“Well, how about you kids clean up, and I get to go home,” Brenn says, picking up his bag and breaking the awkwardness a little. I think about Megara, his partner. I wonder if she is jealous of his time away from her, training us. I wonder if she knows any of what he knows.
Lexan moves around the room, gathering arrows and knives from the targets. I stare at the rock wall, wanting to climb it and see that glimmer up close. His climbing hook still dangles there. I start up, moving quickly, and am nearly twenty feet before Lexan notices.
“What are you doing? Don’t go up there!”
I ignore him, choosing my grips carefully. I haven’t brought any hooks, relying only on my hands and slippered feet. I reach the hook. Nothing. I can’t see anything. Frustrated, I survey the room. I’m definitely in the right spot. I inch up a little more. Then I notice something. There is a difference in the air here. A wild, green smell. Movement.
Air doesn’t move. The smell reminds me of Stian, and instinctively I know. Something here leads to the outside.
“Trea?”
I start back down, not wanting Lexan to feel like he has to come up after me. There must be a hole in the wall there, maybe even a small passage. No, the wall is too solid. A gap, at least. And Lexan saw it. What does he know? What should I tell him? I frown, the ever-present debate over trust bringing my mind to a halt.
I’m getting really tired of trying to play it safe – it’s just not my style.
When my feet hit the floor, Lexan is there, his hand immediately on my shoulder. “What’s going on with you today?”
I say nothing, looking at my feet.
“Did something happen yesterday? Last time I saw you, we were good, and now I feel like you don’t trust me again.”
I try to move away, but his fingers stiffen, holding me in place. I jerk suddenly free, stepping back several paces. I can’t risk meeting his eyes at such a close distance.
“Yeah, Lexan, a few things did happen yesterday.” An image of Stian’s confusion after touching my face makes my stomach twist. “And no, I don’t trust you right now.” I keep moving, gathering the targets. Soon there is nothing left to clean, and I must make a choice.
Talk, or leave. Act, or avoid. I think of Stian. He would act. He would take a risk.
“Okay, I have some things to tell you, and some questions for you. I don’t trust you with me, but I think maybe I can trust you with some other things.”
“That makes no sense.”
“You are not honest about how you feel about me, Lexan; I know you’re not. You’ve been trying to play with my emotions to get me to trust you, for whatever reason. So I want to leave our partnering out of this for now. There are other things going on that are more important.”
“Fair enough.”
I notice he doesn’t try to deny anything I accused him of. That’s not a good sign.
“What did you see when you were climbing today?” There’s no other way to start than to plunge right in, and immediately I see he is uncomfortable. I assume that means I’m on the right topic.
I take a step toward him, and he takes one back. “Tell me!”
He sits heavily on the bench next to the equipment room. We can see the door from here, but we are safely in the shadows. “I’m not really sure what I saw, Astrea.”
“That’s a bunch of shit, and you know it. What did you see?” My language snaps his attention to me. I’m beginning to see why Stian uses these words – they make people notice.
“I saw a light, okay? I know it’s impossible, but that’s what I saw. There aren’t any other rooms up there. And it smelled weird. Kind of like the Growing Rooms. But that’s ridiculous. I mean, it’s just a rock wall.”
I debate, wondering if Lexan really doesn’t know about what’s outside, or if he just doesn’t want to tell me what he knows. I join him on the bench, close enough to touch, but not.
“Okay, Lexan, I’m going to go through this slowly. Stop me when you hear something you didn’t already know. Next week, I choose you for partner. The prophecy moves forward. Keirna sends a search party to explore the outside world and prepare for the possibility of a new city. What do you think that party will find?”
He doesn’t answer. He knows. I can sense it, and it makes me savagely angry.
“They’ll find people, Lexan! Thousands of people! They’ll find sunlight, and forest, and cities. Asphodel will finally come out of this cave, and together we’ll start a new life, with me as the new First Leader. And that’s exactly why Keirna doesn’t want me around. She wants to control everything herself. No me, no prophecy, no worries.”
“She’d have to get rid of me, too.”
Finally, new information. “What do you mean by that?”
“Pasia’s been sneaking looks at the Classified Law whenever Keirna leaves her offices. She told me that the law states if something happens to you, I’m supposed to take your place. Astrea, if you’re gone, I have to be First Leader. That’s why I’m training with you now. We both have to be prepared to fight Keirna.”
I consider this. It makes sense. “So if you knew all this stuff about the outside, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t actually know anything until today. Swear. I suspected. I mean, why else would Keirna and everyone else be so upset about the prophecy? If there was a dead, dark world with no people up there, she would have nothing to worry about. The prophecy would be wrong.”
“I’d still be First Leader,” I point out.
“True. But not for a few years – you still have to do your internship. She could do a lot of other planning in that time, maybe even find a loophole if the prophecy was wrong. But starting next week, she has to make it look like she’s preparing to fulfill the prophecy. It will be chaos – people speculating about the outside and everyone getting scared about what could happen to us. To Asphodel.”
I know he’s right. If Keirna’s plan is to retain complete control over the city, she would not be overreacting by threatening me. That must be her plan, then. “Do you think we’re doing all this for no reason? I mean, what proof do we really have that Keirna even wants us dead?”
“I don’t think we need proof. By the time we get that, we might be the proof. Nobody we have ever met has been outside this cave. The fear of the unknown will drive anyone crazy.”
For the hundredth time today, I think about Stian. Should I tell Lexan that I have, in fact, met someone who has been outside?
Lexan says, “But we can look at the logic. Keirna has been First Leader for fifteen years, and she’s only forty. Firene led for over fifty years. Keirna could easily lead another forty years, if it weren’t for you. Aitan has told me a dozen times that Keirna hates discussions about you, the prophecy, anything that hints at her stepping down. She likes things exactly the way they are. We also know she’s not always fair, sometimes cruel. And the random accidental deaths – some people think she’s behind most of those.”
I think about the shopkeeper, hanging in her public cell. I think about Keirna’s second visit to my Vocation Studies, which I haven’t thought to tell Lexan about. I think about the rumors surrounding Teacher Carlen, who was an accomplished climber, and Lexan’s own father, Witter: how could such a strong, careful man have ended up with an arrow in his back during a training exercise.
“Plus, Aitan says there are even people who whisper about how powerful my family is becoming. I’ll be partnered with the First Leader, which means I have a good shot at Head Minister. Aitan’s already a Leader, with no replacement coming any time soon, and Pasia is already proving to be quite an ambitious advocate. Those are the three most powerful vocations. Plus our family link to Firene.”
I know Lexan has an analytical mind, and can easily look at multiple angles of an issue, but he is truly impressing me with his ideas. And his honesty.
I just wish it had come sooner, so our trust wasn’t so damaged.
“And then there’s the issue of your unique ability.” I say
it softly, but he still hears. His body tenses next to mine. I wait.
“So that’s what this is about.”
“Obviously.”
He sighs deeply and remains silent. I keep waiting.
“Can I explain?”
“You can try.” Even I’m a little surprised by the fury in my voice, and I hear Lexan’s breath catch briefly.
“Mother told me about my ability three years ago, before it even surfaced. She didn’t know what it would be, but we waited and watched together. One day, I got in a lot of trouble with Father, and he was threatening to send me to the Counseling Center to stay for a while.”
I start a little at this. The Counseling Center is rarely talked about – only people with serious issues stay there, issues like violence, or desire to take their own lives. Lexan doesn’t fit any of those descriptions, to my knowledge.
“Mother watched me take his arm and just stare at him, and then he calmed down, and soon he had forgotten all about the fight. All I had done was look at him and ask him to stop. So that’s how it started. She guessed my ability had something to do with my eyes, and getting people to do things.”
“How did Hetta know about the abilities in the first place?”
“Firene. She was my great-grandmother, remember? We don’t talk about it much, with all the rumors about my family. But she left some papers, some with Mother, and others sealed away in a secret place, and told my mother to open them if two children were born to begin the prophecy. I haven’t seen the secret papers, but I know what’s in the others.” He holds a hand up to me before I can protest. “I’ve already told you all of it that I know. You can look at the papers if you want. Anyways, I started practicing my ability with Mother, and she helped me learn to control it. Eventually I started experimenting with other people.”
“What exactly is your power?”
“The hormone somehow amplifies one of your natural traits. Librans are known to be very captivating, very charming. So that’s what I do. I can somehow project a thought or an image to a person, and they think it’s their idea. I make them feel like they are intelligent, unique, important. And they do what I want.”
I was right. I smile in spite of myself. I was right about his power.
Then a memory focuses my brain, and I glare. “So, that first kiss by the hot pool? You used your power on me.” I’m not asking, because I know. I remember feeling nearly hypnotized, and the strange idea that I wanted him to kiss me, that I wouldn’t resist if he did.
I should have known. There was no reason for me to kiss Lexan, when I’d spent a dozen years avoiding him. Yet I did. I let him. He charmed me.
“Astrea, I’m really sorry. Yes, I’ve used my ability on you. A few times, I’ll admit. I’m not proud of it. I’m so used to it, and I know it’s not an excuse, but sometimes I just use it without thinking of the consequences, so I can get what I want.”
I snort – an unattractive sound, but I don’t care.
“I guess this explains a lot. How everyone loves you. How I’ve always thought you were creepy…”
He looks miserable, and I’m glad that he feels that way. “I’m sorry. I know I can’t change what I did. But after Sunday night, when we talked in the Ministration Room, I decided I shouldn’t allow myself to use my ability with you again. That’s why I had to leave. I felt myself projecting an image, when I didn’t even mean to. Trea, when we’re together, I want things to be real.” His hand brushes my arm, then falls again. “I don’t want to take away any more of your choices.”
“I remember that image…” I say without thinking. “You wanted me to trust you again, so we could be a team. And I wouldn’t have to do everything alone.”
“I still want that.”
I’m not ready to respond to that. “How did you learn to control your power?” I say instead.
“Well, at first, I could only use it when I was really upset – like it was feeding off my emotion. It’s still a lot stronger that way. But I just kept practicing, and it got stronger, like a muscle. Have you found yours?” He turns the subject to me abruptly.
“Yes. But I’m not really sure how to do it, and I’m only guessing what it even is.” I pause, finally looking in his direction. He is staring despondently at his fingers laced together in his lap.
I make my choice, speaking something that has barely been a solid thought in my mind until just now. “I think it has something to do with being brave.”
His eyes widen. “That has to be right! Trea, that makes so much sense.”
I’m startled by his sudden excitement and meet his eyes for the first time, forgetting that I had vowed not to. He looks away quickly, as though he doesn’t want to break his own vow. I smile a little.
“That night at the hot pool – when Pallis punched me, then you smacked me?”
“Then you hypnotized me…”
“Yeah, but think about it. I had no intention of kissing you when I walked over there. I just wanted to make sure you were safe.” He touches a hesitant finger to my leg, asking me to take notice.
“Trea, I’ve thought of kissing you a hundred different times. But there was no way I had the courage. I could approach any girl but you. I was embarrassed that you obviously didn’t want me anywhere near you. So I stayed away. But that night…you stared me down, and it was like a fire of liquid courage. I had to try. Or be a coward.”
“But you were still a coward, because you used your power to keep me from refusing!”
He nods, his excitement gone. “I know. I see that.” Then he grins a tiny crooked grin. “But I’m not sorry I did it!”
I smack his arm, but the tension is lessened somewhat. “What about the other time you kissed me? Did you do it then?”
“Nope. But you did.”
I scowl at the floor. His grin is so annoying.
“You were sparking anger at everyone and I guess you gave me the courage to follow through with what you said. Remember? The second you had my waistband, I was a nervous wreck. I could barely breathe. That has to be it,” he repeats. “I can charm people, and you can make them brave.” He shakes his head.
“So I guess we’re kind of even.” I feel better, less like a victim in the whole mess we’ve found ourselves in. Actually, it sounds like I may have been more to blame than Lexan, although I didn’t know I was doing anything.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Lexan…” I’m not sure what to say now, my heart torn between a raw, undefined feeling of betrayal and this new, different sort of trust growing with Lexan’s honesty.
He rescues me, always needing to restore balance and put me at ease. “Trea, I think we should move forward with our friendship, but we have to stop using each other. I know we need to show Asphodel we are together, but there are lots of ways to do that. If you’re not comfortable being physical, then we won’t do it that way.”
“That sounds…perfect, actually.”
“Whatever happens between us, I don’t want it to be forced. We’ll take this whole partner thing one day at a time. But my promise, to stay away from other girls? That’s still good. Just so you know.”
I don’t respond, an image of Stian creeping unaccountably into my head. I stand to stretch, suddenly realizing how long we’ve been talking. I know we’ve missed dinner again. Lexan stands too, putting a hand on my shoulder. He hesitates, looking down, then pulls me into another full hug, just as the daylights blink three times in warning, then click off, leaving us in complete blackness. I giggle in surprise, and he laughs.
We are both relieved to have come to an understanding, I think. We walk carefully back to our separate chambers, arms linked in the darkness, and I feel safer in more than one way.
THIRTEEN
Building a strong new civilization after the Sickness will take many generations. Asphodel must be careful to control its population, so growth remains steady but not overwhelming.
Each partnership should strive to produce three healthy, naturally-bir
thed children – one to replace each of the parents, plus an additional child to accelerate population growth.
It is also best if the children are birthed to young partners, and evenly spaced for optimum health of the family.
Official Recommendation on Population Control,
First Leader Lakessa, year 2102
Mother wakens me early the next morning. Four days until Sunday – Choosing Day. She sits on my bed and I sit up quickly, hoping nothing is wrong. She holds a small leather book, old and creased. I see a few papers tucked between its other pages.
“Were you with Lexan last night?” she asks quietly.
I nod, blinking away sleep, still not sure what she wants. Her face is serious, her eyes asking me to listen carefully.
“Father told me you have been spending a lot of time with Lexan lately, and I’m glad for that. I think you two can depend on each other for support, if only because you may soon be two against many.”
“I know, Mother. Lexan and I are getting along much better now.”
“Astrea, it’s also important that you don’t lose yourself – be selfish if you must. Please listen to me. Take this book. Study it, and keep it with you when you go.”
I accept the book and open it. It looks like recipes. A paper falls from the front, and I see it’s actually an envelope of tiny dry seeds. “An herbalist?” I realize suddenly.
“Yes. This is Father’s old one. He has no need for it now, but you may. These,” she picks up the fallen packet, “are for you, one day, when you are with Lexan.” Her eyes narrow, asking me to understand.
I do, and my brain rejects the idea immediately. “Mother, I told you, Lexan and I are not getting into that.”
“Astrea, I’m not worried about now. A year is a long time. Lexan is a handsome young man, and very charming.”
I study her eyes, which seem careful and shielded. Has Father told her about Lexan’s power? She sighs, looking down at the packet in her fingers.
“Astrea, a child does not need to be brought into this city, not by you and Lexan, not for many years. You have important things to accomplish. As a mother, I can tell you a child must not be part of that. Parents will give up everything to save their children, but you and Lexan won’t have that luxury.” She looks away, and I think again of the two babies born before me, both still and cold when born.
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