Dumping Billy

by Olivia Goldsmith

  “I don’t think red is her color,” Kate objected, and then realized she had now added to the critique.

  “I agree with you there,” Brice said from the front seat beside the driver. He handed Bina a tissue. “I see you more in a sizzling salmon.”

  By the time they were ready to head home, Bina had charged more on her credit cards in one day than she ordinarily spent in three months. Kate was exhausted but happy to see that Bina finally seemed to be enjoying herself, even if it was over silly things and a harebrained scheme. It was the first day she had paid more attention to herself than Jack since he’d left. Elliot helped Bev waddle up the steps of Kate’s building.

  “A fashion show!” Brice demanded once they were inside. Barbie, Bunny, and Bev added their chorus, and so did Kate, a little reluctantly. Having all of them in her living room felt not just crowded but claustrophobic. It was a clash of cultures and sexual orientation in the tiny space that was, in a way, sacred to her. But Kate was the only one who seemed disoriented. Bev had her feet up, her hands over her belly, Barbie sat primly in the rocker, Bunny stood in front of the fireplace, glancing every so often at her honeymoon tan in the mirror that hung over the mantel, and Brice was busy going through the bags, while Elliot just sat back on the sofa, smiling to himself.

  Bina took the shopping bags into Kate’s bedroom and, a few minutes later, returned completely transformed. There was a moment of silence. Kate was shocked. In a single day, Bina had changed literally from head to toe, and she could barely recognize the hot little number pirouetting in front of them. She thought of Billy Nolan and the look he had given her out on the terrace. Would a man who had approved of her style and looks want a woman arrayed the way Bina was?

  “Wow! You look great!” Bev said, breaking the silence.

  Then Elliot gave an excellent wolf whistle, and Barbie, Brice, and Bunny began to applaud. Kate joined in. “Okay, so now all we have to do is bring you over to Billy and serve you up on a platter,” Elliot said.

  “How?” Bina asked, as if playing the trussed fowl on a plate came naturally.

  “We go to his place of business,” Elliot said, “the Barber Bar in Williamsburg. Then we—”

  “Is that where he works?” Kate interrupted. Elliot ignored her and laid out the time, the rendezvous spots, the assault on the watering hole, and all the rest as if he were the Iron Duke planning an invasion.

  “Now, not that you can’t do it, but let me come over and do a touch-up to your hair and makeup next weekend,” Brice said. “And I’ll have a surprise for you.”

  “I’ll hafta be surprised later,” Bev said. “I need to get home for my Johnny.”

  “Sure, Bev,” Barbie said. “Bunny, are you in?”

  “Sure,” Bunny said.

  Kate looked at her and wondered if Bunny had enjoyed her honeymoon, especially after . . . after Billy. Then she wondered if she’d like to go on a “honeymoon” with Michael. They had spent one weekend at the Jersey shore, which had been pleasant. Two weeks, though . . .

  Kate brought her focus back to the party that was breaking up. “We’ll see you all later,” Barbie told them. “Oh, Bina, I’m so excited for you. Good clothes open all doors.” Kate tried not to laugh. How had Barbie’s mother known in advance how to name her so accurately?

  There were many kisses and hugs, and then the three women disappeared out the front door.

  Bina was left with Brice and Elliot, who were walking her to the subway. At last Kate was left alone. She wondered what Dr. and Mrs. Horowitz would say when Bina walked in the door. Mrs. Horowitz had a mild heart condition; maybe she should call ahead to prepare her.

  It wasn’t until Kate was in bed, just at the edge of sleep, that she wondered again what she would look like after a makeover. Then she closed her eyes and slept—poorly—for the rest of the night.

  Chapter Twenty

  Kate sat in her office across from two identical twin boys wearing identical green corduroys and white T-shirts, each with the same picture of a Tyrannosaurus rex clawing across his chest. Each had a name tag stuck to his shirt—one reading “James” and the other “Joseph.” Kate was perched on the front of her desk purposely, to appear to tower over the two small third graders. The three of them had been talking for a while already, and Kate thought she’d cleared up the situation.

  “Now, I am going to take you back to Mrs. Gupta’s class, James,” she said, pointing at one of the boys—the one who was wearing the “Joseph” name tag. “And you, Joseph, are to go back to Mrs. Johnson’s,” she said sternly to the other boy. “Where each of you belongs,” she added.

  The Reilly twins were good boys, well behaved and intelligent. But they had been assigned separate classes this year with the consent of their parents, and since the separation, they had developed a bad habit of fooling not only their classmates but their teachers and even Dr. McKay about their identities. They switched at will, but when Kate suggested to their parents that the third graders might be better off if they dressed individually instead of in matching clothing, they had insisted that it was up to the boys. And the boys still wanted to dress alike.

  Lately, the mischief had escalated, but Kate felt her talk about trust and fooling people had penetrated into the strange and interesting world of twinship. “So we’re agreed?” she asked.

  Just then the phone rang. Kate turned her back to the twins and reached for the receiver. “Dr. Jameson,” she answered.

  “Dr. Jameson? This is Dr. Bina Horowitz. I’ll be at your office ready for our conference tomorrow at six. I’ve been told we have to consult with Dr. Brice first,” Bina said.

  “No one is listening in, Bina,” she told her friend. Years of eavesdropping by her mother on the extension had made Bina paranoid. “Come on over for Operation Ridiculous. I’ll be there at five. Gotta go. I’m working.”

  Kate hung up and turned back to the twins. “I want the two of you to exchange your name tags now,” she said. They nodded, peeled off the sticky-backed strips, and handed them to each other contritely. Her phone rang again. She sighed and turned her back on the twins, who quickly retraded name tags and seats.

  “A Dr. Michael Atwood is here to see you,” Louise, the secretary from the front office, informed Kate in her nasal voice.

  “Thanks, I’ll be right out,” she said, and cradled the receiver. This was unexpected. Michael was nothing if not a creature of habit. Kate wondered what had prompted such a spontaneous visit.

  Kate’s mind was so preoccupied with these thoughts that she didn’t notice the twins’ subterfuge. “Remember,” she said to them absently, “it isn’t just a trick to switch places. It’s unkind to fool people. And after you fool them, they won’t trust you when you want them to. Understand?” Normally, she wouldn’t have repeated herself, but she was a little thrown by this surprise and was anxious to hear what Michael had to say.

  The twins nodded innocently. She hopped off her desk and took each boy by the hand. She led them out the door and down the hall. Michael was standing at the far end. He gave her a big, if somewhat sheepish, smile, which Kate did not acknowledge. Instead she stopped in front of a classroom door and nodded for “James” to go in. “Joseph” let go of her other hand, gave her a triumphant smile, and raced to another door on the opposite side of the hall.

  Only then did Kate smile back and walk up to Michael. “Nice surprise,” she said to reinforce his spontaneous behavior. “What are you doing here?”

  “I thought I’d see you in action. Very stern.” He smiled. “You’re such a natural with kids.”

  “Thanks,” Kate replied. She wondered—just for a moment—if he ever thought of her as the mother of his children, but then she stopped herself. It was too early for that.

  “You almost ready to go?” he asked. “Do you mind that I dropped by?”

  “Not at all,” Kate said. “I like it.” And she did.

  “I have something else I wanted to show you before tonight,” Michael said, reaching
into his briefcase. He pulled out an academic journal with a bit of a flourish.

  “Oh, Michael! Your article!” He had been working on this piece for months. He had even gone into the field for research. It meant a lot to him and to his career. Kate was delighted for him.

  “Hot off the press from the University of Michigan’s Journal of Applied Sciences,” he said proudly.

  Kate gave him a big hug. “I’m so pleased for you,” she said. “What a great surprise!” She took the journal and opened it to the article. He had already marked the page with a bright red sticker. She smiled at that. There were things about him that were . . . surprisingly childlike. It was endearing.

  They walked back to her office. “That’s the very first copy,” he told her. “I thought as soon as you were done here we could go out for a drink and then maybe dinner.” She smiled at him and nodded. “I’m looking forward to our weekend,” he said, and he put his arm around her and nuzzled her neck. She felt his stubble tickle her and giggled, just as Dr. McKay appeared at the door.

  “Excuse me,” he said.

  Michael pulled away, and Kate did her best not to look like a guilty schoolgirl. In fact, she found herself having to suppress a smile, since Dr. McKay’s face clearly showed his confusion as well as his disapproval. She could imagine him trying to decide whether she was two-timing Elliot or had moved on, slutlike, to a new man. Since it wasn’t his business, she smiled at him. “Yes, Dr. McKay?”

  “There seems to be a problem with the Reilly twins,” Dr. McKay told her. Kate could see him trying to keep his eyes off of Michael.

  “I know,” she told him. “I had them in my office and we had a talk about it. Dr. McKay, I would like to introduce Dr. Michael Atwood.”

  Dr. McKay nodded curtly in Michael’s general direction, then turned back to Kate. “I know you saw them,” he told her, “but apparently they pulled a switcheroo again.”

  “Oops,” Kate said. “I guess I’ll have to do some more in-depth work with them,” she told him.

  “I guess you will.” Dr. McKay turned and disappeared.

  Michael looked at Kate. “‘Oops’?” he asked. “Is that a Freudian or a Jungian term?”

  Kate had to laugh, though she felt some embarrassment and concern. Well, she would deal with it on Monday. Now she had to deal with her changed plans for the weekend.

  As they walked out of the school and passed the playground, Kate took Michael’s hand. “I’m so glad you came to the school,” she said. “It gives us some extra time together.” Michael nodded and smiled. So much for the setup, Kate thought. “The thing is, Michael, I have to go out tomorrow night.”

  “Tomorrow night? But it’s Saturday.”

  “I know. But it’s Bina . . .”

  “Oh. Bina.”

  “It will just be for a few hours,” Kate told him.

  “A few hours on Saturday night,” Michael said, and Kate could hear the reproach in his voice.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s not going to be fun. I just have to.” As she voiced the words, she felt annoyed with herself and him. She didn’t have to apologize. Why did she feel so guilty? It was a small change, and it wouldn’t hurt him to learn to be a little more flexible.

  Michael nodded, then looked down at his shoes for a moment. Kate watched him adjust, and then he put his hand in his pocket, pulled it out, and opened his fist. There, nestled in the palm of his hand, were two shiny keys on a new key ring. “Well,” he said, “I’m glad I got these for you. It’ll make Saturday more convenient. You can let yourself in to my place.”

  Kate took the keys as if they were a piece of jewelry. Indeed, exchanging keys was the equivalent of what getting pinned had been decades ago. It was a sign of trust and commitment. “Oh, Michael,” she said, taking the keys. She kissed him, then realized that she would now have to give her keys to him. She also realized that she didn’t really like the idea.

  The next evening, a guilty Kate and a new, hot, trendy Bina met Elliot and Brice at Kate’s apartment to do a hair and makeup touchup and begin their trek into Brooklyn. Kate looked down at her own simple blue knit dress—short, but with a turtleneck—and felt distinctly underdressed, though she knew it was flattering. Steven had liked it. Then she reminded herself that this was about Bina, not her. Billy meant nothing to her.

  “This is even better than that trip to Nevis last fall,” Brice said. “The cultures of indigenous people have always fascinated me.”

  Kate cleared her throat to catch Brice’s attention and gave Bina a sideways glance. Bina, however, was too absorbed in trying to learn to walk in the “fuck me” sandals to notice Brice’s comment. Brice, taking pity on Bina’s poor soul, not to mention poor soles, cocked his head and said, “Think up, dear. Lift! Lift!”

  Bina jerked her shoulders up higher, and in just a moment the look of total concentration on her face passed into a smile. She took a few tentative steps, then walked around Kate’s small living room almost confidently. “Hey! Wow!” she exclaimed. “Thanks, Brice. That really works.”

  Kate couldn’t resist. “Brice,” she asked, “where did you learn about walking in stilettos?”

  “Hey, is there a party going on?”

  The voice, muffled by the door but clearly Max’s, stopped the conversation. Elliot, closest to the entrance, reached out and turned the knob. Max, with his dry cleaning hooked over his shoulder and a bag of takeout in his other hand, was staring across Kate’s living room at Bina. His eyes moved up and down, and Kate watched as both hands opened in surprise and the takeout and plastic-wrapped dry cleaning fell to the floor. For a moment, despite the spills, Max couldn’t pull his eyes away. “Bina?” he asked. “Is that you?” Then, as if waking from a spell, he looked down, flushing with embarrassment. He crouched to pick up the hangers while Elliot went for the plastic containers of what looked like Chinese food. Fortunately, they hadn’t spilled their contents.

  “Hi, Max,” Bina said. Kate had to turn away from the wreckage in the hallway because she could hardly believe it was Bina who had managed to pack so much flirtatiousness into the two syllables simply with her tone. In all the years she had known her, Kate had never heard a coy sentiment escape Bina’s lips. But there was definitely something new, some come-hither timbre, packed into her words. Suddenly Kate felt that perhaps Bina could manage to nail a date with Billy Nolan.

  “Here’s your dinner,” Elliot said cheerfully to Max, handing the bag back to him. “Gotta go.”

  Kate grabbed her purse and ushered Bina out the door behind Brice’s broad back. Unfortunately, she had to stop to lock the door, and in the moment it took her to do so, Max, still immobilized, asked Bina, “What happened to you?”

  Bina opened her mouth, but before she could put her sandaled foot in it, Brice intervened. “Only I and her hairdresser know for sure. Toodles.” He took Bina’s hand and led her to the stairs.

  As Kate followed them, she turned and saw Max, still frozen, above her. “Don’t worry. It wasn’t Bina,” she told him. “It’s Bina’s evil twin.”

  The taxi had sped across the bridge and now seemed lost in Brooklyn. “Do you know where this Barber Bar is?” Kate asked.

  “Sure,” Elliot said. “We’ll stop right here. It’s just a block or two, and we’re meeting the others on the corner. I need some time to coach Bina.” Turning to her, he said, “Now remember, if you want this to work, you have to remember LAID.”

  Kate sighed. “If that’s a requirement, we may as well go home now. Bina already made it clear that she’s not going to sleep with that man.”

  “I thought I didn’t have to go to bed for this to work,” Bina whined. “I love Jack and don’t—”

  “Oh, calm down, both of you,” Elliot interrupted. “Not laid, LAID. L-A-I-D,” he spelled. “God, I hate acronyms. They’re so military and butch. Anyway, it stands for lick, arouse, ignore, and disturb.”

  “What am I supposed to lick, Elliot?” Bina asked him, her voice tentative.


  “Your lips,” Elliot answered.

  “And that’s all you lick, missy!” Kate added.

  “And that will arouse him?” Bina frowned. “And what do I ignore?”

  “Him!” Elliot answered, as if to say, “Uh, duh!”

  “And why?” Kate demanded, not liking this acronym at all. She was only afraid that Billy would ignore Bina and the entire plan would fall apart.

  “Because he obviously has intimacy issues,” Elliot explained, turning to Kate with exasperation. “God! You’re the shrink, not me.”

  “I don’t get it,” Bina admitted.

  “If you ignore him, he won’t be afraid of you,” Elliot said. “And if he’s not afraid, he’ll ask you out again. We just have to get past the two-point-seven-month requirement.”

  “Fine,” Bina said good-naturedly. “Then what?”

  “Disturb,” Elliot answered.

  “That should be easy,” Kate told them. “Just tell him why we’re doing this. I think Billy Nolan would find this whole idea very disturbing.”

  Elliot ignored Kate. “Try to be just disturbing enough to be a challenge, but not challenging enough to be a turnoff. You get it?” he asked.

  “I—I think so,” Bina stammered.

  “Well, come on, kids,” Brice said as the cab pulled over to the curb. “The Bitches and Billy are waiting!” He looked at them and started to laugh. “This is a little like the Osbournes visiting Sesame Street.”

  The cab had pulled up to the subway stop at Bedford Street, where they had all agreed to meet. Bev and Barbie were already there. Bev was looking very pregnant, while Barbie appeared to have raided the closet of a fifteen-year-old girl.

  “I haven’t had a night out with the girls in I don’t know how long!” Bev squealed.

  “Me either. Biological girls, at least,” Elliot said, looking lovingly at Brice, who had immediately gotten into a “deep” conversation with Barbie about hemlines.

  “We’re going to meet Bunny at the bar,” Bev told them.