Find Me I'm Yours

by Hillary Carlip

  “Oh, dads are supposed to say that.” I think I was blushing. “Especially ones that have been estranged for years.”

  “I’m not just saying it. Don’t let your roommate or the model get to you. Be stronger. Be brighter.”

  Here I was giving in to bullshitty, patriarchal values where a woman’s worth is based solely on her looks. I could fight those values to the death, supporting any other girl or woman who felt degraded or less than. But when it came to myself? Not so much.

  I felt like I had just woken up from a deep, unconscious slumber.

  “You’re right.”

  And I always have given up on things before seeing them through. Maybe to keep myself from inevitable hurt or failure, ultimately harming myself more by quitting, I thought. “So you think I should finish the hunt?”

  “If you don’t, won’t you always be wondering?”

  Dad was totally right again. After all, look at how many years I had been wondering about him.

  Chapter 54

  DAY 12—MORNING

  Dad and I stayed up talking until 6:00 a.m. and I woke up at 8:00 a.m. feeling like a queen in a king’s bed. Well, a king bed—for the first time ever in my whole, I might add! And the fluffiest down comforter and pillows in the history of man AND womankind. If Dad and Ella had known I was coming, for sure there would have been freesias and tulips arranged just so on my nightstand.

  I could hear excited chatter downstairs, so despite only getting two hours of sleep, I hoisted my weary body out of the magic bed. I took what was, of course, the best shower I had ever taken in my entire life—with citron, honey and coriander body scrub and hibiscus shampoo. And it didn’t matter that I hadn’t brought a toothbrush. I opened a drawer and there were several unopened new ones, presumably for guests like me. Now I wondered if they had a fresh supply of underwear for overnight visitors. But a little water, scrub, and a blow-dryer did the trick and were all I needed to feel like a new girl.

  I could smell pancakes and bacon cooking, and like some cartoon—where the fumes drift under the door and go right into your nostrils and then carry you down the stairs by the nose to the kitchen—I was suddenly there.

  “Roxanne, no texting at the table. Phone down,” Ella called out. “Good morning, Maggie,” she said, as she handed me a glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice. “Did you sleep well?” She hugged me again. Today she smelled like mocha.

  “Amazing. That bed…”

  “I know. I’m surprised you were able to even get up! Sit there,” she said, pointing to an empty chair.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey.”

  “Hey.”

  My half- sibs and I greeted each other.

  “Pass me the pancakes,” Jimmy said to his mother.

  “Please,” she added.

  “Please what?”

  “Please pass me the pancakes.”

  “I asked for them first.”

  Ella and Roxanne and Jimmy laughed, even though it seemed like a familiar routine they had done a hundred times. If this was what a happy family looked like, I knew more than ever it was exactly what I wanted.

  “Let your sister get some first.”

  “I already had,” Roxanne answered.

  “I mean Maggie.”

  Was I gonna lose it again? Weeping into pancakes would not make a good second impression. I focused on my plate. “Thanks.”

  And then my dad walked in. He kissed everyone on the forehead, including me. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Hold it together, I chanted silently.

  We ate, joked, laughed, teased, and ate more, until my dad announced: “Time to go around the table.”

  “I’ll start!” Roxanne called out.

  “We do this every morning,” Dad explained. “Well, on weekdays. We share one thing we’re each excited about doing today. Starts the day off right.”

  Wow. I basically start off every day bracing myself for the onslaught of everything wrong that’s to come.

  Roxanne dove in. “Me and some friends are gonna hang out after school—”

  “Some friends and I,” Ella interrupted, correcting her grammar.

  “What, you’re coming, too?” Roxanne sassed back, carrying on the family shtick. They all laughed. “We’re gonna get ice cream.”

  “Excellent,” Dad said. “Jimmy?”

  “I have a basketball game after school and we’re gonna kick the Panthers’ asses.”

  I was waiting for someone to tell him to watch his language, but apparently ASS was OK. “Me” instead of “I”? Not so much.

  Ella chimed in, “Well, then, I’m going to leave work early and come watch you kick their asses!”

  Dad was next. “The most exciting thing for me today is having Mags here.”

  Ella turned to me and asked, “Can you stay?”

  It would have been so easy to snuggle up into the comforting womb of this home and family. But everything Dad said in one night had a lifetime of impact on me.

  “I’d love nothing more. You’ve all been so great to me. But I have to get back to L.A.” I looked at my dad. “There’s something important I have to take care of.”

  He smiled and nodded. “That’s my girl.”

  Chapter 55

  DAY 12—LATE MORNING

  It hadn’t even occurred to me to charge my phone until I realized I might need it as defense in case I ended up next to another chatty bus rider and didn’t feel like fakin’ a beat. Once I plugged it in, courtesy of Roxanne’s charger, I saw I had nine missed texts and four missed calls.

  My Nine Missed Texts

  By Mags Marclay

  1). Jason letting me know that the kids were fine and he was concerned about me.

  2). S.H.A.R.I.—looking for me—where was I?

  3). Coco in Florida, saying we needed to talk.

  4). Liza checking in to see if we were OK.

  5). AT&T reminding me my cell bill was overdue and if not paid within four days, my phone would be turned off.

  6). S.H.A.R.I.—worried that I’ve not been home. And where are the dogs?

  7). Mark checking in, hoping I’m having fun with my mom (yeah, right).

  8). S.H.A.R.I.—“I called your work and they said you’re no longer there. Now I’m really getting worried.”

  9). S.H.A.R.I.—“OK, Jason told me you went out of town and the dogs are with him. When are you coming home?”

  If the Faketress was really freaking out and worried, it was about time she felt some anguish (if she was even capable!) Not that I wish pain on anyone. Well, maybe no one EXCEPT HER. And just a tiny little bit. So I decided to let her worry some more, and ignored her texts.

  My Four Missed Calls

  By Mags Marclay

  1). Mom apologizing.

  2). Mom apologizing.

  3). Mom apologizing.

  4). Mom apologizing.

  Dad walked into the guest room. He had called in sick to work so we could spend more time together and he could take me to the bus.

  “What do I even do about Mom?” I asked him. “I’m so damn pissed at her.”

  “You can be mad at us both for not telling you the truth, but please don’t be mad at her for cheating on me. It all worked out perfectly like it should. I couldn’t be happier with Ella, and now that you and I have reconnected…” He sat on the bed next to me. “There’s just one thing left.”

  I knew what he was talking about, as I was thinking the exact same thing. “We might be able to catch him at lunch.” With my phone still plugged into the wall, I hit FaceTime.

  “Yo, Sis.” And there he was. Cooper, sitting in his loud, crazy school cafeteria.

  “Yo, Bro. Can you go out into the hall for a sec? I have something important to tell you. Need you to focus.”

  “OK.” The picture started weaving and freezing as he walked out. Then it stopped, in quiet. His adolescent face was filling the screen. “What up?”

  I just had to launch in. “Nothing went down the way we though
t. It’s a long story I’ll tell you all later. But right now I want you to talk to someone. I’m here with Dad.”

  I handed our dad the phone.

  “Hey, Cooper.”

  “Oh, uh, hi.” My brother was clearly taken aback, having only seen pics of our dad, since he was too young to remember what he looked like otherwise.

  “Wow, you’re all grown-up.” Dad’s eyes were filling with tears. “I missed everything. I’ve missed you.”

  Cooper didn’t know what to do with that. We had totally ambushed him. He just said, “Oh.”

  “Your sister and I have spent some wonderful time together. I hope we can do the same soon.”

  Again, Cooper just said, “Oh.”

  “I can come to New York or you can come here.”

  “Come to San Francisco,” I shouted. “You’ll never want to leave.”

  “I know this is weird and we’ve taken you by surprise,” my dad said. “Would you mind if I call you again some time?”

  “Uh, OK.”

  I took the phone back. “Sorry to freak you out with no warning, Bro. Call you when I’m back in L.A.”

  “Yeah.”

  And I hung up. “He’s going through a really rough time,” I said. “If you’re serious about wanting to connect, he could probably use a dad right now.”

  “Absolutely.”

  We were both kind of quiet as Dad drove me to the bus station. We had talked so long and hard all night, we were spent. As we cruised down Valencia something caught my eye. Street art. Everywhere.

  On trucks:

  And on apartment buildings:

  “Wow, this is awesome,” I exclaimed, with my newfound appreciation.

  “Well, if you dig this kind of thing, wait till you see this.” He drove a block farther and then parked by an alley. We got out of the car.

  “This is one of the most well-known spots for street art in San Francisco. It’s called Clarion Alley.”

  We were sandwiched between two walls covered in exquisite artistry:

  And of course what had recently become my favorite—messages speaking right to my core:

  And that’s just what I left San Francisco with. A connection with my dad that I never had dreamed of before, and a sidewalk full of ideas.

  Chapter 56

  DAY 12—NIGHT

  Apparently way more people come to San Francisco than leave it. At least on the 12:50 p.m. bus back to L.A. Not only did I have my own two seats, but also they were mercifully at the front of the bus, far away from the stanky bathroom. These things weren’t all that was different. I was too. It was time to take back my power. Time to live an UNcursed life. Maybe that even meant that I could get a job I actually enjoyed? Live in a place I loved with cool people? Make and sell art for real? So many possibilities had opened up. But they would all have to wait just two more days, because what was most important now was finishing the hunt.

  I texted Liza.

  I’m so so sorry. Couldn’t be happier for you and Kelly. Had an amazing POSI 24 hrs and realize a lot. Please forgive me for being Narcie Jr. will never go there again!!!!! Love you and only want good for you. For reals! Xxxxx

  She hit me back immediately.

  Right back at ya. I never doubted you. XOX

  Feeling better than I had in months, I took off my glasses and snuggled into the corner of my seat against the window. I hadn’t really slept in days, but last night’s reason—jamming seventeen years of my dad into one long night—was the best by far. Now was the perfect opportunity to catch up on some much-needed sleep. I started drifting off, finally letting my body go, feeling the first sense of peace I’d felt in such a long time. Suddenly there was something on my face. Something alive. Something crawling. I smacked it hard. OUCH!!! The motherfucker bit my eye!!!

  How can spiders be so much smaller than people, but torture us way more? This is what I should have done.

  But instead, the spider scurried down my shoulder and arm and ran off to some other unwitting victim.

  Oh well, sleep is highly overrated.

  After an eight-hour, twenty-minute ride, with six stops (including three visits to vending machines for me, featuring a KitKat® bar, LAY’S® Salt & Vinegar Flavored Potato Chips, and some Red Vines® washed down with instant coffee), we arrived in downtown L.A. By now, the spider bite itched like hell.

  Despite my huge protests, I discovered that Dad had slipped $200.00 into my coat pocket when we hugged goodbye. But now I was actually delighted that my pride hadn’t won out. Not only could I pay Jason back, but I could also take a cab to my apartment instead of walking for hours.

  It was time to confront the Flacktress. Tell her to stop freakin’ stealing from me!!!!! Ask her what happened at the Herlesque Club after I left. See if she had figured anything else out, and was now on the hunt for Mr. WTF herself. I had only thirty-seven and a half hours left to find him at some still undisclosed location, and I ran out on my last clue in a fit of insecurity. Should I go back to the Herlesque Club? Is destiny, or Destiny, still there? Or do I move on with the clues I already have?

  As the cab pulled up to my apartment, I saw a figure sitting on the stoop. It was too short to be S.H.A.R.I. (And besides, I don’t think she’d ever plant her expensive enhanced ass on ANY outdoor steps!) It could have been anyone waiting for anybody in the building. But when I got out, I saw braided pigtails, cat-eye glasses, and bright red lipstick.

  “Hey,” Coco said.

  “Hey.”

  “Before you tell me to go away, please hear me out.”

  “OK,” I said, still standing. She seemed surprised that I didn’t put up a fight.

  “I know how badly I fucked up. And it might have cost me the two most important things in my life—my marriage and my best friend.” She stood up. “I came back early from Florida to fix this. I’m so, so sorry about everything. I’ve been hanging out here since early this morning, waiting to apologize in person.”

  Now I sat down. “I just don’t understand why you couldn’t have told me about Mark. Why did you feel you had to lie to me?”

  Coco’s eyes welled up with tears. I realized that in the almost two years we’d been friends, I had never seen her cry once, while she had seen me cry, oh, probably five hundred times.

  “I was just so ashamed,” she explained. “You always said when it came to relationships, Blake and I were your role models. I didn’t want to disappoint you, didn’t want to be the one to burst your bubble. I actually love that you have hope. I lost it a long time ago and I didn’t want you to lose it, too.”

  Wow. I mulled it over. I could see what she was saying.

  She continued. “I know it sounds crazy, but in my mind I was being a good friend by not telling you what was going on.”

  “But by dragging me into it? Letting me start to like Mark?”

  “I honestly didn’t see that coming.”

  “No pun intended…”

  Coco smiled. Sort of.

  “I actually thought that was pretty fucked up of Mark to let that happen,” she said. “But whatever.”

  “Well, I think you and I were both using him anyways to distract us. Me from my past, you from your future.”

  “True that.” She sat back down close next to me. “I just felt that Blake was sucking the life out of me. I wanted to feel a spark. I needed to feel alive again. Mark helped me do that.”

  Now I felt bad for Coco.

  “But I’m done lying and cheating. And you know the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. Swears.”

  “I know.”

  She looked right at me and asked, “Will you forgive me?”

  Before I even could, she pulled out her iPad. “This Tumblr might not be as elaborate an apology as Jason’s IFckedUp, but I think you’ll agree that S.H.A.R.I.’s knee boobs trump all.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Yep, www.kneeboobs.com!”

  “Shut the fuck up! HYSTERICAL!”

  There, at the top of t
he site, was S.H.A.R.I. in all her glory.

  Coco had found some other random knee boob pics and uploaded them as well. AND there was a place for other peeps to submit and share their own. (So what are you waiting for?!)

  “You’re freakin’ crazy and that’s why I love you!”

  Coco took a deep breath. “So, we’re good?”

  “We’re good.” I lifted up my hand to high-five and we connected on the third attempt. Then we hugged.

  “By the way,” Coco added, “whatever you said to Blake—because of you, he’s at least talking to me now. Thank you.”

  “Do you think you guys can work it out?”

  “I don’t know. There’s a lot of stuff there that made me cheat to begin with, and now I don’t know if Blake can ever get past this. But if you can forgive me, at least there’s hope.”

  “Go talk to Blake. If you’re meant to stay together you’ll work it out. If not, you’ll know you tried.” I then repeated something my dad had said. “At least this way you won’t be left wondering.”

  “For sure. And you? I’m not seeing Mark anymore. I swear. He’s all yours if you want him. I know he’s really into you.”

  “Honestly, it just sorta feels like being with him would be like Jason all over again,” I answered. “I’m going after destiny. Whatever it ends up being. I’ll be sure to let you know what happens, Catfish or not!”

  “Yeah, sorry about that, too,” Coco said. “I was just being protective. I really hope you find Mr. WTF and he’s all you ever dreamed of and more.”

  “Thanks.”

  After Coco left, I braced myself as best I could before running into the apartment to get my computer and charger. I would then go to Fred 62, an all-night diner, and get back on track with the hunt.

  S.H.A.R.I. wasn’t home, and I was actually kinda relieved. Everything since my visit to San Francisco felt so drama-free. Maybe it was the start of a trend. Perhaps from here on in, my life would be easy and uncomplicated.