldn’t smell the guys as well; I missed the distinct, pleasant scents of their bodies.

  The two of us headed back toward the quad, which was covered in pack picnics, a festival scene. Children ran among the crowd, some of them towing brightly colored kites which swooped and jerked across the bright blue sky.

  The packs weren’t perfect, but our life was worth fighting for.

  “What are we without our wolves?” I mused in a murmur.

  “We’re just fine,” Piper told me, squeezing my shoulders.

  For a second, I felt relief. Then she went on, “But some shifters don’t feel that way. The wolf was the best part of them. So you need to be careful.”

  “I understand.” One of the many things I’d learned at the academy was how dangerous men were when their ego was threatened.

  I looked out at the colorful scene in front of me, knowing that I had enemies.

  But I had friends too.

  Chapter Seven

  I said goodbye to the guys, and then when I started back to the dorm, Piper called, “Go get him!”

  I swiveled on my heels and shot her a look as if I had no idea what she was talking about. She just smiled and waved. Sisters.

  The dorm was busy as the other team who shared the hall carried boxes and suitcases out to their cars, surrounded by family and friends from their packs. It all had an eerie feeling to me right now.

  We’d be back in this hall again in the fall. Tyson would move to the cadre room at the end of the hall, at least in theory.

  I hoped he’d come back to my bed one day. For a while, he had slept with Penn and Jensen in my room, and that had felt right. I wanted to sleep with all of my men. I felt whole when they were all near me.

  Still, watching the dorm empty made me feel a strange sense of nostalgia. It wasn’t as if every memory I had in this place was happy. There were ghosts when I looked around: Jensen’s cruel words outside the lounge, a hundred scoldings I’d received—most of them well-earned, I could admit—all of us running toward P.T. too early in the morning, bleary-eyed and tired. And yet.

  I felt happy about it all right now, to be honest, even the miserable parts. It all felt like it fit into a whole.

  It was over, and as bright as the future was, it still felt sad to leave this year in the past. I couldn’t imagine coming back in the fall and having everything be different. New first-years. Rafe and Lex gone. I couldn’t imagine the team being so different.

  We had to find the shield and bring it back. Not only to protect the packs—including bright-eyed Scarlett and Cole—but also to give us a life together.

  “Ready to go?” Rafe stepped out into the hall, dressed in a
dark gray suit with a black shirt, no tie, open at the collar. The suit fit his tall, leanly muscled body very well, hugging those big shoulders, skimming over his trim waist.

  For a second, I just stared at him. I couldn’t believe he was mine.

  “Now?” I asked. “Really?”

  He was already slipping his hand into his pocket with his keys, and a devilish smile touched his lips. “Mm, wouldn’t want to keep my family waiting.”

  I cast a longing look at the door to his room. “I do actually want that.”

  But I knew Rafe. So, shaking my head at his amused smile, I went into the rooms I’d shared with Penn, Chase and Silas. I changed out of my plaid skirt and blazer, hanging it all in my closet because I knew if I threw it on the back of my chair like I usually did, Chase would complain I was a terrible roommate. I’d be back in this room in the fall, so I didn’t need to move out, even if I hadn’t been coming back here the next day.

  I changed into a pink tea-length dress and unbraided my hair, teasing my fingers through the soft blond waves. I looked like someone different out of uniform, someone harmless and sweet.

  Anyone who believed that was a sucker, of course.

  When I stepped into the hall, Rafe’s head was down, studying his phone, and he looked tense. I shut the door to my room behind me with a click, and he looked up. Whatever annoyance was written across his face vanished in an instant as he saw me, and his eyes widened appreciatively.

  “Damn, Maddie,” Penn said from down the hall, as if he were giving voice to Rafe’s inner thoughts.

  “I can be girlie on Saturday and still kick your ass Monday,” I reminded them, giving a little twirl. My skirt spun around my legs in a way that was very satisfying.

  Sometimes it feels like a woman can’t twirl and still be taken seriously in our world. But I believed with these guys, I could. That was part of why I loved them.

  “As long as that’s a general you and not a specific you,” Rafe said, offering me his arm. Since I was out-of-practice wearing heels, I didn’t mind slipping my hand over his for balance.

  “See you tonight,” I told Penn, squeezing his arm as I went past him. Most of the guys would have something to vent about tonight. After spending time with Rafe’s family, I’d probably have something too.

  But then, maybe Rafe would join us in the hot tub of iniquity tonight. Fingers crossed.

  “My parents sprang something fun on me,” Rafe said. “Dinner is two hours away at their house.”

  He called it their house, not our house.

  “You’re taking me to your childhood home?” I asked skeptically.

  “We don’t have to go,” he said. “I thought they wanted us to have dinner at a restaurant. Instead my mom catered this whole bullshit graduation party with half our pack and didn’t even bother to mention it until after I agreed.”

  “My future mother-in-law seems like someone who will never get over it if you let her down now.”

  He groaned. “Accurate.”

  While he was distracted by how much his family annoyed him, it didn’t occur to Rafe to challenge the idea that one day, the two of us would marry.

  I hid my smile. “Let’s go humor the woman.”

  “You just want to squirrel out more embarrassing details about my life before the academy,” he accused. “Find out what a geek I was, what kind of character I played in Dungeons and Dragons and what got me suspended from high school—”

  “Yes, I very much want to know all of that,” I admitted.

  He stopped as we headed toward the stairs and banged on the door to the room he shared with Lex.

  “Yeah?” Lex swung the door open. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

  “Want to come with us?” Rafe asked.

  “Not a chance.”

  “Mom is guaranteed to have those little fruit tarts you like.”

  “Your mom is also guaranteed to have that bitchy attitude I don’t. But you two have fun.”

  Rafe seemed to consider that, and I was worried he’d be mad at Lex for calling his mom a bitch. But then he shrugged. “Fair enough. See you at the house?”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  Rafe started to turn away, then suddenly before Lex could close the door again, Rafe stepped in and grabbed him in a hug. The two of them grinned, and I smiled too, at the sight of their usual control in front of us breaking.

  “We made it!” Rafe said. “Council’s Own, together, like we always planned.”

  Lex grinned back at him and pounded his back.

  Rafe and I walked across the busy quad to the student parking lot. I regarded his decrepit sedan skeptically. I could’ve sworn it leaned to one side.

  “We could take the motorcycle,” I suggested.

  “Not a chance,” he said.

  As we drove away from campus, I watched the pine trees flicker by. We passed the sketchy gas station, the spot in the woods where we’d parked when Farro’s body was found, through the town and past Skyla’s elementary school.

  “So Lex has spent a lot of time with your family?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” Rafe said. “When I tried to make up with them, they started inviting me back for holidays. I dragged Lex with me. He couldn’t go home at all.”

  He said it all levelly, but I had a feeling there was a depth of pain beneath those words, and I let the subject drop.

  “What do you think the new first-years on our team will be like?” I asked, knowing he’d enjoy imagining what obnoxious first-years we might deserve to deal with, and sure enough, he smiled faintly. The miles flew by as the two of us chatted.

  He fell silent as we passed through tall metal gates and into a development of huge houses, all surrounded by vast lawns. He slowed, before parking in front of a big blue house in the back of the development. Rafe’s family’s house was exactly the sprawling, prissy McMansion I’d expected.

  Behind the house, I caught glimpses of the dark river winding beyond the house and the trees.

  “Saint Cain, help me.” Rafe heaved a sigh as he looked over the line of cars snaking ahead of us along the side of the lawn. He raked his hand through his hair before he slammed the door shut. His face was bleak, but then he looked at me and said, “I’m glad you’re here.”

  I felt a jolt of tension through my stomach at the thought of seeing Rafe’s family again and meeting his pack—especially after Piper’s warning. But I just smiled and said, “Me too.”

  I didn’t mind waiting even longer now. I might have big dreams and plans for sleeping with Rafe, but right now, he needed a wingman as he dealt with his crazy family.

  Together, the two of us headed down the driveway and into the sun-soaked entryway. Twin staircases twisted away to the second floor. Even the entryway was full of people, all dressed immaculately in suits and ties or sleek sheath dresses.

  “Rafe!” His mother slipped out of the crowd to give him a hug. She grinned ear-to-ear as she hugged him. “It’s so good to see you.”

  Then she added, a bit more coolly, “And you as well, Maddie.”

  The last time I saw them, I’d stormed out of the restaurant after more-or-less informing her that she wasn’t a very nice person. I shouldn’t be surprised I wasn’t her favorite.

  Rafe glanced through the crowd, and his face brightened as he raised his hand. I followed his gaze to see a tall, willowy brunette, just a bit older than he was, making her way through the crowd. She held a toddler in a fluffy yellow-and-white dress that coordinated with her sleek white summer dress.

  “Lia,” Rafe said warmly, hugging her hello. The toddler must be Charlotte then, and sure enough, Rafe’s niece held her chubby arms out to him. Rafe picked her up, pressing a kiss to the top of her head as he turned back to me.

  The sight of Rafe, with his sharp cheekbones and his jaw that could cut glass, in that suit, holding a little girl as if he were a natural with kids, made my damned ovaries throb. I hadn’t ever felt my ovaries before, but there they were. God, he was adorable.r />
  “This is Charlotte,” Rafe told me, “and this is my sister Lia. Lia, this is Maddie.”

  “I’ve heard so much about you,” Lia said, holding her slender hand out to me. I tried to size her up as Rafe murmured to Charlotte, who laughed and clung to his neck.

  “Don’t say scary things like that to her,” Rafe admonished Lia, then glanced at his mother’s back; she was busy greeting other guests. “She’s met Mom.”

  Lia rolled her eyes. “You all need to get over it. Let’s just have a nice day, little brother.”

  She reached up to ruffle his hair, and Rafe took a step back, frowning at her. To Charlotte, he said, “Your mommy’s a barbarian, isn’t she? No respect for anyone’s hair.”

  Lia absently played with the bottom of one of Charlotte’s ponytails, pulling the glossy little corkscrews of dark curls gently straight, then letting them spring back. “Oh, it’s just that I don’t expect the big bad wolf warrior to care that much about his hair.”

  I decided that maybe I did, in fact, like her.

  Rafe’s father bustled over. Reluctantly, Rafe handed Charlotte back to Lia, who mouthed, “Good luck,” at him and then flashed me a bright smile. I smiled back at her and waved goodbye to Charlotte.

  Rafe’s dad was less reserved than their mom had been, hugging Rafe and I at the same time. He was a little shorter than Rafe, but still towered over me. “So proud of you, my son,” he said, planting a kiss on top of Rafe’s head.

  Then he stood back, beaming at us both. “So much to celebrate today. Graduation and the Council’s Own! Where’s your Council saber, son?”

  “Locked in the car,” Rafe said.

  “No, go get it, I want to put it by your cake,” he said. “I’ll walk you out to the car.”

  Just then, an older man and woman headed toward us, and Rafe’s dad added, “Right after you pay your respects to the alpha!”

  Rafe introduced me to the alpha and his wife, but eventually his dad successfully pulled him away. I found myself jostled out of the way of all the guests, even though I caught Rafe searching the crowd for me from a distance. The seeking look on his face made my heart stumble, and then his dark eyes met mine. Even from across a crowded room, that gaze of his was full of heat. I winked at him, and his face relaxed. I’d be fine on my own. Then someone grabbed his arm and he turned to shake their hand.