Girlfriend of a Surfer

by Bebe Wilde

  I shut the door and wondered where the hell he was. “Bear?” I called and went back into the kitchen, then into the living room. “Bear, where are you?”

  I glanced down at the coffee table and there was an envelope with my name on it, written in his hand. My hands trembled as I opened it. My heart began to break even before I started to read.

  “Hey Baby,

  I want to do right by you. I want to make you proud of me. But I am not a 9 to 5 guy. Never have been. Never will be. A buddy called today and told me that I should hit the circuit again, that I could really kill it. But I need to train. So, that’s what I’m going to do. I am going to make you proud. Once I’m done, we can start making that baby, okay? I never wanted to leave you, but we have to sacrifice now in order to get what we want. I know I have to do right by my lady.”

  My head snapped up. Was he ever going to stop calling me that? I went back to reading…

  “I have to go now. There’s a plane waiting for me. I think we’re going to Tahiti first. Please don’t call me because if you do, I will run back to you and forget all this. That’s what you always made me do—forget about what I walked away from. But I want to do it now, for us, for our future babies, for our future. Wish me luck.

  I love you very, very, very much,

  B.”

  What. The. Fuck? Then I noticed a postscript:

  “P.S. Please do not take this to mean I’d be cool with you going out with Jed. I still hate that asshole.”

  As always, surfing won out over me. Even if we were rich now. It’s like I got what I wanted—for him to show some ambition and get back out there and make some money—but he took everything away. He had taken himself away. He took our life with him. There was no us if there was no him. If only I’d shared the news of our winning the lottery sooner. But I hadn’t. I hadn’t trusted him enough to do that and it had cost me.

  Sure, I could follow him around like some dumbass and watch on the sand as he made history with all his awesome moves, but that wasn’t me. And it wasn’t me to beg him to quit, either. It wasn’t me to stand in his way. I knew he was doing this for himself, probably more so than for me. Perhaps talking about it last night had made him realize he’d walked away from something really good.

  “No,” I said aloud and found my phone in my bag. “No, no, no!” I hurriedly dialed his number and waited for him to pick up. He wasn’t doing this. I wouldn’t let him. He was coming back home, that was it. His line rang and rang and rang. I knew he wasn’t picking up, that he was ignoring my call. I knew he wasn’t picking up because he had said he didn’t want to talk to me because it might make him quit. I didn’t care. He was picking up. But then he didn’t and his phone went into voicemail.

  I took a breath and said, “Bear, listen. You have to come home. You don’t have to do this. I’m sorry but I didn’t tell you that we won the lottery! Yes! We won the lottery! It’s not a joke! I just wanted to wait before I told you but we have it! We’re rich. Just call me, okay? Call me and let’s don’t do this. Don’t do this to me right now. Call me. I love you.”

  I hung up and waited. And waited for him to call back. An hour passed very slowly. But he didn’t call. I got the ominous feeling that it was over, our relationship. We were done. I just knew it. He wouldn’t come back from all this the same Bear I knew. He’d have all those surf groupies all over him all the time, all these fans kissing his ass, judges giving him high points for doing what he did best. Everyone would be giving him high-fives and inviting him to ragers. Companies would be begging him to sign on the dotted-line so they could give him buckets and buckets of money for using his face and name on their products. And all he had to do was catch a wave and ride it to the end. All he had to do was what he lived for and what he had been doing his whole life. Could he resist? I didn’t know. What human could? I’d never thought about that before, never had to.

  He wasn’t calling me back. There was radio silence. I couldn’t believe he bugged me all the time by calling me at work and now when I needed to talk to him, he was ignoring me. It was an odd role-reversal, one I wasn’t entirely comfortable with. I picked up my phone again and called him. I waited for the voicemail and when it came on, I said, “Now, Bear. Call me now. I mean it. Don’t do this.” I hung up and waited. He still didn’t call. He wasn’t going to call. He was gone. I didn’t know when I’d ever see him again.

  It was like I was in a movie then, watching myself from a seat in the back of the theater. Cue the Radiohead song, let it play in full effect as the tears started to roll out of my eyes, as the sobs took over my body and forced the hurt and pain to come to the surface.

  I was in so much pain I didn’t hear my phone ringing. But as it kept ringing, I finally noticed it. It was Bear! It had to be! Now I could tell him the good news and tell him not to sign up for anything. I picked it up, smiling through my tears, only to see it was Jed. Jed was calling me. Why? Maybe he was over his anger issues or something.

  I hurriedly picked up and before he could say a word, I sobbed, “Bear just left.”

  “I’ll be right over,” he said.

  Time to Say Goodbye

  I wasn’t a stupid bitch. I cashed that ticket in the next day and claimed my prize. I also kept Bear’s ring, too. I didn’t wear it, but I kept it in its box at the bottom of my purse.

  I bought everyone I knew lots of nice stuff, though my mom told me she didn’t want an antebellum mansion, thank you very much, as she didn’t even “know what the hell an antebellum mansion” was. She just wanted a condo in Florida, where it was warm in the winter. She got it. My dad loved his houseboat, though, and Quinn squealed with delight when I took her to her new house in Studio City. She was bummed that I wouldn’t be working with her anymore, but she said she understood and this was a good consolation prize.

  But then it was time to say goodbye.

  With Quinn’s help, I threw a big house party for everyone we knew with all the delicious catered Mexican food and liquor they could hold. Our little house was filled to the brim with about a hundred people and then everyone I invited had invited someone else, so it spilled out into the yard and even to the street. Our old neighbor James, the grey belly, even came and did some jello shots. Cupcake got lots of love from everyone, too. There was a lot of drinking, some smoking and some love making going on. I let them have it. I wanted them to remember me not just as Bear’s girlfriend, but someone who was cool enough to throw a party like this.

  Bear didn’t know what he missed out on. The party was quite epic.

  All the surfer dudes tried to talk to me about Bear, about how he was killing it in the circuit. Even Nick tired to talk to me and he and I pretty much hated each other. They tried to brag on him, tried to get me back around to his side. I wasn’t having it. I was over it. While I knew I’d brought this on, I also knew he could have waited another hour or so to leave. But maybe it was just my Karma. Regardless, I knew it was over and there wasn’t much I could do about it. I wasn’t going back to playing second fiddle to surfing ever again.

  During the middle of the party, I pulled Trent aside and handed him the keys to the house and to the Beast. “Take care of it while he’s gone, okay, Trent?”

  “Oh, come on, Willa,” he said. “You’re coming back, aren’t you?”

  I shook my head. “I’m not.”

  “Bear will be heartbroken,” he said.

  “Well, he did a good job of breaking my heart, too,” I told him. “He left me, Trent.”

  “I think you’re getting it all wrong,” he said. “He didn’t leave you. He just went out to compete. He’ll be back someday.”

  “But I’m leaving,” I said and kissed his cheek and gave him a big hug. “Bye now.”

  But where would I go? Bear was hitting the surf circuit, winning again, getting back on top. He never once returned any of my calls and he never called me once himself. He’d told me he wouldn’t. He’d told me he wouldn’t call becaus
e he didn’t want to be tempted to come home. I did feel abandoned. Why couldn’t he at least call me and talk to me? What was the deal with that? But whatever. I could do without him.

  And I did, nicely. During that time, Jed became a constant companion. The night he called, he’d come straight over and let me cry in his arms, telling me he knew all along what an asshole Bear was. He even helped me with the money, telling me how to set up trusts, how to give to charity, how to buy CDs and things I didn’t even know existed. He told me how to secure my money then told me if I wanted a return on any investment, it might be smart to invest in some blue chips. So, I did.

  We weren’t lovers, but it was nice to have him back in my life. I did realize he was helping me through my pain only because he did want me back. He didn’t say this, but I could see it in his eyes. However, I didn’t lead him on; I set him straight from the get-go. We weren’t going to hook up.

  But what was I going to do with the rest of my life? I’d bought the things I wanted for the people I loved. I threw an epic party. I bought myself some really nice stuff, too. The money did help ease the pain of heartbreak, but it didn’t totally remedy it.

  Of course, I didn’t follow Bear around like some groupie, that’s for sure. I didn’t run after him. I wasn’t that kind of girl. I never ran after guys. I always figured if they wanted me, they could do the running. But I wasn’t waiting on Bear to run after me. I was going to do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted.

  But what would I do? Where would I go? I wasn’t going to live in our old house anymore. I had outgrown that house years ago. However, with all the money I had, I could go anywhere. But where did I want to go?

  At first I thought about buying a brownstone in a cool neighborhood in Brooklyn but soon realized I didn’t really like cold weather and didn’t know if I was hip enough to pull it off. Then I thought about going to Miami, but it was so crowed, I decided against that. I thought about London and Paris and Amsterdam, all the usual suspect of cool cities I’d always wanted to visit or even live in but nothing really grabbed my attention. Now that I had the money to do whatever I wanted to do, I couldn’t make up my mind. There were too many choices. Too many variables.

  But then… Then I came up with a place I knew would make me happy and it would make me happy because it was, indeed, paradise. I bought a spectacular beachside house in Lanikai Beach. Yes, I went to Hawaii, of all places, the place Bear wanted to move to the most. Maybe I picked it because I thought he and I might cross paths sometime. Of course, whenever I’d think this, I’d imagine myself completely ignoring him, which was probably what I should have done the day I met him and changed my own damned tire.

  My new house was beautiful and everything I had ever wanted. It was a multimillion dollar stunner with its own private beach. It was so beautiful it didn’t even look real. The place was a two-story ultra modern home and looked like it belonged in a magazine. The grounds were lush and somewhat overgrown, making it look like it had just been erected in a jungle. The pool was long and warm, thanks to the heater and hot weather. The whole back of the house had floor to ceiling accordion doors that opened all the way to let in the glorious view of the blue green ocean, just steps from the property. It was already furnished with good, high end stuff but I added some artwork to the walls and a few well placed knickknacks. It was a glorious place and it was all mine. I didn’t have to share it with anyone.

  Jed came along to help me buy the place, telling me I was crazy to buy a house in Hawaii, so far away from LA. But I was ready for a change. I needed to get away and take some time for myself. So, after I bought my house, I bought a new Jeep to drive around the island in. And that’s what I did, with Jed by my side. We went everywhere and saw such beauty it just took my breath away. Bear had been right about Hawaii. It was Shangri La.

  Okay, if I’m being perfectly honest, Bear never left my mind and I did miss him terribly. But, somehow, I knew we’d both made a big mistake by taking a separation. And that’s technically what we were doing.

  After I moved into my house in Hawaii, Quinn called and begged me to call Bear. I had to give it to her. She was a die-hard romantic. “Come on and call him,” she said.

  “I have called him,” I said. “I called him the day he left. I called him the day I picked up the lottery winnings. I called him the day after that. I called him again the week after that. I left voicemails and I texted him and nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. He can go fuck himself. I won’t call again.”

  “He did what you wanted him to do, you know.”

  “I never expected him to follow through with it,” I said, on the verge of getting angry at her. “It’s like we win all this money and that’s the exact moment he finally decides to do something I want him to do.”

  “Yeah,” she said, considering. “I can kind of see your point.”

  “Besides, he could call me,” I muttered.

  “I guess he’s got his reasons,” she replied. “Just call him, Willa, and get this over with.”

  But I just couldn’t do it. Something inside of me told me to move on. I wanted to share the winnings with him, of course, but he wasn’t around for me to do this. And that’s what pissed me off. It’s like he suddenly did everything right: He made promises about growing up, made me a gourmet dinner—or at least got one of his friends to—gave me a beautiful ring and then he bailed! And then, he wouldn’t return my calls! How many times was I supposed to call him and beg him to call me? How long did I have to wait for him to call back? It was ridiculous! What woman wouldn’t be pissed off a little?

  After about two weeks in Hawaii, Jed told me he had to get back to LA. He had a new movie that was going to start shooting in a month or so.

  “You’re leaving?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Willa, I have to work. I live to work. You know that. I can’t stay around here all the time.”

  I sighed and stared at the TV from my place on the big, oversized sectional couch in the family room. God, this was so nice. I flipped the channel and coverage of the Pipe Masters came up. I had forgotten about that. They were talking about how the surfers were qualifying now. And suddenly Bear was on the TV talking, laughing, answering questions in his very confident way. He looked so good I almost wanted to jump up, run over to the beach and grab him.

  Jed saw me staring at him and gave Bear a look of disdain. “Oh, look who it is. The asshole who fucked everything up.”

  I stared at him. “I thought you two made up.”

  “Who said that?” he asked. “He just came over to my house and we talked. That’s all. I still fucking hate him.”

  I remembered the postscript on Bear’s letter to me, telling me he still hated Jed. I guess they hadn’t made up, not really.

  “I need to start packing,” Jed said.

  I stared at the TV, then glanced at him. “You know, it might be fun to go over there.”

  “To that surf contest?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Why don’t we go?”

  “Hell no!”

  “Come with me,” I pleaded. “Before you go, come with me over there.”

  “No,” he said. “I’m not into that shit. You know that. And you’re just going to see Bear.”

  “Why else would I be going?” I asked. “Please?”

  He sat down beside me and said, “We’re never going to be together again, are we, Willa?”

  I shook my head. “I already told you no. We’re just friends.”

  He nodded. “It’s all because of Bear. We could have been great if you had never met him. Don’t go over there, Willa. Come back to LA with me. Let’s make a life. We can do it; we could have done it all along.”

  I felt really bad for him. We’d made out some, but never had sex since we’d started hanging around together again. I knew the poor man had blue balls the size of… Well, something very large. Oranges, maybe? Avocados? But I never led him on nor did I tease him. I set him straight from
day one. He had no reason to be upset with me.

  “The night I called you,” he said. “I just wanted to ask you if there was any chance of us ever getting back together because, you know, Bear, had come over to my house the day before and I thought you two had broken up.”

  I nodded that I understood what he was saying.

  “I didn’t know that jerk had left you. I don’t know your history together, either, but I know you, Willa. I know that young woman who I fell in love with and that woman is not someone who pines over any man. That woman moved on. She was really self-sufficient and tough. But look at what you’re doing now. You’re putting your life on hold for him!”

  I felt like crying. I said, “I don’t want you to go.”

  “Then give me a reason to stay,” he said. “I want to give it to you, everything you want, but you don’t want to take it. You talk about having kids and I’m here! I’m right here but you don’t want me.”

  I felt tears stream down my cheeks. Why had I involved him in all of this? I never should have answered his call that night. But I was hurting and wanting to hurt Bear. And I knew if I got involved with him, it will kill Bear.

  “Do you know how good looking and smart our kids would be?” he asked. “Do you know how good we’d be together? We have so much in common, and not just because we grew up together, either. You’re better than this, Willa. You are so much better than Bear!”

  I couldn’t stand for him to talk about Bear like that. But I couldn’t tell him off about it, either. He’d been my rock, guiding me through all of this, letting me lean on him. He was right. I had to make a decision and move on. I could go with him and I’d become the wife of a very prominent and respected movie director. Or I could stay and be the girlfriend of a surfer, the one who waited on the sand for her man.

  I turned to him and said, “Can you go with me to Pipe Masters or not? Let’s go and see him dominate that competition. I have to say goodbye to him, okay? I have to. It’s time I said goodbye. Once I have that closure, I can move on and then we’ll go back to LA. Together.”