Starbright: The Complete Series

by Hilary Thompson

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I know we just met, and I realize your life is already planned out for you. But I can’t help it – I’m drawn to you. I was just too afraid to risk chasing you away.”

  I don’t think a kiss like that would chase anyone away, but I’m not exactly ready to admit that.

  “Tre, I realize I’m complicating things. I know you can’t be with me, when you’re already bound to someone else.” His eyes darken, and he looks toward the water. “I don’t even know if you’d want to be with me…” he trails off, sounding unsure again.

  Hearing him voice such a possibility makes me realize in an instant that’s exactly what I do want, and life suddenly makes a little more sense. I reach for his hand, tugging it into mine. He glances back at me, and I smile, but sadness creases my brow.

  Just because something makes sense to us doesn’t mean the world will agree.

  “I don’t know what to say, Stian. On Sunday I will have to choose Lexan, and the prophecy will begin. I don’t have the power to change things, even though I want to.”

  “Tell me the prophecy again?” he asks, hesitant.

  I realize how much I still need to tell him, if he’s ever to understand why I must stay in Asphodel, and why I can’t be with him, no matter what we both might want.

  “Stian, I need to tell you a story about Asphodel, and why my life is this way.” I begin at the beginning, telling him what we learn in our history classes about how Lakessa saved our ancestors from the Great Sickness; how her partner Charles, our first Head Minister, prophesied the superstition that binds Lexan and me, setting a new path for our city. I tell him about Firene, who was a kind, compassionate, brave First Leader. I tell him about Keirna, who is a cruel, manipulative, power-hungry First Leader. Something stops me just before I tell about the injections, and the resulting abilities that Keirna, Lexan, and I share.

  Finally, when he has turned away from me to stare at the ceiling, his brain likely overflowing with information, I tell him that I will bring Lexan to him today, so they can meet, and Lexan can decide if he is trustworthy.

  When I stop talking, silence fills the small room, absorbing the minutes as they pass. Stian’s hands rest on his own body now, and he doesn’t look at me. I think briefly that if I leave now, he might not be here when I return, and my heart aches with that possibility.

  “Astrea? Are you in there?” The quiet call comes from the passageway, and Stian is on his feet, knife poised before I can untangle myself from the blanket.

  “It’s Lexan,” I whisper to Stian. He lowers his knife, but doesn’t set it down. I move to the passageway, ducking inside.

  “Lexan?” I say into the darkness.

  “Trea, it’s almost time for the morning ministry! I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Your mother said you left before she even woke up, and I was afraid…” his voice stops. “Someone’s coming! Don’t come out until I say!”

  I back quickly out of the passage. Stian is only a few feet from me, still gripping his knife. I’m torn between fear of losing him and fear of being discovered. “I have to go, but I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’m sorry.”

  We both know my apology is not for the hurried departure, and he nods. He hesitates, then pulls me tight against his chest, his lips brushing my hair softly.

  “Nothing’s changed, Tre,” he says, then pushes me gently toward the passage, retreating to his bed. A warm feeling of happiness surges through me as I crawl through the tunnel as quietly as possible. I wait in the small space, listening for Lexan’s voice.

  “I was only practicing my ministry, Aitan. Why so suspicious? It’s quite appropriate for a future minister to be here early in the morning. Maybe if you came more regularly, you’d know that.”

  The realization that Aitan stands in the Ministration Room with Lexan brings a cold shiver over me, and I think again of my nightmare.

  “I understand, brother. However, you should know that I’ve been instructed to keep a close watch on you. If I were you, I wouldn’t be doing anything…suspicious…for me to report. And you might want to pass that on to Astrea. I’m sure you’ll see her today.”

  “Is she being watched too?”

  I hear no answer, although my ears are straining. I hear footsteps fading. Finally, when I’m sure I can’t wait any longer, I hear Lexan whisper that I should come out.

  “We have to get out of here now,” he says, pulling me along after him. He checks the hallway, then we exit, moving carefully around each corner until we reach the Common Area. He slips into a crowd of people, and I follow after a few seconds, joining a different group.

  SIXTEEN

  It has long been our city’s belief that the other peoples of earth vanished completely during the Sickness. However, in hoping for the future of our children, we should never cease searching for survivors. The end of a civilization and a culture is never something to wish for, and in giving up hope that these people exist, we are opening the doors to a foggy sort of evil.

  From Personal Journal of First Leader Firene

  Published after her death, year 2170

  I sit impatiently through my classes, largely ignoring everyone, my foot nervously twitching and my fingers tapping a crazy rhythm on the table. At lunch, I ditch Isa and make for the door. Lexan grabs my arm and pulls me to an empty table.

  “What do you think you’re doing?”

  “I have to go back there and make sure he’s okay. What if Aitan knows about him?”

  “Trea, you’re acting crazy. If someone’s watching you, the last thing you want to do is go to that room in the middle of the day! If they don’t know now, that would certainly tip them off.”

  I glare at him, but he’s right. I have to wait and trust that Stian will be okay.

  I see Isa looking at me from across the room. She raises both hands in question. I shake my head and turn back to Lexan, a fake smile on my face.

  “Guess I’ll hang out with you then, babe.”

  He rolls his eyes at me. “So, are we going to train with Brenn today or go visit your new friend?”

  “Both,” I say, deciding that second. “I don’t want to skip any more training. We’ll stay with Brenn until the evening ministry is over and people are heading home for dinner. That’s when I usually go, anyways.”

  “How often do you visit him?”

  “I try to go most days, if I can get away. That’s what I always did before, when I just went there to meditate.” I don’t mean to sound defensive.

  “So you trust him that much?”

  I look down at my hands on the table, nodding. “He’s a good person, I think.”

  Lexan is quiet for a few minutes. I wonder when he will guess the truth. I think probably he will be able to tell from Stian’s eyes when he looks at me.

  By the end of training that night, I am soaked in sweat and happily exhausted. Brenn’s teaching and my dedication have together turned me into a fighter – I’m still weakly-muscled and vastly inexperienced, but I feel a new power each time I block a punch, connect a kick, or hurl a knife to the center of my target. I can easily see why Brenn was so good at training protectors. Lexan has improved too; his arrows dependably fly true, and he wrestles me to the floor each time we fight. He still won’t hit me, but his blocking has become better as he moves to avoid my fists and feet.

  In only two short weeks, our sessions have moved from learning to practicing.

  I clean myself in the changing room, then Lexan and I hurry through back hallways to the Ministration Room. I enter the passage first, then he follows behind, his hands brushing my back in the darkness. His height quickly becomes a problem, as he can’t crawl when I do. He is forced onto his belly, dragging himself forward with his elbows. He grunts as his skin scrapes against the rock.

  Finally, I’m through. Stian stands near the water, waiting warily. Lexan stumbles through the last part, nearly colliding with a low rock. I steady him with my arms and Stian’s eyes n
arrow. This isn’t going to be easy.

  For a few moments, Lexan takes in the room, looking curiously at the pool, the ledge, Stian’s belongings strewn about. He gives me a strange look of realization, but shakes his head when I open my mouth to ask.

  Stian breaks the silence. “So, you’re the one she’s being forced to marry?”

  Lexan scowls and folds his arms across his chest. “If you mean partner, then yes, but I hope you realize I’m not the one forcing her. I don’t really have a choice either.”

  We settle in a wary semi-circle next to the water with me between, poised to mediate. Lexan asks many of the same questions I had at first, and he seems satisfied that Stian answers them the same way I reported. But he also asks things I never thought of, or was perhaps too shy to ask.

  “So why can’t you go back to your Tribe?”

  “They told me to do something, and that I couldn’t come home until it’s done. It’s not done. If I come home now, I’ll be executed for disobeying.”

  “Are you going to do it?”

  “I used to think so, but now, I can’t even imagine it.”

  “What is it?”

  “Kill someone. An enemy of my people.”

  “Have you killed people for them before?”

  Stian glances down, his eyes on his forearms. He holds them out for Lexan to see, avoiding my eyes.

  “Each black line is a mission I’ve completed. Each red hash is a life taken.”

  I haven’t even begun to absorb this information when Lexan fires another question.

  “What makes this mission different?”

  Stian is silent for a few minutes. Lexan waits, ever patient. “I’ve stopped dreaming about home. I never liked the idea of killing someone for no reason, or even for someone else’s reasons. Now I don’t have to, because I can imagine a future without my Tribe.”

  He glances in my direction, and our eyes meet briefly. I feel a small heat rise as I guess what he imagines.

  “Why did you come looking for Asphodel, if you knew all the bad history of this place?”

  “Curiosity, I guess. Besides, I thought if it did exist, I’d be something of a hero, finding the lost city and all that. I thought maybe it would change some things at home.”

  “You weren’t popular in your Tribe?”

  “No, I was well-liked by the people. I did a lot of work for the Tribe. Helped them fight battles with other Tribes. But some of the people in charge thought I was too proud, too arrogant and self-serving. So they gave me that job. They hoped I would fail, and either die on the job, or come home and be executed in shame. Either way, they win.”

  I’m staring openly at Stian now – our conversation has always centered more on Asphodel than his home. Even when he did talk about the outside world, it was always small things, like sun, heat, plants. I’m embarrassed at what little I know of him, how trivial the knowledge I do have.

  “Your Tribe sounds very harsh,” Lexan says.

  “It can be. But it’s not really any different from this place. People tell you what to do. It’s up to you whether you do it or not. There’s always a choice. The only things you can’t escape are the consequences. Sometimes those are worth it.”

  Again he looks at me for a long moment, his eyes continuing the thought. My face feels hot, and I wish Lexan weren’t so observant. I know he sees what Stian feels for me. I think Stian wants him to know.

  Lexan is very quiet when we both stand again in the Ministration Room.

  “I’d like to talk to you, but I don’t want to stay here, where we might be overheard.”

  I glance at him, a little alarmed at the tone of his voice. He sounds upset, but calm at the same time. Too polite.

  “We could go to my room, I guess. Father and Mother are usually in bed by now. I don’t think they’d mind, even if they were awake. They love you.”

  He smiles thinly, something unhappy in his face as he nods.

  Mother is waiting up for me in the kitchen, but she says nothing, only smiles at Lexan as we pass by. If I weren’t so strangely nervous, I would find a lot of humor in the fact that I’m bringing a boy into my bedroom and my mother says nothing. Even more strange is that the boy is Lexan. Or perhaps she says nothing because it is Lexan.

  We sit side-by-side on my bed, leaning against the wall, feet dangling over the edge. Lexan’s eyes pan around my room, observing the clothing piled on the floor, the school books unopened on my desk, the rough sketch of Mother and me that is tacked above my pillow, a small pile of knives, the red dress that hangs in the shadows. I wait.

  “What are you doing, Trea.”

  I don’t answer.

  “I can see it in his eyes. He’s territorial, like you belong to him. Why does he feel that way? Doesn’t he know about the prophecy? About us?”

  Still, I say nothing.

  “He wants you, Trea…the way a man wants a woman. The way partners should want each other.”

  I turn my face away from his searching stare. “I…I know.” I actually haven’t thought this far ahead, and I feel shame that Lexan sees such a thing in Stian’s eyes.

  His hand, resting on the blanket, begins to clench into a fist.

  “Have you…have you been with him?”

  “No! Lexan,” I turn to face him. “I know what he wants, but…”

  Lexan returns my glance, his eyes guarded and dark.

  “But I can’t…” Suddenly I realize that Lexan is beyond jealous. He’s afraid.

  “Trea, there’s no future with him. Even if we figure out how to get him inside, you could never partner with him. You have to know that!”

  “I do know that. But Lexan, he doesn’t want to be with me in Asphodel.”

  Lexan stops moving. “What?”

  “He…he wants me to leave when he leaves. Go live outside with him.”

  His fist punches the mattress. “But that would never work! You heard him – he can’t even go back to his Tribe! Where would you live? What about your family? Isa? What about—” he stops talking abruptly.

  “I’ve already told him I could never leave, Lexan. I know that’s an impossible, selfish dream.”

  “But you want to.” He is looking at me strangely, his eyes wild now with accusation. “You would go with him, if you could. I can see it in your face!”

  “Of course I would, Lexan! You of all people should understand! It would be my life if I left – I could make my own choices. You could make your own choices! I mean, haven’t you ever wished you could partner for love?”

  “I used to think I would,” he says quietly, and suddenly I realize my mistake: Lexan doesn’t think like I do.

  “Astrea, I told you before that I don’t love you. It’s true, I don’t. But I always hoped that with time, maybe we would grow together into the kind of love other partners have. But I guess that’s an impossible, selfish dream too.”

  He stands and heads for the door.

  “Lexan, wait…”

  He closes the door behind him and I’m alone with my thoughts, which are quickly turning to guilt. I never meant to hurt Lexan. I just didn’t understand him. I couldn’t see past my own selfish rebellions.

  I’ve always avoided Lexan because he represents the things I can’t have – freedom, choice.

  Am I drawn to Stian only because he promises me those things?

  SEVENTEEN

  How to love a Libra man: the Libra man has a great deal of charm and attracts many women, but he seeks perfection in both partner and partnership. He aims always for balance between his own wants and those of his partner. However, he detests an argument, and may abandon a partnership which becomes too combative.

  From Understanding Your Horoscope

  Head Minister Charles, year 2073

  At breakfast the next morning, Mother smiles at me as though she has a secret. Before she can speak, and before Father comes in the room, I take her hand.

  “Mother, thanks for letting Lexan come in last night. We really neede
d to talk about some things.”

  “I know, sweetie. I’m glad you two are getting along better, especially since Choosing Day is so close. Keirna and the rest of the city should see two young people together and in love!”

  I can’t help it, and my eyes roll to the ceiling. Mother sighs.

  “Astrea, I’m not blind. I know you two aren’t in love. But I also know from experience that love comes in many different colors, and each partnership has to develop love on their own terms. You and Lexan can depend on each other for support. You can trust him. That’s the most basic part of love.”

  If trust is the most basic part of love, Lexan and I don’t have a chance.

  “What about keeping secrets?” I ask pointedly, thinking of what they’ve kept from me, and things I know I’ll never tell them. I’m gratified that Mother looks slightly guilty.

  “Sometimes you keep secrets from someone you love so that you don’t hurt them. Or put them in harm’s way.”

  “But doesn’t keeping secrets hurt the relationship? Don’t they deserve the truth?” I’m not sure who I’m talking about now – Lexan or my parents.

  “Well, some truths would hurt a partnership more than keeping a secret.”

  I think about how Lexan’s eyes looked last night when he thought I might leave Asphodel with Stian. That’s probably a truth he would rather not know.

  “Trust isn’t always about telling the truth in everything, Trea. Yes, you need honesty to develop trust. But trust also involves knowing someone will be there to hold you when you can’t even get out of bed. Someone who will stay with you, even when you don’t deserve it, because their world doesn’t turn without you in it.”

  “Your mother’s a brilliant woman, Astrea. You should listen to her advice.” Father enters the kitchen in time to hear this last part. He gives Mother a quick kiss on the cheek and I think about how their relationship has been able to grow from two teenagers who barely knew each other, into this strong, lasting bond.