Allison's Journey

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

Should I continue to write Aaron letters? she wondered. Or would it be better if I made a clean break? Allison continued to ponder the situation as she sewed the doll. Maybe she should wait until after Christmas to make a decision. Or would it be better to do it now, while it was fresh on her mind?

  “The letter can wait,” she murmured as she slipped a piece of muslin under the pressure foot of the treadle machine. “Right now I need to concentrate on making this doll and deciding which verse of scripture to attach to it.”

  “Let’s get these stalls mucked out now, and then we’ll go outside and get that hay unloaded that we’ve got on the wagon,” Herman said to Peter as they entered the barn.

  “Good idea,” Peter agreed. “The cows aren’t as agreeable when they come in for the night and find dirty stalls.”

  Herman chuckled. “I think it would take more than a clean stall to put some of our cows in an agreeable mood.”

  “Jah—like Aunt Catherine. She’s rarely in a good mood.”

  “She’s got a good excuse for being grumpy these days,” Herman said as he handed Peter a shovel.

  Peter nodded as he began to muck out the first stall. “Remember when you and I talked about whether Allison has a boyfriend back in Missouri?”

  “Jah.” Herman lifted a clean bale of straw onto his shoulders and carried it to the stall.

  “Well, I had a talk with her about that a few days ago, and I keep forgetting to tell you what she said.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She admitted that she’s in love with someone, but she wouldn’t say who, and she said it was over between them.” Peter grunted as he scooped a shovelful of cow manure into the wheelbarrow. “I think Allison believes her place is here now, caring for us. She’s certainly doing a good job, too,” he added.

  “You’re right about that. She may have left Lancaster County a tomboy, but she came home a woman, capable of running a household by herself.” Herman set the bale of straw on the floor and grabbed a pitchfork. “I’m just sorry to hear she began a relationship that was over before it really had a chance to begin.”

  “When I mentioned her returning to Missouri, she said she felt obligated to us. She thinks once Aunt Catherine is gone, she’ll be needed here even more.”

  Herman nodded. “We’ll have to see about that when the time comes.”

  “What are you doing over there?” Aaron asked his youngest sister, Emma, as he stepped into the barn and discovered her huddled in one corner near some bales of straw. Since he’d heard their mother call Emma a few minutes ago, he figured the child must have sneaked off to the barn to play with the kittens when she should have been inside helping set the table for supper.

  Emma jumped, like she’d been caught doing something bad, and she looked up at Aaron with both hands behind her back.

  “What have you got that you don’t want me to see?” he asked, taking a step closer.

  She backed away, until her legs bumped the bale of straw. “Nothin’. Just girl stuff.”

  “What kind of girl stuff would you need to hide?”

  She hung her head but gave no reply.

  “Emma, hold out your hands so I can see.”

  Her shoulders trembled, and Aaron guessed she was close to tears.

  “If you’ve got something you’re not supposed to have, you’d better give it to me.”

  “I. . .I didn’t mean to keep it. I was only gonna borrow it, but then—”

  “Borrow what, Emma?”

  The child sniffed, and when she looked up at Aaron, he saw tears in her eyes. “I borrowed this—from Allison Troyer.”

  Aaron’s mouth dropped open as Emma extended her hands, revealing a faceless doll with no kapp on its head. He knew immediately it was the one Allison’s mother had given her when she was a young girl. The one Allison’s aunt had told him was missing.

  “Why, Emma? Why would you take something that wasn’t yours?”

  Her voice quavered when she spoke. “I–I’ve asked Mama to make me a doll, but she always says she’s too busy takin’ care of Grandma and Grandpa Raber. I think she loves them more’n she does me.”

  Aaron’s heart went out to Emma, even though he knew what she had done was wrong. He knelt in front of the little girl and gathered her into his arms. “If I had known you wanted a doll so badly, I would have asked Allison to make you one. She sews faceless dolls and sells them.”

  Emma opened her mouth as if to say something, but he cut her off. “As far as our mamm loving her folks more than she does you, that’s just plain silly. Grandpa and Grandma have some health problems, and she wants to care for them during their old age. But you’re her little girl, and she loves you very much.” He patted her gently on the back. “Remember when you were in the hospital because of your appendix?”

  “Jah.”

  “Mom and Paul. . .uh. . .your daed, came to see you every day. Fact is, during the first twenty-four hours after your surgery they never left the hospital. Did you know that?”

  She hiccupped on a sob. “Huh-uh.”

  “Do you think they would have done that if they didn’t love you?”

  “I guess not.”

  Aaron took the doll from his sister. “This isn’t yours, and taking it was wrong. You’ll need to tell Mom what you’ve done.”

  Tears streamed down Emma’s cheeks. “Do I have to, Aaron? What if she gives me a bletsching?”

  Aaron gently squeezed her shoulders. “I haven’t known our mamm to give out too many spankings over the years, but I’m sure you’ll receive whatever punishment she feels you deserve. And if Mom knows how important having a faceless doll is to you, she’ll either find the time to sew a doll or she’ll buy one for you. Why don’t you ask after you’ve told her what you’ve done?”

  “I. . .I will.”

  Aaron stood. “I’ll see that this doll is sent to Allison, and I’ll be sure and tell her how sorry you are for taking it.”

  She nodded. “Jah, please tell her that, for I surely wish I hadn’t done it.”

  He pointed to the barn door. “Run into the house now and set things straight with Mom. I’ll be in shortly.”

  Emma hesitated, gave Aaron a quick hug around his legs, and darted out the door.

  Aaron stared at the bedraggled-looking doll. “Allison will sure be surprised when I mail her this.” He smiled. “Maybe I’ll wait and send it to her for Christmas.”

  Allison crept quietly into her aunt’s room, unsure if she would find her asleep or not.

  The floor squeaked, and Aunt Catherine’s eyes fluttered open. Allison smiled, but Aunt Catherine only stared at her with a vacant look. Doesn’t she know who I am? How close might she be to dying?

  “Aunt Catherine, I brought you something,” Allison said as she approached the bed.

  No response.

  “It’s a faceless doll, and I made it myself.” She held the doll in front of her aunt’s face.

  Aunt Catherine moaned, as though she were in terrible pain.

  “Are you hurting real bad? Is there something I can get for you?”

  “I–I’ve always wanted one.”

  “What do you want?”

  “A faceless doll.” Aunt Catherine lifted a shaky hand as tears gathered in the corner of her eyes.

  Allison handed the doll to her aunt, and the woman clutched it to her chest with a trembling sob. “My mamm wouldn’t allow dolls in the house when I was a girl—not even the faceless kind.”

  “I–I’m so sorry.” Allison’s throat clogged with tears. Through all the years Aunt Catherine had lived with them, she’d never thought about how things must have been for her aunt when she was a child. Allison knew Aunt Catherine had grown up with seven brothers and no sisters, but she didn’t have any idea the poor woman had been denied the pleasure of owning a doll. All this time, Allison had focused only on how mean Aunt Catherine was and how she’d never felt that the woman cared for her. Maybe if she’d shown love first, it would have been given in return.


  “Wh–what’s this?” Aunt Catherine asked, touching the slip of paper pinned to the back of the doll’s skirt.

  “A verse of scripture,” Allison replied. “It’s one Aunt Mary quoted to me one day, and then I asked Jesus to forgive my sins. Would you like me to read it to you?”

  Aunt Catherine’s expression turned stony, and Allison feared she might throw the doll aside or yell at Allison to get out of the room. Instead, her aunt began to cry. First it came out in a soft whine, but then it turned to convulsing sobs. “I’ve sinned many times over the years.” She drew in a raspy breath. “When I learned I had cancer, I wanted to die quickly, but now that my time’s getting close, I’m afraid because I. . .I don’t know where my soul will go. Oh, Allison, I’m so scared. I don’t think I’ll make it to heaven.”

  Aunt Catherine’s confession was almost Allison’s undoing. She took a seat on the edge of the bed and reached for her aunt’s hand. “You can go to heaven, Aunt Catherine. The Bible says we have all sinned and come short of the glory of God. But He provided a way for us to get to heaven, through the blood of His Son, Jesus.” She paused to gauge her aunt’s reaction. Aunt Catherine lay staring vacantly like she had when Allison first came into the room.

  “I used to feel faceless before God,” Allison went on to say. “I know now that I’m not faceless. The Bible tells us in Jeremiah 29:13: ‘And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.’ ” She smiled. “I had been searching for Jesus for some time, but it wasn’t until I accepted Him as my personal Savior that I felt a sense of peace and purpose for my life. I have every confidence that if I were to die today, my soul would enter into the place where my heavenly Father lives.”

  “Heaven,” Aunt Catherine murmured, as if she were being drawn back into the conversation.

  Allison nodded. “Romans 10:9 says, ‘That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.’ Aunt Catherine, would you like me to pray with you, so you can confess your sins and tell the Lord you believe in Him as your Savior?”

  “Jah, I would.”

  Aunt Catherine closed her eyes, and Allison did the same. Allison prayed the same prayer Aunt Mary had prayed with her and that Allison had prayed with James. Aunt Catherine repeated each word. When the prayer ended, a look of peace flooded the woman’s face. Allison knew that no matter when the Lord chose to take Aunt Catherine home, she would go to heaven and spend eternity with Him.

  Chapter 29

  As Allison headed down the driveway toward their mailbox in early December, she let her tears flow unchecked. Yesterday had been Aunt Catherine’s funeral. Despite any negative feelings Allison had harbored toward her aunt in the past, she would miss her. Aunt Catherine had been given the chance to make peace with God, and for that Allison felt grateful.

  Allison thought about Aunt Catherine’s final days on earth and the request she’d made one week before her death. “Peanut brittle. Let me taste some peanut brittle,” she’d said.

  Even though her aunt had been too weak to chew the hard candy, Allison had honored the appeal. Using the recipe she’d found tucked inside Aunt Catherine’s cookbook, Allison had made a batch of peanut brittle.

  She could still see the contented expression on her aunt’s face when she’d placed a small piece of it between her lips. “Umm. . .good.”

  Allison knew from that day on, whenever she ate peanut brittle, she would think of Aunt Catherine and the precious moments they had spent together over the last few months.

  Allison glanced at the letter in her hand. She had planned to wait until after Christmas to write Aaron and tell him she would be staying in Pennsylvania. But why prolong things? Wouldn’t it be better if she made a clean break so Aaron could move on with his life? Now that Aunt Catherine was gone, Papa needed Allison more than ever. As much as it hurt to tell Aaron goodbye, she knew it would be best if he found someone else.

  Allison opened the mailbox flap, placed the letter inside, and lifted the red flag. With tears blurring her vision, she turned toward the house. This is for the best—jah, it truly is.

  Aaron’s hands trembled as he read the letter he had just received from Allison. She wasn’t coming back to Webster County. Her aunt had died, and her father needed someone to cook and clean for him.

  “Doesn’t Allison know I need her, too?” he mumbled. “I don’t want to court anyone else. It’s her I love.”

  Aaron thought about the doll Allison’s mother had made and how he’d discovered his sister had taken it. He had planned to send the doll to Allison for Christmas, but he wondered if it would be best to put it in the mail now and be done with it.

  As the reality of never seeing Allison set in, he sank to the stool behind his workbench and groaned. “It isn’t fair.”

  “What’s wrong, son? You look like you’ve lost your best friend,” Paul said, moving across the room to stand beside Aaron.

  “I have lost a friend.” Aaron handed the letter to his stepfather. “Allison’s not coming back to Missouri. Her aunt passed away, and she says her daed needs her there.”

  “I’m sorry about her aunt—and sorry Allison won’t be returning to Webster County.” Paul placed his hand on Aaron’s shoulder. “You care for her a lot, don’t you, son?”

  Aaron nodded. There was no use denying it, but there wasn’t much point in talking about it, either.

  “From what I could tell when Allison was visiting for the summer, she seems a lot like your mamm,” Paul said.

  “She’s the kind of woman I’ve always wanted but never thought I would find.” Aaron grunted. “I wish now that I’d never met her.”

  Paul pulled another stool over beside Aaron and took a seat. “This isn’t an impossible situation, you know.”

  “As far as I can tell, it is.”

  Paul shook his head. “Have you forgotten that I used to live in Lancaster County?”

  “No, I haven’t forgotten. I remember when you first came here for your brother’s funeral and decided to stay so you could help Mom in the harness shop.”

  “That’s right. I thought I would only be here a few months—just until your mamm got her strength back after Davey was born. Then I figured I’d be on my way back to Pennsylvania, where I worked at my cousin’s harness shop.”

  “But you ended up staying and marrying Mom.”

  Paul nodded. “That’s right. I loved your mamm so much—and would have done just about anything to marry her.” He squeezed Aaron’s shoulder. “There is a way for you and Allison to be together.”

  “What way’s that?”

  “I could see if my cousin would be willing to hire you at his harness shop, and then you could move to Pennsylvania to be near Allison.”

  Aaron’s mouth dropped open. He’d thought about moving to Pennsylvania once—when he believed Joseph might want to take over the harness shop. “I couldn’t leave you in the lurch,” he mumbled. “Mom’s not able to help out here anymore, and there’s too much work for one man. Besides, this shop is supposed to be mine someday. That’s the way my real daed wanted it, you know.”

  “I realize that, Aaron, but what about what you want?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Is owning this harness shop more important to you than being with Allison?”

  Aaron didn’t have to think about that very long. He loved Allison so much it hurt. “Well, no, but I still wouldn’t feel right about leaving you to run the place all alone.”

  Paul pursed his lips, as though deep in thought. “Guess I could see if Zachary might want to work here—although he’s never really shown much interest in the harness shop, and I’d have to train him.”

  Aaron thought about Joseph and how he had asked about working in the harness shop but suddenly changed his mind. Just last week Joseph had found a new job working at the local buggy shop. He liked it there and really seemed to have found his niche
. Aaron figured it was just a matter of time before Katie received her parents’ blessing to marry Joseph.

  “What about asking Davey to work here?” Aaron suggested. “Do you think he might want to be your apprentice?”

  Paul pulled his fingers through the ends of his beard and pressed his lips together. “Between Zachary and Davey, I’m sure one of them would be willing to take your place so you can be with the woman you love.”

  Aaron blew out his breath. “You really think it could work?”

  “Don’t see why not.” Paul patted Aaron on the back. “When love’s involved, there’s got to be a way.”

  Aaron rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Guess I’ll have to give this matter some serious consideration.”

  “It wouldn’t hurt to pray about it, too.”

  Aaron nodded. “I’ll definitely be praying.”

  Paul started to walk away, but Aaron called out to him, “Can I ask you a question?”

  Paul turned around. “Sure, Aaron.”

  Aaron rubbed the bridge of his nose as he contemplated the best way to say what was on his mind. “I’ve. . .uh. . .been thinking about the way I’ve been calling you Paul for a while, and I’d like to go back to calling you Papa again, if you don’t mind.”

  Paul’s face broke into a wide smile. “I don’t mind at all.”

  “I’m glad to hear it, because I’ve come to realize that even though you’re not my real daed, you love me and my brieder just like our real daed would.”

  Paul clasped Aaron’s shoulder and gave him a hug. “You and your brothers are like real sons to me.”

  Chapter 30

  For the next several weeks, Allison forced herself to act cheerful in front of Papa and Peter. Last week Sally had come for a visit and told her that she and Peter planned to be married soon. Allison was happy about that. Even so, whenever she was alone in the house, she allowed her grief to surface. With Peter soon to be married, Papa would be lonely and would need Allison more than ever. There was no way she would be able to return to Missouri; she needed to accept that fact.