I heard him whisper, “I love you” to her. I fought back my tears as I watched her walk arm-in-arm with Michael. My dad had tucked tiny buds of baby’s breath in with the ivy and rose covered archway that served as their backdrop. This rose garden was indeed stunning, and it tugged at my heart that Jack and my dad had created this together. It was very much like the rose garden I often dreamed about. Once again, I felt disappointed my dream hadn’t been about me.
I gulped back a sob and Dad misread my reaction, patting me on the back, so I decided to let the tears flow and laid my head on his shoulder. Thank God Jack can’t see my face.
The ceremony was brief but lovely. They had written vows for one another. I helped Claire with her vows, telling me she wanted it to flow like poetry. With each word I had written I thought of Jack. There was an additional song in the middle of the ceremony which made me cry again. Dang that sappy country music!
We clapped as the minister pronounced them man and wife and told Michael he could kiss his bride. As soon as we left the garden, the reception began. The Kissin’ Kuzzins played music as everyone hugged and congratulated the bride and groom. I was now faced with avoiding Jackson Cooper. I carefully maneuvered through the crowd, greeting Zeek, Sallie, and Mimi. I came in on a conversation already in progress about Zeek and Sallie.
“…and to my surprise, she said yes,” said Zeek.
“Hey, guys. Who said yes to what?” I asked.
“Sallie did. I asked her out and she said yes!”
“What can I say…he was persistent,” said Sallie.
“Nothing wrong with persistence,” declared Zeek as he wrapped his arm around Sallie’s waist. He then gave her a quick peck on the cheek. I could tell from the sparkle in her eyes that she didn’t regret for one minute that she had accepted Zeek’s offer. Oh, how things can change after high school.
It was like a high school reunion with my Blue River classmates all gathering here today for Claire and Samantha. Everyone was buzzing about what they had been up to and avoiding any buzz about Jack.
I wandered off from Zeek and Sallie, making sure to greet as many people as I could while avoiding Jack. So far, I’d been lucky but running into him, having a conversation, looking him in the eye, and how that might grip my heart was nothing compared to what I saw on the dance floor. Dancing hand-in-hand was Jack and little, sweet Samantha. I heard, “Twirl me, Uncle Jack!” He quickly responded to her request. “Doesn’t my dress look pretty?” squealed Samantha.
Jack bent down and I couldn’t resist moving closer. He pretended he was whispering, but I could hear him clear as day, “Don’t tell your mama, but you’re the prettiest girl here tonight.”
Samantha’s eyes lit up and she wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him hard. “Thank you, Uncle Jack! Thank you!”
“Just telling the truth, Sam, but you’re welcome.” He held her tight and they spun around several times.
He makes it very hard not to love him. As I watched them, I could tell he’d been a strong presence in Samantha’s life, which immediately caused a twinge of regret in my heart. I’ve missed a lot. I should have been here to help Claire. Thank God she found Michael and thank God she’s always had Jack.
It was such a sweet tender moment that there was no way I could interrupt and really, it would only cause me more pain. I retreated to the food table, picking up a plate with a slice of butter crème frosted wedding cake. I had just taken a bite when I heard, “Are you saving a dance for me?” There was no mistaking Jack’s voice. My heart fluttered. Just like a waiter, he’d waited until my mouth was full before asking me a question. I turned to face him and saw he was waving a white napkin.
I quickly choked down the cake. “You surrender, huh?” I pointed to the napkin.
“Well, it is Claire’s special day. I figure we owe it to her.”
“I suppose you’re right and I accept your offer to dance, but only when it’s a slow song. You know I suck at that two-step stuff.”
He must’ve tipped the band, because as if on cue, they began to play a slow song. An amazing sunset was making its appearance, shooting rays of purple, pink and blue into the sky. The tiny, white lights hanging over the temporary, parquet dance floor began to twinkle. It was an extremely romantic setting. The summer breeze was warm, but not too warm, unlike Jack’s hand which he held out to me. I took it and was led out to the dance floor. I clasped my fingers around his neck as he placed both arms around my waist.
“You look good,” he complimented.
“So do you,” I blushed.
“I’d ask what you’ve been up to, but I already know. Your parents keep me posted.”
“Yeah, I hear you’ve been helping my dad a lot.”
“Yep. I have. I enjoy spending time with your parents. They’re great.”
“Your parents are great, too. I was glad I got to see your mom the other night.”
“Oh, yeah, she mentioned seeing you.”
There was a brief silence. This was becoming some weird who-can-compliment-the-other-person’s-parents-the-most conversation. We danced in silence a moment, just enjoying the feel of being next to one another when Jack couldn’t resist pulling me a little closer. His cheek met my forehead.
“I know I’m not the prettiest girl here tonight, so I appreciate the attention. Are you sure Samantha won’t mind you and I dancing?”
He threw his head back and laughed and immediately knew I had heard their conversation and seen their dance.
“Sam is amazing,” he declared.
“So we’re calling her Sam now?”
“Not everyone. Only Uncle Jack gets to call her Sam. It’s our special thing and Claire hates it.”
I giggled, only Jack would try to get under the skin of someone he loved like a sister and only Jack could get away with doing it.
I pondered if I could carry the entire dance through a conversation about Claire and Samantha, but I waited too long.
“I’ve really missed you, Addy.” His voice was a near whisper.
My heart continued to flutter incessantly, giving me great pause to reply. I finally whispered back, “I’ve missed you, too.”
That was all that needed to be said. I looked up at him and our eyes locked. Everything was just so perfect—we were at a wedding, slow, loving music played in the background, and there was a gorgeous sunset as a backdrop—I searched his face. My eyes landed on his lips and I moved in that direction, but my lips were met with Jack’s left hand index finger. He held my mouth at bay yet held my body close.
“Don’t,” he whispered.
Don’t? What the…! He’s rejecting me?
He continued, “Don’t kiss me unless you’re letting me back into your life. Don’t kiss me unless you can say you love me and most of all, don’t kiss me unless you can say you’re staying.”
I sucked in a breath, feeling stunned as blood rushed to my cheeks. I opened my mouth to speak, but my tongue simply danced behind my lips in an aimless rhythm, unwilling to say what he needed to hear. I really wanted to give Jack everything, including a life-long promise, but I couldn’t because I knew it would change my life in ways I wasn’t ready for and frankly, it scared the crap out of me. Even though I’d written the letter saying I would come home after graduation, I got his letter first. I had come too far in getting over him and if we didn’t work out, I couldn’t bear going through it again.
I began to shake my head back and forth. “Jack, I…I…it’s just that…” My head was screaming, tell him you’ve decided to come home! Tell him about your letter!
He took one step back and said, “That’s what I thought.” He started to leave then stopped, turning back to face me. “Know what, Addy? Love isn’t like one of your photographs. Time won’t just stand still while you decide if you want me or not. I think it’s more like a waterfall that just keeps spilling over an edge, over and over because it doesn’t run out of water. If we just keep loving each other, our waterfall won’t run dry. Go ove
r the edge with me, Addy. It just might be the ride of a life-time.”
He stood staring intently at me, waiting for my response. I could see tears forming in his eyes which rocked me all the more. Everything about this moment was literally gripping my heart and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Hot tears fell over my cheeks and when I opened my mouth to speak, no words escaped. I was dumbfounded by my ignorance. If I was smart, I would run into his arms and love him forever!
When I didn’t respond, he offered, “Bye, Addy. Have a nice life.”
As I watched him walk away, I wanted to call out and make him stop but the voice in my head said, let him go, Addy, let him go. I had now reached my breaking point. I won’t do this again. I can’t. My fear would keep me from moving forward or moving back. Maybe I had finally realized he meant every word when he said, “Don’t kiss me unless you’re staying” or maybe what he said in his letter was true; if you love someone, sometimes the best thing for them is to let them go. I watched him leave, knowing he would put his fears aside and move forward. He would somehow learn to love someone else and that thought was even more agonizing.
********
Jack’s Journal
Saturday, August 10
Claire’s Wedding Day
I went to the graves of Abigail and Zachary Jackson today. My mom’s parents were the only grandparents I ever knew and they were the greatest example of strong love. They met when they were very young, married young, and remained married until their deaths. I’m sure they are together now in Heaven.
Why can’t Addy and I have that love? Why? Actually, wait—I know we have that love and that she is THE ONE for me. She is the reason I breathe in and breathe out. I don’t want her to go through life never opening the gift that love is. I pray there is a day that she is able to let down those walls that protect her and that she can bare her soul to me.
But honestly, I don’t know if I’ll still be standing there waiting for her. I told her today at Claire’s wedding that life wasn’t like one of her pictures—time won’t stand still while she decides if she wants me or not. If it were possible to stop time for her I would, but it’s impossible to wait for what seems like forever. I just can’t.
38. Premonition
I had never considered myself a psychic, but I had a great deal of experience with my dreams becoming reality. Today, I couldn’t shake what had been appearing to me each night—Jack and a car wreck. I was probably just paranoid because of Aaron’s accident last year. I had dreamed that, too. I had learned I couldn’t change fate. However, even if I could decipher the clues of my dreams, it wouldn’t change what was determined by a higher power. I tried to think of other things to avoid reflecting on my disturbing car wreck dream, which only led to other unpleasant thoughts.
Maybe it was the guilt I was feeling about how things were left at Claire’s wedding seven months ago. No matter how busy I kept myself, my mind kept going back to that night:
“Don’t kiss me unless you’re letting me back into your life. Don’t kiss me unless you can say you love me and most of all, don’t kiss me unless you’re staying.”
I remembered his words exactly, reviewing them over and over. Every day I asked myself if I should have gone after him.
It was now spring break and to my surprise, I found myself regretting that I had decided not to go to Montana. I missed my parents. I even missed Aaron. Simply put, I felt like I should be there and not here, which was certainly a first for me.
Aaron was still in physical therapy for the hand injury and I really wanted to see him and how much he had improved, hoping to erase the image of him being so “broken.”
I started my day with feelings of dread, which caused the day to drag on with an almost unbearable anxiety. Even now, as I rushed back to my dorm room, doom hung in the air. As I approached my door, I could hear my cell phone ringing—why I had left it on my dresser! I fumbled with my keys, feeling like I would never gain control of my fingers. I just know something is wrong!
“Addy,” I heard Mom’s voice and her tone told me I was right. Something was wrong.
I rushed her—“Mom! What’s wrong?” I demanded, “I just know something’s wrong. Tell me!”
“Honey, you’d better sit down.” She paused, as if waiting for me to take a seat, so I did.
“Addy, it’s Jack. He’s been in an accident.”
Her words were jarring. My stomach flip-flopped and I thought I would literally vomit.
“Mom,” my voice cracked, “Is he…okay…?” There was no way I could ask if he was dead; he couldn’t be. Despite the passing of time and how unresolved it was between us, I loved Jack beyond all possible reason.
“Addy, he sustained a head injury and he’s in the ICU at St. Mary’s Hospital, but the doctors are saying he’s in the clear.”
I let out a sigh of relief, “Oh, thank God! What happened?”
“They think he fell asleep at the wheel, but they’re not one hundred percent sure.”
“I’m on my way. I have to be there.” I am really getting sick of ending up at St. Mary’s!
“Addy, I do believe Jack would want you to be here, I do, but I think you should know…”
I had already disconnected the call before she could finish her sentence. She could tell me whatever it was she had to say when I arrived in Middleburg.
It didn’t matter anyway. I had to go; no, I needed to be with him.
At this moment, time was my friend. Spring break had just begun. I could leave with relatively few complications. Plans changed and Kate would understand. She knew how important Jack was to me. I threw my clothes into a carry-on bag, left Kate a note, and called a cab.
I was fortunate enough to find a flight with only one stop in Salt Lake City, Utah. I arrived in Middleburg four hours later, but too much time had already passed. My nerves were getting the best of me and my body began to shake. At just the perfect moment, a taxicab arrived at the airport. I hailed it, got in and threw out the name of the hospital so fast he didn’t understand and I had to repeat it.
It took a mere twenty minutes to get from the airport to hospital. The taxi driver let me out at the front entrance. I handed him a fifty dollar bill, which was more than enough money to cover the fare and a tip, yelling, “Keep the change!” as I exited the car. I walked as quickly as I could to the elevator. I rode it up to the ICU, only to find that Jack had been moved to a regular room. I went back to the elevator and pressed the number five repeatedly. When I reached the fifth floor, I flew out the doors and down the hall to room 503. I gave a slight tap on the door, but didn’t hesitate. I needed to see him so desperately that I didn’t wait for a response and pushed through the door, threw my bag on the floor, and stopped dead in my tracks.
Who the hell is she?
Sitting in a chair next to Jack’s bed was my worst nightmare. She was a perfectly adorable and beautiful young lady who turned to look at me as she brushed the hair from his eyes. She had long, blond hair and wore it in a braided ponytail. She was slender and looked like a rodeo queen. She was the perfect fit for Jack. This sucks. She looked as though she’d been crying. Please tell me she’s a cousin. My instincts told me otherwise because she was looking at him the way I knew I did.
“Jack” I let his name more breathlessly than I had planned.
“Addy?” He was groggy, but coherent. My name came out clear as a bell, “Addy—is that you?”
“Yeah, Jack it’s me. I got here as quickly as I could.”
My legs went numb and I couldn’t move myself forward. I felt like an intruder on a private conversation as brief silence ensued.
“Addy, hey, I’m Hannah,” petite Miss Hannah stood and extended her hand to me. I towered over her. She had to be barely over five feet tall. Her brown eyes were as big as a doe’s. Why did she have to be so cute and so polite?
“I’ve heard a lot about you, Addy,” she offered. Her voice was kind. There wasn’t a hint of anger or jealousy.
�
�Oh, really? That’s funny because I haven’t heard anything about you.” I knew that probably sounded as mean out loud as it did in my head but I didn’t care. I was confused, hurt, and embarrassed. It immediately struck me what my mom thought I should know before coming to Montana. No wonder there are twenty missed calls from mom’s number on my cell.
The expression on Hannah’s face immediately changed from sweet to “don’t push me—I didn’t say I LIKED hearing about you.” I didn’t know how much Jack had confessed to her and decided to back down. I wouldn’t want to put him in a sticky situation of explaining the story of us if he hadn’t already done so.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so nasty. I’m just—totally exhausted from travel and lack of sleep—” I really couldn’t explain the truth without it becoming awkward so I let my voice trail off.
My Blue River Page 45