Surely, together we could solve this puzzle if we were only brave enough to trust each other. Meanwhile, we will stare at the ceiling, write notes, and pace in darkened rooms, waiting until the pieces clatter to our feet and the world changes forever.
I finally fall asleep with one thought circling my head – no matter what has happened over the last week, I have always been right.
I cannot trust Lexan.
ELEVEN
How to love an Aries woman: the Aries woman is dynamic and independent, and expects to be an equal in everything. Because of this, you must also expect to receive what you give.
If you are honest and faithful, she will be the same.
If you are deceitful and neglectful, she will be the same.
From Understanding Your Horoscope
Head Minister Charles, year 2073
My appointment with Healer Gloran is as awkward and painful as I have imagined, thanks to Isa’s description and Father’s strange warnings. She pronounces me fit to have children as soon as I complete the Partnering Ceremony in a year. She seems very happy about this, and I bite my lips so as not to say anything rude. Like I told Mother, Lexan is never getting near enough for the possibility of children. A sentiment that was drawn in his future blood after what I learned last night.
As Gloran continues to check my body for any signs of illness or abnormality, feeling the fresh cut on my shoulder for infection, I think of all the times Lexan might have been using his special powers on me. Father said something about it happening when Lexan looked into his eyes, and I remember how his eyes have always seemed like deep pools to me: dreaming, waiting pools I could lose myself in. Losing myself is suddenly a much scarier reality here in the healer’s office – I won’t be able to avoid Lexan’s eyes forever.
“Astrea, did you hear me?”
“I’m sorry, no. I was…daydreaming, I guess.” More like waking nightmares.
“I asked if you had any other questions for me. We’re about done here. Have you noticed any other changes in your body that you’d like to talk about? Have people been treating you differently?”
“Well, a few of the boys have certainly been paying me more attention lately,” I grin, playing the self-indulgent girl to avoid her questions.
“And what effect do you have on these boys?” She is leafing through her papers, but I can tell she is listening closely.
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Well, does it seem like you can get them to do what you want? Pretty girls do tend to have quite a power over boys…”
Father was right. She is asking the same question he did, just in a different way. I wonder if she will be reporting our conversation back to Keirna. Brenn’s cautions drift into my head – I need to be careful how I answer this casual little interrogation.
“Yes, now that you mention it, I feel like I make them excited, you know – happy and fun-loving and…dynamic, I guess. Like when I go to a boring gathering, it gets more exciting when I start talking and laughing with people – they seem to have more fun.”
Although definitely an Arien trait, the ability to liven up a party is not very threatening. Certainly not like charming people into a whole other way of thinking. Surely Father wouldn’t tell Keirna about Lexan’s ability. Then again, perhaps I need to say something to him.
“I’d say that sounds like a true Arien to me,” Gloran laughs, making a few notes in my folder. “Good luck on Choosing Day, Astrea. Hopefully I will see you again soon, maybe a few months after you’re partnered!”
Thankfully, the appointment is over, and I no longer have to think about babies, or how they’re made, or weird special powers. In fact, I’m left with a rare free day: healer appointments excuse us from all classes and training. I should probably go home and catch up on my sleep.
As I walk into the empty kitchen, though, I realize that if I hurry, I can slip into my secret room before the next ministry begins. I hastily gather lunch for Stian and myself, pausing only to comb my curls free from their regular braid. I lock the door behind me, trying not to think about how my hair looks.
I remind myself that I have a lot of questions – Stian is my only source of information on the outside world. I need to earn his trust today.
“Hey. I wasn’t sure if you’d come back.” Stian looks very relieved when I step from the shadows. He has five candles burning and is using his knife to carve arrows. He has also spread belongings around the small room. I see a clean shirt draped over a rock to dry. He grins easily at me.
Suddenly, I find I’m not ready to jump right into our serious conversation from last night. “Where did you get that wood?” I begin to spread the lunch on the floor, and he eyes each item with interest.
“Right outside. Forest…remember? My foot is finally well enough to make the climb back in, so I went out this morning as soon as it was light. Found these too.” He adds to our lunch, his fingers brushing mine as he hands me a small pile of short green stalks. “Try one – they’re perfect.”
I bite tentatively into one, not expecting much, but the flavor is intense, alive – I feel as though I’m eating sunlight and fresh air and water, trapped right inside the cells of this succulent plant. “This is amazing. We have plenty of vegetables, but this flavor is worlds away!”
“Literally!” He’s laughing at me now, and I flush a little. I don’t like feeling ignorant or naïve. “We call this asparagus. You can only find it this time of year. There’s nothing like sweet sunshine, wind, and fresh rain – I mean, you guys have stuff to eat here, but it’s nothing like what I grew up with.”
“That sure hasn’t stopped you from finishing everything I bring.”
“Hey, a beggar can’t be a chooser. But Tre, if you went outside this cave, you would never want back in.”
I don’t respond, reflecting on how I like the sound of my name, spoken casually in his loose, easy accent. I’m actually enjoying our relaxed conversation today. I study him in small glances while we eat the bread, fruit, and cheese I’ve brought. He looks so different from the boys of Asphodel – it’s not just the lack of implants or the strange, fitted clothing with so many pockets.
He looks…rugged. Resilient. As though he’s had to fight for some things in his life, and it’s made life a little sweeter, more valuable. There’s a quiet, aggressive determination in his movements, as though he knows there are difficulties ahead, and he’s almost looking forward to them, because there’s a chance of challenge, an opportunity for victory. I smile ruefully to myself at this thought – I’m probably just projecting my own heart onto his.
His dark untrimmed hair falls in his eyes as he works on another arrow, and he brushes it away, pausing to bring his cup to his lips. His eyes catch mine watching him, catch my smile, and one corner of his mouth turns up in answer. I can feel a rosy glow creeping into my cheeks again, but not from anger. His ease makes me nervous. I came here today with the intention of earning his trust, yet he seems already completely comfortable around me, and I’m not sure why.
I wonder again what he wants from Asphodel – he can’t have truly believed he would just walk into the city and find a new home? Then again, maybe that’s how things work when there are many cities. Maybe people on the outside really do choose everything about their lives.
My heart forgets to beat at the thought of so much freedom.
“How’s your shoulder?” His tone shows concern, but he also seems a bit sheepish. “I was never planning to actually hurt you. I had no idea you’d fight back like a wildcat.”
My hand moves to touch the cut, but I quickly stop it and smile.
“It’s nothing. I actually got medicine for it today.” This morning the healer had given me pain medicine, which I didn’t take, the wound already nothing but a scab. “I should have brought something for your foot last time.”
He grins. “It’s better, too. I fell and slipped on some jagged rocks trying to find this entrance. It was stupid – I should have been
wearing my boots.”
He leans back on his elbows, stretching his frame so that his toes touch the edge of the water, his face tipping toward the ceiling.
“If I have to be injured, this seems like a good place to recover. Solid shelter, plenty of water, a pretty girl who feeds me…it’s a little cold, but all in all, not bad.”
I stare at my fingers, fiddling with the crusts of my bread. The word pretty fixes in my mind, and although I don’t want to be flattered, I am. I hope he’s not just trying to charm me, like both Pallis and Lexan have tried recently. I’m not sure my heart could take more trickery right now.
“What sign are you?” I ask him, changing the topic, hoping to figure out his personality a little more.
“What do you mean?”
“Your zodiac. Your sun sign? I'm an Aries.”
“No idea,” he says, rolling to one side so he faces me, still propped on an arm.
“Well, when is your birthday?”
“Sometime in late autumn, before the snow. We don’t really keep track.”
“Don’t keep track?” I can’t help but laugh. “Our Head Minister would die! We worship the sun and the planets. We do everything according to our sign and our birthday – vocations, partners, everything!”
“Well, where I'm from, we put more stock in a name and an action than a birthday. You can’t choose when you’re born, but you can choose what you do after that. But mothers and fathers do select a name based on their hopes for their children. Names that mean things like strength, beauty, intelligence. Or star.”
I choose to ignore the pointed reference to my name, not sure I want to know how he knows, or if the prophecy about me somehow exists outside the cave too. “What does Stian mean?”
He’s silent long enough that I stop expecting him to answer. Maybe I’ve asked something too personal.
“Wanderer.” With that, he sits and turns sharply, his back to me like another stone wall. He looks to be choosing another branch from the pile, but I can sense that he’s upset. I assume that asking another question would anger him, so I wait silently. I wonder what kind of parents hope their child will wander the world his whole life? What kind of people would value this quality?
I busy myself cleaning the floor of our crumbs, and soon he turns back to me, knife at work again.
“So tell me more about your life here,” he suggests, his voice casual.
“Well, like I said, we base everything off our zodiac. When we turn sixteen, we choose a vocation. We have Leaders, protectors, teachers, entertainers, growers, and producers. But we can only choose from two. Since I'm an Aries, I could have chosen Leader or protector. But I fall in a special category. I was born on the Spring Equinox.”
“I’ve heard that word before. It’s an old idea – hundreds of years, I think. The Equinox is when the day and night are the same length, right?”
“Right. It’s our most holy day, signifying balance. Our ceremonies always take place on that day. But since that’s my birthday, I don’t get a choice in vocation. I’m required to take the role of First Leader, taking the place of our current one.”
“Doesn’t that mean a lot of change-ups in Leaders?”
“Actually, no. We’ve only had three First Leaders. Lakessa, who started Asphodel, then Firene, and now Keirna. I’ll be the fourth.” If I get that far.
“But don’t people try to have a baby on that day, so their child can be a Leader?”
“No! Planning a child’s birth is absolutely forbidden – it’s one of our most sacred laws. If a child were born under the wrong sign because of something their parents did, that person would be confused and unhappy their whole life!” I’m reciting my lessons, but my parents’ secrets dance through my mind.
“I don’t know – that sounds like a bunch of shit to me. How can you be born under the wrong sign? You’re born when you’re born, right? Is your sign predestined or something?”
I consider his question, thinking of how I asked Renata a similar one. We’re taught that a woman should never force labor early or delay birth to reach a certain day. But predestination isn’t really part of our ministry either. I decide to keep talking so I don’t have to think about it.
“We also choose our partners by our signs.”
“Partners?”
“A man and woman who live together, have children?”
“Oh. We call that marriage, but we pick whoever we want. Or nobody. Or pick one and then leave them and pick another.” He laughs at my scandalized look. “I guess here in Asphodel, everyone always stays together and is always happy?”
“Well, yeah. I guess people aren’t as happy in the Tribes?”
“Guess it depends on your definition of happy, Tre.”
He seems determined to make me think. I keep talking, hoping to distract myself again. “So. As an Aries, I could partner with a Sagittarius or Gemini. But again, the special birthday. My partner is chosen for me, because he was born on the Autumn Equinox, in the same year. We have a law, a prophecy really, that makes us partners.”
Stian is staring directly at me now, his carving paused, knife forgotten, and I’m getting a little uncomfortable under the weight of his eyes. “What?”
“Um. Nothing, sorry.” He blinks and puts the knife back to work. “I guess I was just shocked that you’re already thinking about marriage. Aren’t you a little young for that?”
I narrow my eyes at him. For some reason, I don’t like the idea that he thinks I’m too young for anything. “I’ll be seventeen on Choosing Day. That’s when everyone chooses a partner. Then a year later, we have the Partnering Ceremony, and that’s it.” He’s still looking at me strangely.
“So, married, job, all at the same time? Officially an adult, all in one day?”
“Something like that.”
“Sounds fucking stupid. Married at eighteen? Not for me.”
I bite back a grimace at his older language, so much harsher-sounding than my own mild cursing. “Well, what does your Tribe make you do?”
“Nothing,” he grins widely. “Nobody makes me do anything!” With that, he leans back again, hands behind his head, staring into the nothingness at the top of the room.
“I guess it must be nice. Being able to make all your own choices.” I know I sound a little bitter.
“Of course it’s nice. It’s the only way people are supposed to live, Tre.” He raises up enough to catch my eye. “We’re not supposed to be bound by a birthday, or a name, or even another person. We should be free.”
I look away and pick up one of his arrows, testing its strength and flexibility, gauging how straight it is. I’m impressed by his work, intrigued by his thoughts. After a few minutes I realize he’s watching me with unguarded curiosity again, and I feel my chest grow tight under his direct gaze. Why do his wide green eyes make me feel so nervous?
I feel like he can see right through me – as though he hears the thoughts I don’t speak, and dismisses the small untruths I tell. Not judging, merely sifting, looking for the truth inside of me.
I think, unexpectedly, that I could learn to trust him. I know that I desperately need someone to help me sort through this mess of information and misinformation. Perhaps someone from the outside could help me see the truths I’m looking for. Someone who’s not afraid of Keirna, if only because he doesn’t know about her.
“So what about your future partner? How does he feel about all of this?”
I roll my eyes, and Stian watches the gesture but doesn’t comment. “Lexan? He’s…well, I think he’s looking forward to it.”
Stian’s sudden, consuming laughter takes me by surprise – I haven’t meant to be funny.
“I’m sure he is looking forward to being your husband, and what I know that means, in any city.” He catches his breath, his eyes glinting at me. “Tre, I imagine quite a few of the boys, maybe even the men in Asphodel would happily take his place in your…life.”
I know my face is red now – I also know he
doesn’t mean life, and I resent that he’s teasing me. “That’s not what I meant! I only meant that it’s a constant stress for him too, feeling this buildup, knowing something is coming that you can’t control…oh, just shut up!” I give up, an unwanted smile threatening my earnestness in the midst of Stian’s continuing laughter. He twists my words in ways I’m not used to, and I’m suddenly feeling very young and very silly.
Abruptly, something in me snaps, breaking my embarrassment into splinters that anger lights on fire. “If you really want to know, I absolutely hate Lexan – I wish I never had to see him again! I would love to be able to make my own choices and be free like you, wandering all over the world, doing as I please, loving whoever I want. But some of us were born with responsibilities we can’t escape!”
I’m furious – angrier than I’ve ever been at Lexan – all of my frustration and helplessness of the past years coming to a point of eruption. But then, as I stare him down, I notice a subtle change come over Stian. His eyes hold mine without breaking, but they begin to look distant and blank...as though he is…losing himself in my gaze. His body moves toward mine slowly, as if drawn through water. His fingers reach out, then hover in front of me, wanting to touch my skin, but not daring. The water stops lapping at our feet. My breath lingers in its forgotten ribcage.
I feel suddenly strong, powerful, and not at all like a silly young girl.
Realizing what might be happening, I shift closer, not blinking, and begin my experiment by focusing on a single, small image. Touch me, I think at him.
In answer, his fingers grasp a strand of my hair that has fallen over my cheek, moving it back, exposing my diamonds. As his hand brushes my skin, it pauses there, the pads of his fingers held to my temple by a strange magnetic current.
I blink, startling as my stomach thrills in anticipation, and his hand falls.
Starbright: The Complete Series Page 10