Safe With Me, Special Edition

by Shaina Richmond

  “It was.” He stared straight down at the floor. “It really was. That's why you shouldn't regret it.”

  “I cared about you too. And I still do.” I stared at Dan until his eyes shifted to meet mine. “Please don't take this the wrong way. You're the best friend I've ever had and I'd never do anything to hurt you on purpose. But I'd take it all back if I could.”

  Dan gazed into my eyes for a while longer. He glanced at the window behind me, then looked back at me and sighed. “There's nothing to take back. It was more my fault than it was yours. I'm the one who went looking around online after you told me...”

  “Then it was my fault for telling you.”

  “Hmm.” Dan looked at the window, thoughtfully. “Have you told him about it yet?"

  I turned to the window. Tyler stood there, still among the same group of people, drinking out of a plastic cup. When he lowered it, I could tell he was looking at me and Dan. I waved. He smiled and waved back, then started talking to the guy next to him.

  “No,” I said.

  “Are you going to?”

  I shut my eyes tight, avoiding Dan's penetrating stare. “Eventually. Probably.”

  “Shit.” Dan lowered his voice. “He's bound to find out. You're not as careful as you think.”

  “I know.” I opened my eyes and gave Dan a look that hopefully said, ‘please don’t lecture me.’ “Believe me, I know. But at least nobody seems to recognize me from the old days anymore.”

  “The old days.” Dan shook his head, laughing, mocking me. “But what about the not-so-old days?”

  I groaned. I felt another one of his speeches about Troy coming on. “I know. Trust me, I know. I’m pretty sure some guy recognized me a few weeks ago when I was out with Tyler.”

  “Huh?” Dan asked. I had never seen his eyes get so big. He reached to the porch railing to get another cigarette. “Why do you think he recognized you?”

  “He called me 'Candy girl.'”

  “Shit." Dan put the cigarette in his mouth and lit it. “Who was he?”

  “It was just some drunk guy. We were in McMurraysville waiting in line to get inside The Depot and these two guys walked down the street toward us. One of them tried to grab me and asked me to go off with him and his friend.”

  “Holy shit.” Dan looked scared. He took another drag from his cigarette. “Was he around?” His eyebrows arched as he pointed at the window.

  I nodded. “He was standing a few feet away so I guess the guy thought I was alone. Or maybe he was just that drunk. But Tyler yelled at him. That's when he and his friend left.”

  “When did he call you 'Candy'?”

  “As he walked away. He just said something vague like, 'I'll give you a good time, Candy girl.' Something like that. Tyler didn't ask about it.”

  “I'm surprised he didn't kick his ass.”

  “Well, the guy backed down pretty quickly.” I casually shrugged, trying not to let Dan know how scared I really was that night.

  “Do you see why maybe you shouldn't be living in that house all alone? It's not safe.”

  “It's fine. I started using the alarm system again after that.”

  Dan flicked his ashes onto the porch, shaking his head. He stared through the window.

  “Look,” I said, “it never happens. I was wearing regular clothes and no makeup and I had my normal hair.”

  “Susie, if some random drunk guy knew who you were...”

  “I know, okay? Maybe it's gotten a little out of control.”

  “After everything that's happened lately, including Troy,” he turned to me with an angry glare and paused when he said Troy's name, “it's probably time to stop.”

  “I pretty much have stopped.” From the tone he used when he said Troy‘s name, I knew I couldn’t tell him about Caleb having that video on his phone. I didn’t want to think about what else Caleb might have, and I sure as hell didn’t have the stomach for Dan’s nagging.

  “Pretty much, huh?” He smirked. “You told me four years ago you were glad to be away from all that. It was all in the past. And how many trips have I had to pretend I didn't know about in the past year?”

  “Look, I already told you. Nothing happened in Vancouver.”

  “Nothing? That's not what you told me last week.”

  Just then, the wind blew. “Nothing compared to what was supposed to happen. I'm freezing. I need to go inside soon.” I reached down to my knee. It felt like an icicle. But I wasn't quite ready to stop talking to Dan. Aside from one five-minute phone call the day after I came back from my trip, I had barely spoken to Dan in weeks.

  “Well, let me know when you need to go back in. It's cold out here but I can take it for a little while longer. So what happened in Vancouver?” Dan already had his third cigarette in his hand, ready to light up.

  “I thought you were gonna stop smoking.”

  “Don't change the subject. You're not trying to compare my smoking to...” He sighed. “To whatever you call your... crazy...” Dan's hand waved around in front of him as he searched for the right words. Finally he stopped trying and turned to glare at me. “It's not the same thing.”

  “It's not that different, really. But I remember you told me four years ago you'd stop smoking. And here you are. Chain smoking.”

  He took his cigarette in between his lips. “I guess you got a point.”

  Dan and I both leaned back against the railing. I watched silently as he took a few more drags. It made me a little sad to think about the fact that if I really became Tyler's girlfriend, I wouldn't get to be with Dan anymore. He’d been a fixture in my life ever since I moved back to Lockwood. I stared down at the floor of the porch, focusing on the space in between two of the boards below my feet where a dead leaf was stuck.

  “What's wrong?” Dan asked. “What's goin' through that head?”

  “I don't know if I should say.”

  “Okay, now you gotta tell me.” Dan smiled and turned his whole body to face me. “Is it Vancouver? You and Mitzi and a fancy hotel room?”

  I chuckled. “No. But I can tell you all about that later if you want.” I paused, wondering if I should tell him exactly what I was thinking. I knew I could trust Dan. He had more than proven himself over the years, and I figured there was no real harm in telling him. “I was just thinking about how much it would suck if I never got to be with you again.”

  “Really?”

  I looked back down at the leaf and watched Dan's smoke float in front of me. “Yeah.”

  “Well, all good things must come to an end. Actually, I don't know if I believe that. I think some good things must come to an end. And maybe that means us.”

  “Makes me a little sad.”

  He stood there with a grin on his face, puffing on his cigarette. Smoke rolled out of his mouth as he laughed. “Yeah, I definitely would've made the most of our last time together if I'd known it might actually be our last time.” He licked his lips and glanced at the window, then back at me. “Do you think it might've really been our last time?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Well, I'd rather not have the shit beat out of me. And I'm pretty sure your boy doesn't like to share. So, unless you're gonna lose him, I'll just have to cherish my memories.”

  Feeling nostalgic and a little sad, I let a thought slip right out of my head. “I really miss that tongue ring you used to have.”

  Dan laughed. “Yeah. Those were some good times.”

  I smiled as I thought back to when I first met Dan. I had just moved back to Lockwood and I wanted a fresh start. So I joined a Bible study through a campus Christian club. That's where we met. We spent a lot of time together one night when we both volunteered to sit behind a table, running a booth at a rather poorly-attended festival. Dan spilled his guts, I spilled mine. The next day the phone calls started. Dan told me he had found some videos online and he couldn't stop thinking about me. He couldn't believe he knew that girl. And he couldn't believe that I used to be that girl.
It somehow turned me on to have this naïve, virginal guy tell me his fantasies and ask me questions. But most of all, it made me feel normal. I'd never felt normal before.

  I softened my voice. “I remember kissing you with that tongue ring. You always tasted like cigarettes.” I giggled. “But there was something really sweet about it. I remember you used to try to hide your smoking from everyone but we could always smell it on you.”

  “Yeah, I figured. But nobody ever said anything.”

  “I guess they all tried not to be judgmental.”

  Dan snickered. “Yeah. Tried.”

  I took a deep breath and stared at Tyler through the window. He seemed to be acting out a football story by the way he bent his elbow and drew his arm back. “Would you still be my friend even if we never slept together again?”

  “Shit. I can't believe you even asked me that. What a stupid fucking question.”

  “What? I think it's valid. We didn't really get close until...”

  “Yeah, yeah. Look, it might've helped our friendship along, but I still would've been your friend.” He stopped to extinguish his cigarette. “Shit, if I'm still your friend after all the times you've annoyed the living shit outta me...”

  “See, that's what makes me think it was the sex.”

  “Nope. I'll miss it. Believe me, I'll miss it.” He chuckled, looking off at the strangers who were finally heading for the front door to go inside. “But hey, we had a good run. Can't complain about that. I knew someday you'd find a guy who'd make you settle down. Surprised it happened while we're still in college though.”

  “Why'd you have to say that?” I put my hand on my stomach due to the sudden return of my nausea. “It makes me sick.”

  “Sick?”

  “Yeah. I've barely eaten anything in days.” I stared down at the dead leaf on the floor and kicked at it again. “He's gonna really break my heart. I know it.” I exhaled forcefully. “And I deserve it.”

  Dan slapped his forehead. “Okay. These fucking pity parties of yours are annoying as hell. One, you don't know he's gonna hurt you. Two, he’s probably only gonna be upset about your little hobby if he finds out about it from someone besides you. And three.” He looked at the window and put his arm around my back, cautiously. “Remember this. If he really does hurt you, all you gotta do is let me know.” He patted his chest. “I'll come right over to make you feel better.” He bent down to my ear with his eyes on the window. “And you’d better be naked when I get there.”

  We both laughed. It was an inside joke. He hadn’t said that to me in a long time and it brought back good memories. I pulled the jacket tighter across my body and thought about how Dan had anticipated my needs that night. He knew I needed to be rescued from another round of Kate’s catty bullshit. And he already had Corbie’s jacket in mind for me to wear outside. Dan was more than a friend. He was my protector, and I loved him dearly. And the more I thought about it, the sadder I became. I knew for sure that my feelings for Dan were nothing like the romantic feelings I had for Tyler. No. What I felt for Tyler was brand new and frighteningly unfamiliar.

  “I can’t take this,” I whispered, tears rolling down my face. I looked straight down at the floor, hoping neither he or Tyler could see I was crying.

  “Huh?” Dan rubbed my back. “Can’t take what? You’re crying.”

  “I know.” I sniffled and reached into Corbie’s coat pocket. He always had tissues. I pulled out a small, unopened pack and ripped it open. I turned fully away from the window, hoping Tyler couldn’t see me cry. I knew it was too late to hide it from Dan. “I can’t take it. I’m happy, then I’m sad. Up, down, up, down. I just feel like I’m being ripped apart.”

  “It’s gonna be okay.” His tone was kinder than it had been all evening. In fact, it was kinder than I’d heard it in a long time. “Susie, I promise I’ll still be your friend, even if I lose the benefits.”

  “Are you sure?" I dabbed my eyes with the tissue.

  “Yeah, of course. Hey, I’m just happy that you’re happy.” He smiled and put his arm around my shoulders.

  “I look happy to you? I’m miserable.”

  “You’re not miserable. You’re just confused. And you’re going through a lot. Your life’s changing, and you despise change.”

  “Hey, I resent that. Since when do I despise change?”

  “Oh, hell.” Dan stared at me with a half smile and an arched brow. “You’re so funny. It’s obvious.”

  “What’s obvious? I’ve been through a lot of changes in my life. You don’t know anything about change compared to me.”

  “Then why’re you so defensive about it?” His smile got bigger. “Honey, you think you’re so wild. Living this secret life with your secret past. But it’s all...” Dan winced, sliding his hand across his forehead. “It’s like a controlled burn. You have just enough chaos in your life to make you feel rebellious. Like nobody can tell you what to do.”

  “Shut up.” I grew angrier with each word that came out of Dan’s stupid mouth.

  “You know I’m right. You’re always in control of everything.” He sighed, loudly. “You think you’re free. You think you’re living this wild life but you’re a prisoner.”

  “I’m not a prisoner and you know it.” I spat the words out of my mouth on purpose. I wanted to choke him. But at least my anger had chased my tears away for a moment.

  “Oh really? You think living in that big house with all those locked doors is freedom?” Dan looked deep into my eyes. “Honey... darling... princess... you’re not free. You’re a prisoner in your own home. And in your mind.”

  I stared off down the street.

  “Look at me,” Dan said. “Please.”

  I wiped some tears from my face and looked in his direction.

  “Hey,” he said. “Just stop driving yourself crazy. So, you fell in love with a guy you haven’t known very long. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? The very worst thing?” He shrugged. “You finally let yourself have a normal life? You end up in Montana someday with a bunch of kids?”

  “Fuck!” I imagined myself running from the porch to the sidewalk. And then just running until I couldn’t run anymore. I stared off in the distance to where Lassiter Lane intersected with Eighth Street, wiping my face again. “I gotta get away from here.”

  Dan kept talking as I tearfully looked down the street. I couldn’t hear him anymore through my sobbing. I made sure I was still turned away from the window, hoping Tyler wouldn’t come outside. My body shook as I cried.

  My life is going one of two ways.... heartbroken or married. I might as well just shoot myself. Now.

  This can’t be happening... this can’t be happening... this can’t be happening...

  “Hey.” Dan grabbed my shoulder. “You’re scaring me.”

  “I know. I’m going crazy.”

  “No, you’re not going crazy, Susie. You hear me? You’re scared and you’re overreacting. Way overreacting. I’ve never seen you like this.”

  “I told you, I’m going crazy. Just like my mom. I always knew it‘d happen someday.”

  “No, you’re not going crazy like your mom. You’re making excuses.” He sighed. “Shit. I don’t see him in there anymore. He’s probably on his way out here.”

  “How fast you think I can run down the street?”

  Dan groaned. And then the front door opened.

  “Hey.” Tyler's voice was loud behind me. “What's goin' on? It's fuckin' cold out here.”

  “Hey man.” Dan took his hand from my shoulder.

  I wasn't ready to turn around yet. I couldn’t let Tyler see me like this. How would I explain why I was so upset? I thought back to earlier that night, when he told me he loved me, and that it didn’t even matter if I was crazy. But I still couldn’t force myself to look in his direction. I wanted to run away. My feelings for Tyler had grown stronger with each passing day. And now, I realized each passing day brought me a day closer to misery in one of two forms: devastating
heartbreak, or a painful death sentence of marriage.

  Dreaming I was anywhere else, I let my eyes wander out to the sea of street lamps and cars that were haphazardly parallel parked. I wiped the last of my tears away with a tissue just as two warm, muscular arms folded around me from behind. Without thinking, I closed my eyes and leaned back against him. To my surprise, it was almost as nice and soothing as sitting in my bathtub at the end of a long day.

  His lips pressed against the top of my head through my hair. I tilted my head back and saw him looking down at me, his face upside down from that angle. He bent down and kissed my forehead.