Chasing Mrs. Knightly (Chasing #5: Chasing Epilogue)

by Pamela Ann

  “I know.” She shook her head in dismay. “Anyhow, I was hoping I could invite you and Blake over for dinner to sort of lift his mood, then I’ll tell him later that night,” she suggested, eyeing me with those hopeful, pretty eyes.

  “Of course, we’d love to be there,” I replied without needing to think. “When do you plan to have it?” As if I’d ever say no. This meant everything to her. I wouldn’t dare stand in between that.

  “Tomorrow night. I hope that’s okay since it’s such a short notice, but I’m quite nervous. What if he tells me that he doesn’t want it anymore? We haven’t really spoken about babies for months now. We’ve just been so busy—”

  “Stella, you’re making up all this nonsense for nothing. Callum loves you, and he’s going to be over the moon when he finds out that he’s going to be a father soon.”

  She made a beaming smile. “I hope you’re right.”

  I knew I was where she and Callum were concerned. As for my own problems, though, I wasn’t even sure how to handle them.

  Maybe brushing it to the side and never mentioning it to anyone. Maybe, just maybe it would go away like it never happened. I mean, if it were true, Blake surely would’ve said something to me.

  Yeah, there was nothing to worry about until Blake himself confirmed it to me. Therefore, before that ever happened, the best thing to do was surely pretend that our marriage life was great. Apart from William’s health problems, Blake and I were stronger than ever.

  The Great Pretender

  Sienna

  “Blake?” I rushed out the moment he took the call. “You there?”

  After a long pause, there was a soft grumbling sound before I heard his voice. “I’m here.” That was all he said, not providing me anything else to work around his mercurial mood at the moment.

  Why wasn’t he being forthcoming?

  “How’s William? Is he up? I could come over. Let me just change, and I’ll be on my way. Do you want me to get you something to eat on the way?”

  “It’s fine. Actually, there’s no need for you to come because I’ll be heading home soon. We’ll speak then.” He sounded exhausted.

  Not wanting to press about the issue, I merely nodded before saying, “Okay, I’ll stay and wait for you then.”

  We said our goodbyes after a second, but even after we hung up, I felt the dread sink into me, hoping that what he meant with we’ll speak then was about his father and not the other problem I’d been meaning to hide from.

  He didn’t come home until two hours later, and in that space of time, I had managed to rearrange my closet just to pass the time because I was so strung up with tension. If I pondered for another second what would come out of Blake’s mouth the second he came home, it would drive me mentally ill.

  I actually didn’t hear him arrive until he knocked on the wood side panel of my walk-in closet, making me jump out of my skin and my heart catch in my throat. Never in my life had I been this nervous.

  This territory was new to me—not knowing how he’d take anything, from his grandfather’s sickness to the rumor turning out being more real than I hoped. The unknown was terrifying.

  It felt like we were at the tipping point where my life would either sink or swim. I could lose everything; all the hard work we invested on each other, our marriage. If I lost him, where would I go? What would I do?

  “You seem to have a lot of energy today,” he observed, eyes wandering around my closet before he finally landed those powerful eyes on me, unreadable.

  “I needed to distract myself.” I looked at my great progress yet didn’t feel any relief. “How’s William, Blake?”

  “He woke up today, and the doctor said that he needs to cut down on cigars and drinking. Overall, his condition is progressing well. Quite well, so much so that one could hope.”

  A huge smile pasted on my lips before I almost ran to him and flung my arms around his waist. Happiness escaped me as I looked up at him and gave him a peck on the lips. “This is truly a blessing,” I murmured. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

  His arms enveloped me for the first time after all this worry, and the very feel of him responding to my touch was exhilarating. God, I loved this man too much. I lived for him. I breathed for him.

  “This might be such a wrong timing to even mention, but Stella’s pregnant and she wants us to go over and have dinner with them tomorrow evening before she breaks the news to Callum. Isn’t that amazing?” I looked up to him, hoping he’d agree because I had already given my word we would.

  My smiling face went on a dour note when I got the sinking feeling he was about to decline the invitation.

  “This has been too much to take in. I know you adore Stella and Callum, and I do, too, but I cannot be bothered with being around people. I just can’t be bothered, cara.” He seemed to have meant it. “You’re more than welcome to go tomorrow, if you like, but I can’t. I have so much on my plate. Besides, I haven’t rested yet. I’m beyond knackered.”

  What was I thinking? Of course he’d decline. His granddad had almost died, and here I was, wondering if he’d go to a dinner party because my friend was expecting her first child. I was being inconsiderate and quite selfish to even bring it up to him.

  “I’m sorry. That was very selfish of me to even ask of you. I’ll tell Stella that we can’t make it, but we’re over the moon about her pregnancy. I’m sure she’ll understand.” Stella Kensington would get it more than most women. She’d probably even send something to William just because. She was simply like that; born and bred with excruciating etiquette, even if she wasn’t feeling great.

  “Thank you, poppet,” he whispered before kissing my forehead.

  I sighed deeply before resting my cheek on his chest, breathing him in. “We’re going to be okay.” The words comforted the troubles in my heart. Granted, I wasn’t sure if he knew anything about that pesky rumor, but why rock the boat when things were starting to brighten up again?

  Seeking his eyes, he gazed down on me with a certain look that used to make my stomach churn and heave, but at this instant, it simply gave me breathlessness.

  “Sienna?” he murmured just as my heart stopped beating.

  “Yeah?”

  He didn’t blink before he opened his mouth to say, “We have to talk about something quite important.”

  I wanted to bite my tongue so we didn’t have to talk about it. Whatever it was, I knew it might be something I wouldn’t like. He always gave off this vibe about him when he was going to give me bad news. But as much as I wanted to stay in the dark and postpone the inevitable, I knew in my heart that this moment was as good as any. At least, if we had it out in the open, we’d deal with it like all married couples do. I truly hoped we’d deal with whatever this was together.

  “I love you more than words could express, more than anything I had ever imagined. I love you, Sienna. I just want you to know that.”

  Jesus, where was he going with this? I swallowed, my throat nearly parched, while I nodded in earnest, hoping he’d continue his speech before I passed out of agitation.

  With each passing second, I felt my surroundings closing in. However, I wouldn’t let my childhood coping mechanism take over because this was different. This time, the man that might irrevocably cause my pain was my husband. My family. My home.

  “This whole nightmare brought everything to surface, most especially my parents’ passing, and I realized that if grandfather died, I’d have no direct kinship by blood. There’s Clive of course, but he’s my second cousin. It’s a tad difficult to express what my heart truly wants to say, but I’ll say it in the easiest way that I know…” He paused, searching for my eyes while I remained at the edge of a cliff, ready to throw myself down the second he said anything that had divorce in it.

  So I waited with bated breath.

  And kept waiting…

  Until he finally had the courage to continue.

  “I want a baby.”

  I blinked back
a few times, staring at him in shock. “I beg your pardon?”

  “I want a child of our own. I want—need—a child with you.”

  Bloody fuck. The tightness in my throat worsened. This was the opposite of what I had expected. Staring back at him, wide-eyed and speechless, I kept repeating the word baby in my mind.

  He wanted a baby. With me. He needed a child.

  “But why; we’re still so young?” I asked like a ninny, even though I knew what he was going to say. I still needed him to clarify.

  “I know I promised I’d wait, but this was before Grandfather’s near-death encounter. Call me selfish, but I want him to see that I’m continuing our bloodline. I want him to leave this earth knowing he need not worry about me, that I will have a child to focus on instead of mourning the loss of losing him. All of these reasons have placed my desires of being a father in the forefront. But most of all, I want to see you ripe with child—my child—growing inside of you. The minute the image of you pregnant was instilled in my brain, I simply couldn’t live without it…”

  “Is this really about your grandfather, or Kyle’s visit stirred your dominant, possessive streak again?” Heck, it had been obvious he had been rattled with Kyle’s presence, but I was also glad he’d had enough courage to even try and had succeeded at composing himself. What if William’s sickness brought out the greatest excuse for him to milk it in the process? Knowing how he worked, he’d seize that opportunity so he’d secure me for his own. He was selfish. I knew that much because I could be just as selfish as he was.

  “I’ve long accepted that there’s always going to be your connection with Kyle that will get me jealous, but as much as I want you to sever your ties with him, I knew asking this of you would truly hurt you. I also know you’d do it, even though it would simply cripple you emotionally.” His words rung in my ears, and yet my heart agreed with him.

  “But as much as I want to be happily rid of him for the rest of our lives, I don’t want to see you in pain. I love you, and I made vows to put your needs before mine, even though it guts me alive to see him look at you with such love and devotion.

  “You must also know, as my wife, as my partner, as my lover, and as my friend that this yearning of being a father has been growing quite steadily through the months we’ve been together. I’m willing to do anything to make this process the easiest possible. I’d be the one in charge of our son or daughter. I’d take months off work, or maybe I could make it so I could work from home, and while doing so, I could hire a full-time governess and nurses to care for our child while I’m in the library so he or she wouldn’t have to be alone. Or if you’re against help, I’d gladly do it all by myself.” He was pleading. His heart, his soul, his eyes—they all sought me incessantly, wanting me to sooth his worries.

  “I’m willing to put everything on the line. I’d do anything—anything—if you could only grant me this one wish. Even though I promised not to hound you about this subject…” he rasped out, sounding more desperate by the second. “My heart can’t be denied any longer. I want to hold my child in my arms.

  “I want what Chad has, and what Callum will have in months’ time. I’d give anything to see my own flesh and blood smile at me as if I was the most wonderful thing he or she has ever seen. Most of all, I want something that’s ours. Solely ours. You and me as one. Our baby, with your features and mine. I want to love another being just as much as I worship their mother.”

  Dear God, I had meant it when I’d said I wasn’t ready. How did he even let himself wish, or better yet, let himself daydream this could happen any time soon? It was five years—not four or three, but bloody fucking five. I couldn’t simply switch off what I wanted in life. Fuck, I wanted to be well over twenty-five, at least, before I was to become a mother.

  Being a mother was not something to be taken lightly. I’d forever be responsible for the baby. It’s not something I could walk away from or take back once it was born. I’d have to stick with my decision, even if I didn’t agree to it. Besides, we weren’t ready to be parents, were we? No, I thought we weren’t.

  “Blake…” I started. “You know how I feel about this. I don’t even know why you’d bring this up, knowing what I’d say anyway.”

  “Sienna,” he begged. “Please. You don’t have to do much else if you don’t feel like it. I won’t let our baby hinder your goals in life. You can do as much you want—school, opening your own business, travel, party with friends. Whatever you want, I’d happily go along. I won’t even complain, I swear it.”

  I shook my head, having already made up my mind long ago. As much as I wanted to comfort Blake’s worries, I couldn’t bend my wants and needs for someone else’s happiness. “Blake, I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  His crestfallen face broke my heart, yet I couldn’t find it in me to undo my words in order to brighten those dimmed depths. We’d had an agreement. He had promised. And I needed him to stick with that promise. Five years.

  “Don’t be mad at me, please? You can’t expect me to change my mind just because circumstances have changed. I haven’t; I’m still the same woman who made that promise to you during our honeymoon.”

  “If the situation were reversed, I’d happily give you anything you want, Sienna. I suppose it’s good to know now that you’re different from me.”

  How dare he slap this in my face? We’d had an understanding. “You’re asking too much from me. Don’t you see that?”

  He shook his head, as if seeing me for the first time. “It’s a baby. Our baby. This little bundle of joy will provide you, me—us—more love and fulfillment than what we already know. Being a mother is a blessing, not a curse. If you’re so adamant and terrified about the prospect of it, tell me this, just once, Sienna, will you ever be ready to become a mother?”

  His question threw me asunder. Will you ever be ready to become a mother? He didn’t think I’d ever be ready to be one. Was this a test? Because it was a tricky question and one I didn’t appreciate in the least.

  “I’m ready when I’m fucking ready. In five years’ time, ten, heck maybe in the next six months, but that’s up to me to decide.”

  I had expected anger to surface in his magnificent features, but I was quite astounded to find sadness marring his beauty. The sadness was etched everywhere, as if I had just crumbled and stomped on his dream because I had thrown a tantrum. But what had he thought? That I’d happily go along with his wants because I was so sick in love I’d bend over backwards to give him the world? There was no question that I loved him, but I also wanted to be prepared to be a mother, so I could be capable of loving my own offspring and not be this distant parent that would turn into an egotistical maniac the second the child threw a hissy fit or cried in vain.

  Being a mother was terrifying and should not be taken lightly. For crying out loud, it wasn’t a joke. Even if he vowed to do everything and anything in his power to cater to the child’s needs, the society expected the mother to do the nurturing, not the father. People would talk freely as to how awful I was at being a mother. The scenarios just kept flooding my brain, and I couldn’t, for the life of me, let it go for Blake’s happiness.

  I simply couldn’t. I was petrified that he was demanding this from me. In a year’s time, who knew what he’d ask of me then.

  “I’m sorry, babe. You know I’d give you anything to make you happy, but I can’t compromise with this request.” I hoped he’d find it in his heart to let this dream go for the time being. “Forgive me.”

  He nodded, looking like someone had died. “Me, too. You don’t know how much,” he whispered more to himself, before he gave me one last look and took off.

  “Where are you going?” I asked, panicked.

  “Heading to the office.”

  But it was late. Freaking hell, couldn’t he just cool the fuck down? “Stay home. You need to rest.”

  I heard the loud, thudding slam of the front door. Well, there went my answer.

  He needed to get awa
y to clear his head. Hopefully, by tomorrow, he’d get over it and realize we weren’t ready to be parents, or better yet, we’d relish on being honeymooners and focus on each other since things hadn’t been dreamy at all since we got together.

  ~

  “Sienna Richards speaking.” I took the call the second after it rang. We were in William’s hospital room, visiting him, and when he’d fallen asleep, I hadn’t seen the problem in taking the call.

  Since I was graduating at the end of the year, I thought it would be sensible to also margin out of my comfort zone and take on another job in the marketing field. This time, I was vying to shadow being an Accessories Buyer on top of interning in Stella’s PR firm. I needed to see all the different aspects of what my degree could do for me, and I was actually excited at the prospect of being surrounded with things I was familiar with and knowing what it truly meant to be a fashionista.

  Being one entailed that one lived for the statement. The style. The risqué. The never-ending, shifting trend. The desire to be bold. To be unique. To find something that portrayed our identity. So we could be free and live life the way we saw fit. The way we wanted to color and paint it with our own heart, our dreams, and our own signature uniqueness.

  I was young and the opportunity was there, therefore I was going to gladly seize it with both of my arms spread wide open and follow the path I had always dreamed of.

  The call was about my impending interview, which was scheduled in three days time. I couldn’t be happier than feeling I was on the right path of achieving my goals. Though, for a minute there, I felt the tugging pang of guilt knowing Blake couldn’t have his because I wasn’t ready to sacrifice any of this yet.

  I still wanted more from life, though. I longed to achieve so much before settling down with a baby. Having one wasn’t a short-term agreement, even if Blake made sure to detail everything to avoid my having to worry at all. I mean, come on, let’s get real here. A baby was a lifelong commitment, whether one agreed to it or not. It just was.