My Blue River

by Leslie Trammell

  “Umm…I have an idea. Why don’t we go to The Beach?” I suggested. I flushed at the thoughts I was having. It felt exciting and naughty.

  “It’ll be cold at The Beach.” He clearly hadn’t caught on.

  “Then I guess we’d better… heat things up.” I stared straight ahead, but I could feel his head turn ever so slowly in my direction.

  Jack looked back to the road and said “Uh…yeah, okay…um…we could… we could heat things up.”

  I bit my lip in anticipation.

  ********

  Jack’s Journal

  New Year’s Eve

  I shouldn’t leave myself alone with Addy, especially when she looks so incredibly…HOT, but the night didn’t start out all that great.

  Aaron acted like a dumbass again tonight. She gave him a chance to join us for New Year’s Eve. He blew it. We took him home. I was headed back to The Barn when she suggested we go to The Beach.

  Once we were there, we ended up kissing…and kissing…and kissing…until I could no longer take it. I knew better than to pursue anything further. Her body told me she wasn’t ready—neither am I.

  I suggested we get outside and make a different fire—an actual fire. But as I stared at the fire I couldn’t help but notice how much the fire reminded me of us. It started as a slight flicker—the slightest spark—then burst into hot flames.

  We talked a lot. I was surprised at how much we discovered about each other. I learned that her family was a lot like mine religiously. They didn’t really go to church, but had a deep sense of spirituality. She hated to admit that she had never thought a lot about religion until she saw her parents praying together and heard them say her and Aaron’s names and actually found comfort from that. She said she likes my spirituality but quickly added my lips are her favorite things about me—which led to more kissing. I have come to know she doesn’t like it when a conversation becomes too deep.

  I’m also surprised at how insecure she is. For someone who seems confident, she isn’t. She worries she’ll disappoint everyone she loves. She worries she’ll never achieve her goals. She worries what others think of her. That’s sad really. What a sad way to live. I wouldn’t trade being a free spirit for anything. I’ll slowly help her, I hope. I know I have unconditional love for her and maybe that love will give her some sort of re-birth in confidence someday.

  As midnight approached, the fire became hot, smoldering, dark coals. They almost looked harmless, like you could touch them and not get hurt, but we all know coals are hot—they’ll burn and sting you. If you get burned bad enough, you’ll scar for life. That’s probably just like us, too. But some scars are worth having.

  We kissed at midnight until I knew I should take her home, whether I wanted to or not. I know I love her, but I didn’t want to tell her in the heat of the moment. To say it that way would diminish it. It would somehow seem less important—less real—a feeling that had only been expressed from intense passion or seem like I had another motive. It has to be special when I tell her that I have fallen totally and completely in love with her. It has to be unique and real.

  I only wonder if she loves me, too.

  ********

  January brought Jack’s eighteenth birthday. I felt bad for him that his birthday was so soon after Christmas. He had probably spent his entire life being cheated out of birthday presents. My New Year’s resolution was to be more thoughtful of others, starting with Jack. I really wanted to make his birthday special so I put a lot of effort into planning a surprise party at The Barn. With the help of his mom, we had it catered by The Sugar Shack.

  It was amazing that we had pulled it together and that no one blew the surprise, but once we entered The Barn on the evening of January eighteenth, Jack about passed out. I even included my parents thinking that if my mom could see us together, she would understand the depth of our relationship without me having to actually say the words to her. If she had understood, I couldn’t tell because her face gave nothing away. I officially gave up trying.

  About two seconds after everyone screamed, “SURPRISE!” Jack exclaimed, “I can’t believe you did all this!” He looked around the room, amazed at how many of his friends and family had come just for him. He began waving to the crowd like he was a celebrity.

  After we mingled for a while, I gave in to my impatient desire to have him to myself. I wanted to give him his birthday present, so I pulled him out into the cold, winter evening.

  “I can’t wait! I want to give you your present,” I said through chattering teeth. I handed him the blue, sparkly wrapped package. It was so cold we could see our breath almost like it was smoke. I floated up into the air with each word. He was grinning ear-to-ear as he quickly tore it open.

  I couldn’t tell if his expression was that of shock that I would think of a gift like this or of disappointment. He didn’t say anything for one whole minute after opening my present. He simply flipped through it, cover to back.

  I decided to speak first, “I’m not very good at expressing myself—well, at least the emotions of the heart—so I thought this would help.” It was a book of love poems. “Um, there’s something handwritten in the back, but I want you to read when you’re alone at home tonight, okay?”

  He started to flip to the back of the book, but I reached out and stopped him.

  “Please…wait until later?”

  He smiled and nodded in agreement. His voice became soft as he said, “Addy, I’m so in love with…with…it…this gift.” It reminded me of when I overheard him and Aaron at The Barn when he said he was insane for me. It felt like he was going to say in love with me.

  “I’m glad you love…it,” I replied. We shared a smile between us then Jack leaned in for a birthday kiss.

  ********

  Jack’s Journal

  January 18

  My 18th Birthday!

  I’m speechless. Addy gave me a book of love poems for my birthday. It wasn’t so much that it was a book I would like but it was the how much thought she had put into it.

  She flagged various pages, underlining specific parts of poems that mirrored the words she would say to me if she could. I’m not sure why she won’t just let herself go and just dive-in head first into this relationship. Someday I should remind her to just jump like she did off The Cliffs last summer.

  She must have wondered what I was thinking. All I could do was stare at the book, thumbing through the pages, like a complete idiot, but I was so touched by her sentiment and I didn’t want her to see me tearing up. If my eyes met hers I was sure I’d cry.

  The best part of her gift was the handwritten poem on separate blue parchment paper she had placed in the back of the book. She asked me to read it alone tonight. Here’s what it said:

  Dear Jack-

  This is new to me, so please don’t laugh. Be patient with me, okay? I know how much you love music and poetry. Here is my best attempt at expressing myself in a way that is worthy of your appreciation.

  A day just in chance

  I met a great man,

  He’d been sent to me

  Through God’s grace and plan.

  The stars came together

  Perfect in flight,

  In perfect alignment

  One starry night.

  One star fell

  As I gazed with you,

  And in a quiet whisper

  My dream came true.

  You touched my heart

  In places unknown,

  You sparked a fire

  My feelings have grown.

  Please know I care deeply

  This promise is true,

  My thoughts and my feelings,

  Are only of you.

  ********

  In February, the buzz in the school hallways was all about someone new.

  “Dude, did you check out the new meat?” Mac smacked Jack in the arm while we stood at our lockers.

  “Dude, I’m right here…girlfriend, remember?” I scolded Mac as
I pointed to myself.

  “Oh, yeah, sorry, Addy.” Mac turned to the kid on his other side whose name was Shane, and smacked him in the arm. “Dude, did you check out the new meat?”

  I shook my head and let out a frustrated sigh. He could not seriously be referring to the new girl as “new meat.” It was a nice reminder of my first impression of Mac. Then again, I couldn’t help but chuckle as I thought of the time Jack referred to me as “fresh meat” when we were in the “just friends” zone. Oh, how we have grown.

  “Dude, I know! She’s hot. I’d totally tap that,” announced Shane.

  Shane was an ignorant fool most of the time and today was no exception.

  I shook my head and said, “You guys make me sick.”

  “You’re just jealous,” Shane arrogantly replied.

  “Shane, don’t talk to Addy like that,” insisted Jack.

  “Coop, all I said was you’re just jealous.”

  “I know and I didn’t like your tone. Don’t even talk to Addy if you’re going to talk to her like that.”

  Shane rolled his eyes and turned back to Mac, someone who would appreciate his crude level of thinking.

  “Ah, my knight in shining armor,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He truly was, too. Jack was the type of guy who would literally take the shirt off his back and lay it over a puddle for me to cross over. He would walk through fire for me. It was touching that he’d come to my rescue, even if I hadn’t needed rescuing. It made me that much more attracted to him.

  Jack pulled me close and said, “She’s nothing compared to you.” Then he planted a big kiss on me, until we heard Principal Hryniewicz say, “Mr. Cooper…could you please release Miss Davis’ face?”

  Jack stepped back as his cheeks flushed. “Sorry, Mr. H,” offered Jack.

  “Remember, no PDA, buddy.”

  “No public display of affection…got it,” replied Jack as he nodded in acknowledgement.

  “Thank you, Mr. Cooper. Now let’s move along to class.” Mr. H clapped Jack on the back as he passed by. Our principal seemed to be an okay guy who was just doing his job. I heard he was so tired of people butchering his last name while pronouncing it that he insisted he be called either Mr. H or Principal H.

  Mr. H continued down the hall directing various individuals. “Mr. Fisher! Could you please release Mr. Johnson’s neck? Thank you! Let’s get to class people. Ladies, this isn’t a salon. You can do your hair and makeup later. Let’s move along folks.” He hollered out to people as he began to herd students like they were cattle.

  I had seen the “new meat” myself in the office just moments before and she was indeed very pretty. She gave Mimi a run for her money, not to mention me. Rumor had it she’d moved here from one of the larger cities of Montana—Billings. The minute I heard that I felt insecure. A beautiful girl who was a native of Montana was sure to be a temptation for Jack. I found myself being clingy the entire day. I seemed to constantly have my arm or hand on some part of Jack’s body, as if I was marking my territory like an animal.

  By the afternoon, an all senior class assembly had been called by the new librarian, Mrs. Thomas. She thought it would be fun for us to put on a school play called Our Town. Auditions would be held next week. The boys groaned but most of the girls were giddy with excitement. One voice in particular caught my attention. For the first time that day, I didn’t have some part of my body touching Jack’s when I heard a whisper, “I plan to try out and I hope he does, too. I need a hot leading man.”

  I turned my head just slightly to catch in my peripheral vision a finger pointing at Jack’s back.

  I heard someone whisper back to her, “He’s taken…by her.” I could only assume the other voice was pointing at me.

  “Guess I’ll have to fix that,” the voice whispered back. She seemed really confident, which annoyed me even more.

  I sat straight up and casually placed my hand on Jack’s back. I began to lightly caress him. He looked at me and smiled, “Thanks. That feels good,” he whispered to me. He seemed to be listening so intently to Mrs. Thomas he hadn’t heard a word that had just been said about us.

  “No problem,” I winked at him. Wink? I never wink! I knew I was acting foolish and should have been ashamed of myself. We had already made it clear he was mine and I was his, but my barely adult mind couldn’t think of what else to do and jealously was too wild of a beast to control.

  When the assembly finally ended, I faked a yawn as I stood stretching, turning around to seek out the face that matched the voice I had been overhearing. I spotted her immediately. It was the new girl—the new so-called hot, fresh meat—who I would find out later to be a beautiful girl named Brooke. We gave each other fake smiles.

  As we left the assembly, a few girls cried out to Jack, “You should audition, Jack. You’d be a great George.”

  “Yeah, uh…thanks,” Jack offered in return but he was confused. He turned to me and asked, “Who’s George?”

  “You’re not familiar with Our Town?” I asked.

  “No, I’m not. Who’s George? Is he the village idiot?”

  I laughed. “I hardly think so. He’s the character who marries the main character, Emily. There’s a wedding and a kiss in that play by the way. I’m fairly certain every girl in class wants you to be their leading man just to be the recipient of that kiss.”

  He laughed. “I doubt it,” replied the ever so humble Jack. “I don’t even know what this play is about and besides, acting isn’t my thing. If they need me to do something with the music or something like that then I’ll help, otherwise, it’s not my thing.”

  By the looks of Brooke, and by the sound of her confidence, she was sure to score the leading lady part so I couldn’t help the relief I felt. The idea of Jack kissing another girl, even if he was just acting in a play, was killing me. If he tried out, he was certain to get the part. He didn’t need to be able to act. He would get the part on pure looks and personality alone. I would bet a few teachers had an inappropriate crush on him.

  At the end of the day, as we rode home in Jack’s Jeep, he suddenly began to question me about the upcoming play.

  “Now, what’s this play about again? I kept hearing all day I should try out for the part of George,” said Jack.

  “And I bet you heard that from all the girls, too, right?” I could tell by the way he blushed that I was correct. “So did you change your mind? You want to play George?” I asked.

  “No. I’m just curious now.”

  “Well, let’s see, we had a production of this play at my school last year, so you’re in luck. I remember quite a bit. Emily and George are the main characters. I think they knew each other growing up or something like that. I know in one act, George asks Emily if she will write to him while he is away at college. She admits she is worried that George will lose interest in Grover's Corners—that’s where they live. She is mostly worried he’ll lose interest in her once he’s away.”

  “And?” asked Jack, his voice urging me to continue. I could tell he had become more than curious.

  “Well, George becomes unhappy as he thinks about the possibility that Emily will lose interest in

  him, so he decides he shouldn't go away.”

  A huge smile stole Jack’s face. I knew he was thinking this could be us; he was hoping that I, too, would get worried and decide I shouldn’t go to college. “So then what happens?” he urged me to continue.

  I went on. “Well, George tries to explain to Emily that he has decided to stay because of the way he feels about her.” I stole a quick glance at Jack. He continued to smile. “Um…well, in kind of half-spoken, awkward sentences, George and Emily end up expressing their love for one another.” I felt myself flush because I wasn’t sure I was still talking about the play anymore, or if I was predicting the future of Jack and Addy.

  There was suddenly a strange silence between us and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing that I was thinking.

  Jack spoke fir
st, “This is actually sounding like an interesting play.”

  “Really? I think it is depressing.”

  “Why? It sounds like a love story.”

  “Not if you like unhappy endings.”

  “What’s the ending?”

  “Well, it goes from the moment of George and Emily’s love confession to a moving wedding scene.”

  “Okay, still a happy story…then what?” Jack was eager for the ending.

  “Then it moves ahead I don’t know, I think about nine years, when Emily and her second child die after she gives birth.” I looked out the window. This was awkward. I knew Jack’s mother had nearly died giving birth to him. I now wished I hadn’t continued with the details of the play.