He blinks his eyes rapidly, seeming confused. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have…”
“It’s okay. They’re implants.” I allow him this exit, realizing with a sharp pleasure that he did exactly what I thought of him doing; I seem to have used my special power, although I’m not really sure to what effect.
He looks at me curiously, as though just noticing the diamonds, and I know he was never looking for them in the first place. He glances down at his hand, palm up on the rock.
“We all have these implants. We get them when we’re eleven. The pattern shows that I’m an Aries – it looks like the stars in the constellation. But only mine and Lexan’s are diamonds. First Leader and her partner.” I’m rambling, trying to give him a few seconds to recover from what I’ve done to him.
He looks up sharply. “Why don’t you just say no?”
“No?”
“Refuse to marry him.”
“That’s…that’s not how it works here.” It’s not like I haven’t thought about it, but it’s never happened before. I would be laughed at, then made to do it anyways.
“Then leave. Come with me!” He glares at me, then looks away, as though embarrassed at himself.
My heart stutters at the possibilities of his world, but I shake my head. “You know I can’t. I have things here, things you don’t even know about yet.”
“But if you stay, you’ll have to be the Leader. And partner with someone you don’t love. How can you live with that?” He’s quieter, but his voice is still insistent that this is a possibility. In his mind, a real choice.
How can I explain it to him? To myself? “Before I knew there was a whole world out there, I would’ve given anything to escape. Now that the doorway is open, I can only see that my duty lies here, with the future of Asphodel. I can’t be that selfish anymore.”
“Sometimes you have to be selfish to find out who you really are.”
His words stun me into silence; I’ve felt this a thousand times, but I’ve never been allowed to voice such a desire. People of Asphodel simply aren’t like this. There is no room in a cave city for selfish sentiment.
The silence builds between us until it becomes an awkward wall, and I’d do nearly anything to knock it down.
“I think you're a Sagittarius,” I smile, hitting upon the idea suddenly. I’m not quite able to let go of the idea that I need to know his sun sign. “It would be the right time of year, and you’re definitely an adventurer.”
“Why do you keep trying to categorize me? Isn't that where all your problems started, with a little box that each of you has to fit into? Quit trying to use some magic zodiac formula,” he grins teasingly at me.
I force myself not to think about his smile while I stare at him, realizing he is exactly right about me. As much as I lament the limitations of my own birthright, here it is. I want a name for him, want a list of characteristics he will likely display so I’ll know what to expect from him. Not knowing what he might do, or say, or how he might react is the most disturbing thing I’ve ever felt.
“Don’t forget about me,” he says later as I head toward the passage, his eyes sliding down my face, pausing at my lips.
“Don’t disappear,” I return, telling myself I didn’t notice.
I pause in the Common Area, hoping again to reconnect with Isa. She’s there with Dalen, but I’m pleased when she actually pushes him away at the sight of me.
“Trea! I feel like we haven’t seen each other in years! I’m so glad you don’t have to train today!” She links her arm in mine and we head for an empty table. “We need to catch up. How are things going with you and Lexan?”
I make a face before remembering that we actually ended on a good note last night. Of course, that was before I knew he has been playing with my mind this whole time. And before I asked Stian to touch my face, playing with his mind.
I sigh. “It’s complicated. We seem to take one step forward and two backward.”
“Trea, that’s how it is when you’re getting to know someone. Everybody has their disagreements – it’s the commitment to work through them that makes a great partner!”
“Okay, now you sound like my counselor.”
“Sorry. So, is he as good a kisser as I’ve heard?” she giggles. “Everyone knows about you two at the hot pool. Garna said the room raised ten degrees! And by the way, Dalen is, well, amazing in that area too.”
“Thanks for the notice. I’ll put him on my list.”
She punches my arm a little more than lightly. “Don’t even joke about that. Oh, that reminds me – Pallis got into it with one of his friends about you.”
“What?”
“Yeah, the other day at the pool, right before you got there, Pallis was arguing with one of his friends. The guy is a year below us. I can’t remember his name, but I guess he was saying some pretty dirty things about you, and Pallis knocked him out with one punch!”
“What is wrong with these boys?” I feel a little embarrassed.
“Trea, they all just want you – there’s nothing wrong with that!”
“I think it’s a bunch of shit.” Isa looks at me in mild confusion – it’s not a word commonly used in Asphodel, but I’ve seen it in the Archives. Stian uses it a lot, and I kind of like the roughness. “Sorry. I guess I’m just annoyed because I could have been having fun all year with some of these guys. Now here it is a week before Choosing Day and they all want to stake a claim on territory that already has allegiance.”
Isa laughs. “You would never let those guys near you. They were all scared to death of your temper. But there’s definitely something different about you lately. You’re not so angry. Brave, maybe. You did that crazy thing where you stood up to Keirna…although I’m not sure that was good…” She frowns a little, remembering.
I consider what Isa is telling me. “You know, you’re right. I have been feeling much more like myself lately, or like what I think I’m supposed to be, anyways. I’m not so bitter about all the things I can’t change. I feel…dynamic.” I smile, trying out Brenn’s favorite word. “Maybe I’m finally coming into my Arien nature. I even I feel like I actually could be a Leader someday.”
“First Leader Astrea…I like it! Now, about Lexan’s kiss. Don’t think you’re getting out of that.”
“Well, it was a bit of an experiment, actually,” I grin. “I wanted to convince him not to run around on me anymore.”
Isa has fallen in love with Lexan all over again by the end of my story, and even I have to admit, he sounds good. Too good, that’s the problem. As we leave the Common Area, I spot Pallis sitting with some friends and head his direction on impulse.
I lean over his shoulder and plant a kiss on his cheek, quite close to his lips. “Hey. I just heard about how you defended my honor and all that. Thanks.”
Leaving no room for response, I walk away. Isa’s eyes are as wide as plates. I shrug innocently. “I was just thanking him. After all, if I’m going to be a Leader one day, I want my people to know I appreciate them.”
“You’re a genius,” she says, laughing. “Did you see their faces!”
Today has given me hope – the kind of hope I need push through the tangles of problems which lay before me.
TWELVE
Study of the zodiac is an important element in self-knowledge. Knowledge of self in turn contributes to happiness.
However, it is necessary that we remain open to the world around us and that we change as it changes.
Our basic personalities will surely remain constant, but how we react to the world is what truly tests our integrity as individuals.
From Personal Journal of First Leader Firene
Published after her death, year 2170
I wake too early, before night has really ended. I’m restless. I stand before the mirror, fingers touching my temple, imagining the strange electric feeling of Stian’s fingers resting there. I know there are some things I can’t change about my life, like Keirna and Lexan, but as I study my reflection, I
imagine that I can see a new strength emerging. I no longer seem like a naïve young girl, sulking through the inevitable constraints of life.
I quickly get ready for school, leaving Mother a note that I left early to meditate. She knows what I do, but not where. Again I leave my hair to curl and flow around my shoulders instead of restraining it in a braid, its color a constant peripheral reminder that I have the spirit of fire living in me – and I can start a revolution.
When I step into the secret room, Stian has just woken. He smiles at me, rubbing sleep from his eyes. I’m struck again by how natural he seems to feel around me.
“I brought you breakfast, but I can’t stay.”
“Good news and bad news,” he smiles. He stands and stretches, his shirt pulling up to expose a bit of taut stomach. I blink my eyes away.
“I have a proposition for you.”
“Will I like it?” he says, his fingers brushing mine a little too closely as they take the offered food.
“Teach me about the outside world,” I continue, trying to ignore how close he stands. He carries such a wild smell, like fresh air and growing things.
“How about I just show it to you?” He rumples his hair.
I shake my head. “Maybe one day. For now, I just need to know what I can expect if I ever go outside.”
He chews thoughtfully, his eyes sliding down my arm, following the curl of my hair. “Okay.” He holds out a hand, like we’re really making a deal. I smile, placing mine in his. He grasps it, covering it with his other hand, his eyes laughing at me.
“I have to go to school now.” I tug my hand free and back away. He watches me go, an indecipherable look on his face.
How I act and react are my choice alone, nothing to do with the day I was born. This strategy is mine to devise, and I’m making my own plans for battle.
In Vocation Studies, I begin by making Leader Augus very nervous.
“What did First Leader Lakessa do before she became First Leader?”
“She was a scientist, I believe. Something like one of our healers.”
“How did she build Asphodel? I mean, we have everything we need here – how did she know exactly what we would need if the Sickness was such a surprise?”
“Well, I have always heard stories that her partner Charles was what they used to call an end-of-the-world extremist. He studied all the different ways life on Earth could come to an end, and he developed plans to survive each one. From what I gather, he was a bit odd. But luckily for us, building a structure like Asphodel was one of these plans. They were extremely wealthy, and they spent a lot of that wealth trying to prepare for disasters. Before the Great Sickness, the world was a very different place. Things were dangerous, uncertain.”
“But how did they even find this cave and get everyone down here? I mean, doesn’t the whole thing seem just a little too lucky?”
“I don’t really know, Astrea. You’re very curious today. Has something happened to spark your interest?”
“No, Leader Augus. I should apologize to you – I know I’ve been a bit lazy in the past, and as I get closer to my vocation, I think I’m simply realizing that I should know more about my city before I become First Leader.” So I can’t lie well, but I’m beginning to find ways around it.
He looks pleased with my smooth answer, and I cease questioning for the rest of class. I don’t want him to say anything to Keirna, but I do want to probe what he knows. Or will admit to knowing.
I corner Brenn before class and whisper to him that I need to talk to him later, without Lexan. His eyes fill with questions, but he leaves me be until after class. He sends Lexan into the equipment room to gather several materials – he has some sort of obstacle course planned for us today.
“Make it quick, Trea.”
“Okay. First, I trust you more than anyone I know, so don’t make me regret it.” He nods, his hand gesturing for me to move on quickly. “I believe you about the outside world. There are definitely people out there, and I can prove it to you.”
Brenn nearly stops breathing and his hand hits the wall, grasping for support. “What kind of proof?” His voice betrays that he isn’t sure he wants the answer.
“There is a secret room I go to sometimes to meditate. Grandmother showed it to me a long time ago.”
“The one behind the Ministration Room? Hey, don’t look so surprised. Your grandmother was secretive, but she always liked me. Trusted me too.” He grins at me, not apologizing for my shock.
“Have you been there?”
“Nope. Can’t fit through the passage. But she wanted me to know about it so I could help you if you needed to hide out for a bit.”
Hide? What in the world did my grandmother know about all of this? I wish earnestly that she were still alive; I know I could have trusted her with everything.
“So what is this proof?” Brenn prompts me.
I open my mouth to answer, but close it abruptly as I see Lexan approaching earshot. He is watching us intently around the pile of weapons in his arms.
Brenn covers quickly. “All right, guys, today we’re going to do a bit of everything. I want you to start using your skills together, not in isolation. Lexan, you start by climbing that wall with the hooks we used last week, and Astrea, I want you on the rope. Not too high, now – maybe twenty feet or so. I also want you to throw knives or shoot at some targets I’ll be placing. When I say so, you’ll scramble down and start hand combat. Got it?”
Lexan eyes me. He knows something is up, but he just nods and grabs the climbing hooks and a bow and arrow. I arm myself with extra knives and head for the thick rope suspended from the ceiling. Brenn jogs around the room, setting up targets and shoving the row of punching bags so they begin swinging randomly – our moving targets. Then he gets out of our way, disappearing into the equipment room to avoid stray arrows and knives.
I climb faster than Lexan, my path up the rope straight and easy. I ignore Brenn’s caution to stay at twenty feet, and around forty, I pause, something ticking in my brain. I glance around, looking for something that I can’t quite place. Then I see it – the glimmer! In all the craziness of the past weeks, I had forgotten about my last trip up this rope. It is definitely there, only a dozen feet above where Lexan is climbing. I hold my breath, waiting, ignoring that I’m supposed to be hitting targets. Lexan also disregards Brenn’s order and keeps climbing, pausing to shoot an arrow at a punching bag. Quickly I aim a knife at a target, easily hitting the center circle even though the rope swings gently.
Lexan has reached the glimmer. As I watch, willing myself not to call out, I see his body tense. His foot slips. His hands grasp at the hold, but its purchase crumbles and I yell for Brenn, knowing Lexan will fall. Brenn rushes to him and begins to climb as fast as he can, but then Lexan finds a foothold a few feet down. He recovers, but I can see his arms shaking. Without realizing, I have already slid down nearly twenty feet of rope, my thighs raw from the friction.
“All right, let’s come down and take a break!” Brenn calls up to Lexan.
He shakes his head. “I’m okay.”
“Well, then, come on down and fight! You’re too high anyways! Stop wasting time!” I can’t tell if Brenn is nervous or just angry, but something isn’t quite right.
I hit the floor quickly and busy myself throwing the rest of my knives around the room as I wait for Lexan, hitting targets each time. Suddenly, he grabs me from behind, and I cry out, surprised. His body weight threatens my balance, and my hand hits the floor.
“Come on, Trea, think on your feet!” Brenn yells from across the room.
My momentary distraction from the glimmer and the weak panic I felt when Lexan slipped are gone in an instant. Crouching, I swing my leg around with as much force as I can, and sweep-kick Lexan to the ground. His back hits with a thud and I dance away. His eyes sparkle at me as he pulls to his feet. Mine harden, thinking of how he has been using those eyes as a weapon on me.
He is tall, nearly six inches m
ore than me. But I’m faster. I move instinctively, without analyzing too much – Lexan thinks about angles and calculates force. I swing at his torso, and he blocks me, my hand stinging from the impact. I try again, but his reach is too great, and he blocks me again easily, his arm muscles taut against his shirt sleeves.
He must have a weakness I can exploit. Brenn tells us everyone has a weakness. He hits my shoulder, but I don’t feel much force. I kick out, nicking his calf. He lands another on my side, and again it feels weak. Then I grin, knowing. Lexan’s weakness is me. He doesn’t want to hurt me.
I stretch my kick as high as I can, and hit him hard in the neck. His eyes bulge out a little, but he still has enough presence of mind to grasp at my foot, and we are both knocked to the floor. I hit hard on my side, but am up in an instant, ignoring the brief pain in my ribs. I crouch on his chest, one knee close to his groin. I swing at his jaw, and he manages to block the first, but then I connect. His head cracks back onto the floor. I feel victory coming, but then he abruptly shoves me off his chest, rolling over me so my hips are pinned beneath him, his ankles crossed over my calves. He could knock me unconscious from this position, and we all know it. I pound at his ribcage, my legs helpless beneath his weight.
“I’m calling it,” Brenn says from a few feet away. “Nice fighting, Trea. Some good creativity. Lexan, I’m sure glad you didn’t knock her out, but I hope you won’t hesitate that much in a real fight.”
Lexan nods. He hasn’t moved yet, and we’re close enough for me to see a bead of sweat trickle down his neck into his shirt. He studies my face, but I won’t meet his eyes. After what seems like forever, he moves, pulling me up with him, grasping my upper arms so we stay only inches apart. I’m uncomfortable with the prolonged closeness, and I imagine Brenn is getting there too. I shove playfully at Lexan’s chest to break the strange tension.
“Maybe one of these days I’ll get you to hit me.”
“Don’t count on it.” He lets me go then, his hand moving thoughtfully across his jaw.
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