Unsteady

by Elizabeth York

  “Sister Katherine, it’s my fault. I made her go,” I deceived ,her with a false statement, hopeful London wouldn’t be punished. I would have told a thousand stories if they let London off the hook. I stood back up and brushed off my khakis as I waited for a response.

  “No, I threatened to tell on him if he didn’t go with me,” London lied to her as well. We were going to hell, of that I was sure, but at least we were going together.

  “Goodbye, Miss Montgomery,” Sister Katherine’s voice grew stern. London walked over without thinking of the repercussions and placed a kiss on my cheek.

  “Let me save you this time. Tell her it’s my fault,” she whispered and then turned and walked toward the school to get changed.

  “Mr. Keenan, pick up a basket,” Sister Katherine ordered, and I picked up this little wooden apple basket. “Tell me Logan, how does that basket feel?”

  “Empty,” I responded with a practical answer, but was preparing to say light if that wasn’t what she wanted.

  “Is that how you feel when you’re not with London?” She asked a question I hadn’t wanted to address with anyone.

  “It is,” I murmured the words under my breath. Then she placed some apples in it and it began to fill up and got harder to handle the heavier it got.

  “And now how does the basket feel?” Sister Katherine queried as I balanced it against my chest and both arms struggled to keep it from falling.

  “Heavy,” I answered as my arms trembled.

  “Did you feel like this weight was on your chest when London had to partner with Douglas on the co-ed science fair projects?”

  “Maybe,” I tried to give her a nonchalant answer that would stop this exploration of my feelings. Truth was, I didn’t know how to describe how I felt about London. All I did know for sure was that the thought of being without her was worse than anything I could ever imagine.

  “Walk around the tree with it. Do not drop it,” she warned, and I had to wonder if this was my punishment. I ponderously walked by myself as I rounded the tree, but the basket split open and all the apples fell.”

  “I’m sorry,” I immediately apologized, wondering what kind of punishment they would come up with. I was growing immune to time outs, restrictions, and even the belt Father Ryan would use.

  “Come sit down and let’s have a chat,” Sister Katherine wiggled her finger to tell me to follow and we walked over to a garden bench.

  “I want you to remember how you felt each time I asked you a question, and we are going to talk about Miss Montgomery. I want to talk about all the time the two of you are spending together,” Sister Katherine started what I was sure was going to be a speech about staying away from her. “When she is not with you is your basket empty or full?”

  “I feel empty,” I confessed. “I miss her. I am down the hall from her and yet I miss her,” I confided in Sister Katherine. “She’s my best friend.”

  “Using what you just went through, express to me how you truly feel,” Sister Katherine spoke as she played with her rosary.

  “When I was walking with the apples I was completely unsteady. All I could think was if London was with me then I would be stable, secure, or even anchored. When she is with me I won’t fall out of the basket like an apple, but if the impossible happened and I did, she would be right there with me on the ground, or she would be the one picking me up and carrying me inside.”

  Sister Katherine nodded her head and I could see concern on her face. I didn’t know what I said that was wrong. I was honest with how I felt, but she looked worried.

  “Sister Katherine,” I spoke softly.

  “Yes, Mr. Keenan.”

  “I think I love her.”

  “Logan, I know you love her. I think you two are like Romeo and Juliet. That no matter what the circumstances, you would do whatever it took to be near each other.”

  “Sister Katherine, Romeo and Juliet die in the end,” I countered. I wasn’t going to die to be with London. I was just a kid. I would do anything for her. I would be whatever she needed me to be, but death was different.

  “Mr. Keenan, when you come to the end of your life what happens?” Sister Katherine asked.

  “You go to Heaven if you were good, and hell if you were bad,” I answered, knowing I was skipping over the religion stuff they taught us.

  “Logan, when your life is over you die. Did you ever think that Romeo and Juliet were on a path from above to fall in love, change everything and everyone around them because of that love, and then when they succeeded, when they finished their purpose on this Earth they died?”

  “No!”

  “Why not?” Sister Katherine asked.

  “If Romeo was to die for people to change and Juliet truly loved him then instead of death she would have lived because that is what he would have wanted. If he truly loved her, he would tell her to go on without him and keep him in her memory. He would have wanted her happy, not dead.”

  “That is an answer I would have loved to have read from Shakespeare,” Sister Katherine smiled. “Logan, I know you don’t have a lot of male role models to look up to, but when, or if, you decide to tell London you love her I want you to talk to me first. Don’t rush into anything like Romeo and Juliet did. Think everything through because sometimes that barrel of apples leaves you a heavy mess you will have to carry alone.”

  “I don’t understand,” I replied.

  “I wouldn’t let her know that you love her until you are sure she loves you back because matters of the heart can be really painful when rushed.”

  “Thank you,” I replied with a sudden urge to see London in her Sunday dress. “I need to get to church,” I told Sister Katherine, who nodded her approval and then I stood up and started to walk towards the school.

  “Mr. Keenan,” Sister Katherine called my name and I turned back. “Stop using the cellar door to sneak out. Father Ryan has been taking his tea near your exit in the afternoon. I believe God put her in your path Mr. Keenan, don’t ruin it by breaking all the rules at school. You two are not supposed to be near each other, and I won’t cover for you, but I am in your corner if she is what you want when you grow up and leave here.”

  I couldn’t help the smile that crossed my face. I ran for the school and barreled into the old arched door. I slammed it shut as I ran up the wooden stairs and into my room. I dressed as fast as I could, putting on my gray suit with the school logo on it. Then I fixed my brown hair and ran down the stairs.

  I crossed the street as I struggled to catch my breath and caught up to the kids entering the church. I opened the door and walked inside on the navy carpet that led me down the aisles to see London sitting on the girl’s side. I walked on their side as the boys and the rest of the congregation stared in shock.

  Sister Katherine walked in the door behind me. I looked at her as she shook her head and pointed for me to take my seat. I shrugged as my heart raced. I then walked down the oak pew and sat down beside London. Everything went quiet from the shock of what I had done. I, too, had broken all the rules like Romeo.

  “What are you doing?” London whispered as I took her hand in mine. I ignored the father preparing to come remove me. I let everything fade away because this moment was worth everything. This was my do or die moment.

  “I love you, London, and I don’t want to be anywhere else except right beside you.”

  “I love you, too,” she replied, before Father Ryan pulled me away by my jacket.

  Chapter Ten

  London

  I waited until everyone was off the aircraft to see Logan. I couldn’t help it. I was torn. My heart wanted me to apologize until it was whole again, but my brain knew that would never happen. Too much happened before I left. We were both broken and while my head told me I was better off leaving it in the past, I couldn’t help but want one more glimpse. I slowly got my carry on as a blonde woman came out of the cock pit.

  “Hello, I’m Caroline Martin,” she introduced herself.

&
nbsp; “I’m London Montgomery,” I shook her hand as I dropped my bag.

  “How are you feeling?” She asked, as she knelt to help me put everything back in my bag.

  “I feel a lot better now that the plane is on the ground,” I let out a fake nervous chuckle. My observation skills weren’t lacking as I read her ID card to see she wasn’t assigned to Logan or this airline. She was on loan. Which told me that the only reason she was introducing herself was because of Logan.

  We stood back up and I took my time fastening the bag. She waited for a moment and then leaned in and whispered.

  “He’s not coming out till you’re gone,” she gave me a soft smile. My heart sank.

  “I think I already knew that.”

  “Come on honey, let’s me and you get a drink. You look like you need one,” Caroline offered and I reluctantly agreed. When we got past the curtain I turned back to see Logan watching as we both started to exit the plane.

  I stopped breathing and held my bag tightly to my chest as my eyes locked with his. I wanted to say something – maybe another apology, but he deserved the truth and I wasn’t ready. I held my bag in front of my chest and waved at him with my pinky finger like I used to do when I could see him during lunch time. It was the minimalist of movement, but it conveyed I was there anytime he needed me. It was all I could do when we were younger. They kept the boys in a separate dining room, but there was a window where, when perfectly timed, I could see Logan and he could see me.

  “What brings you to town?” Caroline questioned, as I forced myself to look away from Logan and walk through the terminal with her.

  “I’m not sure, but now that I’m here I’m going to do some shopping, visit some of the places I used to visit as a kid, go see our old school, and then go home.”

  “Our? Oh, you went to school with Logan?” her tone said she already knew that and this was the beginning of her interrogation into the woman who knew Logan.

  I didn’t need agency training to see this for what it was. She was sizing me up. I nodded a response as we walked into the airport bar.

  “What was he like back then?”

  “Are you looking for something specific?” I asked wondering if maybe she was with him.

  “He is very angry, completely sheltered, and I wondered if he was always like that.”

  “That doesn’t sound anything like the Logan I remember,” I confessed as she ordered two shots. “I think I brought luggage, I should go get it.”

  “I will have it brought up,” she responded and texted something into her phone. I watched her lips curve like a dangerous road people drove off into embankments on. Something in her phone had her entertained, so I tried to make my escape from her and her twenty questions about Logan without violence, but that diabolical smirk on her face when she looked back up at me said she was nowhere near done.

  “Why don’t you ask me what you really want to know and stop beating around the bush?” my voice shared my irritation and anxiety as my eyes kept watching the glass walls to see if he walked by.

  “I’ve known Logan for three years. We have worked side by side for what feels like forever. We are friends and occasional lovers. I try to be more, but he keeps everyone at arm’s length. He has so much potential and I can’t help but wonder if you’re the reason why he’s throwing away his life.”

  “Why the hell would you think I have anything to do with that? I haven’t seen him in six years.” I demanded to know, as the bartender handed us each a shot and I downed it before remembering I was still getting over my hangover.

  “Because I saw his cold, dead heart beat after he saw you.”

  “I shouldn’t be here,” I mumbled and started to pick up my bag when Caroline reached out and grabbed my arm. I slowly pried her hand off my arm one finger at a time while I counted internally to one hundred to calm what I wanted to do to her.

  “I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but he wants to go home because of you. Now sit down, have a drink, and when he is out of the airport you can walk away and go enjoy the city while I go enjoy him.”

  “You want me to stay here until he has left the building?” I had to force a deep breath as shock laced the rage that was building inside me. I tried counting to one thousand this time, but I couldn’t focus. “I think you have me confused with someone who gives a shit about what you want.”

  I turned to leave when she grabbed my arm once more and I balled up my fist.

  There are no longer enough numbers to count.

  “I will protect him by any means necessary,” her voice lowered, as she tightened her grip. I was preparing to show her exactly why I excel in combatives, when I felt him. Somehow, I could feel Logan near me when he was nowhere to be seen.

  “I don’t want to hurt you,” I warned, and she shrugged me off. “Let me go,” I lowered my voice giving her one last chance to walk away.

  “Let him go,” she growled.

  “Caroline,” Logan’s hand wrapped hers as he pulled her hand off my arm. There was a silence between us as Logan looked at the red marks on my arm from her hand. I had seriously injured people for less than what she did, but she loved Logan. I couldn’t hurt him like that if he felt the same way about her.

  “Just the man I wanted to see. Patrick emailed me back. There is a flight to Atlanta in a few hours if the rain calms down, if you still want it,” she offered to him and he gave her the nod.

  “I’m going to go get a few hours of sleep before I leave. Can you make sure someone wakes me in time for the flight?” he asked, making sure his eyes never left hers. He used imaginary blinders as if they could protect him from seeing me.

  “I’ll stay with you and make sure you get up in time,” she sweetly replied. It was like watching Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She was two sides of the same coin. Logan refused to look my way as Caroline gave me an evil smile.

  “You ready?” he asked and she batted her eyes at him.

  “But, London and I were just getting to know each other,” she put on a façade as I white-knuckled my bag. “She was telling me what you were like as a child.”

  It was at that moment I turned back and looked at Logan who still refused to meet my gaze. Something snapped in me.

  “Want to know what he was like?” I asked as Logan’s brows furrowed and his jaw clenched. I could see him getting angry, but he still refused to look at me so I decided to divulge in her need for information.

  “At eight, he lied to a nun to be able to meet me. At ten, he gave me my first kiss so I would always remember him. At twelve, he professed his love for me by breaking every rule the school had. By fourteen, he convinced me to sneak out every night with him. I can’t even begin to explain how much trouble we got into, but each time we got caught he took the blame and the punishment. The priest never spanked me, but they belted him nearly every day. At sixteen, he would…” my voice started to break. “Then my eighteenth birthday-,” I hesitated as tears filled my eyes.

  “Don’t,” Logan warned as his eyes turned to me. He was warning me not to bring it up as I realized I wasn’t ready to admit what had happened.

  “Something tells me the magic number was eighteen and on your birthday you gave him something special like your virtue,” Caroline sarcastically spoke, but neither Logan nor I would look at her. “Oh my God you did. That’s so sweet,” she exclaimed with snark. “So, what happened he didn’t fuck you good enough? You should try him again, he always knows how to get me off.”

  “Caroline,” Logan scolded, but I was beyond the scope of reality. I had no control over my mouth. I wanted to hurt her.

  “You called him cold and dead earlier, but Logan was the warmest, liveliest, most endearing friend I ever had. He was the love of my life. Maybe you should try getting to know him with your legs shut and you would see the side of him I saw. The compassionate, loyal, and generous man I still see today.”

  “London,” my name fell off Logan’s lips, but I couldn’t look at him. I wanted
to hear what would come after my name, but with Caroline pretending to be offended and my hangover, I was done. I didn’t want to go on this trip or this journey down memory lane.

  “I can’t -,” I apologized in my own way as a man in an airport polo walked in with a bag I recognized from home. It was one of my dad’s. I grabbed it, as he asked if I was in need of a cab. I nodded and walked off with him.

  I did one last glance back through the glass walls to see Logan was watching me walk away and it broke my heart to see that same look on his face I saw six years ago when I left him the first time.

  I made it to a line for a cab. It was pouring rain, but I didn’t care because it hid my tears. How could I have been so stupid as to have thought that the Logan I loved years ago was still the same Logan I saw today? Caroline was lucky to have him, or maybe this new version of him - as she put it - was merely her punishment for being a whore.

  “You don’t get to do that,” Logan’s voice sounded over the heavy rains. I turned and looked at the man I sadly still loved and didn’t know what to say. “You don’t get to just show up and expect forgiveness from an apology. You don’t get to talk about the old days as if they mean something to you. You don’t get to look at me with those same tear filled eyes as if I am the center of your universe. You don’t get to love me.”

  “You can’t stop me,” I countered when he started to walk back inside and thunder echoed behind my words. “You can’t stop the way I look at you. You can’t force me to forget that all the years we spent together were the only happy times in my life. You don’t get to look at me like you hate me, when your eyes betray you. You can’t stop me from loving you because I have done it all my life.”

  Then, without thinking I dropped my bag and ran toward him. I half expected him to turn away, to reject me again, but instead I launched myself into his arms and he caught me like he always did before. My lips found his as if magnets directed me to him, and before I could breathe he was kissing me back.