A Thrift Shop Murder: A hilariously witchy reverse harem mystery (Cats, Ghosts, and Avocado Toast Book 1)

by N. M. Howell

  Footsteps sounded in the hall, and I frantically pushed him off my lap and jumped up, panic coursing through my veins. “Shit, Tracy is coming. We have to hide you. What the hell are we going to do?”

  I gaped around the room, exhaling as I caught sight of a closet. Sprinting over, I pulled it open and shoved Pussy inside. Running fully on adrenaline, I sprang into the closet with him and pulled the door shut, my body pressed against his firm form in the very small space. Good thing it was dark, because my face was glowing all shades of red. “Well, this is cozy,” I blurted out, more nervous than I cared to admit. Why I had jumped into the closet with him, I wasn’t quite sure.

  I felt his muscles tense and I raised my hands and pressed my palms against his chest, surprised by his silence. Pussy didn’t strike me as the kind of guy who’d let an opportunity like this slide. “You’re quivering. Are you cold?”

  I could feel him shake his head, body rigid. “No, I’m really just not a fan of small spaces. No big deal. It’s cool.”

  From the tight whisper, I suspected it was, in fact, a big deal. Crap on a cracker. “I’m so sorry, I had no idea. You should’ve said something before I asked the three of you to jump into the crate earlier. I could have left you at home.”

  I felt him shrug stiffly as he adjusted his position next to me, the full length of his body pressed up against my side. I bit my lip and hoped that he couldn’t hear my heart hammering in my chest. “It wasn’t so bad in the crate. I could see out a bit through the holes. Here, on the other hand, is another story.” A loud hiss and claws scratching at the other side of the closet door warned us we didn’t have much time.

  “Well, what do you suggested we do?” I whispered hurriedly, wondering just what the hell Tracy would think if she came into the office to see two cats and no one else. Or even more awful would it be if Tracy opened the closet and saw me hiding here with a naked man. I swallowed hard, trying to push that thought from my head. I had to think of something, fast. “Okay, it’ll be fine. I’ll get you out of here. We just need a plan.” Before I had a chance to think, my phone rang. I reached down to pull my phone out of my jeans pocket and heat flashed over every inch of my skin as I connected with warm flesh. “Shit, sorry,” I swore. “That was an accident. I wasn’t trying to, you know, feel anything.”

  His body relaxed slightly as Pussy leaned over and whispered into my ear, his warm breath caressing my skin. “You know what, it’s not actually so bad in here with you next to me,” he drawled. “I’m sure you could figure out a way to distract me.”

  I smacked him with the back of my hand as I answered the phone, keeping my voice to the barest whisper. “Hello?” I listened to the stern voice on the other end of the phone, enquiring were they speaking to Miss Priscilla Jones. “It is, but I’m afraid this isn’t a very good time.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Miss Jones, because this is Officer Bert Fitzgerald of the Salem P.D. and I need to speak with you pretty urgently with regard to a recently opened case. I assume you’re still town,” he barked. I opened my mouth to whisper a reply but before I could, the officer had continued his one-sided conversation. “Good. I’ll meet you at the thrift shop in ten minutes so we can discuss this further.”

  Without giving me the chance to reply, my phone beeped, and Officer Fitzgerald hung up. I swore again under my breath and tucked my phone back into my pocket, this time careful to avoid giving the blond man beside me any distracting ideas. Although, from the sizable pressure against my hip, I had a feeling it was far too late for that.

  From the other side of the exam room doorway the sound of Tracy’s voice froze me to the spot. Heart pounding in my chest, I tried frantically to think of a way out of this mess. I was in a closet with a naked man in the vet’s office. I had come in the three cats, but now only had two. An angry-sounding cop needed to speak with me in ten minutes, likely about my mistaken involvement in a crazy old granny ghost’s murder, and the vet was about to step into the room any moment.

  Perfect.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “I’ve got to go back into the examination room before Tracy walks in,” I whispered to Pussy, but from the labored breaths coming from the large, naked man pressed against me, I knew I had to act fast. “Okay, I know you don’t want me to leave you in here, but don’t panic. I have a plan. I have a plan.” The more I said it, the less I believed it. “I have an idea. Just trust me. Close your eyes and inhale slowly.”

  “I don’t see how this is going to help,” he panted. Despite the darkness, I could feel his attention shifting to the points where our bodies connected. “Unless you want to look for your phone again.”

  “Shut up.” I smacked his chest and he gave a tense chuckle. “We don’t have time for this, Pussy. Close your eyes, inhale deeply through your nose, hold it in deep as you can and count to three.” I said a silent prayer that Dr. Lee’s tactics wouldn’t fail me now. “Okay, good. Great job. Now, let it out slowly through your mouth. That’s it, just like that.” I ran my hand down his chest as he inhaled and stroked upward as he exhaled, dropping my hand lower with each motion to encourage him to breathe more deeply.

  I felt his muscles relax under my fingertips and my shoulders loosened. He released his breath in a grown as he grabbed my hand. “Unless you’re sure you don’t want to try my suggestion, you should probably quit that rubbing.”

  The voices on the other side of the wall were growing louder, and I sprang away from the heat of his body. “Okay, now keep repeating the exercise. I’ll be right back.”

  I felt him suck in a gasp. “Where are you going?”

  “I’ll be right back in just a second, I promise. Stay here. I’ve got it covered.” Before he could protest, I opened the closet door a crack and snuck out, closing it just in the nick of time as Tracy opened the far door and came into the exam room. I stood there frozen, my back to the closet, a fake smile spread across my face.

  The vet waved at me. “Okay, sorry about that delay, Price. I’m all yours now.”

  As panic coursed through my body, my mind came to the only solution I could muster in the few seconds I had to think. “Actually, I just remembered I have to pay for parking. If you don’t mind giving me two seconds, I’ll be right back.” I ran across the room and glided through the door that Tracy stood beside, a quizzical look on her face. Parking meter? When she knew I’d come on foot? Not to mention the fact that I’d had to leave my car behind in Portland because it was in Gerard’s stupid name.

  “Errr, okay. I’ll look after these three cuties,” she began to say, but paused. Her eyes scanned the room and I noticed her eyebrows raise. “Where’s the third?”

  Eyes wide, I chewed my lip as I stared at her, glancing around the room, mimicking her curiosity. “Oh, gosh, yeah. Pussy ran out the door a couple of minutes ago, I guess he doesn’t like getting examined. He’s probably home right now, waiting for us. Just examine the other two and I’ll bring him back another day.” I ran outside as fast as my legs could carry me, running past a very confused looking Frankie, and leaving most likely an even more confused Tracy in the exam room with the cats.

  I prayed to whatever powers that be that she wouldn’t look in the closet while I was gone. I skidded to a halt on the sidewalk outside, scanning the buildings around me. I remembered passing a bakery on my way, and I ran three doors down until I spotted it and peered in the window. I let out a deep tension-filled breath as I saw Dot, the sweeter of the two kind old ladies who had visited me that morning.

  “Price, dear, so nice of you to pop in,” Dot chirped from the other side of the counter as I bolted in through her front door. “Are you here for some snacks? I’m sure you need some sugar to help you through that stressful move.”

  Chewing down on my lip to the point of nearly drawing blood, I shook my head. “Actually, I was wondering if I can borrow something from you. Do you happen have an extra apron around?”

  “An apron?”.She looked confused, but her smile quickly re
turned. “Oh, how lovely, you cook. Are you baking something at dear Agatha’s house? You know, that’s probably the first time her oven’s been used for baking. Agatha was the worst in the kitchen.”

  I nodded frantically, my breath coming in ragged rasps. “Yes, I love baking, but I’m making quite a mess. I’m in a bit of a hurry though, as I think that might be burning something. I left my muffins behind, you see.” I was rambling, my mind bouncing between baking muffins and that darned cat back at the vet’s.

  Dot’s eyes went wide. “Oh no, we can’t have any ruined muffins now, can we?” She looked nervous, just about as nervous as I felt. I watched her curiously as she frantically bounced around behind the counter, shoving a massive cookie in her mouth as she turned to reach for an apron hanging on the far wall. She handed it to me and I accepted it gratefully, promising her that I would return it immediately. She nodded at me, the cookie crumbling from her mouth as she smiled, a slight pink tinge to her cheeks. “Come back anytime, dear. Anytime at all. Happy to help you out in any way I can. Do stop by again, now. Tah.”

  I was almost at the door when Dot appeared in front of me, holding a second apron. It was bright pink and frilly and there were tiny sequinned sunglasses embroidered all around the edges. Dot shoved the apron in my direction. Her cheeks were red and she had a chocolate cupcake gripped in her left hand. “You should take this one,” she said. She took a quick bite of the cupcake and swallowed it whole. “I made it. For Agatha, you know, before…” I watched in fascination as she polished off the remainder of the cake and brushed the crumbs off her own apron with fidgeting fingers. “I never had a chance to give it to her. It was supposed to be a joke. Aggy loved silly stuff, sequins and bows and sunglasses, but she’d never use an apron because she didn’t cook. I said if I made her a sequinned apron she’d have to bake something.”

  Her voice caught and I gave her a sympathetic smile. “I’m so sorry for you loss, Dot, it sounds like you were a great friend.”

  The pretty old woman recoiled from me, her face pale. “No, I was terrible friend.” Her voice was pained. “Terrible. I always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing. But I never meant to be a bad friend. And I’m so sorry for how things ended. Between us.” I opened my mouth to reassure her, but she vanished into the kitchen before I could say another word.

  I waited for another moment to see would she return, thinking how sad it was that Dot hadn’t had a chance to make up with her friends before she passed away, but she didn’t appear. I turned and ran out the door with apron in hand and ran back to the vet’s as fast as my legs could carry me, Dot’s round face still on my mind. It was good to know that I wasn’t the only ridiculously awkward person in town. Frankie looked just as confused as he had before as I came bolting back into the office. I skidded past him and through to the exam room before he had a chance to speak. I opened the door and stepped inside, half expecting to see a traumatized Tracy standing in front of a very naked man, but to my great relief she was standing next to the exam table examining the very same tabby that had been pressed against me in human form in the closet only moments before.

  “This poor little guy was locked in the closet,” she said to me, her voice full of concern. “He looked positively terrified, the poor handsome boy.”

  I caught the cat’s expression and suppressed a smirk. “I’m so sorry, I have no idea how he could’ve gotten in there. I was sure he’d escaped out the front.” Tracy’s stare focused on the apron in my hand and a burning red flush of embarrassment, which seemed to be a permanent fixture on my face since I arrived in Salem, ran over my skin. I tucked the apron under the back of my shirt and gestured toward the cats. “So, how do they look, Doc?” I silently cursed myself for sounding so stupidly awkward. Doc? Seriously?

  “Well, I’ve got to be honest, they’re quite large for domestic cats. I’m not quite sure where Agatha picked these guys up.” She paused, staring at the files on the computer screen. “Look, they’re not bobcats and they’re not Lynx, but I’m guessing there was some kind of funny-business involved in breeding these guys.”

  The breath caught in my throat as I began to follow Tracy’s train of thought. My mouth was suddenly as dry as the Sahara desert. The vet gave me a sympathetic grimace and exhaled. “As far as I can tell, you have three perfectly healthy felines. But unless you can find their papers, I’d suggest you keep them indoors and away from prying eyes,” she continued kindly. “But if you decide to keep them, we should probably have a little chat about neutering, sooner rather than later, okay?”

  Tracy lifted Pussy off the table and turned to hand him to me, but I took a step back, knowing perfectly well what happened last time I came into contact with him. The last thing I needed was another naked man incident. Oversized wild cats was one thing, but cats that turned into ridiculously handsome men? I suspected even super-sweet Tracy couldn’t be trusted with that secret. I held my hands in the air and grimaced. “You know what, I’m actually pretty allergic to cats. Do you mind helping me get them back into the crate?”

  Concern filled Tracy’s eyes as she looked up at me. “Are you sure you’re going to be able to handle three large cats like this if you’re allergic to them? If you can’t manage them...”

  I bit my lower lip and stared at the three furry faces watching me from the floor. I had just escaped one asshat of a man, I didn’t necessarily need three more popping up in my life. But giving away three humans-turned-cats, or cats-turned-humans, or whatever the hell these three were didn’t seem like the right decision. Tracy brushed my sleeve with her hand. “Do you want me to call the wildlife department, Price? I have a friend in there, a good woman, she could help.”

  I shook my head with unexpected strength. “No, absolutely not, I’ll be fine. These were Agatha’s cats and they belong in her home. It’s nothing an antihistamine can’t fix. But if you don’t mind.” I motioned to the massive crate on the ground. “I’d appreciate the help.”

  Tracy looked at me for a long moment and then shrugged, an easy smile returning to her face. “Whatever you say, Price.” Her smile broadened. “I think you guys are going to make the perfect little family.”

  I scrunched my face as I watched her herd the three cats back into the crate, poor Pussy reluctantly going in last. “Yeah, something like that,” I muttered. “Thanks again for seeing us, I really appreciate it. Shall I go check out with Frankie? How much do I owe you?” I tried not to flinch, thinking of the pittance left in my bank account.

  Tracy brushed it off with a wave of her hand. “Don’t even worry about it. It’s been my pleasure. My little welcome to the neighborhood gesture.”

  Gratitude swelled like a wave in my stomach. “Thank you, I really appreciate it. You’ve been so kind, I can’t tell you how much I mean that, especially with everything that’s going on.”

  Tracy’s strained smile hinted that the rumors about Agatha’s death had reached her ears. “If you ever need anything, Price, you know where I am.” As I took hold of the massive crate and hauled it out the door toward the front lobby, she placed her hand on my shoulder. “The offer for coffee still stands, if you’re ever up for a chat or some girl time. I know how lonely it can be in a new city without any friends. You have one in me if that means anything.”

  I turned back to her and gave her a tight smile. “That means more than you know, Tracy. Thank you.”

  Moving as fast as I could without seeming rude, I hauled ass out of the vet’s office and dragged the heavy son of a bitch crate the few blocks back to the house. I swear, the journey back to Agatha’s seemed twice as long then it did on the way to the vet’s. I slowed as we neared the house, my eyes falling on the parked police car in front of the large three-story building. I stopped at the foot of the stairs to catch my breath, practising my normal breathing routine to try and steady myself.

  “What’s the holdup, Pricetag?” Pussy hissed through the gaps in the crate, strain evident on his furry face.

  I tried not to mo
ve my lips as I responded. “The cop is already outside the house.”

  The black cat arched his back and pressed his face against the crate as if he might be able to squeeze his way onto the street and confront the cop. “Pull it together, Price,” Tom hissed. “Stop acting so nervous, because you’ll definitely look guilty.”

  “That helps tremendously, thanks, Fluffy,” I snarked. “You should be a life-coach.”

  Finn’s green eyes blinked at me. “You’ll be perfectly fine, Price. Take a deep breath and go in there. You did nothing wrong, you’re innocent, and kind, and lovely. Everything will be all right.”

  Despite myself, I felt the knot in my stomach loosen in response to his words. I gritted my teeth. “Okay, that’s enough out of you, Three Stooges. Shut up and act like cats or else Bert will have even more questions for me. Jail is bad enough, I don’t want to end up being shoved in the loony bin because of you guys.”

  Grateful for their cooperative silence, I walked slowly and painfully up the steps to the front door, refusing to glance over my shoulder at the cop car. The same shadow of guilt I felt every time I was pulled over even if I wasn’t speeding tugged at my brain. It was an illogical, but powerful response to authority that I’d had for as long as I could remember. I definitely had nothing to do with Agatha’s death, but still the fact that Officer Bert sounded so serious on the phone and hung up on me made me exceptionally worried. I frowned at the front door, unlocked and ajar, and stepped inside.

  The stairwell was empty, but light streamed from the open door to the apartment above. I frowned as I hauled the crate up the narrow staircase, grateful for the mornings I’d spent swinging kettle bells over my head and dragging old tires through the snow with my boot camp buddies while Gerard slept off his late nights at work.

  I grunted as I reached the top step. Late nights at work my ass. “Hello? Officer Fitzgerald, you in here?” I didn’t add that he was a rude, ignorant, punk for letting himself into my home uninvited. I dragged the crate into the apartment and peered into the living room. I froze. A broad, gray-haired man, who I assumed was Bert, was sitting in a chair in the front family room, twiddling his thumbs as dear old Agatha flew around him making gestures obscene enough to color my cheeks. A moment of panic overtook me before I realized he couldn’t see her, but I glared at her anyway. A gyrating granny was the last thing I needed while I got grilled by Officer Fitzgerald.