Tomato Girl

by Jayne Pupek

  “There’s no way to fix this,” she complained.

  “Oh yes, there is. You look sexy with short hair. Very European.”

  Her face brightened, and she kissed Daddy on the cheek.

  Daddy noticed me standing by the door. “Get dressed, Ellie. I want you to come along.”

  “But Mama …”

  “I don’t want to hear a damn word about your mother right now,” Daddy barked. “I know you brought the scissors upstairs, Ellie. There’s no other way she could have gotten them. I thought we’d talked about this last night.”

  Ashamed, I looked at the floor.

  Daddy walked over, lifted my chin, and stared into my eyes. He didn’t blink, not once, as if he could will me to see things his way. “Your mother’s not well. I don’t know how much more I can take. I know you were trying to help, that you didn’t want to see her that way, but you have to trust me, Ellie. She’s dangerous when she gets this angry. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t let her hurt Tess either, or you, or herself for that matter. Do you understand? You can’t second-guess me, young lady. Someone could get hurt.”

  I swallowed hard, not sure what to say. So much of what Daddy said was true, but Tess was only the tomato girl. He was supposed to be worried about Mama, not Tess. I didn’t know how to make Daddy see. He was blind when it came to Tess.

  When Daddy released my chin, I walked to my closet and pulled out a blue sun dress. After I dressed and combed my hair, I gathered Jellybean and went downstairs to wait for the cab.

  Going with Tess to the salon was the last thing I wanted to do, but Daddy was not in a mood to hear my complaints. I’d go along, wait for Tess to get her hair trimmed, then come back home and look after Mama the rest of the day. She’d need to eat, take a bath, and dress in a clean gown. The pansies and dirt should be swept up from the kitchen floor. The cut sheets had to be thrown away, and Mama’s bed made fresh and clean. I would do it all, too, every single chore. Daddy would soon see that we didn’t need Tess. I’d take care of the house and Mama. I’d take care of everything.

  I’D NEVER BEEN to the beauty parlor before and wasn’t sure what to expect. I wore my hair long, with bangs straight across the front. Mama trimmed them for me every six or seven weeks, or whenever I complained about my hair getting in my eyes. When she suffered bad moods and couldn’t be trusted with shears, I used a plastic barrette to hold my bangs to one side, or I trimmed them myself. Mama wore her hair long, too, but sometimes permed or colored it, which she did herself.

  The cab took us downtown, past the post office and drugstore, to the little beauty parlor with wigs and shampoos on display in the front window. A bed of plastic grass filled the window well with pink, orange, blue, and purple eggs scattered through the green. I lifted Jellybean from my purse to show him the pretty scene. “Today is Good Friday,” I whispered in his ear.

  “I want the works for both my girls,” Daddy told the lady at the cash register.

  She smiled at Daddy. Sky-blue eye shadow creased in her lids. “Sugar, they just don’t make enough men like you.”

  Daddy blushed and handed the lady a wad of money. Tess squeezed his hand.

  “Well, okay then. I’m going over to the store, see if Mr. Morgan needs a hand. I’ll be back in an hour or so,” Daddy said, kissing both Tess and me before walking back to the cab.

  How I missed the store. I wanted to tend to the chicks and help set out the phlox, marigolds, and snapdragons for spring. I’d rather sweep the dusty aisles or water plants than have my hair styled, but Daddy wanted me to do this with Tess. I’d already angered him by cutting Mama free. In a way, Tess’s bad haircut was my fault. Crossing Daddy now would only make matters worse. He seemed to be determined that Tess and I be friends, like we’d been on the first day, when that seemed possible. It wasn’t possible now, but I wanted to smooth things over with Daddy as best I could.

  Tess and I sat in chairs near the window and waited for our turns.

  A woman came for Tess. “My name’s Ester.” She had wide hips that strained under dark stretch pants, and her small head was covered in red ringlets. “Lord, child, who did this to you? It looks like a butcher cut your hair,” she said, running her thick fingers through the pale wisps of Tess’s hair.

  “I’d rather not say,” Tess told her.

  I looked down at the floor, hoping Ester wouldn’t ask me what happened to Tess’s hair.

  Jellybean peeped inside my basket purse. I whispered to him to hush while I waited. Almost immediately, the woman with blue eye shadow came for me. “My name’s Bunny,” she said, leading me to the back room to shampoo my hair. I figured her name was a good omen with it being Easter weekend.

  While Bunny’s fingers scrubbed my scalp, I listened to Tess complain to Ester that a crazy and jealous woman had come into her room in the night and chopped off her long blonde hair. I was glad when the rinse water filled my ears so I didn’t have to listen to the rest of her story.

  AN HOUR LATER, Daddy returned as he said, greeting us both with a single carnation. Red for Tess, pink for me. I didn’t ask, because I already knew he bought no flower for Mama.

  Tess’s hair was a cap of soft blonde curls with bangs like fringe coming to the middle of her forehead. My hair looked almost the same as it did before, only a little shorter and curled on the ends.

  Daddy said we looked beautiful. He thanked Bunny and gave her a tip. We walked out to the sidewalk, Tess on one side of Daddy and me on the other.

  “Where’s the cab?” Tess asked.

  Daddy pulled keys from his pocket and dangled them in the air. The brass keys glinted in the sun.

  “You bought us a car?” Tess squealed, smacking her hands together as if she could hardly believe it, as if Daddy had bought the car just for her.

  “Mr. Morgan made me an offer on his son’s Pontiac. I couldn’t pass it up,” Daddy said, pointing to the corner where he’d parked a pale yellow car with a black roof.

  He shook the keys again. “Now, it’s not every day a man buys a car. Let’s go for a drive.”

  “What about Mama?” I asked, wanting to get home. We’d already been gone for over an hour.

  “Oh, we’ve got plenty of time. We’ll get back soon, don’t worry. Just a quick little spin, Ellie.”

  “Okay.” I went along; it was easier not to argue.

  Tess walked over and stroked his face with the back of her hand, then giggled. She snatched the keys from his hand and said, “Let’s go!”

  Tess wanted to drive.

  “Give me the keys, Tess.” Daddy held his open hand toward her. His voice sounded half-serious, half-playful.

  Tess was already buckling herself into the driver’s seat. She clutched the keys in her hands. “I know how to drive!” She’d driven the old pickup truck to the store, so I knew this was true.

  I sat in the back and held Jellybean. The faded plaid seat cover smelled like cigarettes, but was still in good shape. I rubbed my fingers over the chrome door handles and the black vinyl.

  Daddy and Tess kept on about the keys.

  “I know, honey, but you don’t have a permit, and I don’t need you getting a ticket while you’re with me. Give me those keys.”

  “If you want them, take them,” Tess said as she tucked them down the front of her shirt.

  I watched through the rearview mirror as my father slipped his hand inside Tess’s blouse and fished for the keys.

  She squirmed, giggled, and pushed at his hands. Daddy reached in further, and I blushed to see my father’s hand disappear inside Tess’s bra. A few seconds later, he pulled out the keys. “Ta da!” he said, just like a magician pulling a rabbit from a hat. Daddy held the keys in front of her face. “Here, honey, go ahead and drive. I just pray the sheriff doesn’t see you driving with me.”

  “It’s a dumb rule anyhow that I can’t get a permit on account of my epilepsy. I haven’t had a seizure in so long.”

  “I know. Sometimes rules don’t make sense,”
Daddy agreed.

  I thought it sounded like a pretty good rule myself. If what Mary Roberts had told me about seizures was true, there would be no way to avoid a wreck.

  Tess started the car and pulled onto the street. She pressed too hard on the accelerator and caused the car to jerk forward, almost spilling Jellybean to the floor. “Let’s get out of this town,” she said, “and never come back.”

  I didn’t pay any attention to what Tess said. She was only dreaming out loud. My father would never leave Granby.

  AS THE ROAD unrolled toward the next town, I wondered if Tess had a destination in mind, but soon realized she just wanted to drive.

  I tried to imagine living in a house without a mother and only a father who did dirty things to me. That would never feel like home. I’d probably want to keep driving, too.

  After what seemed more than an hour, I leaned over the seat and tugged at my father’s sleeve. “Let’s go home, Daddy.” We’d been out far too long; Mama needed food and a bath. The haircuts had taken long enough. I wanted to go home.

  “Rupert, I have an idea.” Tess said before Daddy could respond.

  “What is it, hon?” Daddy asked.

  “Let’s drive to the river, have a little picnic before we go back. Please, Rupert? I’m just not ready yet. Not now, not after last night.”

  Daddy hesitated and looked at his watch. He knew we’d already left Mama home alone for too long, but he couldn’t refuse Tess.

  WE STOPPED AT A market and bought ham sandwiches, potato chips, pies, and Cokes. I’d never been inside or even heard of Galen’s Convenience Store, so I figured we’d traveled a good distance outside of Granby. Walking the aisles of stocked goods made me miss Daddy’s store more than ever.

  Tess held the bag of food on her lap and gave Daddy the keys so he could drive the rest of the trip. Then, after parking at the boat dock, we walked up a steep hill to a flat gray rock that stuck out in the water like a hitchhiker’s thumb. As we sat on the sun-warmed rock and ate, Tess and I hardly said a word to each other. She’d tried to get me to comment on her haircut while we were at the salon, but I’d forced a half smile and looked away. I felt bad for her life, but couldn’t forgive her for trying to steal my father’s love.

  I just didn’t want to be there, out with Tess. I still loved Daddy, and didn’t understand how he could behave this way, but I knew Tess was to blame. If she’d go away, Daddy would become himself again. Mama would be important to him the way she used to be, and with Daddy focused on her, she would get better. If only Tess would leave.

  While Daddy and Tess talked about the store and places we could go now that Daddy had a car, I looked out across the river. Waterbugs skidded across the surface, their black bodies like seeds floating on water. Brown cattails bent toward the water. Any other time I might have gone exploring to find something interesting to show Mary Roberts, but today, all I wanted was to go home.

  This morning, as we left, I saw that Daddy hadn’t cleaned up the pansies in the kitchen. He said he’d fed Mama, but I wanted to see with my own eyes that she was clean and had eaten her food. If she heard the baby cry again, she might try to go to the cellar to get him. After one of the shots, she doesn’t walk so steady, and might fall.

  I shoved the last bit of sandwich into my mouth. “Let’s go, Daddy,” I said, my mouth still partially full of food.

  “We’ve got more time, Ellie. Don’t worry,” Daddy said.

  I lifted Jellybean out of my purse so he could walk around the flat rocks. He chirped and fluttered his baby wings. “You love the sun, don’t you Jellybean?” I stroked his head with my finger. His green color was fading now, as it always does when chicks grow.

  Tess held out a bit of her pie for Jellybean. He stumbled over the rocks to reach the treat, nibbling one piece, then another. When the crumbs were all gone, he climbed into her hand. Tess laughed. “You greedy boy.” She stood up and walked with him toward the river. If Daddy hadn’t been there, I would have reached out and taken back my little chick. I didn’t want Tess to hold anything that belonged to me.

  Trying to ignore her, I gathered up the empty Coke bottles and paper wrappers, and then put them inside the brown bag. This was the first car we had owned in a long time, and I didn’t want it to get dirty.

  Daddy swigged the last of his Coke, then called to Tess. “Don’t go too close to the edge. I don’t want to end up fishing you out of the river.”

  Tess blew Daddy a kiss and shook her behind in his direction to make him laugh. She took a few more steps, then yelled, lifting her right foot suddenly, as if she’d stepped on something sharp. She tottered, her arms spread away from her body to help her gain her balance.

  I watched Tess’s hand open and my chick fall.

  His small body hit the dark rock, slid into the river, and was gone.

  TWENTY-TWO

  DROWNING

  JELLYBEAN’S PALE GREEN HEAD surfaced, then disappeared again as he bobbed like a rubber bath toy in the swirling water.

  Daddy yanked off his boots and socks and jumped into the river. His arms made large arcs in the river, but he couldn’t keep up against the swift current. Like a seed or leaf tossed into wind, Jellybean’s small body followed the water’s flow.

  Tess ran along the edge of the bank. “Please hurry, Rupert, please!” She dug her fingers into her short hair.

  At first, I didn’t do anything: didn’t cry, or scream, or run along the bank. I felt numb, like a thousand bees had stung me all at once. Inside my head, I heard the blood hum in my veins. Then the humming in my head swirled and broke into a gushing noise. My knees trembled, and I stumbled forward, taking a few small steps before I broke into a run. I headed up the hill, toward the woods.

  Stumps and fallen branches slowed me. I brushed against pine needles, scratching my arms and legs. I thought of Hansel and Gretel and the bread crumbs they scattered so someone could find them. It didn’t matter that I had no bread crumbs. I didn’t want to be found.

  The woods, however, were not deep, and I quickly came out the other side and found myself back at the water’s edge, at a point where the river made a bend. Too tired to return, too numb to turn in a different direction, I ran down the sloped bank, slick with mud, then waded into the water.

  Without thinking, I kept moving, going out further, letting the water take me. I wanted to be carried to some other place. Any other place. Not here.

  Face down in the river, I let myself float like a piece of driftwood. Everything was cloudy, dreamy, and not quite real, just like a slow-motion movie. There were no sounds at all, and yet voices filled my head. Hymns, poems, and chanted words I couldn’t understand. I didn’t even recognize the voices, but somehow that didn’t seem strange to me.

  For the first time in days, I didn’t feel afraid anymore. Here, there were no dead babies, tomato girls, or sick mothers. In the river, I could float myself to sleep.

  Behind closed eyes, my mind drifted. I could hear voices, but the loudest noise was the water, roaring as it filled my body, pulling me down.

  I don’t remember Daddy lifting me from the river. I don’t remember his large hands holding onto me so tight I would find bruises on my arms two days later. My body on the bank, spitting up water and coughing—I do remember that—and Daddy’s mouth over mine, blowing breath into me. Tess stood or knelt somewhere to my side, crying, “Breathe, Ellie, breathe.”

  The blue sky came back to me in pieces, like a jigsaw puzzle, then the green undersides of leaves, and my father’s face.

  I hurt all over. My arms and legs ached, and deep inside, my lungs and throat felt raw.

  I coughed again and tried to swallow. “Jellybean is dead,” I said.

  Daddy nodded. He already knew, of course. I just needed to say it. Words made it real. Words made sure I couldn’t pretend it was another way. Make-believe is a dangerous game. I’d learned that from watching Mama.

  “I didn’t mean for it to happen, Ellie. I stepped on broken glass, and
lost my balance. I am so sorry. Oh, please forgive me.” Tess spoke between sobs. She showed her bleeding foot as proof.

  What could I say? As awful as Tess could be, I knew she’d loved Jellybean, too. She hadn’t dropped him on purpose. But my little chick was dead, and he was all I had. Mama had secret worlds inside her mind and Daddy had Tess. Jellybean had been mine. Now he was gone.

  Anger rose in me like a serpent’s head, and I spat words at Tess. “You should’ve been more careful. When you’re holding something that belongs to someone else, you don’t take chances.”

  On the ride home, I curled up on Daddy’s lap while Tess drove. I moved in and out of sleep. I felt cold, even with Daddy’s shirt wrapped around me.

  My stomach churned with a sick feeling, but I was too weak to cough up more water. Too numb to cry, I buried my face in my father’s neck and tried to remember to breathe.

  BACK HOME, DADDY told Mama to stay away. “I’m not going to let you upset her, Julia. Ellie needs rest.”

  Mama leaned against the wall, rubbing the sides of her head. She hadn’t bathed while we were gone. She wore the same dirty nightgown and hadn’t combed her hair. Around her neck, she’d tied the pale, blonde braid made from Tess’s hair. When she saw me in Daddy’s arms, she yelled at Tess, “What did you do, you whore? What did you do to my child?”

  “Just keep walking,” Daddy told Tess.

  With me in his arms, Daddy followed Tess upstairs. Mama trailed behind us, her voice shaking. “You tell me what she did! Rupert, tell me!”

  Daddy didn’t answer as he kept walking.

  Over his shoulder, I saw Mama, her face tight, her lips drawn inward. As she came up behind Daddy, she tripped on the hem of her gown and fell. Mama groaned, and then began to sob. I squirmed in Daddy’s arms. The sound of Mama crying called to me. Even though I felt weak and numb, I needed to go to her.

  Daddy held me. “No, Ellie, don’t fight.”

  His firm hands and voice stilled me.

  Tess started back down the stairs as if to help, but Daddy wouldn’t let her. That seemed cruel at the time, but maybe Daddy knew that would be worse. The wrong person’s touch when you are hurting can set loose something wild inside you. I’d seen times when my father had walked around Mama, careful not to touch her until she calmed down.