Can I Have It All

by Anuranjita Kumar

  Lastly, the fuel for all of the above is positive thinking. In the roller-coaster of life, it is far easier to get stuck with adverse thoughts. Thoughts are contagious and we become what we think. This tends to reflect in our behaviour and attitude. Many times I reached crossroads in life and felt out of control not knowing what the future would be. Anxious feelings can be overwhelming. In such situations thinking of positive outcomes and more importantly, believing in them helped me tide over the crisis. Sometimes I feel, because I believed in them so intensely, I almost forced that positive thinking into outcomes!

  My thoughts, feelings and achievements alluded to here, stand on the strong foundation of seven pillars:

  • Clarity

  • Conviction

  • Choices

  • Courage

  • Confidence

  • Connections

  • Collaboration

  These pillars have steered me through my life and I continue to derive strength from each of them. They carried the load of what I desired and what I wanted. I wanted it all in life…don’t we all? With a bit of help and support, I have had it all! Question is what is this ‘ALL’?

  INTRODUCTION

  Climbing the corporate ladder

  Dream it.

  Believe it.

  Achieve it. – World Changing Women@WomenOfHistory

  Climbing the corporate ladder is thrilling, exciting, heady, sometimes tough, but it is always enthralling! It has been a topic of debate and discussion for anyone who has ever had a brush with power-play at work. The degree of aspiration may vary or the drivers may differ, but the sense of growth and desire for self actualization is attractive for every individual. Even if you don’t wish to embark upon this journey yourself, chances are that you do admire and respect someone who strove hard to make it to the top. And this is because the journey is never easy!

  Isn’t it then quite obvious that this journey should touch women as much the same way as men…think not? Why? And if yes, then why does breaking the glass ceiling or encouraging diversity still remain a challenge for every organisation? Why do discussions related to increasing representation by the ‘fairer sex’ still seem so new and relevant?

  Climbing the corporate ladder for women means completing this journey through a different route – and a comparatively tougher one, so say statistics. According to recent reports from Catalyst (a non-profit organisation working to expand opportunities for women in business), about 19.2 per cent of the board seats of S&P500 companies, are held by women. Further, women CEOs are still a minority holding 4.8 per cent of CEO positions at S&P 500 companies (Catalyst. 2014 Catalyst Census: Women Board Directors. New York: Catalyst, 2015). C-Suite numbers too reflect a number ranging from eighteen to twenty per cent in various recent researches. These numbers are fairly small and growing at a much slower pace even though the percentage of women graduating from professional institutes has grown over the last decade. Women are ahead of men in their report cards and academic achievements but yet get paid less. In some countries, even up to sixty per cent of graduates are women. However more men tend to focus on the sciences – technology, engineering and mathematics (STEM) while women gravitate towards less lucrative degrees in humanities.

  What makes this journey different for women? Or is it really different? Can gender alone, make so much difference – and that too, in the corporate world?

  I don’t know all the answers, but having traversed a sizeable length of this journey, I do feel that being a woman dictates the course. The climb is different even though the destination is the same. Ultimately it all depends on your own desire, on what ‘I’ want, that determines the success. And ‘I’ is gender-neutral.

  REFLECTIONS

  Standing at the crossroads again today – much calmer, more peaceful than ever before, I decide on the next step in my life. Nostalgia creeps in. Four decades have passed by, and I am a mother of two beautiful children, yet I continue to feel like a child. How time has flown! Sitting here at the Hong Kong airport looking at the gigantic aircraft, peering inside to woo passengers, I contemplate upon my past. These aircrafts were intimidating, like the corridors of power at work, where we were also trying to bond with new employees…getting to know them better. Airports have become my home and these airplanes my friends. I do not mind this life. However, sometimes this travel does get ahead of me…for now I sit here calm and peaceful, looking back at the decades that have passed by…some existential questions start creeping into my head and my thoughts start to cloud…I look at my watch and there are two hours to go for my flight, so I settle snugly in the corner sofa chair with a coffee, reflecting and writing my thoughts down.

  As I think about what is next for me in life at work, I start to wonder where I am with my current role at Citi. Have I broken the glass ceiling? By taking the road less travelled at different milestones in my life, have I reached where I wanted to be? The more I think, the more at ease I feel. I am not sure if I have reached my destination (I wish I knew what that was!) but it feels I am on a track that I aspire to be on and need to keep prodding along. So how do I commence my next innings and what would it take for me to get there?

  I close my eyes and my whole life flashes before me. I can feel a child-like excitement at my mother’s home. Her warm hands caressing my hair, school anxiety, scorn for a few and love for a many, the excitement at my first day at work, my first recognition, promotion, marriage, motherhood…so much has passed by and I truly feel more holistic than ever, completely ready to bat out my next innings! There’s celebration and cheer of having accomplished something. Yet, I feel the hunger and excitement towards what an uncertain future may hold for me !

  What is the next innings in leadership? The answer is a bit hazy but also mysteriously exciting…it is the familiar feeling I experience at every milestone of my professional life every few years. The time spent reflecting helps me relax and the clouds part away gradually.

  Life has been a roller-coaster ride with its highs and lows. I have enjoyed this journey, emerging as a slightly different, more rounded individual after each ride. My early experiences shaped my values, perspectives and drivers which kept me on course when I entered the corporate world, which was not an easy place for a woman a few decades ago. But now, two decades later, though it’s relatively easier for women to get to the top, I feel may be I was fortunate to ride the wave.

  My reflections and my learnings that have helped shape me, my personal and professional life, are captured for you. If this can help any woman in any way to propel her career forward, my journey would become more meaningful and rich. We all start similar. What matters is what you manage to make of it.

  With this book I hope to make a small difference towards that change and provide others with the perspectives and learnings that I have gathered in my journey. As Hillary Clinton is known to have said, ‘When it comes to the enormous challenge of our time, to systematically and relentlessly pursue more economic opportunity in our lands, we don’t have a person to waste and we certainly don’t have a gender to waste.’

  1 CLARITY OF PURPOSE

  helps us move through the passage of time in the right direction! As the famous Cheshire cat stated, ‘If you don’t know where you want to go, then any road will take you there’

  CLARITY OF PURPOSE

  The purpose of one’s life can’t possibly go beyond achieving your greatest self and recognising what this self can really do! Thus, it does become imperative to find out what this self is capable of, and how and where it may be discovered, so that we can then engage in maximising its potential. Introspections and reflection can find and refine this self.

  I believe a lot of it lies in your growing years, when you are forming the first impressions about the world, trying to figure out within yourself, your own little space. A few aha! moments. A few eureka moments that gradually create a trail for us to follow and give us some idea about our destination.

  I come from a modest family w
here my parents earned enough to provide a comfortable life for us two sisters. My father completed his PhD and took up a job at a pharmaceutical company in a small town called Rishikesh. My mother, a fairly driven lady, is a gynaecologist from a well-known, Indian medical college.

  While my father, a humble man, ensured we remained grounded, my mother, a driven professional and a very far-sighted, proactive woman, ensured we were well-prepared to deal with the big, bad world.

  My mother always pushed the edge on risky decisions, which was quite contrary to my conservative father’s style. But it would somewhat serve as a perfect balance in the house on how we did things as a family. We were two sisters with me being the older one. My grandmother was of the view that my mother should have been supported by a son.

  My mother always believed that her daughters could be her sons. At that age I was not sure what that was supposed to mean but as I grew up it became apparent that it implied someone who was more capable of having a great job, status and wealth! I often debated why I could not be slated to earn all that even as a daughter? My mother raised us like her sons, which at that time was difficult for me to decipher but as I became more worldly-wise I figured it out. I kept on questioning why I needed to be a boy to achieve all of that.

  We were a typical, Indian family with a high premium on education; my parents were very ambitious about the quality of education that they wanted their children to have. The fact that my parents were highly-educated meant the children were expected to exceed in the space as well. Rishikesh being a small town with limited quality schools, I was sent to a premium boarding school, Welhams, in Dehradun, at the age of seven. I don’t have many memories apart from the night when my mother left me in the boarding and I ran frantically behind her while my teachers held me back. I could see my mother’s tears rolling down her cheeks but her steps were unwavering towards the exit of the school, as she knew tears today will toughen me up to weather the storms of tomorrow.

  THE SEEDS OF SELF-RELIANCE ARE SOWN

  My years in boarding taught me early decision-making and self-reliance. At Welhams, I met children from a wide range of backgrounds ranging from royalty to political families, from wealthy backgrounds to grounded middle-income homes. School was wonderful and tried its best to keep social disparity at bay. There were kinder girls, not-so-kind girls, collaborators, and friends…and some opportunistic peers. Given we were away from our families, our emotional needs were fulfilled through the bonds with teachers, friends and matrons. Welhams School was a true reflection of the real world; it was like growing up in a lab, which was fully simulated to reflect the trials and tribulations of the real world.

  I vividly recall our transition from junior school to senior school as a real landmark. We were suddenly designated as grown-ups yet we were the junior-most batch amongst the senior girls. Cozy rooms transformed into never-ending, large dormitories. Some seniors led the way to settle us in, whereas others would be distant till their kinder side would surface and they would befriend you. We scurried around to figure out what this new phase of our school life had in store for us: more studies, extra-curricular, sports, outings on our own and so on. It was exciting and challenging at the same time. The path was for you to discover and the support of teachers and buddies was always available. At times it was easier if you knew the right seniors to crack the code to the new environment…somewhat similar to our workplace in current times. It was a true reflection of how our work environment works with constant change, relationships and play. One had to be determined to win, push oneself and work one’s way around! I learnt a great deal about how to think and execute, during these transitions…much more than was ever taught in any textbook.

  We were completely self-reliant when it came to studies, no parents or tuitions to help; you could reach out to teachers, seniors or friends. Hence a strong sense of self awareness and drive was extremely critical. We became what we intended to be…there was no one to push us onto any prescribed path as the path had to be decided by oneself. It was truly a foundation I cherish as it was to hold me in good stead for many years to come. It ignited a fire in me to do something bigger. At this stage of my life, I was unclear how this would pan out. However, the little green shoots were sprouting. I just wanted to be somebody worthwhile!

  Twenty five years after graduating from school, I can say that I am that somebody I feel happy about. Recently, when I met my entire batch of the class of 1989 at the Silver Jubilee reunion, I felt a sense of jubilant hysteria. It was wonderful to see everybody and we were transported back to the old days in school. Each had chartered a different course of life for herself, all very beautiful, but only some chose to pursue a full time career. I noticed how many of us had gone into completely divergent paths of being homemakers, consultants, artists, professionals and so on, inspite of a similar foundation…it is the path all of us chose, or in some cases our families chose, (if we were not clear)…that now defined us. I have to confess what was evident was that of all the girls who graduated together, a larger percentage chose to be caregivers. were these choices made consciously? Were they circumstantial? Or maybe it did not matter? I was privileged to have some very talented girls in my class and selfishly I wished to have more of them with me, hand in hand, in this corporate jungle. We were and would have been a formidable team!

  A TEST OF SELF-BELIEF

  I grew up trying to be more than just a ‘girl child’ in a country where a boy child is still a preferred option (as if there could be one!). I often witnessed my parents being told in passing discussions amongst relatives about how they have to save up to get two girls settled (politely meant marriage) and how it would have been better if one of us had been a boy. I despised such discussions and it somehow egged me on to create a deeper impact. The rebel in me was gradually and constructively growing.

  Driven by my desire to create an impact that would fulfil my mother’s dream to have another doctor in the family, like a good, Indian student I studied math and science to enable me to appear for medical exams. I secured admission in a top-league medical college. Given my mother’s wish and I, being the older one, felt obliged to fulfil her desire. But a few months in college and it became apparent that something was not right. I was unhappy and not settling into the seemingly studious and different environment. Contemplating over the first few weeks made me realise that medicine is not something I was actually interested in. I had taken the subject only for my mother and for all the negative comments that she had to face for the two daughters she had…the dilemma was evident. I felt stifled in classrooms, with classmates who were culturally very different from what I had been used to at Welhams. A part of me was dying every day and the conviction that this was not my purpose, grew strong. A couple of months later, when I spoke to my parents, they were truly shocked. It was fairly difficult for them, especially my mother, to understand why I would want to give up studying medicine (admissions for which are very difficult in the college I went to) and charter out into an unknown future! My father was calmer about it and let me take charge only on one condition: I needed to secure alternate admission in a good university.

  Faced with this self-created crisis, the flames of my earlier kindled purpose to make an impact, grew stronger, I felt I had let my parents down in some way by this episode and wanted to find a solution. I was responsible for the outcome and felt fully engaged towards resolving it. In October, 1989, I went from college to college in Delhi University begging for a seat. However, knowing fully well the competition amongst students in Delhi, I had to tell myself every morning that it would be fine. I had to make myself really believe this – as sometimes the seeds of doubt would creep in. I had no options, so keeping optimistic was my only panacea. After tremendous persistence I got admission in one college with hostel promised after a month. Apart from the admission, the hostel situation was critical as I had no one to live with in Delhi. I knew my parents would not let me live by myself given their view of the safety and security s
ituation in Delhi. As they say, sometimes when you want something so intensely the whole universe conjures it all up to give it to you! I felt something like that happened here. It was the best college for the subject I chose: Psychology! Phew.! I was grateful for the strength and determination that I had garnered in school to tide me through this phase.

  FOLLOWING MY HEART

  Victoriously I apprised my parents that I had landed myself in a college under Delhi University and that too with an honours in psychology, a specialisation it was known for. Even though it was a subject I knew nothing about but something felt right this time. I saw no reason to pursue the sciences if I was not going to make a career out of it. My parents were both inclined to the sciences and they thought humanities as an area not reliable enough to secure one a prospective career, were evidently shocked! But they remained calm, veiling their disappointment even though I could sense the lack of excitement and joy on their faces that had been apparent when they’d heard about medical school. A pain seared through my heart…have I disappointed them? Will I make it up? Will I be able to create an impact? Am I doing this right? After all they had more experience than I had. Should I believe in myself to take a leap of faith? Then it struck me that if I can’t take a leap of faith myself…who will? I decided I have to make this work even though I was unsure what psychology would lead me to.