Starbright: The Complete Series

by Hilary Thompson

  The girl is still watching me, and I raise my brows and nod at Anan, grinning with an obvious question. She blushes and turns away from me, towards him - embarrassed, but I can tell I’ve peaked her interest in him a little more. Which is good, because I don’t think Isa has any real plans to choose him.

  I push up from the chair and walk around the edge of the dance floor, weaving through a group of children. I should probably just go home and study something, but Mother is there, and I’m not sure if I can deal with her tonight.

  Even a year and a half later, my dead father still lives in our every thought, and his absence aches in our every customary action.

  I scan the crowd for a distraction.

  And realize that dark-haired girl I just barely know is still giving me the eye, like she hopes I’ll come over and talk with her. I’ve been working very hard to be good and ignore her all night, but she looks like the type who will eventually come to me regardless of what I do.

  Unless I can slip away before she gets the nerve. I shouldn’t have come down here. Maybe I can find an open training room. Surely I’ve put in enough social time by now, and I could use the practice with my new bow.

  I glance through the slowly dispersing crowds to see if there’s anyone keeping watch over my attendance. I haven’t seen Aitan in a while, although his pretty blonde partner is still dancing to the impromptu music. She’s in the arms of some guy I don’t know, like most Sundays this year.

  Pasia catches my roving glance and waves, then points a finger at me and shakes her head with a stern grin. I roll my eyes - she always thinks I should stay longer and dance more.

  And then I see her - the only girl in the room I really do see, now that I’ve found her. All scrawny arms and flaming curls and inescapable temper. Trea. My heart picks up a little and I feel my cheeks get warm. Our eyes almost meet.

  And then I don’t see her, because that brunette is blocking my view.

  “Hey, Lex,” she says. “Dance with me?”

  Her voice curves up like it’s a question when we both know it really isn’t. I have no idea how Trea gets away with her bad attitude and anti-social behavior, because nobody ever takes it from me. I’m a Libra, and I’m expected to be charming all the time. She’s an Aries, and so she’s allowed to have a temper.

  But there’s really no point in trying to break the pattern now.

  I move a smile to my cheeks and hold out my hand, leaning around her to see if Trea is watching, but she’s gone. Swallowed up by the crowd or vanished into the darkness.

  “You dance so well. Remind me of your name, please?” I say as we spin between the other couples. Her palm feels hot and sweaty beneath my fingers, and her brown eyes keep flicking down to my mouth.

  “It’s Tella! I can’t believe you don’t remember. We only talked for an hour after Training last week.” Her lips turn down and push together in a pout that is probably meant to attract me, but it really just looks like a kid who isn’t getting her way.

  “Sorry. I’d never forget those brown eyes, I’m just not good with names.” Names of people I don’t care about, anyways. I smile again, trying harder this time to make it real. I don’t want to be that guy who is rude to girls, but I don’t want to be her guy either, not even for tonight.

  It would be just one more item on a list of things that aren’t the real me.

  She grins, sliding her fingers up my shoulder blade. I hold her a little closer, because that’s what’s expected of me.

  We dance for two songs or two hours, I can’t tell. The only positive side to the problem is that I’ve barely had to say a word. Excellent conversationalist, this one. Assuming conversation includes monologue.

  “Are you even listening to me?” She stops dancing and tilts her head to the side, channeling that petulant child again.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. I’m a little tired tonight.” I’m definitely not myself, and I can tell it’s starting to show. I need to get out of here fast, before someone important notices.

  She smiles again, but a little smaller this time. “I asked if you wanted to go to the hot pool. There should be a lot of people down there now.”

  I glance around and see that she’s right. The older couples have gone home, taking the small children away for bed. “Ah, maybe I can meet you down there? I really wanted to talk to my sister for a few minutes before I leave.” I meet her eyes and send reassuring thoughts. It’s disturbing how easily my thoughts slip in, melting into her mind.

  “That’s so sweet! I love that you love your sister!” Her smile takes over her face and now I really do feel guilty. Of course I love Pasia, and we talk all the time, but I was only using her as an excuse, hoping to slip away unnoticed. A quick glance shows Pasia’s table is abandoned. She probably left right after silently warning me not to cut out early.

  Hypocrite.

  “So I’ll see you there?” Tella asks again, as if she doesn’t believe my promise. Maybe she’s smarter than I gave her credit for.

  I nod quickly and flash another half-grin - the one Pasia hates. She always says it means I’m up to no good. She’s usually right.

  I head off towards the seating area before Tella can realize Pasia isn’t there anymore, then slip into a group of people.

  I skirt the edge of the Common Area until I reach a section of back hallways leading to the Training Rooms. At least I can shoot arrows by myself without performing for anyone.

  Who am I kidding - I’m never alone. Someone’s always watching me.

  The second I think this, I hear voices ahead in the darkness. There’s a small, shadowy alcove across from the room I’m headed towards, and it sounds like a couple is either arguing or getting ready for some alone time together.

  Either way I don’t want to walk into the middle of it. I start to turn around.

  Then I recognize the male voice, and I stop dead, air rushing too quickly into my throat.

  “You look beautiful tonight, by the way,” says my asshole brother.

  “Well, Aitan, that is very nice of you to say. Your partner Anyel looked nice, too,” answers the girl, stressing the fact that she knows very well that Aitan is partnered. Her voice is familiar too, but I can’t quite match it to a name. I flatten myself against the corridor wall to listen, sliding a few inches closer.

  “Of course she did. And now she’s probably tucked away somewhere just like us. So who am I to be the good boy?”

  “No, I certainly would never call you that,” she says, and her flirty giggle makes me cringe, my lungs locking shut. I know that giggle. And if I hear one squishy wet sound, I’m busting into their shadowy corner and stopping whatever is happening here.

  Trea would never forgive Isa.

  “Have you chosen a partner yet?” Aitan asks her.

  Isa laughs. “Not quite yet. I have three boys waiting on my answer. I just need a little more information from them.”

  “And what kind of information would that be?” Aitan’s voice lowers, smooth as the dark waters of the hot pool where I’m supposed to be.

  “You know. Partner information. Compatibility.”

  “And what exactly do you know about compatibility?” Aitan’s voice holds the devious smile I know is coating his face.

  I nearly give myself away with a groan. This has to stop.

  “I know what I need to at this point. Everything else I’ll learn when I’m partnered.” Isa’s voice seems a tiny bit strained now, and I feel my breath quicken again as I wonder what the shadows are hiding. “Let’s go back to the Common Area now. I need to see if Trea is okay. She’s been so edgy lately.”

  “I’m sure she’s already left,” Aitan says, his voice soothing. “Is it the whole Choosing Day thing, starting to get to her?”

  “Obviously. Her temper has been unreal. She’s not exactly thrilled about choosing Lexan, you know. Sometimes I think she literally hates him.”

  All of the air shoves painfully out of my lungs and for a second everythin
g is quiet. I’m positive they heard me.

  Then, Aitan answers with a triumphant sort of laugh. “True. A bit of icing on my cake, that is. My brother seems to have everyone fooled except for the only one he wants to fool.”

  “What do you mean by that?” Isa asks, all innocently curious like she isn’t the biggest gossip I know.

  “Oh, nothing. Lex just isn’t always what he seems, that’s all. But talk to me. I can tell you’re having a hard time with your friend.”

  Isa begins slowly, as though she isn’t sure she should be telling this information to Aitan. And she’s right to be wary - my brother always has some sort of agenda. But soon she is pouring out her frustration with Trea’s withdrawal, and how bitter and angry and resistant she is towards Choosing Day.

  Towards choosing me.

  And I have to admit that Aitan’s right, at least in one way. Trea is the only one I care about - but I don’t want to fool her or charm her. I want her to see me. The real me.

  The one nobody else takes the time to see.

  Suddenly I don’t care anymore about Aitan and Isa, and what they might do here in the darkness of the deserted corridor. I want to be home, in my own room. Alone.

  I hurry through the hallways, eyes on the cold rock floor.

  Finally closing the door to my room, I sit heavily, my arms and legs numb with the desire for rest. But my brain won't stop replaying how right Isa is. She knows I’ll never have what I want. That conversation wasn’t meant for me, but it’s just shown me again how impossible everything is.

  Sure, one day I will be partnered to Trea, but she won't ever truly be my partner. Not like if she'd chosen me. And my chest hurts, like my heart has just pushed through my ribs and left my body to join hers. But it doesn’t know how to find her, so it’s just gone. No longer beating inside of me, but somewhere beyond my body, in the darkness.

  I wish there were a way to show Trea how I could give her things she doesn't even know she needs. I could fill a spot she won't even admit is empty.

  But all I can do is crawl under the blankets and try to sleep the night away.

  TWO

  September 11, 2066

  We studied this date once in history class, as part of a long list of tragedies.

  I think the real tragedy is how it used to be a sacred day of remembrance, but now nobody even remembers why. Humanity tortures itself, then celebrates the horrible crimes year after year with memorials. Until one day a new, even more horrible crime is committed and everyone moves on.

  What would the world be like if everyone simply got what they deserved?

  …With liberty and Justice for all…

  from First Leader Lakessa’s private journal

  included in Firene’s secret papers

  I wake up too early. My head feels heavy, as though dreams are gathered there, but as usual I don’t remember any of them.

  Some minister I’ll be, with no prophetic dreams to tell my congregation.

  It’s Monday, my desk calendar says. Which means I survived another social Sunday. And that I have a counseling appointment today. I’ve always seen Counselor Sanfred more often than most of his charges, but since Father died, weekly visits have been a mandatory norm.

  At my house, depression claims its own chair in the dining room.

  I get cleaned, throw on clothes, and eat, all without seeing or hearing a sound from Mother’s room. Our house used to be bustling. Crowded.

  Then Aitan was partnered. And then Pasia. And then Father died.

  When I go, I’m afraid Mother won’t last.

  But I can’t stop to think of that now. I have my own demons to face, in Sanfred’s small office. He greets me with a genuine smile and a mug of coffee. I accept it, even though I’ve already had some. It’s bitter and black, which suits my mood just fine.

  “So I got another slap in the face last night,” I start without being prompted. I relate the conversation I overheard, leaving out the names. Sanfred could figure them out if he tried, but I don’t like to gossip.

  “Tell me,” says Sanfred as he adjusts in his chair, “when or how did you first start thinking about the possibility of love within your partnership to Astrea? What makes you think you’re well-matched, despite the discrepancy of the charts?”

  I sigh. We’ve touched on this before, several times. I actually brought it up myself, after Pasia pointed out that in other partnerships, a Libra and an Aries would never be matched like the prophecy matches Trea and me. But I still haven’t been able to explain my reasoning with enough detail to satisfy him.

  “I just feel it, that’s all. I don’t love her now - that would be ridiculous. But I know I could.”

  “There was no moment of epiphany? No truth that showed itself, perhaps in prayer?”

  “Definitely not in prayer. I’m going to be a horrible minister, you know.” He doesn’t realize how much he’s rubbing it in that I haven’t been shown any kind of prophecies or visions: such a marked difference from last year’s two ministry students.

  “We can talk about your ministry later. But let’s stay on the topic at hand.”

  I put down the mug of coffee and lean forward. Maybe I can give this one more shot, and he’ll leave me alone about it. “There wasn’t any one moment when I thought I could grow to love her. It’s more like a thousand moments. An accumulation of a thousand smiles. Smiles that aren’t directed towards me yet, but the future possibility of that. A thousand looks of pride - again, not for me, but for her mother, or for Isa. Trea is capable of so much in a partnership. I just thought…”

  “Yes?” He smiles, just not willing to let it go.

  “I thought I could be there for her, and she could be there for me. With someone like Trea, there’s so much light, so much fire. She could shine into my darkness, you know?”

  “As long as she loved you, you could be happy?”

  “That sounds stupid, doesn’t it.” Hearing the words out loud, from someone else, shows me this.

  I can’t tie my happiness to another person. It has to come from within me, or it would never last. I need to become stronger.

  “Not stupid, no. When love is pure and true, it can indeed banish darkness. But when it is impure or untrue, like a forced partnership might be, then darkness will leach into the relationship. This is my concern. If Astrea is not willing to partner with you, your partnership will be troubled.”

  “Troubled?” I laugh, not bothering to hide the bitterness. “If something doesn’t change between us before Choosing Day, Trea will make my life miserable.”

  “I could always prescribe something to reduce your worries.”

  I glance at him, just to be sure, but his eyes are smiling like always. Sanfred is on my side. He knows the effects of the pills and he doesn’t want me under anyone’s control - certainly not Keirna’s.

  He’s a believer.

  And I’m sure that’s why he really wants me to be with Trea - for the harmony implied in the prophecy.

  “You need to make friends with her. Even though the prophecy will seem to rush your partnership, you need to make it clear to her that you would never rush her. Many couples are still fairly arranged by parents, you know. If Astrea can come to you on her own terms, and set her own boundaries, then I believe love can grow between you, just like any other partnered couple.”

  I close my eyes and rub my temples. That sounds great, but how am I actually supposed to do it?

  “What should I try first?” I ask, finally. Our time is almost over.

  “Be there for her. Be subtle, of course, but if you become a real presence in her life, rather than an abstract threat or merely the face of the prophecy, then perhaps a friendship can grow. Once you are friends, then I would suggest finding out her reasons for disliking you in the first place.”

  “Even Isa doesn’t know that. She told me once.”

  “Well, perhaps Astrea needs to determine the true answer before she tells anyone.”

  I nod, moving
to stand. I’m not sure my nerves are strong enough to know why she dislikes me.

  “And Lexan? Be very wary of using your power of charm around her. I feel that Astrea especially would not accept this. She would see it as an insurmountable betrayal, I believe.”

  Classes will be starting soon, so I nod again and turn to leave. I’d like to think that I would never use my power to make someone do something they didn’t want, but I’m not sure if that decision will always be mine. Anyways, there’s no danger of using my power with Trea if I can’t get even close enough to look her in the eyes.

  The day’s hours slip by, noticeable but easy. I go through the mechanics of classes and training while Sanfred’s advice runs a constant loop through my brain. I notice Trea, of course, but she never even glances in my direction.

  How can I possibly be present for her if she goes out of her way not to notice me?

  Then I realize: this means she probably does notice me. And I can’t help the real grin that molds itself to my cheeks for the rest of the day. Mother even laughs a little at some of my jokes as we clean up from dinner and head to the Ministration Room.

  Tonight is my weekly rotation to help with the ministry by assisting Head Minister Saloman during the prayers. Then I stay behind while everyone else files out past the altar. I crease the ceremonial linens carefully and put the prayer books in order, marking the pages for tomorrow’s ministry with strips of woven blue cloth.

  The room empties quickly, but I’m only watching one person.

  Trea stays where she is, head bowed to her knees, as the others shuffle out. She doesn’t seem to notice her father place a hand on her head. A private, worried look crosses his face, before being quickly replaced by the public smile he keeps for the rest of us. Her father and I have that much in common.

  He nods at me politely on his way out, casting one more glance at his daughter, solitary on the bench.