Also by Samantha King Holmes
Born to Love, Cursed to Feel
We Hope This Reaches You in Time (with r.h. Sin)
To my husband, thank you for always seeing me
Let the Children Speak
Let’s not talk about it
Let’s not address it
The lump under the rug still has more room
As a child, I was taught not to speak
I was young, what did I know
As an adult, I was still told not to speak out,
it’s disrespectful
Didn’t I turn out fine despite the circumstances,
wasn’t that enough?
You said your best was given
That’s a lie I’m no longer able to accept
I was the one who had to live with the
consequences of adult decisions
that didn’t have my best interest in mind
You should have just listened
You defend yourself, you justify,
where you should apologize
You treat me as if there is still milk on my breath
while expecting an adult to grow from the ashes
of my adolescence
Expecting no tears to be shed over the desolation
of my childhood
I think we’ve created a reality
where we just don’t talk about what came before
We avoid the potholes of our bonds
We stopped trying to fill them in long ago
So little hope for recovery
Is it a shock I’ve kept my mouth shut so long?
Endured, suffered quietly
As if my pain, my anguish had no place
in this world
Didn’t deserve to be spoken, acknowledged
What power I gave everyone over me
with my devoted silence
I think my childhood died there
That’s what dire circumstances do to you
You’re a child seeing life through a child’s eyes,
being called to be mature enough to handle a
situation, but not have an opinion
How confusing that our maturity should merely be a
convenience when called upon but struck down the
minute it’s pointed out the hand they’ve played in it
They never want to hear the truth
even when we’ve aged and deserve answers
How hard it must be to face the product of your not so
well thought out decisions in a living, breathing form that
continues to ask questions that you don’t feel the need to answer
It’s easy to point out my mistakes without taking
into consideration how you contributed in making
me who I am
I’m not looking for perfection here
or even an apology
I’ve wanted the truth for so long
and now must accept that’s not something
you’re willing to give me
If Only
Guess we should have talked more
Guess you should have listened
I guess you should have taken the time
to make more of an effort
I guess things would be different
if that were the case
My feelings are valid
My truth is loud
I’ve somehow learned to drown out
the past with the beat of my ambitions
Guess you made me stronger
Guess I should thank you
Truth is though
you should have just loved me
Wet Blanket
I remember our house was big
So big, in fact, that I trapped myself there
I don’t think I ever quite forgave you for all that
we lost or keeping from me what actually went
wrong
Everything happened so fast
I’ve worked so hard the majority of my life
to have that house, to have that life back,
without ever asking myself if that’s what I really
needed
I think all I really wanted was what
I was made to believe is fulfilling
I tried to keep us all intact
Stay, be the family we’re supposed to be
I guess life is filled with humor
even when I don’t want to see it
Everyone just wanted their own lives
I think we’re all just figuring it out
So that house with the honeysuckle that grows in
the back is something I have to let go of
I didn’t get to keep it then
and I don’t need it now
It wasn’t filled with anything that lasted
I have to create my own space
Just Call Me Alice
I always escaped into books,
out of windows, and into my daydreams
I left behind a reality I felt
I was too young to change
They mocked me and my moods,
chalked it up to the transition
No one acknowledged the pain, the scars,
the desire to be home even though I didn’t
rightfully have one to call my own
I became something different
I stowed away into the nooks of a library,
the corner of any room
I wasn’t hiding myself from the world,
just working out my place in it
Carving out a reality that I felt
I would one day belong in
They may have thought it was silly of me to
dream, but my reality now is better than anything
I created in my mind
Never Enough
I could never tell you
how when you called me stocky
it made me insecure
I could never tell you
I stopped eating to be smaller
I could never tell you
I started to embrace my body
after boys noticed me
I could never tell you
they broke my heart too
I could never tell you
that I envied daughters
who had a relationship with their mother
I could never tell you
I wanted that too
I could never tell you
I felt like you chose him over us
I could never tell you
how much it all hurt
The destruction I allowed my body,
soul, and mind to go through
I could never tell you
what I’ve endured as a woman
There’s so much you don’t know
And even though you’re in my life now
there’s still so many things I still can’t tell you
Cruel Intentions
The first people to make me love
my body were boys
Even after I had cut them off
they left their intentions on me
pumping through my veins like venom
I became addicted to the validation
taking chances with my heart
I shouldn’t have chased them
I think men enjoyed the thought
of taming something wild
My body became the final frontier
They decimated me,
and left it up to me to rebuild
I don’t think I ever blossomed the same
There are scars that fleck the
beauty of what’s left
I feel like they used me as an escape
A momenta
ry lapse of lust confused as
genuine affection
Lynbrook Motel
I remember the way it smelled
It was dry, decaying,
reeked of hopelessness and neglect
It stuck to your nostrils, clung to your clothes
as if you were its only chance for salvation
The decor was out of date
It’s the stuff made of movies
We shouldn’t be here
How strange, home went from walls in a house
to a room we occupy for $ 100 a day
Don’t call us resilient, I think we were just numb
Just getting by
Just getting through it
That wasn’t home
Just a space in time that spurred everything else
__________
I don’t think you ever really liked me
We were obligated by blood to protect
to lean on, to be there for,
but liking someone is a choice
I’ve been brave, I’ve been strong, but I don’t
know if you ever respected me
I came along, and it was another person
to steal the attention away
Another person to be matched up against
I think you’ve always looked for in others
what I was supposed to be
I think you found a good replacement
I don’t know what made you hate me so much
or why you feel the need to compete
I’ve been far from perfect
but my decisions are my own
It’s hard for people to accept
that our relationship has changed
become nonexistent
but I think it is time to accept
that just because we’re family
doesn’t mean we’ll be friends
224 th
I remember the smell of honeysuckle
and the tickle of overgrown grass
My fingers outstretched toward the sun
the heat of it lingering on the tips
This little girl with so much in front of her
I go back to her, to that moment
The innocence, the dreamer,
before reality creeped in to show her
how strong she truly was, had to be
She didn’t know pain yet
She knew nothing of a relentless
need or want of others
She was happy there all alone in the tall grass
left with her imagination and the warmth on her
skin
Hindsight
You both checked out
Our childhood became collateral damage
That’s a depressing way to think about it
I don’t think anyone ever asked if I was angry
I’m still angry
There was no time to debrief
We had to keep going, always going
No time for questions, no time to understand
If I stopped for too long
it would bear down on me like a storm
Everything I’d been avoiding
So, we just kept running
I fought my storms alone
Retreated inside of people, delusions
As if somehow, if I loved someone enough
and it was returned, then everything
would be fine
I got that wrong
Love of self had to come first
The right person followed after
Liliane
I wish one day to be half the woman you were
I look more like you the older I get, so I hope I’m
off to a good start
I remember the last conversation we had
I vaguely remember your smile and your laugh
Your ascension occurred when I was young
My mind refuses to recall the images of your
body giving way on you
Your soul gently saying goodbye to the frame that
encased it
I catch a familiar scent of you and it makes me
want to cry
I never got to tell you how grateful I am that you
were in my life
With age came the understanding of the
unrelenting love you gave
With faith came the acknowledgment that
you’re in a better place
I hope when you look down that you are proud
I’m doing my best
Boden Ave
The scent of fresh baked cookies, the thud of
children running, and laughter fill the house
The pizza you ordered is on its way
The living room floor a mosaic of comforters
for the sleepover
There are debates over what scary movie to play
The atmosphere is dripping in a warmth and love
that comes from all of us being together once again
I’ve come to see this place as an uplifting refuge
A refreshing break from the constant worry on
my mind and the things I’m not saying
I get to be myself, I get to be honest, and the
amount of affection that gets poured over us in
this home is overwhelming
There is no such thing as overstaying our
welcome
You treat us as if we’re your own children even
though we’re not
You’ve always stood tall, always have made us
feel safe
I may not have said this enough
but thank you for being a constant light in our
lives and for always going that extra mile
I know you didn’t have to
I’m just not there yet
I’m learning I don’t need
your truth to move forward
It won’t fix anything
I caged myself in a past that
I wanted you to change
I fooled myself into believing that
you owning up would
somehow make things right
The truth is, I just haven’t forgiven you
I haven’t been able to accept who you are
and the choices you’ve made
I don’t know how
It’s time to face it
We stick to the surface
Venturing too deep means the possibility
of disturbing old wounds and facing issues
we’re still not comfortable talking about
The cure of which would be time and distance
until talking on the phone no longer seemed
like an obligation
I think we’ve gone the avoidance
route for far too long
We no longer know how to connect
Now that we don’t speak anymore
I’ve become ok with that
At first it hurt, but I’ve become solidified in the
notion that someone doesn’t just get to treat me
poorly and get away with it
We should have been honest or just gotten help
I think we’re at a place
where repairing takes too much out of us
We no longer see this as a bond worth saving
Trophy Child
I hate that you tell people about me
That you put me in situations
where I meet them
They approach and tell me how
they feel like they know me
How can they?
You barely do
At least not the way you should
Most times I don’t even know who they are
I end up feeling like a prop in a scene
that I’m just waiting to be over
You’re selling what they willingly buy into
No need to question why I’m a bit standoffish
Have you told them that before this we hadn’t
ta
lked in weeks?
That we don’t spend the holidays together
We haven’t really for years
No?
What about the chaos we endured when we were
younger?
Did any of what made me who I am ever get
explained?
I hate the lies, all the lies,
especially the one where we pretend
like we’re all one big happy, healthy family
I spare your feelings constantly
even though it’s not my job
So, I stand still and stare off
as you gush over everything I’ve become
without explaining the part you played in it
We are accomplices in letting people believe
that you did something to encourage me
Truth is though . . .
Well I guess, who really cares what the truth is
Acceptance
I think I yearned for something that
hadn’t quite held me in its embrace
Who taught my soul there was something
more to yearn for?
I always knew something was missing but could
never teach someone the right way to fill
in the empty space
Acceptance has been my shortcoming
for longer than I’ve been aware
I didn’t see, wouldn’t acknowledge, your pain
I only cared about mine and the role you were
supposed to play in my life
I get that there’s more to what happened
than I can recall
It’s just a shame the love you felt you were
missing is exactly what you starved me of
Exiling me to roam through every door that
opened without a thought of what was waiting for
me on the other side
You didn’t see me; I didn’t see you
I guess you felt abandoned
Can you see the irony?
In the life you chose to lead and how
that ultimately affected me
In the way you’ve remained silent
As if speaking about things
would rock the boat and toss us over
You hate confrontation
I rush to protect, it normally doesn’t
work out to my best interest
I always felt the need to defend myself
because you didn’t do it enough
I wish you did, you were supposed to be my
shield from the world and all the bad people in it
I know I have to forgive your broken pieces
It’s just, you were supposed to be the benchmark
that I measure myself up to
The best I can do is admit that I’m not quite
at that point yet
I’m starting to accept that you have your own
stories, truths too excruciating to speak aloud
Don't Tell Me Not to Ask Why Page 1