You just don’t have the heart
I needed you all and felt like I was failed
I get it, you weren’t made to be perfect
I’ll move forward, I’ll get past this
I’m trying, just know I’m trying
Ancestry
I’m digging at the roots, bare hands
fingers bleeding, torn skin, raw flesh
Tell me her name
Tell me everything you’re hiding
that you think I can’t handle
I barely know the branches, give me the roots
Was there someone like me?
How did her life turn out?
Why is a lack of information always seen as safe?
How many skeletons are buried out here?
Do you really want me to find out on my own?
Branches, I think I hate these branches
They’re full of lies and secrets
I think the foundation is dying
finally poisoned by all the hate
All the horrible things left unspoken
Everything is just falling away
I want the truth
I need something deeper, I have to unearth it
Dig it all up on my own
That means being the one to
expose what no one else is willing to
How lucky for me to be brave
Unearthed
She said my name
and it was like it was being reintroduced to me
That first conversation she told me she loved me
even though she doesn’t know me
I don’t doubt it
It was probably one of the most genuine times
it’s been said to me in my life by a stranger
We didn’t talk long, but enough for me
to know that there’s more to the story
Despite what may come
I did the right thing by calling her
and letting her know I exist
I shouldn’t have called
I knew that it was over
the moment after I hung up
The spillover was too great
That’s the thing about bottling it up
your issues don’t wait for you to be ready
They rattle your bones, ignite your blood
Mine came out in pleading heaves and sobs,
a confession unheard
The truth and the pain mixed in a dance,
twirling around the inevitable
It happened so fast
If words can create worlds
then we built a universe
only to destroy it with our anger
Things won’t ever be the same
I don’t know when the lies stop
Maybe when you become more solidified
in who you are or maybe
when they stop being easy to swallow
I was no longer this little girl who
needed to be picked up or saved
Just to be listened to, heard, respected
Respect, it’s such an interesting word
I don’t think any of you would ever be
able to see me that way
As someone who deserved yours
As something more than the tiny person
who doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life
What I need now is something you can’t supply
you haven’t ever really
That is something both of us will just
have to live with
Next in Line
I don’t know what I did to make you hate me
but you have for such a long time
Maybe you feel like you got swindled by life
Skipped over by its favor
You were the center of attention
for such a short time
Eventually I came along
and every eye cast itself upon me
I was braver, bolder, clever,
some would say a bit reckless
People would tell me
what I couldn’t do or have
and yet somehow
I would bend things to my will
Here I am talking about myself
and therein lies the problem I guess
Others did the same
You got lost in the mayhem
became the responsible leader
Pretty much did everything first
No one could tell you anything
Your way was the right way
even when it wasn’t
But somehow, I became the one to transcend
all doubts, assumptions, ill will thrown my way
I’m the next head of this matriarchy
I gather, I coordinate, I keep things together
I take on the responsibility
I’m the one with power
I see how this could upset you
How you may even feel robbed
I’m not going to apologize for who I’m becoming
I’m going to be strong and I will lead well
I didn’t have to be here alone
You thought it would be better to be against me
rather than stand side by side
You should have paid attention
I’m the one you should have bet on
Lighten the Load
It’s like I want to rip the negative emotions
out and imprison them on a page
I just want them to stop living inside me
My Secret Sadness
I sink into this abyss and say nothing
Cradled in between I don’t feel
anything and everything
I guess that’s denial
I want to cry
I’m dying on the inside for something
I’m just not quite sure what
It’s like waking from a nightmare
unable to recall the details but still scared
That’s where I am
That’s where I’ve been
I’ve been trying to tell myself
I’m not sad for so long that for a time I fooled
myself into believing that I’m all right
I don’t know how to tell you
I don’t even think I want to
Tangled in Your Web
There are some days where you act
like I’m the love of your life
others it seems like you hate me
I’ve stopped asking myself which
outweighs the other
Renewal Denied
Everything became tainted
I think we’ve argued in every room
There isn’t a corner I can tuck myself
into and seek refuge
I don’t think you decided to up
and hate me overnight
It took time
I’ve become silent, drowned out
This place just doesn’t have enough space
The silence is thick, always so thick
It’s suffocating
The sound of my sobs an aggressive intrusion
I don’t know how we got here
I don’t know how we’ll get out
We can’t stay here
We don’t belong here
Prey
I wonder what they saw when they looked at me
Could they tell I was in dire need of feeling loved?
Is desperation a scent they got off of me?
Did they know they could rip me apart and I
wouldn’t fight?
That only the bare minimum needed to be
given for me to stay
Lies and deception wouldn’t be a deterrent
That despite their faults, I would give my all
Make them feel like they were a
priority in my life
I wonder if who I was and what I would allow to
happen was something they always knew
I can’t bear your judgment
No
one knows how bad this hurts
and I won’t tell them
’cause I know I’m going to stay
and I don’t feel like being judged for it
__________
Abandoned, feels like my life is in disarray
I patiently wait for the storm to stop
It relentlessly pours in waves
The sun peeks, but never comes out
How many times do I need to mess
up a good thing?
I sit at the window and stare, envisioning
happiness dancing along the grass
Playfully combing through my hair
like a strong wind
This anguish is all knowing, all encompassing
Whose wrath have I evoked?
What punishment is mine to bear?
This experience that I am meant to gain, must it
really be so painful?
Am I that strong-willed that I must be broken to
become more resilient?
So many questions lie within the eye of turmoil
Silence, I only crave the sweet serenity
of a silent mind
I can no longer take the constant playbacks
of all that has been lost
The ruins of my past haunt me
A history I know by heart, but haven’t learned
from properly
Breathe
I inhale and exhale, but find so little relief
It’s me, I know it now
It’s me
My joy gets swept under the current
of my desire for perfection
I hold on to what I know is bad for me
Haunted by my reflection, I see who I was
and not who I am
It’s me, the storm is me and it will never stop
Not until my desire to be happy alone supersedes
my need to be loved by others
Bottled Up
Sometimes there are no words
for the emotions you feel
No way to describe it or get it out
So, you just sit there while a storm
wreaks havoc inside of you
No one notices, ’cause if they could
see it, they would pay attention
The kindest thing you did was leave
I fear asking for more
because I know you won’t give it
What is knowledge to a mind that isn’t open?
What is wisdom to ears that won’t listen?
Waiting for a phone call that doesn’t come
Believing in feelings that were never professed
Hoping for sentiments that don’t exist
I have to admit that I’m at my worst when I’m
with you
I only ever wanted to be the person you loved
Not simply the one you lay beside
I deserve that, better
I’ve treated you as if you were
confined in my life, trapped in my veins
Making your way in and out of my heart
I’ve split myself open to please you to no avail
I knew you wanted to leave
I was just trying to keep you from going
You served your purpose
I just couldn’t stand to accept that
there was nothing left for us
You were a dream I didn’t want to end
So, you ended it for me
__________
He doesn’t love me anymore
I think he prefers the vision of me
he created in his mind
Reality set in
I don’t fit the mold
My flaws are too real
My shortcomings too great
It happened over time, the disdain
At first it was small, but then it grew roots
Every new discovery only adding
a bloom to our downfall
__________
They always say transitions are hard
They just forget to mention how
it washes over your entire being
I can’t pretend like this isn’t all different
I don’t think you ever really missed me
I don’t think you ever really cared
It probably just sounded good rolling off your
tongue and making its way to your ears
I don’t think you ever really thought of me
Somehow it was my responsibility to keep
something going that you didn’t
care enough to nurture
I’m at a loss over how easy it was
for you to detach
I shouldn’t be
You gave me no illusions
You just happened to benefit
from the ones I created
The Relationship Misconception
You get told you’re nothing long enough
the objective becomes to prove that
you’re worthy
Hurt me, I’ll stay just to show you
I deserve better treatment
I’m going to be so good to your negligence, your
verbal abuse, your inability to be loyal,
that you’re going to have to open your eyes to the
kind, strong, patient woman that I am
I’m going to show you I’m worth something
despite the fact that you’ve given me nothing
Searching for the Light
They say to find the beauty in your suffering
How?
When you’re wrapped in your grief
When you’re trying to steal breaths
through the sobs
Where is this beauty?
In the ghosts of tears upon your face
In the way the world seems to slow down
ensuring you feel every dreadful minute of it
Staring off for hours, riddled with an
overwhelming sea of emotions,
unable to release them
Still haven’t found it
__________
“You’re weak” pounded
on either side of my head
Searing my mind, seeping down into my bones
I felt the weight of it
I had been weak for men
who never really loved me
Weak for friends who didn’t appreciate me
Even weak for family who wouldn’t
acknowledge the pain they caused
With you, though, I didn’t think
of myself that way
I always thought I was something more
Now you see me as they do
As they always have
Who knew all it would take is
two words to rip apart my reality
__________
I don’t know if things will get better
We’ve crossed a threshold unexplored
before into uncharted emotions
It seems we’ve reached our limit
Both damaged, both angry, both in need
of time and space from the other
I don’t fear us not making our way back
We’ve both moved forward with living
I think that’s something we do best separately
No fear of judgment
No brace for criticism
No need to keep things to ourselves
There is no illusion here that
we bring each other happiness
I think my resolve scares you
Your view of me is disconcerting
I don’t know where this is all landing
We’ve taken too much from each other
Too much pain, too much animosity
not enough forgiveness
Don’t tell me to smile
Stop telling me to smile
Stop devouring me with your eyes
Stop following me down the street,
yelling after me, as if you’re entitled to my time
St
op trying to force me to believe that I need to
stop and entertain your desires
I’m not obligated to give you what you want
Respect my right to exist without your attention
Respect my right to feel safe
to explore my city, this world, without feeling like
with each glance I’m in danger
Stop telling me I stole your heart
Stop trying to taint my moments of peace
Stop making it seem like I have to be nice to you
all because you want to have a conversation
I’ve been catcalled, pursued by men
since the tender age of eleven
That shouldn’t have happened
My body being blamed for
their lack of self-control
It wasn’t my fault
I remember wearing baggy clothes to hide my
figure in the hopes that no one would notice me
I allowed others to make me want
to feel invisible
I’m tired
It’s been well over a decade, almost two
For years I’ve dealt with it, still deal with this
Stop making it seem like it’s me, like it’s us
Stop forcing me to hold you accountable
To My Vessel
I’ve ached for you to be different
Wished that you would change
to the picture I have in my mind
I’ve languished at your curvaceousness,
cringed at your sway
As if it was your fault for the invasion
men’s eyes made, make
It wasn’t, still isn’t
I’ve wanted you to be smaller here, bigger there,
tucked in here, more polished
I’ve abused you far worse than
any lustful bystander
I’m sorry
You have always been strong even if that isn’t the
aspect that was acknowledged
You deserved, deserve, better from me
To be loved, appreciated
Thank you for standing tall
when I wanted to crumble
For everything we’ve come through together
You are beautiful
It’s about time I told you that
Boiling Point
There was an ache in my chest
Anger rumbling in my belly
I’ve shut my mouth for so long it
finally caught up with me
I remember the day I erupted
It all came rushing out
Uncontrollable, uncensored, a storm of rage
demolishing everything in its path
My emotions clawed at the back
of my throat, climbing
in desperate need for my voice to give them life
It was too much
Don't Tell Me Not to Ask Why Page 2