I remember the whispers I overheard the night before my Initiation Ceremony, and wonder how they can live with what they’ve done.
But I don’t want to argue with her this morning. I accept the packet, tucking it carefully back between the pages. I certainly don’t want a child for a long time either. Maybe never.
“Sometimes men and women need to join together, Astrea. Especially in times of grief, hardship, great stress – in those times love is even more important to nurture. Don’t be afraid of it. Love is what makes us human; just like fire, air, earth, and water, we can’t live well without love. But don’t be too eager for it either; you’ll know when the time is right.” She pats my hand and rises, pressing her fingers to her trembling lips.
“Astrea, please know that I love you so much.” She’s gone from my room before I can respond.
My insides twisting on themselves, I realize my mother is very afraid for me. She is protecting me in the only way she can, by reminding me of her love. I tuck the book into my satchel.
On my way out the door, I notice the box that holds my Choosing Day dress. Sighing, I open it and hang the dress from a notch in the wall. Its fiery beauty steals my breath all over again – I have been avoiding it because of my guilt about the shopkeeper, but I realize I will soon be wearing it, dancing with Lexan before the entire community.
I may need to look at it for a few days to get used to that fact.
I’m grateful to find Isa on my way to class, and she fills my ear with random gossip, much of which concerns a few of our classmates’ last-minute scramblings for Choosing Day. Garna is still stringing along two boys. Nobody wants to be left behind, hoping for a partner for another year, but it inevitably happens, as there is never a perfect number.
“Don’t you think it’s strange, though,” I say, “that every single person does eventually end up with a partner? I would think, logically, that some people wouldn’t want to have one, or maybe someone would be too disliked.”
“I guess that’s why Asphodel works so well – we are all committed to the same thing. Happiness. When we see unhappiness, we try and fix it, even if it means that someone partners with a second choice. Nobody is selfish like before the Sickness.”
“I guess.” I can’t help but think of Stian’s comment, that there are different definitions of happiness. “I wonder who Pallis will choose.”
“I haven’t heard. You don’t actually like him, do you?” Isa sounds a little concerned.
“Not like that. We were just having some fun. I guess I was doing my part in the whole happiness thing.”
“Well, it seems to have worked with Lexan. I haven’t seen him hardly talk to other girls in forever. His gorgeous blue eyes follow you every time you walk by…”
I can tell Isa is about to go on a tangent about the infinite greatness of Lexan, and I steer her firmly away. “So, Mother gave me an herbalist this morning.”
Isa nearly bumps into someone coming the other way. “An herbalist? What for?”
I grin. “It has a packet of Anneslace seeds in it.”
She gasps. “Your mother thinks you and Lexan…wow…Wait, you’re not, right?”
“Isa!”
“Sorry, I know you’re not. That’s crazy.”
“Do you want some for Dalen?” I tease her, making up for her stupid question. She just winks and me and grins, continuing down the hallway to her Vocation Studies classroom, where she is learning to be a teacher, hoping to teach the youngest children someday.
I pause before the door to my Vocation Studies room, apprehensive about who or what I might find. Justifying my fears, the door swings open and I find myself face to face with Aitan.
“Are you going to come in or not?”
I wonder briefly what he would do if I refused, but decide not to begin that way. Leader Augus is not in the room, so I am alone with Lexan’s handsome older brother when the door clicks shut.
“It’s my turn to teach you today,” he says, obvious pleasure in his voice, but his satisfaction is directed more at himself than me. I’m not really sure what to think of Aitan – so much like Lexan, yet still different in many, more important ways.
“What exactly can you teach me, Aitan?” I taunt lightly, alluding to the fact that he is the youngest Leader, and therefore the least experienced. He is actually still in his internship.
His eyes narrow and he closes the distance between us easily, standing too close for me to remain comfortable. I sit quickly, avoiding his calm stare. As far as I know, he doesn’t have any special abilities, but his eyes are unnervingly like Lexan’s.
“Today I’m supposed to teach you how to put people at ease, give you a practiced point of view on how to get people to do what you want them to.”
“It seems like you’d rather try to make me uncomfortable.”
He smiles without warmth. “True. You have a way of cutting to the heart already, Astrea. Your mind is fairly analytical when you take your time to think, rather than allow your anger to take over.”
“What do you know about my anger?” More than I want him to, I realize, as he’s just successfully made me angry.
“Everyone gets angry, Astrea. But Ariens tend to do so more often. That’s unbecoming for a Leader, don’t you think?”
I don’t bother to answer, thinking of Keirna’s own problems with anger, not very well hidden.
“You should learn to control your anger. Perhaps you could ask your counselor for medicine. Or you could practice meditation?”
A sick feeling washes through me as I realize he is baiting me slyly – what does he know about my meditation habits? Does he know where I go?
“Perhaps you already do a little meditation?” he prompts me, impatient.
“Look, Aitan, I don’t know what game you’re trying to play, but I’m not interested. I don’t trust anyone in your family very much, especially not you. I’m not telling you anything.” I fold my arms across my chest and lean back in my chair.
Aitan stares at me for a long moment as though debating what to do next. I prop my feet in the chair next to mine, waiting. He leans against the desk and cocks his head at me.
“How is your friend Isa doing?”
His question is so off topic that I nearly fall off my chair.
“I hear she has picked Dalen for Choosing Day. I always thought she would go for someone a little more interesting, especially after...”
“What are you talking about?” I’m not sure where he is going with this, but I can already tell I’m not going to like it. He pushes his body back, now sitting on the teacher’s desk.
“Oh, one night a few months ago, we found ourselves dancing together at a gathering, one thing turned into another, and soon…well, anyways, she’s quite nice to spend time with.”
I am standing before I realize it, my temper boiling with what he’s insinuating about Isa. She would never. Aitan is four years older than us – he’s already partnered!
“She told me a few things about you, too. How you hated Lexan. But that’s not what I hear lately.” His grin makes me feel like I need to take a bath. “Actually, I hear you two are getting along extremely well. Of course, Lexan can be very…charming, can’t he? I couldn’t blame you for lying down for him, just like the other girls do.”
That’s it. I reach my limit. I step toward him, my fingers tightened into fists. I stare intensely into his eyes, anger sparking. “Aitan, you are a cruel, manipulative person. I don’t believe what you said about Isa, and what Lexan and I do is our business. You should stop playing games with me like a coward, and tell me what you really want.”
He stands slowly and leans into my personal space, his gaze never breaking mine. His eyes are triumphant, and completely his own. “But I’ve just gotten exactly what I want, Astrea. You’ve cooperated nicely.” He has left the room before his words can even filter to my brain.
What have I done?
Slowly, realization dawns and I feel like I might repeat my fa
inting spell. Aitan knows my ability. That was what he wanted, all along. He used my emotion, my anger, to goad me into showing him my power.
I sit heavily in the chair, my mind racing.
What Aitan knows, Keirna will soon know.
I curse my own stupid tendency to speak before I think of the consequences, to spout my anger before analyzing what might result. I still have twenty minutes before my next class, and all I can do is pace.
Another thought barrels into my conscious. He wasn’t swayed by my power. I couldn’t see even the tiniest effect. What does that mean?
The second it is time I race to the next room, searching for Lexan.
I pull him to the back corner of the classroom, ignoring curious looks from the few classmates who are in the room. I have to speak quickly, before class begins.
“Aitan was my teacher today. He tricked me, Lexan! He saw my power!”
Lexan pales briefly, then his entire face shifts to fury.
“He is not going to get away with this.”
His voice is so quiet I have to strain to hear, and I’m worried about what he might do in this white hot rage. I think of Aitan’s comment on Lexan’s intimacy with other girls, and I know I can’t tell him that. We must be even more careful now.
As class begins, Lexan asks to go to the bathroom. He gives me a searching look as he passes my table.
A few minutes pass and he hasn’t returned, so I raise my hand and ask to leave also. Teacher Renata raises her eyebrows at me, but assents. As I stand to go, I shake my head at Isa’s unspoken question. An image of her with Aitan flashes unwanted into my head and I feel sick. Surely she wouldn’t have.
Outside the classroom, I scan the hallway for Lexan. Nothing. I hurry into the next hall, again finding it empty. I begin to run, heading for the Common Area because it’s the central hub – he will have to pass through its huge space if he’s leaving the classrooms. Then I see him, nearly at the other side of the Common Area, walking quickly, determinedly. I sprint toward him, not caring who sees, although there are very few people here now.
He must hear my pounding feet, for he turns around impatiently.
“What are you doing?” I say as I catch up, out of breath.
“I’m going to see Aitan. He needs to remember his place. He can’t treat you like that.” As we reach the passageway leading to the Leadership Complex, I tug on his sleeve desperately. He can’t go in there now. It’s not safe – we have no idea what they are planning.
“Lexan, please. Just wait. We need to talk to Brenn about this. We can’t just go barreling into Keirna’s office. Let’s be reasonable. Stop and think.”
He looks at me in disbelief, and I realize we have switched roles. Usually I’m the one tearing into a situation, while he stops to analyze each move. The incongruity breaks the tension, and we both laugh, just a little.
“Okay. Tell me exactly what happened. Every word.”
He pulls me toward a table in the corner, where nobody would notice us, even if the Common Area were full. I look down at my lap. He’s not going to like this.
“Trea.” It sounds a little like a warning, but a gentle one.
I sigh and begin, my fingers tracing the asphodel flowers carved into the table’s surface. Lexan’s fists curl together when I tell about Isa. He shakes his head, and I’m relieved to see he doesn’t believe it either. But as I recount the part about Lexan charming the other girls, his face turns red, then white-hot again in anger. He starts to stand, and I grasp his shirt, forcing him down, afraid he will go back to his first plan in an instant.
“Look, Lexan, about your power, and the girls. I don’t care. Really. Whether it’s true or not, as far as I care, it stays in the past. Clean slate. Whatever. I’m no angel, either,” I poke his ribs, hoping to lighten the mood, but he is not amused with the thought of Pallis.
“I guess we should go back to class.”
I smile. “Yeah, or Renata is going to think we’re really up to no good.”
“See? We can start rumors without even doing anything. Although it’s not nearly as much fun…” He grins at me darkly and squeezes my thigh, a few inches too high.
I punch him lightly on the arm, doing my best to ignore the strings he evidently still holds, his grin gently tugging the air from my body.
Before Brenn can begin our training, I tell him again that we need to talk, but this time I include Lexan. Somebody has to crack open this vault of secrets. In the semi-dark of the equipment room, I face the two of them and lay my cards on the table, even the one I have been holding close for fear of losing it in a risky play. It is time for us to truly work together.
The only secrets I keep are the ones I have not yet admitted to myself – things I want from Stian, and what I might be willing to do in order to gain them.
“Wow, Trea.” Brenn’s eyes are sparkling with excitement. He is much more interested in Stian than Lexan’s and my abilities. “Bravery makes sense for you, doesn’t it,” is all he remarks on my power. Evidently my parents have already told him the rest.
“I just can’t believe there’s a person from the outside, right here in the cave with us,” he says again, marveling.
Lexan is less impressed. “How do you know you can trust him? I find it hard to believe he just thought he could walk right in the door and join our city.”
I shake my head. “I thought about that too, but I think that’s the way it works outside. People don’t have to stay in one place, because there is more than one place to live. I mean, we don’t move around because there’s nowhere to go.”
He still doesn’t look convinced.
“Look, I trust him because I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know him.” I refuse to meet Lexan’s eyes as they search my face. “What if you could ask him questions yourself? What if you met him?” I’m very apprehensive about this offer, but I know Lexan will never accept second-hand information on such important matters, no matter how much he trusts me.
“How?” Brenn asks, and I think back to how he said he couldn’t fit through the passage, and how Stian claimed the same problem. But Lexan is slimmer than either, his shoulders strong but still narrow.
“I’m not sure, but we’ll figure something out. We have to.”
“Okay.” Brenn’s tone is decisive. “Let’s skip training today. You could both use a break anyways. I need to go talk to a few people, find out a few things. Lexan, you need to go see Pasia and see if she’s dug up anything else on the laws regarding the prophecy – I know she was looking for more on that.”
Lexan nods, his eyes hardening. As if he spoke out loud, I know what he’s thinking.
“Don’t even try to go see Aitan, either. We’ll deal with him later.”
He glares at me, but doesn’t contradict.
Brenn continues, not even noticing. “Trea, you see if you can convince your new friend to do an interview. Even if we have to stand in the passageway and ask questions, that might help.”
“Oh, he’ll agree,” I say confidently, without thinking. Lexan looks at me sharply, and I turn my face away. Like I said, some secrets I keep even from myself.
I am desperate to check on Stian after everything that happened with Aitan today. And now I need to persuade him to meet Lexan, which I’m not looking forward to.
Since Brenn canceled training, I enter the Ministration Room much earlier than usual: before the ministry begins rather than after it is over. I know this means I will need to listen carefully at the passageway before I leave, to avoid anyone coming to the service. I also can’t stay very late, for Father threatened to lock me in my room if I miss dinner again. There are limits to his tolerance of my stories.
When I finally slip into the secret room, a quick glance does not reveal Stian. Fighting panic, I turn quickly in all directions – his things are still here. But where is he? Then, an unexpected splashing causes me to whirl around, and I see his head bob to the surface of the frigid pool.
“Tre! I wasn’t
expecting you so early.”
I smile in relief, realizing he has already recognized my haphazard schedule. He takes a few steps toward the shallow water at the edge, and I suddenly realize he’s bathing. Although the dark water still hides him, I turn quickly from his naked body, mortified.
“I’m so sorry.” I can feel heat rush to my face, and it only intensifies as I hear Stian begin to laugh. He splashes out of the water and I hear him rummage through his pack. I refuse to turn around, hiding my face in the rock wall.
“It’s okay. I’m dressed now.”
I finally turn, only to realize he’s told a half-truth. He wears pants, gathered low and loose on his waist by a knotted string. His face and head are covered with a small towel that he is using to wring the water from his thick brown hair. His torso is bare, his muscles drip the icy water, and I receive the unsettling impression that he is more man than boy, while I’m still a girl. I duck my head again, still embarrassed, but a detail catches my eye.
“What’s wrong with your arms?” I ask, then bite my lip, instantly uncomfortable with my own question.
“What do you mean?” Confused, he turns his arm, looking for what has concerned me.
I’ve seen very few people without shirts, but I’m sure his arms are not normal. “They’re a completely different color from your chest.”
His easy laughter returns, and he covers the distance between us in only a few steps. He grasps my hand, placing it on his skin. I feel the heat creep from my cheeks down into my chest, which is quickly feeling too small for my lungs. He brushes my fingers from his arm to his chest. “See? Nothing’s wrong – this color is from the sun. When you walk outside for a few hours, your skin turns browner. You have to be careful, though, because the sun can actually burn your skin too.”
I gape at him. Certainly nobody has ever taught me that. “Like fire?”
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