Hannah’s former sweet face returned and she cut me off with the wave of her hand, “It’s fine, really. I understand.” I couldn’t decide if I liked that better or not.
“So how is he?” I asked
“The doctors are actually amazed at his progress. It’s not as bad as they initially thought so we’re hopeful for a full recovery. He has no brain damage whatsoever.” She looked back at Jack with nothing but complete affection in her eyes. It’s official; I hate her.
“So, nothing beyond his pre-existing brain damage then?” I joked.
Jack chuckled and muttered, “Be nice.” I laughed but Hannah didn’t find the humor in my joke.
I looked back at her beautiful face. She seemed so real and genuine. She didn’t have one ounce of makeup on her face and was still gorgeous. I suddenly felt ill at the realization of how she belonged in Jack’s life and I didn’t, which was my cue to hurry this visit along.
“Well, I won’t stay long. He needs his rest I’m sure. Can I have just a minute with him?” I asked.
“Oh, sure, I’ll leave you two alone. I need to find a soda machine anyway.”
Hannah left, but not without a backward glance, which was not at Jack but at me. I couldn’t quite read her expression but I sensed my presence was concerning her.
I waited for the door to close then pulled the chair closer to Jack’s bedside. I reached for his hand but pulled back before he noticed I was reaching for him. It was no longer my place to touch him or offer comfort.
“Jack, I’ve been so worried. How are you—really?” I asked.
He looked sleepy, but I could tell he wanted me there. When I got a good look into his eyes, I realized he didn’t seem the same and it wasn’t from the effects of the accident. It was from the effects of the Hannah. This is so painful. I knew he would move on at some point. I had made it abundantly clear from our first kiss that I would one day leave Blue River and return to California. Even after everything Jack and I had been through, I had still managed to do exactly that—I had left Blue River. Jack swore he wasn’t a man of ultimatums, but he had basically given me one at Claire’s wedding, even though his letter said he’d just admitted defeat. Part of me wanted to tell him I thought he was a hypocrite and the other part of me wanted to let the whole matter go and continue moving forward. I’ve come too far in my healing process to go back now.
The consequences of my choices were hitting me square in the face right now and it didn’t feel so great. We could never be more than just friends. I wasn’t even sure we could be friends because even that would be a reminder of how we could have been more. We had come so close. Jack had even considered moving to California, but then his dad had a heart attack and that changed everything. I told him in a letter I would move to Montana after graduation, but his letter reached me first, telling me he was letting me go—he wasn’t the right man for me—I never mailed my letter. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut as I thought of that day.
“I’d hug you but—” he lifted his arms to show the tubes connected to him that kept him in place.
“Gee, why not?” I said jokingly. “I’ll just keep in mind you owe me a hug, okay?” I tried to sound light-hearted but my voice cracked and my heart felt like an anchor that was slowly sinking to the bottom of an ocean.
“It’s a deal,” he offered a weak laugh.
“So…” It was inevitable; I had to go there. “Hannah seems nice. She’s cute, too.”
“Oh, yeah, she’s great. I was going to call and tell you about her, but since you’d written me off—”
“I didn’t write you off!” I caught myself from shouting. “You gave me an ultimatum at Claire’s reception, remember? Then you walked away before I could respond. By the way, I thought you weren’t a man of ultimatums.” I guess I can’t help but point out the hypocrisy after all.
“Oh, you had plenty of time to respond Adelaide—plenty of time. You couldn’t say what I needed to hear so I left.” His voice was somber and he paused, as if he was remembering the exact moment and each word we had said to one another. “And yeah, I guess it was an ultimatum and I’m sorry for that, but seven months have passed so I’m guessing you’ve moved on, too. So, who’s the lucky guy?” he sarcastically asked.
“Honestly? I’m not sure I’ve moved on and I certainly don’t have a “lucky guy” in my life. I’m not the person with someone at my hospital bedside.”
He cut me off. “Addy, please. I just can’t do this. You made it clear back when you moved to Blue River. I tortured myself by dating you. I tortured myself by loving you even when I always knew you’d leave me. I took the chance that I could change your mind. I gambled and lost. That’s that.” He shrugged his shoulders. Whether it was his words or his pain, I didn’t know, but he winced.
“I don’t know what to say,” I replied.
He turned his face to look at me. His expression was serious and intense. “Say you love me.”
My head snapped back in surprise. “What?”
“Say you love me and that you’ll stay and never leave me.”
My eyebrows shot up. I wondered for half a second if I was fantasizing the entire moment and pinched myself.
Jack reeled me back into reality. “Addy? Did you hear me?”
“Huh? I mean, yeah, I heard you. What about, Hannah?” I asked.
“If you gave me one fragment of hope, I would end it with her.” He looked hopeful as he waited for my response.
I said nothing. His words were shocking and I was still trying to decide if this was real or fantasy. I knew in my heart it was real and wanted to blurt out “Yes, Jack. Anything for you!” but before I could respond, Hannah was tapping at the door and although Jack was still looking at me, hoping I would respond, it wasn’t the time or the place to finish this conversation.
I mouthed the words “later” to him. He nodded in understanding.
I stood up and said, “Well, I am relieved to see you in one piece.” He had cuts and bruises, but otherwise looked good. Thank God his beautiful face hadn’t been touched by any wound that wouldn’t heal. I couldn’t say the same thing about my heart. “I’ll be by tomorrow, okay?” I turned to the adorable “rodeo queen” and extended my hand, “Nice to meet you, Hannah.”
“You, too Addy,” she replied as we shook hands. She eyed me suspiciously and her grip was firm. If I hadn’t known better, I would’ve thought she was trying to intimidate me, but that impression was so directly opposite of her appearance and demeanor that I dismissed it. Her eyes darted back and forth between me and Jack. She had to have felt the tension in the air because it was thick as smoke.
I turned to walk away, but stopped for a final look. My head was still buzzing from what Jack had just said, “If you gave me one fragment of hope, I would end it with her”—the words were still running through my mind. What would I do? What would I say? He needs an answer. I gave one final wave then left the room as quickly as my legs would carry me. I didn’t want either of them to see my pained expression.
I left the hospital and stood outside, tears streaming down my face, suddenly realizing I didn’t have a car. I fished my cell phone from my purse and hit speed dial number 2—Mom. She was already on her way, suspecting I needed her when she couldn’t get through to prepare me for the news of Hannah. All the calls I had ignored from my mom were to warn me and I now wished I had answered the phone.
I didn’t even need time to ponder my decision. I knew what I would have to tell Jack, whether I really wanted to or not. I would tell him that it was my turn to let go and that I now knew Hannah was a better fit for him than me. I love him enough to let him go. After all, she was a Montana girl. I remembered the rodeo Jack and I had gone to, when I visualized him with a woman just like Hannah. It all made sense now. It wasn’t one of my confusing dreams, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t stop those from happening any more than I could stop this. It would never work. I just had to keep reminding myself, over and over, it would never work. I would
make the greatest sacrifice of my life. I would give Jack up and he would find happiness with someone else.
********
When I returned to Blue River, I realized I needed to know Hannah wouldn’t be at the hospital in the morning so I called Jack. He was excited that I wanted to visit him in the morning. He joked that I should bring him a Cattle Club steak because hospital food sucked, carefully avoiding our eminent discussion.
After calling him to make sure we would have time alone in the morning, I cried myself to sleep and even then, it was a fitful sleep, plagued with frequent tossing and turning. When morning arrived, I wondered if I had even slept at all. I stared at the monster in the mirror. The tortuous night of crying had left me looking completely unrecognizable. My eyes were puffy and what you could see of the whites of my eyes was now red and blood shot. I was reliving exactly the way I felt right about this time last year. This has to end.
I tried to improve my appearance so I wouldn’t enter his room looking distraught, but he would take one look at me and know I wasn’t there to tell him what he wanted to hear. He wanted to say I would never leave but I knew I couldn’t utter that sentence. I had the sinking feeling that even if I said I would return after graduation, that wouldn’t be soon enough for him and he’d still give me an ultimatum. If only Jack would wait for me, but I knew it was selfish of me to ask that of him. He wanted marriage and a family and those were two things I wasn’t even sure I wanted anymore—at least not at this point in my life.
I shook my head in dismay, giving up on any attempt for physical improvements. Nothing is going to help this face today. I put my clothes on and left. I didn’t bother with breakfast; I would have thrown it up anyway. I sat in my truck for a long time, staring at the key in the ignition, almost unable to start the engine. My premonitions were useless. It would have been nice to know I’d be faced with this moment—this gut-wrenching decision. Had I known, I would have never come back.
I finally started the car and headed for Middleburg. Every goodbye with Jack was miserable, but this would now go down in history as the worst goodbye ever. There would never be another happy moment between us. As I pondered what my words would be, the next thing I knew, I had arrived at St. Mary’s Hospital. I sat in my truck, trying to gather the strength to go inside, wanting to believe there was hope for us. But each time I ran through the possible scenarios that would lead to a successful relationship, I simply couldn’t find one. We were both too stubborn. I shut my burning eyes and lay my head on the steering wheel. I have to do this. I have to let Jack go. Hannah was the perfect match for him and she would make him happy. There was no denying that fact. She was probably ready to marry Jack tomorrow and have ten of his kids. I gripped the steering wheel and gave it a slight pound with my forehead. It was time to face the inevitable.
Although we had all morning alone, it wouldn’t take long to deliver the crushing blow. I slowly walked into the hospital, entered the elevator and took the ride to the fifth floor. It felt like a scene in a movie as I walked to Jack’s room—a scene without a happy ending. I hate this movie.
I tapped on the door and entered. I immediately looked down, unable to meet his gaze. When I finally managed to raise my head, Jack’s glistening brown eyes met mine. There was a near audible shatter of his heart as he turned his face away from mine and looked out his window. It felt like an automatic reaction I, too, looked away.
Jack broke the silence first. “Come here, Addy. Please,” he patted the free space on his bed.
I walked to his bed, choking back tears. As I sat down by his side my lips began to tremble. I felt his hand on mine and lost all resolute to be strong and brave. The tears flowed freely like a broken water faucet and my body shook with each sob.
“Why can’t we fix this?” he asked in a whisper.
I sniffed and shook my head. If I were to be honest with him and with myself, I would have said, “Because I’m a stubborn idiot. I’m selfish and it took too much out of me to get over you once before and if it doesn’t work out I’ll never survive the pain of losing you again. Because I’m too proud to admit that I’m afraid.” I couldn’t utter a single one of those words as emotion strangled my ability to speak.
Jack sniffed and wiped away a tear. He said, “It’s okay. I’ll be okay. I guess we knew this day would come, right?” He didn’t really wait for my response. “Come here,” he pulled me close, guiding my head to rest upon his chest. As I listened to his heartbeat, I thought at any moment I would hear it stop beating.
I finally mumbled, “I love you, Jack. I truly do love you and I know with certainty, I will never love anyone like I love you.”
“I know you do. I feel the same way. But like we’ve said before, we just met at the wrong time and the wrong place. Love just isn’t enough for us, I guess.” His voice cracked as he spoke. “I always thought it would be, I really did, but I was wrong.”
I pressed myself up to peer into his eyes. I wiped a runaway droplet from the side of his face and moved up for a kiss, but decided it wasn’t right. But Jack did. He wrapped his only free hand around me and pulled me in. It wasn’t passionate, but more of a lingering kiss that said, “goodbye.”
I pulled back and stared at his face, scanning every angle, trying to capture everything about him. Mentally, I tucked it into the part of my mind reserved for special memories. The memories that were good, yet painful, and would only be pulled from the vault on special occasions, or when a broken heart dreams. I wanted to launch into some type of speech that could somehow make this better for both of us, but there was no speech eloquent enough to take away this type of pain.
“Hannah is a lucky woman,” I said, which seemed like a really stupid statement considering I had just thrown away my chance to be that lucky woman. He offered a faint smile.
He opened his mouth to speak then quickly snapped his jaw shut. We both knew there was nothing left to say. I stood and very slowly and very reluctantly released his hand, trying to memorize the feel of his skin as my hand slipped away from his. I walked backwards to the door, not wanting to miss a second of our last moment together.
“Goodbye, Jack.”
“Goodbye, Addy.
I left the room and sprinted for the elevator. Tears poured over my cheeks as I ran out of the hospital and quickly into the safety of my car. I fell over onto the seat and sobbed until I could sob no more.
********
Jack’s Journal
Wednesday, March 20
It finally happened. It ended. WE ended. It’s really, truly, finally, over with Addy and it’s even more painful than how I imagined. I knew she would come to the hospital today looking a total wreck (and she did) and unable to say what I needed her to say (and she couldn’t).
Her dad told me seven months ago he knew his daughter would finish what she started. His exact words were, “she’s a stubborn one.” Unfortunately, she started her life plan long before she met me. He also told me she feels pressured to live up to her mom’s expectations and that now she was feeling some guilt about something with her mom (which I know nothing about) and he thinks that’s what keeps her so driven to graduate from UCSD. Well, her drive and ambition took us from bent to broken. She doesn’t see that she can have it both ways. She really could. I lead with my heart and she leads with her head.
I’ll never put my Gramma Abigail’s engagement ring on her finger. Hell, I haven’t even put the promise ring I bought her on that finger. After all these years, it still sits in my desk drawer. But I’ll never put my Gramma’s ring on Hannah’s finger either. What do I do? Hannah won’t wait forever and she won’t play second fiddle to Addy. I’ve been so unfair to Hannah. She brings up marriage and I manage to avoid the subject. The guilt of not loving her like I love Addy has been too much to deal with and I know I really need to make it up to her but right now I can’t think of that. I feel like I’m grieving a death. I guess I am. I just saw my life with Addy pass away when she backed out the door today.
39. Re-Birth
My dad warned me this day would come. Jack had become the one who got away and I now felt deep regret as I stared down at the wedding invitation I had just received in the mail.
Mr. and Mrs. Parker are pleased to announce
the marriage of their daughter,
My Blue River Page 46