Becoming A Son

by David Labrava

  “BEAT IT!” I yelled.

  “YOU BEAT IT!” She yelled back.

  We were face to face. Brave little girl all eighty pounds of her. Dope will give you nerve you never thought you had. Dimebag stepped up.

  “Woah woah woah. Wait a second honey hold up. Hey man who the hell you think you are? The Mayor or something? She wants to get high that’s her business.”

  “She’s pregnant.” I said.

  “I can see that man. If she don’t care why should I? Come here Darling. How much you need?”

  I had exactly as much of this sleaze bag that I could take. I blasted him with a right. I was amazed he was still standing. I grabbed him by his coat. Tommy stood up right next to me about to rifle Dimebag’s pockets.

  “Let him go.” Fatman said with authority.

  Fatman stood up off his car.

  “Let him go why? Cause your Big?” I asked him while I held onto Dimebag.

  “Nah cuz I got a neener. Let him go Holmes.”

  Fatman lifted up his jacket to reveal a nine millimeter Pistol.

  Soon as I saw the gun I let him go. All the junkies took off running in every direction. No one wants to get shot.

  “You’re done man. I aint serving you.” Dimebag said. He was very pissed off.

  “Yeah you are. GIMME SIX FOR FIVE.” I said.

  “NOW, ME TOO.” Tommy said.

  Dimebag looked at Fatman who nodded yes, do it.

  “Ok You want six for five? Give me the money.” I handed my five twenties and took my six balloons. Tommy did the same. I turned to Tommy’s car.

  “Gimme a ride?”

  “Yeah.”

  I turned back to Dimebag.

  “Better not serve that girl.”

  “Hurry home to your little junkie girl scumbag. You’re just another one of the junkies now.”

  If I wasn’t in a rush I would have run back and blasted him again. That and the fact that Fatman would have shot me prevented me from doing that.

  Tommy dropped me off right in front of my place.

  I hit those stairs climbing them three at a time and making a hell of a racket. I am sure Stacey heard me coming up the stairs cause when I walked in she was putting cups of water on the table. That’s how we started our day every day. Her putting the water on the table saying ‘Good Morning’ very sarcastically cause we were so screwed up and it was always anything but a good morning.

  “Good morning.”

  “It’s about to be.” I said as I threw the balloons on the table. Stacey ripped into one and put it in the spoon. She added water and looked at the spoon a little perplexed. She then lit a lighter underneath it and got a look of complete horror on her face.

  “Its Fake. David IT’S FAKE.”

  I stuck my finger in the spoon and tasted it. Sugar. Nothing but sugar.

  “That piece of shit is DEAD.”

  Stacey immediately fell into a fetal position on the floor. I got up and grabbed a pistol I had. It really was a piece of shit. A beat up Saturday night special that I got for fifty bucks. I turned back and Stacey was holding her sides rocking back and forth.

  “What are we gonna do? That was all our money. I’m sick. What are we gonna do?”

  Stacey was going into panic mode. I had to calm her down. I put the gun on the table and sat on the floor next to her.

  “It’s gonna be ok.”

  “What are you gonna do?”

  “I’m gonna fix it.”

  “How? How you gonna fix it? Lets just stop. We can stop.”

  That was bullshit. There is no way two junkies living together can stop.

  “You now I can’t let him get away with this.” I said. I meant it. It was the principal of the thing. I’m not getting ripped of by anyone.

  Stacey went into complete hysteria.

  “What if some thing happens? What if you get busted? Or Killed.”

  “No ones getting killed.”

  “I’ve got a bad feeling.”

  “A bad feeling like what.”

  She didn’t want to say it. I looked her in the eye.

  “Like I might not see you again.”

  “That’s not gonna happen.”

  “Remember what the Santeria lady said at the bodega?”

  “The Santeria lady at the bodega is insane.”

  “No she’s not. She can see shit.”

  “Tell me one thing that lady said was gonna happen, that really happened.”

  “What about Mario?” Stacey asked.

  “What about Mario?”

  “She said he was gonna die at that reading.”

  “Predicting some junkie is going to die is NOT predicting the future.”

  I held her in my arms and rocked her till she sort of relaxed.

  “I gotta go.” I said real quietly. She nodded yes and I grabbed her stuffed bear, Mr. Bugsy.

  “Hold onto Mr. Bugsy till I get back.” She took the bear and curled up on the floor. I grabbed the pistol and went out the door.

  I hit the stairs hard banging down every flight, kicked the front door open and hit the street running. The anxiety and desperation had taken me over. I was running on pure adrenalin. I turned the corner and Dimebag was a few blocks over still selling dope. It took him a minute to see me then he took off running and jumped in his car and peeled out. I chased him but there was no way I was going to catch him on foot. I still kept running. There was nothing else to do.

  I ran for about six blocks. I had an idea where he might be going. I stopped to catch my breath and I heard Tommys car. AWESOME.

  “Get in.” Tommy said as he opened the door for me.

  I jumped in Tommys car and he peeled out.

  “Son of a bitch sold me sugar.”

  “Me too.” I was out of breath from running. “You know where he’s going?”

  “I got a good idea. Daytime spot just opened.”

  “Let’s get this skizazz.”

  Tommy floored it. He was pissed. No one likes getting burned. Especially when you got a habit.

  He pulled up to a spot that I had only been to a few times. I stopped going there because I had robbed a few junkies here in the past and I didn’t want to keep going there.

  “This is where he goes when the Dominicans are out. I called them and they wont serve him now so he will have to come here. You know he has to re up.”

  “Yes he does.” I said.

  “You been here before?” Tommy asked me.

  “Yeah. A long time ago.”

  “Theres a hole in the wall over there. You go wait in that and I will wait here. He’s got to come out one of these tow ways.”

  “Coo.”

  I got out of the car and Tommy slowly went around the block. About ten feet from the door way was hole in the wall that one man could fit in. I got in there and waited. I sat and thought about how far gone I was, how far my little girl was. Just two hoping to die dope fiends that have no hope of getting out of this situation together, not alive anyway. It’s like ping pong. Whenever I wanted to quit Stacey wanted to get high, or the other way around.

  Just when I was about to give up and go find Tommy, Dimebag pulled up. I watched him get out of his car and talk to the guy at the door who let him slip right inside, must be dealer courtesy.

  In about six minutes Dimebag walked out of the door and slipped the doorman some bills and started walking my way. Soon as he reached me I jumped out of the hole in the wall and blasted him hard as I could in the face. He went to the ground dazed and I jumped on him and started rifling his pockets. There were some junkies on the street but no one got involved. No one ever gets involved.

  “What is wrong with you? You are so screwed up.” Dimebag said.

  “I’M SCREWED UP? YOU’RE SCREWED UP. YOU RIP ME OFF?”

  “YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HIT ME.”

  I kept rifling Dimebags pockets and grabbed his bindles and a wad of cash. He punched me in the face twice and I stared bleeding from my mouth and nose. Dimebag outw
eighed me by a hundred pounds but I was on top..

  “YOU KNOW WHAT?”

  I took out my gun and put it to his head. Dimebag froze.

  “You sure you wanna do that?” He said.

  I hesitated a moment then took the gun and put the muzzle against his thigh and shot it grazing him. He used to be my friend so I didn’t want to kill him, I just didn’t want him chasing me.

  Tommy came screeching up to where we were. A crowd was starting to gather to watch the action.

  “COME ON BROTHER. WE GOTTA GO. COPS WILL BE HERE.”

  “YOU’RE DONE. FINISHED. IF YOU THINK YOU ARE GETTING AWAY WITH THIS YOU’RE NOT.”

  Tommy revved the engine and opened my door.

  I jumped off Dimebag and left him laying there. I had his dope and his money. Three bindles of ten packets each and five hundred dollars in twenties.

  I could hear sirens approaching in the distance.

  “TIME TO GO BROTHER.” Tommy revved the engine again.

  I stayed low and jumped into Tommy’s car and he peeled off. I gave Tommy one of the bindles and kept two.

  “That was close.”

  “Too close. Drop me off a few blocks from my house. I’ll walk the rest. Come in the back way.”

  I figured the best thing was to get out of Tommys car and let him get home. I would go around the back of the building and come up the fire escape. Tommy pulled over. We both looked all around.

  “Careful with that shit D. Now it’s straight from the source. Dimebag would have stepped on three times. I don’t wanna go to your funeral.”

  I started to get out and stopped and looked back at Tommy.

  “Thanks Brother. You saved the day.” Tommy nodded and I jumped out of the car and hoofed it back to my house, looking all around the whole way, paranoid as hell. I got to the back of the building and climbed up the fires escape and crawled in the window.

  Stacey was asleep on the floor exactly where I left her. I nudged her shoulder and she woke up.

  “D? You’re back?”

  “Told you I’d be back.”

  “How’d it go?”

  “Piece of cake.” I helped her off the floor and put the bindles on the table. She ripped into one and started fixing. I put my gun back in the dresser and sat down to fix.

  “I saw Dimebag.” I said.

  “Hows he doing.”

  “I don’t know. Ok I guess. He’s got a limp now.” Stacey didn’t need to know all the details. She put a filter in her spoon and drew up about sixty cc’s into her syringe. I watched her fix in a rush like a little fiend and I felt so sad. We had become two monsters. I became a real junkie in that New York City apartment. Sometimes we wouldn’t eat or shit for weeks. You don’t have to when you are on a liquid diet. I didn’t know it then, but that apartment was the last time I paid rent or lived in doors for a few years.

  Stacey couldn’t find a vein. She kept poking herself over and over in frustration.

  “You’re not getting it.” I put my hands on hers to slow her down. She pulled the needle out and held it up.

  “Help me.”

  I took the syringe and grabbed her arm. She was so skinny I could her whole bicep in my hand and squeeze it hard enough. I stuck the needle in and got a vein pretty quickly. I let her go and she backed up and gently took the needle from me.

  “Go slow. Feel it first. It’s probably stronger than usual.” I said.

  Stacey slowly pushed in the syringe full of dope. She leaned back in her chair and her eyes rolled up in her head and she fell off the chair hitting the ground with a thud.

  “Stacey?”

  I immediately starting to do what I thought was CPR, which was all out of synch and not how it’s done I’m sure. I started blowing air in her, slapping her and she wouldn’t move. I listened for a heart beat and I couldn’t hear anything. I jumped up and got some ice from the fridge and put it in her pajamas. My brain started imagining how I was going to get out of this. A million thoughts a second are flying through my head all screaming that I have to save her. I started shaking her violently, stopping to blow air in her mouth, push on her chest, then shake her some more. Right when I thought I lost her, she opened her eyes and caught breath. I was overcome with joy and hugged her hard. She was way out of it from doing such a big hit.

  “You’re hurting me.” She said in a daze.

  I let her go and helped her into the chair.

  “Why am I all wet?”

  “You O D’d. I thought you were dead. I put ice on you to wake you up.”

  “What are we gonna do David? We’re fucked up bad.” She said as she started to cry.

  “We’re gonna kick this shit. You’ll see. We can do it.” I lied.

  But we couldn’t do it. Not together anyway. Shortly after that I came home one day from running around all day and there was a note from Stacey. As soon as I got inside I knew she had left. All her stuff was gone. I walked over and picked up the note and read it:

  David

  Listen I really really love you but I just can’t do this anymore. My Aunt came to get me and she is taking me to a rehab up state. Don’t try to contact me my family won’t let you anyway. There is a few days left on the rent for this month but then my cousins will show up to throw you out. So you got to leave by the first.

  Don’t be mad. I love you. We just can’t get out of this together. You know I’m right.

  Love Stacey

  Stacey was right and I knew it.

  I sat down like I had the wind kicked out of me. I looked around and saw that I didn’t really have any possessions. Just some ratty clothes and my works, which I threw in a bag. I took one last look around and left. I didn’t have a clue where I was going, I just knew I couldn’t stay there. I headed to the Greyhound bus station and left New York that night. I called a girl in Miami I used to get high with named Jeannie. She was still getting high and had a place I could crash in. For forty eight dollars I took the next Greyhound South. I only thought about getting high. It was kind of scary.

  I was at the beginning of a very long, very hard journey. I just didn’t know how it was going to end.

  36

  I had been riding the bus for about eight hours and had been in the bathroom ten times to fix dope. I left NYC with a good bit of China White and I was going to try to make it last all the way to Florida. Lucky for me the bus was not crowded and most of the folks were sitting near the front. The bus driver kept looking in his rear view mirror and giving me stink eye every time I got out of the bathroom. I rubbed my stomach and made it look like I was sick, but I am sure he didn’t believe that.

  I was calling Jeannie from a pay phone at almost every stop. It was a local bus so it made a hell of a lot of stops. She was excited for me to come back and I was excited to be there. I had absolutely nothing except a habit, the clothes on my back, what was in my bag and about $468 dollars. I figured I would get home, shack up with Jeannie and regroup.

  The bus drove all night and in the morning we pulled into the station in Norfolk Virginia and the driver stood up and faced the passengers.

  “Meal stop. Two hours. Be back or I’ll leave with out you.” He then stood at the door on the sidewalk helping every one out. I was the last one out. I looked like hell.

  “You ok?”

  “Yes Sir.” Older guys always like being called Sir. Makes them feel important.

  “You been in and out of the bathroom the whole ride. You sure you’re ok.” He eyed me suspiciously.

  “Yes SIR.” I said as I high tailed it out of there. I went over to the bathroom in the station, went in a stall and shot up in there. I came out feeling all right and I found a pay phone to call Jeannie. It rang a lot. She usually picked it up quick. Just as I was about to hang up I heard someone answer.

  “Hello?”

  It was Jeannie’s mom. I INSTANTLY knew the jig is up.

  “Hello Mrs. Walker. This is David, DL, remember me? Is Jeannie there?”

  “Yes I rem
ember you and no she is not here.”

  “Do you know where she is or when she is getting back?”

  Yes I do. Jeannie went to rehab this morning.”

  “Why would she do that?” I played dumb.

  “All the drug use DL. All the lying DL. I put her in there myself. And she won’t be back too soon. I know you are on the way here and I am taking the time to tell you there is nowhere to come to. God Bless you DL and good luck.” She hung up the phone and heard a dial tone. I

  looked out into the station and there were people everywhere starting their day. The newspaper stand was opening, janitors were mopping the floors, business as usual.

  I looked around and felt absolutely alone in the world. I was at a crossroads again in my life, one of many with nothing but a dope habit.

  I walked over to the map on the wall and looked at exactly where I was. I was right near I-40 which cuts across the middle of the country. I-10 runs through Texas which I had already done a few times already in my life. I didn’t have enough dope to get to California, not with the habit I had. But now there was nowhere to go in Florida. A lot of my friends and family were there who had not seen my demise so I made a decision to get on a different bus and head West.

  I had no idea what I would do when I got there. I figured I would take smaller hits and make the dope I had last for the journey. From where I was it was going to take another two days and nights to get to California.

  One thing for sure, Heroin was very rare in Florida. I never saw it growing up. That was another reason I didn’t continue on to Florida. Heroin was good and readily available on the West Coast so that’s where I went. The pull of dope is that strong. Strong enough to change any plans as long as it has a hold on you. It had a hold on me.

  I changed my ticket and two hours later I was on a different bus heading back to ‘Points West’.

  37

  I was in the last three seats of the bus as it pulled into a station. It came to a jarring stop.

  “Breakfast stop….two hours.” The driver told everyone on the bus. I looked out the window at the town we had just pulled into and there wasn’t a lot going on. I got up and walked off the bus, as usual I was the last one getting off. The driver was used to this.